@Lewdog - I saw all your threads and decided, 'I'll make one of my own'. Y'know how some people with anxiety have compulsions? They scratch themselves until they bleed, or they constantly check to see if the door is locked? Well, I've got a compulsion. It's been going on for years. I'd start writing, have a few scenes here and there, get up to nearly 5K words...then I'd start over. Completely over. And not with my creative writing, but with my personal journals, misc. fun stuff I do on the computer, etc. Completely over. A brand new batch. It's like there's this fear of having a bunch of words on a document that doesn't exist if everything was blank. It's insanity. Pure and simple insanity. Whether it's a product of my generalized anxiety or not, the urge is there, and it's here right now as I type. Move everything I've got now to an external drive and start fresh. Clean. Blank documents ripe for potential. Then the cycle begins again. Am I tired of it? Yes. Do I want to stop doing it? Yes. Do I know how to stop doing it? Nope. The purpose of this thread isn't really a cry for help; it's really more for us to share our compulsions/anxiety issues (if we're comfortable sharing them online) so we know we're not really alone. Who knows, maybe we might have coping skills to impart to one another. Well, let's see how this thread turns out. Hopefully it'll be as popular as Lewdog's. EDIT: Wow, while I was writing this, that urge went away. I think I'll keep my stuff where they are.
I don't have a compulsion, but I have general anxiety. And a massive choking fear. It first started in high school. I was eating chicken strips and french fries while I was drunk (I was a very bad kid), and almost.. forgot how to swallow. I was swallowing, but it wasn't going down. It just sat in the back of my throat. I was finally able to get it down, but I was too freaked out to eat anymore that night. The next morning, it happened again. And it continued to happen more and more until I couldn't eat anything. Even soup felt like it got stuck. Eventually, I went to the doctor and had a modified barium swallow done. And it showed no problems. Fuck. lol I tried really hard to get over this swallowing problem, and for the most part, I did. But my choking fear is still there. I can't eat in the car. I can't eat quickly. I can't eat alone (except super soft stuff). I freak out when people laugh/cough with food in their mouth. If I'm having an especially high anxiety day, I can't eat anything solid. Yeah.. lol I've been needing to go to the dentist. But I know they brush your teeth and whatnot, and you have to lay there with all that water filling up your mouth with only that little suction tube to clear it out..... Yeah. Just the thought makes me panic. But, I had an emergency and had to go yesterday. And indeed, liquid filled up my mouth and I freaked out. lol But it only lasted a second.. It's a problem. lol
Not quite sure I follow what you are doing? I have anxiety but as my friends say. I have beaten dog syndrome. Because my family was not nice. So when things are calm I fear that the calmness is about to end and that it is going to be my fault. As for compulsion. I kind of have complusions but I am also lazy and well laziness seems to win.
For writing compulsions I have the need to look up words I know the meaning up just to double check so I don't look stupid (I looked up compulsion just now too). As for other compulsions I have. I feel the need to always look around myself even when I am alone and the need to carry my knives on me wherever I go (I have 4). Hell even right now I am playing with Grimm my favorite one whilst typing this up.
I have anxiety about abandonment. Because of Lewdog's cruelty, I am left parent-less. Will someone adopt me if I sit on their porch and curl up into a ball?
Goodness yes. I won't go into all of my issues because it's pretty complicated, but the compulsions thing. I have a few silly ones that don't make much difference to my life--pushing up my glasses even when they haven't slid down, pressing the lock button on my car multiple times--just in case. Things like that. My only destructive one was dermatillomania. For years I would tear the skin off my fingers until they were raw and bled and it hurt to use them for anything. But I think I've overcome that (finally!) which is huge because this has been going on since, like, first grade. There's still some scarring which might not go away but yeah. I think some of the best fiction comes from the anxious mind, because the anxious mind is often caused by a too-vivid imagination. And that makes some pretty good stories.
Anxiety I have for sure. Also despite how my optimisim appears, I also have a tendancy for depression. So I have to be careful and ignore my feelings quite a bit, otherwise I would never get out of bad haha
I've had almost the same thing happen to me. I think I was a teenager as well when it first happened. I didn't have anything in my mouth, but suddenly I couldn't swallow. Totally freaked me out. I tried several times, my mouth drying up, this persistent lump in my throat... finally I managed, but it was just really weird. It has happened a few times now; it's like, if I think about swallowing too much, I can't do it. I can eat okay, but swallowing medicine is a pain in the ass. Sometimes I manage the whole pill if I wash it down with something fizzy, but usually I have to grind it to tiny pieces. The worst thing is when it gets stuck midway. Just sits there like "I ain't going nowhere, so suck it!". Panic starts to rise and eventually I have to push it down with something like bread. It's mostly annoying, while the not being able to swallow thing actually kind of freaks me out.
Sounds exactly like what I go through. lol I've said too, if I think about it too much, I can't do it. Very weird. I can't swallow pills very well either. So since I've had my wisdom tooth pulled, I've had to really practice. I'm getting better at it, but I'd still rather not. I wonder what causes this.. I thought there was just something wrong with my brain, but.. Maybe it's something else. lol When I had my barium swallow done, the chick said it may be acid reflux.. You don't happen to have that, do you?
Hmm, I don't think so. Food doesn't usually get stuck or climb back up, which I believe is typical with acid reflux.
Yeah that doesn't happen with me either. They just needed to tell me something, even if it didn't make sense. lol
I definitely have the 'is the door locked' thing. I've actually come out of my front door, walked to the end of the drive way, then walked back just to check it. I've been trying to break the habit by just walking away, even if I get the 'feeling.' I'm not sure if this has something to do with anxiety or not, but I also have to put items in certain places, neatly. And weirdly enough, after I just wrote that sentence, I looked at my two lucky charms (my mini Malibu bottle and little glow up penguin) and noticed they were too close together, thus separating them by about one centimetre. Weird, eh.
I'm another one with the choking thing, but in other people. If someone so much as clears their throat I find myself staring at them intensely until I'm convinced they're breathing okay I'm not sure if it's a compulsion but when I'm stressed, I get fixated on my wrists and need to cover them. My friend pointed out recently that you can tell how I'm feeling according to where my sleeves are. If they're pushed up to my elbows I'm feeling relaxed and confident, if my wrists are covered I'm stressed and if you can't see my hands I'm about to run away It's entirely subconscious and very annoying to have such an obvious tell! I'll never win at poker at this rate...
My fingertips and cuticles are all fucked up because I nibble at them. All the time. Somebody in class last Wednesday elbowed me and gave me a face because apparently it started bothering them. If I'm not performing a task from a to-do list I'll slump into anxiety/depression and feel like I'm losing my mind. I have to feel like I'm achieving something, even if I'm binging on TV show. Must get through another two episodes, then I'll be on season 4. People think I'm really industrious and it's true by some measures but it's just driven by not knowing what to do with myself.
I've also been fighting with anxiety for a while, as far as I remember I've had it since I was 10 years old. I have been able to fight back much of it but I still feel pretty anxious about answering the phone. My legs start shaking and I feel as if I've got a lump in my throat which makes it hard to talk. Also when I'm the one making the call, and even if I have planned everything I want to say beforehand, when the other person answers I just forget everything and start talking nonsense. I don't think I have any compulsions at all but whenever I feel really stressed, I tend to dig the nails of my thumbs on my hands while I'm sleeping so I have to hug a pillow or something to prevent this from happening.
Oh regarding compulsions. One of mine at one point included heroin, then after that any narco I could get access to. Since then, it's mostly junk food and porn. Sometimes alcohol or weed, but I go months without either. Also, TV show watching. I just finished the 5th season of Game Of Thrones. I started on season 1 episode 1 less than 30 days ago. I watched 5 seasons in a month. I watch a lot of TV.
I get where you're coming from. I have generalized anxiety, and so does my mom. We bonded one evening when we realized that we both shared a quirk, where we'd write a story, poem, etc. down on paper, and then throw it away. Simply toss it. Later to become extremely frustrated that we have nothing to show for the work we'd produced. Lol. But I don't really have compulsions. Obsessions? Definitely. Mainly intrusive thoughts. Lots of morbid thoughts of loved ones dying. It's really terrible, and I wish it'd stop, but I don't really know how, since it's not intentional! The thing about the "C" portion of OCD, is that the compulsion, while still an unhealthy cycle, can help you calm down and silence the obsession. Obsessions without compulsions are pretty frustrating, because there isn't a simple task you've developed to ease the anxiety and make them stop.
My husband currently suffers very badly from the swallowing thing when it comes to dentists. (This is relatively new, and probably stems from when he had a burst esophagus, about 11 years ago.) He is unable to get fillings done or his teeth cleaned, although he's okay with extractions. The trick is to tell your dentist about your problem. It's actually quite common. (I personally know three other people who suffer the same thing.) Most dentists are sympathetic. If your anxiety isn't too terrible, they're usually able to take it easy and stop frequently. However, if the anxiety is quite debilitating, they can usually either offer sedation or send you someplace else that can do sedation. If the problem is really acute, you can get dental work done under general anaesthetic, provided there are no health reasons why you can't. It's better to go through all that palaver then allow your teeth to deteriorate. Once they're gone, they're gone. My own worst anxiety is underground trains and tunnels. I really hate them. I can 'do' the Underground if I'm in the right mood, but let that bloody train stop in the tunnel for no reason? I panic to the extent that I'm afraid I'll make a spectacle of myself. So far I haven't, but I do remember getting off the underground once, after an episode like that, and I couldn't walk for a few minutes because my knees were like rubber. I have no fear of flying, but that must be what fear of flying feels like. I usually avoid taking the Underground in Glasgow (near where I live) if there is ANY other kind of transportation available. I also have a huge phobia/dislike of gobs of spit on sidewalks. I can cheerfully deal with dogshit and all sorts, but see a big gob of spit ...I'm ready to puke my dinner. I really should go live in the woods someplace, shouldn't I? These are all urban fears.
I should probably say that this post has some strong language in it. I have severe social anxiety. Quite honestly, people scare the piss out of me. Whenever I'm forced to deal with people I completely freak out, my heart rate sky rockets, I get twitchy, and my mind goes blank. Due to this misfortune, I look, and sound, absolutely stupid when out in public. I can not count the amount of times that I say stupid things to people, it's embarrassing and I end up kicking myself for it for the next day, and usually some night when it comes back to haunt me when I'm about to fall asleep. Honestly, the reason why I joined this forum was so that I might have so amount of social interaction. On here I'm safe and anonymous. While I'm sure the vast majority of you are nice people, even here, I'm finding myself panicking slightly for the fear of saying something stupid. It's rather debilitating. I could tell you so many stories about awkwardness but the one that stands out to me the most happened when I was 15 or 16. It was the beginning of the summer and I had virtually no friends, or any ambition to find some, so my parents decided that I take a few "fun" classes through one of the local community programs. Long story short, I ended up in a photography class. Not many people seemed to like me in the class. I stood out as I was tall, pudgy, and not attractive with my acne ridden, disproportionate face. Anyway, we were walking through the downtown area of the city I lived in, and we ended in a building to get out of the heat for a minute. For about three blocks, there had a been a girl in her twenties following us. She wasn't part of the class, she just happened to be headed in the same direction as us, and, as it turned out, to the same building. Trying to be nice, there were no intentions of flirtation, I held the door open for her. She stopped in her tracks, looked down at me, sneered, and called me a "chauvinist cunt." As I was already nervous about being around a classroom of people, I just kind of snapped and slammed the door in this girl's face. This moment never seemed to end and she sat there and glared at me until the instructor came over and made sure everything was okay. I told him what happened while the girl entered the building and booked it to the elevator. The instructor smiled and said "You clearly don't do well with the ladies, do you?" I wasn't sure if he was trying to sympathize and make light of the situation, or if he was making fun of me, but I said nothing else to anyone throughout the rest of the class. I completely shut down, came home, and felt like horrible about myself for the next week, until I went, against my protests, to the next session.
I have clinical anxiety. I also have this 'must start from fresh' compulsion in a lot of areas. Every time I start a new project I have to use a new notepad, which is terribly wasteful but I just don't feel right using an old one.
For the record, you did the right thing. lol I would've slammed the door in her face too. Then tripped her when she walked by me.
I have general social anxiety. I frequently assume there are conversations going on behind my back that aim to degrade me or to destroy my character. At work I frequently feel like I am being set up for everyone else's punchline where I fail miserably at something. Because of this I generally avoid social interaction.
@Vlad Motchoulski Have you sought any medical help? It took me many, many years to pluck up the courage but I'm so glad I did. I still have some bad days but mostly I now worry a 'normal' amount about 'normal' things rather than obsessing over tiny problems or feeling like everything is against me. And all it takes is one little pill once a day - magic.
