1. Yuan Vnn

    Yuan Vnn New Member

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    Does this line sentence make sense and/or correct?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Yuan Vnn, Jan 15, 2020.

    A question about the below sentence. I realise that I think in Mandarin/Cantonese (Chinese) when I write creatively because I grew up influenced by it. So please help me out here. The sentence structure below makes sense to me because of the implied nuance but does it make sense to you at all?

    A heart so pure angels would implore

    What I'm trying to get at is "a heart so pure that even angels would be envious". Another way of writing it would be a heart so pure angels would die for or angels would die for a heart so pure. But these just doesn't strike a chord with me artistically. But like I said, I might be thinking in the Chinese language. If it doesn't make sense or is incorrect, would you have any suggestions? I'm writing a poem and would like the ending to rhyme.
     
  2. Mish

    Mish Active Member

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    The sentence kind of makes sense. But in it's current form, it is incomplete. I can see the attraction of pure / implore, there is almost a subtle rhyming here. However, implore indicates that someone desperately begs another to do something. To do what? That's the bit that is missing here. I advice to reword it.

    Also, angels by their nature in lore are saintlike. They do not envy. They have no capacity for greed. In short, they do not sin. (unless they are dark angels) So, the meaning becomes almost contradictory. Perhaps, rewording this line will have the added benefit of you finding a different method of expression. Perhaps a better one too.

    A heart so pure that God would blush?

    Okay, that came out cheesy. Well, I gave it a shot. I leave the rest up to you.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2020
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  3. TheOtherPromise

    TheOtherPromise New Member

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    Well since it's a poem I don't think standard grammatical rules are as important. So it could technically work, though I do find the use of implore awkward. It feels incomplete.

    If I were to rewrite it and try to keep the same meaning and rhythm it would something like be:

    A heart so pure, even angels 'twould allure.


    Where 'twould is an old fashioned way to say it would.

    Though I'm no poet so my rewrite might not be any good or better than what you had. It just works better for me.
     
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  4. Yuan Vnn

    Yuan Vnn New Member

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    I understand that it is incomplete. It's just that my brain automatically understands that it is implied that angels begs for that pure heart. It is somewhat an archaic use of the word. E.g. I implore you. In which implore you to do what is implied in whatever the context is.

    Also, it is precisely the contradiction/oxymoron image that I am going for here. Angels do not envy and yet they do for this one thing. Hella cheesy, I know.


    This is an interesting suggestion! Though allure wouldn't be the word I am looking for but the sentence reads/sounds much better than mine.
     
  5. jannert

    jannert Who? Whooo? Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Your problem might be the meaning of the word 'implore.' It's a transitive verb, and means to beg someone desperately for something. It doesn't mean 'envy' at all.

    Unless the angels are actively begging somebody to grant them a pure heart, then this is the wrong word.

    The angels might implore God to grant them a pure heart. But if they are just silently wishing they had one, then 'implore' is the wrong word to choose.

    Envy might not be the right word either, as it has connotations of jealousy—which angels aren't supposed to feel? If the angels just wish they could have a pure heart, maybe some form of the word 'longing' might be a good choice.

    Allure is actually a noun that means 'the power to tempt', so the angels wouldn't 'allure' something. Any more than they would 'beauty' something. They might be alluring, (or beautiful) but that's an adjectival form of the noun allure. In any case, it's probably not the word you're looking for, whatever form you would use.

    Basically, think carefully about the exact meaning you want to convey. (This is where Roget's Thesaurus is a fantastic help.) Then be sure you're using the right form of the word you choose.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2020
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  6. Yuan Vnn

    Yuan Vnn New Member

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    I think you're right. 'Longing' would be a much more appropriate word. I was trying to paint a picture of envy and might have gone a little too deep that it was lost in translation in my word choice.

    I think I might settle for 'even angels yearn for a heart so pure' for now. But is 'a heart so pure, even angels fawn' correct or does it need to be 'fawn over' for it to be correct?
     
  7. jannert

    jannert Who? Whooo? Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Actually, 'even angels yearn for a heart so pure' would be an excellent way to phrase this! Yearning is a good synonym for longing.

    No. Fawning over is DEFINITELY not what you want. Fawning over implies a row of aunties going completely goo-goo over a child who has just managed to take his first steps. I don't think that's the image you want. :)

    fawn.png
     
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  8. Yuan Vnn

    Yuan Vnn New Member

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    Hmm... Okay. Thank you for your input! I appreciate it.
     
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  9. JLT

    JLT Contributor Contributor

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    Technically, you're right. But that didn't stop Edgar Allan Poe when he wrote "Annabel Lee:"

    and a few stanzas later:

     
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