Dr Laura Schlessinger -- In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms: Opinions on the Mommy Wars?

"What baffles and perturbs me about Dr Laura is how stoic she is in her belief that all women should stay home whether they want to or not, whether they can afford it or not, because a woman's priority is to first care for her children, second care for her husband (she often describes this as "being your husband's girlfriend," and even though I know what she means, that phrase sends me around the bend; if she has a Ph.D. in whatever, she should be able to form a less condescending phrase getting the same point across), and third care for her household."

I know many wonderful mothers who would be horrible at it if they had to be good mommy 24/7.
If you are a stay at home mom you are isolated from the main stream society.
You are tied down to her family and home.
She also gets calls in the early morning from working mothers saying Alice is not feeling well can you take her for the day.
Now how do you get out of this one because you don't want to look after a sick child if yours are healthy. The working mother thinks her job is more important than the health of your child.
You get told how lucky you are not to work since that means you can go to the teas at school with your children. They think that is an outing to meet other mothers and have a holiday.
I loved being a stay at home mom but when people asked me what I did my standard answer for a while was that "I run a very successful small family business."
And I did.
But I wish I could have said I am a housewife and mother and have the person say that was wonderful and not either walk away or say oh you don't work.
I did not sit around all day eating bon bons and watching soap operas.
respect women for their choices not for the choices you feel they should make.

 

There is never only one way to do ANYTHING.

There are always other options. Besides, what happens if, despite all his best efforts, the father can't get a job that earns enough money to feed the family and have a home that the children deserve? Are you doing your children a better service by staying home, but living in a one-bedroom apartment and not having enough good food to eat or by letting friends and relatives help you raise your children while you make sure that your family has enough food to eat, has a home that isn't falling apart, and can afford good medical care when they need it?

I've grown up hearing that it takes a village to raise a child. That means that the mother does not do it alone. It means that everyone helps in every way they can. I don't know a single person who was damaged by their mother having a job as long as there was always someone there. A certain amount of daycare is also good for children, anyway. They get to meet more children earlier than they might have if you wait until they start school. Earlier social development, not to mention the fact that they can learn skills that the mother may not have. Besides, what's a mother to do once all the children are over ten and don't need you as much, and can take on some of the tasks that you once had to do for them?

I do not mean to demean the choice of any mother who has the freedom to stay at home. It is your choice, and I would never take that away from anyone. But in our world, not everyone can do that, and it is not the only way.

 

Besides, what's a mother to do once all the children are over ten and don't need you as much, and can take on some of the tasks that you once had to do for them?

Rei that is the 50million dollar question.
myself, my health got worse so I took longer to do things.
I started writing my stories down.
My husband and I actually did things together without the boys.
It got worse when they went away to college and university.
They actually have a name for it "Empty Nest Syndrome"
every mother suffers from it in some form or another.
I am still suffering with it and my last baby left home 2 years ago.
The boys and their families still make up a great part of my life but
they are far away and I don't see them as often as I want.
It is important for the stay at home moms to keep in touch with friends
and to keep their skill honed for employment opportunities or volunteering
when the time is right for them to say good bye to their children.
Children will always be a big part in my life as I think that is why I was put
on this earth.
Not just my own but many strangers children when they read my stories and
enjoy them.
I could go weeks without missing adults to talk to but if I didn't see children
playing for the same length of time I would start feeling depressed.
to each his own just don't judge their decisions.

 

I wasn't judging. It's just that parents need a way to fill the spaces once their own children don't need them as much anymore. Doesn't matter what that is.

 

Doesn't "baffle" me at all . . . controversy sells books! Her "professional" opinion is all about money.

 

I know you weren't it is just a reminder to anyone who does judge people.
I know we all do to some extent but that doesn't make it any less painful.
I like your comments as they give me things to think about.
When my children started not needing me to hold their hands I was fortunate that they still wanted me to listen to them and help them out of situations that were not right in their eyes.

 

please note that in my post, the word 'needs' was emphasized with italics... and i thought it would be obvious that i was referring to the 'ideal' and am certainly not foolish enough to think that all of us enjoy ideal situations where we have the ability to do what's best for our children... i sure didn't, when i was a single mom of 5, with no child support or alimony to help put food on the table, so naturally i had to go to work to keep them housed and fed...

 

Certainly, it's not a wrong choice, but it's not the only way. There is never only one way. Besides, take a look at your children. How much did they really suffer from you working? Are they scarred and mal-adjusted, or are they successful, independent adults? You were a mother in a time when a woman was supposed to do everything by herself, except earn money, and do it in high heals. Things change.

Many women would do more harm than good by only being a mother. They wouldn't be able to handle it and go crazy. Some people need more, they can do it, and still put their children first. Yes, in that first year, bonding between mother and child is essential, but after that, others can help out. Besides, with the tools we have now, cooking and cleaning take so much less time than they once did, and fathers can often be persuaded to share those responsibilities, too, so why not work once they are in school?

Every child is different. Every mother is different, as is every family. They don't all need the same thing.

 

Amen to that. I'm the type that would not be able to be a stay at home mom. I was raised by a stay at home mom, and I know what a difficult job it can be, but there's no way I could handle it. I need my job to stay sane.

I think it's a personal decision that every parent needs to make. There is no ideal situation, no right or wrong answer, because every parent and every family is different. What is ideal for one may not be ideal for another.

 

Well said.

But isn't this a writing forum? What does this have to do with writing...did I miss something? Or is this a writing exercise?

 

How much did they really suffer from you working?

...a lot!... try having 5 stair-step kids, the oldest of which has to take care of herself and the rest after school, because you can't afford a baby-sitter and you'll see the damage for yourself...

Are they scarred and mal-adjusted,

...the first 5 all are, to varying degrees...

or are they successful, independent adults?

...the youngest of the first 5 never was and still isn't... if the others are now, it's due to their own abilities to overcome those 'on our own' years and the negative effect they had on them, after having a stay-home mom in their earliest years and then having to 'lose' her to having to be a working one...

You were a mother in a time when a woman was supposed to do everything by herself, except earn money, and do it in high heals.

...i've no clue what you mean there... i was a mother of those first 5 in the 50s-60s, when mothers were at home, if they didn't have to earn a living to keep their kids alive...

Things change.

...children's natural needs don't... despite social changes, they still need a mommy who's there most of the day and night, to see what they need and provide it...

 

There are many factors to consider in child rearing. You have to balance the financial stability of the household against the value of a full-time-stay-at-home PARENT. I do NOT believe that the woman is necessarily the one to stay home. I think there is certainly value in a child being raised by family instead by a nanny or daycare provider. There is also something to be said for having enough money to make ends meet. Some might say you shouldn't have a baby unless you can afford to have it and stay home to raise it. This is simply impractical. Some people are morally opposed to birthcontrol. Even birthcontrol is not 100%. You can have plenty of income when you have a kid, but a few years later the financial situation changes. Kids need to be taken care of financially. Parents do what they need to do. I don't think anyone should judge a parent who loves their kid and is doing their best to provide everything the child needs.

 

You make a great point here Maia. We had a family living with us for a while because they couldn't afford a house of their own just yet. There were five children and a single working mom. The father of the oldest two was rarely involved with them, and the father of the youngest three is in prison.

Though it was absolutely clear that their mother loved them more than anything in the world, you could see negative effects in each of them. You still can.

 

I think the key thing that there is stability for the kid, that there is someone THERE for them. I don't think it has to be mom. Dad's are perfectly capable of staying home and raising children. There are also the option for either part-time work or a staggered schedule so both parents work (day, swing, grave, working weekends etc), but there is usually someone home. The dynamics of society have changed. It used to be that everyone worked. Every able bodied person helped do work on the farm or hunted or gathered. Families also used to include more family members than just mom and dad and the kid. It used to be that grandparents would live with the family. Everyone pitched in with work and everyone with the kids. The way we work is different now, so the way we raise our kids has to change accordingly.

 

Kids need love, security and consistency. It can come from a stay-at-home "mom", "dad", "grandma" or just about any person who provides stability and a strong emotional foundation.

 

I think Carmina and NaCl just said it perfectly.

I dont know about the necessity for anyone to stay at home. Of course children need a caring individual around to develop morals and learn other general practices like good hygiene and proper socialization. It's also of course common knowledge that kids lacking either parent will typically show this in their behaviour or mental processes.
But honestly, I feel like all anyone ever needs is just a person to take care of them and show them love, to nurture them. It doesnt need to be a mother nor does it need to be a father.

I'm no model child, but when I was younger --from about six to fifteen; now seventeen-- I spent a great deal of time on my own. My dad was always away on work and still is. My mom worked very long hours. I have no brothers or sisters, and at the time, my grandfather was not living with us. I spent a lot of time by myself, and I still do even though circumstances have changed.
Yet when I was thirteen, I met someone who showed me unconditional love and taught me everything my parents never had the chance to and more. No relation to me whatsoever, and I still think I turned out perfectly fine. Like I said, I'm no model child, but I'm a lot better than some of those kids out there.

All you need is someone. (S)he doesnt need to be a mother; S(he) doesnt need to be a father; (S)he doesnt even need to live in the home. My mentor was just a close friend with a desire to help me grow.

I liked being on my own --I still do. Being on your own teaches you to adopt certain independence at a younger age that will make you more capable in your adult life. (Then again, I havent reached my adult life yet. Just my educated guess.)
I can say this for certain; in my 'utopian' town, a lot of mothers stay at home because it is a very economically well-off town and most mothers can afford that luxury. And despite all the attention and opportunity these kids were given? Most of them, to be perfectly honest, are hopeless.

 

If you're staying at home you're putting yourself in serious financial risk. Your financial security is dependent on your husband. If he decides to leave you for a younger, blonder version once you've cleaned his house for 20 years and raised his kids you are screwed. If he gets laid off and decides he likes being an alcoholic instead of providing for you and your kid you are screwed. There's way too many variables that could easily lead to you being totally screwed.
But I am a stay at home mom myself, though I know how stupid this is and it's not my long term plan. I hate working. I wanted to breastfeed my child for 3 years and all that.
Most people don't get to choose their number one choice, it's all circumstantial.
In conclusion, they both suck. Don't get married or have kids.

 

My two parents worked for I think the first five years of my life. Mom went to West Point dad was ROTC. They got married and I got made and I think my mom wanted to keep working and might have save for a few mitigating factors. First she got injured during PT and her back has never recovered. She could have continued to serve in some capacity but then one day in kindergarden I fell from the monkey bars, broke my arm, and had to wait for nearly thirty minutes before either of them could get out of work to come get me and then fifteen more until we got to the hospital. That sucked let me tell you XD.

I think they decided that it would help if one of them were closer to home during the day. Mom retired and became a spanish teacher instead. That worked for awhile but well... I was not the best son the world has ever known lets leave it at that XD. I got into all kinds of trouble (I was a little devil till the 5th grade when I seemingly jumped ship from permanent 2 year old to a 20 year old). My mom retired from teaching after my sister was born and she got fed up with bad experienced with nannies. She just started working again two years ago after I left for college and bills through no fault of my own *looks nervous* suddenly went up.

So guess she didn't be stay at home for that decade for any social or personal reason and more because the situation seemed to demand her taking a more active role in the house keeping (trust me. The nannies were a nightmare. I spent all day with them XD). Yeah. I think I agree with the situational perspective where every family is different.

 

I can get where you're coming from. But people who haven't lived through some of this won't. It's true that a woman should always ideally have her own resources to fall back on if necessary (and so often it is necessary). I teach my daughters this and I must say I'd be happier if they didn't ever marry but I can't live their lives for them and I don't like to paint a totally black and negative picture of the world for them. I'd never give up my children, I adore them but the sacrifices I've made have been horrendous...

 

Oh please. How could you not see that in a situation like that the "negative effects" are from poverty?

 

I'm sure poverty plays a role but I'd bet the absence of a father would too (I'm sure lacking any one parent entirely depending on the situation might have some negative effects). I'm not a believer in "this one thing causes the problem" arguments. I think I'd have some problems with the situation if I hadn't had my dad present while growing up.

I have a cousin who for reasons I can't go into doesn't have her father now. I can see the effect its had, particularly in how she interacts with men now. Luckily she has two of my uncles nearby to fill the fatherly gap, and I think that helps.

 

Poverty is not the root of all evil.

2 examples of two different boys raised in the same town same time same schooling.
one rich kid loved by his parents, had everything he could dream of and more.
one abused, poor boy hated by his parents, had nothing given out of need or love.

rich kid grew up and being who he was raised to think he was, (king of the turd pile) raped a few girls in town. Never convicted, left town and eventually had a country wide warrant out for him because of rape charges.

poor kid grew up put himself through university became very successful.
had children who he loved dearly. Gave them enough so that they should have been happy. 2 were 1 figured he deserved more and one night went to his grandparents home and killed them stealing money and things they had in the house.

the poor kid stuck by his parents and helped them out as soon as he could.
the rich kid continued to take from his parents giving nothing not even love his entire life.

I would much rather have more poor kids living next door to me than the rich ones.
Each situation in life is different and need different ways of dealing with them.

my sons were raised in a 2 parent family one working parent.
my dil was raised by a divorced single mother.
they are all great kids and wonderful adults.
they love their children and would do anything to make them happy.
both parents work and they share the child rearing equally and use day care.
the important thing is they make time for their children when they are home.
the kids are happy and the house is clean enough to be healthy and messy enough to be happy.

As long as the family is happy, healthy and improving then let them live as they see fit.

 

I was raised by a (most of the time) single mother. She was single when I was little, then was married for a few years, and got to stay home with us. When my step father left, she had to go back to work to take care of three children. She would work 3 to 5 jobs at a time to take care of us. One week she had worked 110 hours by Wednesday. I was home schooled, and I would help her know where she was going and what time it was, because she was so tired all the time she didn't know where she was going.

When I was 14, I started working, because I wanted to go on an overseas trip through my church, and I knew she couldn't pay for it. She could barely make the bills. With my first few pay checks I helped to pay down utitlity bills that were getting behind. Then I took over some bills at the house. I was also able to afford to go on my trip. I was the only one that my mom had to count on.

It didn't hurt me any. I knew my mother loved us, and have respect for her for trying so hard to take care of us all the time. She thinks she did a terrible job, but I don't think she did. Even though she worked so much, she still took the time to do things with us, and try to have relationships with us. She did the best she could, in the situation we were in. I learned to be strong from her. I know that if I would ever have to I could support myself, and my children.

Luckily I am happily married, and have a beautiful son. I am currently a stay-at-home mommy. It was really hard for me when I stopped working. I had been used to making my own money since I was 14. So, when I finally had to get used to spending someone elses earnings all the time it was a bit rough. I am finally used to it.

Being a stay-at-home mommy, is very hard work. It can be very stressful, and demanding. But it can also be very rewarding. I love being here in the morning when my son comes staggering out of his room, and wants a hug and kiss good morning. Or if I am still in bed, when he lays on my husbands pillows and we snuggle for an hour or so before we start the day.

It is stressful on the days when he doesn't want to do anything that he needs to, but wants to throw himself down on the floor and fuss all day. Then you get really happy when daddy comes home. (Single mom's have it really hard, they don't often get the help they need. If you know any single mom's and you have the inclination, offer to give her a break by watching her kids for a bit, so she can have a few hours to herself. You would be doing one of the kindest things in the world.)

But, I am not JUST a stay-at-home mommy. I am currently going to school, through the mail, to become a freelance writer. I can do that now, and still take care of him. Although when he starts going to school I can focus on it a lot more, while he is away during the day. I also enjoy doing crafts, and hope to maybe have a craft business someday, where I can sell stuff I make, or raffle stuff off for charity.

I don't think that a woman has to stay home and take care of her family. I choose to do it because we can afford it. I also want my son to know that I am here for him to give him stability. I want him to know that he is loved, and to never doubt that I am here if he ever needs me. I always wanted to be the one that raised my children. I didn't want some stranger at some daycare to teach my child, to have all the 'special' moments. I was lucky enough to have my mother watch him, during his first year and a half when I had to work.

I don't see anything wrong with a woman, or both parents working outside that home. I think that a dad can stay home as well. Each family has to decide what is best for them. A child will still be fine, if his parent(s) are happy and that they know they are loved, and that they have someone that is there for them.

I don't think anyone should be forced to stay home or forced to work. I think that whatever the family needs are, are meet. If you need more money, work. If you can afford to stay at home and want to, stay home. I know for a fact that there are some parents that can't stay at home, because they just aren't built for it. If you know you don't have the patience, there is no point in staying at home and being stressed all day, when you can work and come home and be happy and have a good relationship with your child and spouse.

It is wrong to think that everyone should live the exact same way, and do the exact same things. It isn't right for every home to have a stay at home parent. But it also isn't right for every home to have working parents. Each family is different. The parents have different personalities and needs, and the children have different personalities and needs.

If you want to get into the religious thing, of saying that a mother has to stay home and take care of the children, I think that is TOTALLY wrong. I agree that God made women with special maternal wiring. But I don't think that a dad can't do just as good of a job. I don't think it really matters, as long as the children are loved, valued, and taken care of. I think that is what God wants for all of us. To feel loved, valued, and taken care of.

You also have to remember that God gave us each gifts and talents. Your gift and talent may only be able to flurish in a work enviornment outside the home. It is very true that if you use those talents within yourself that you are happier. Doesn't your child deserve to see their parents happy? Doesn't a child need to know that they can chase their dreams and use their minds to do wonderful things that can touch other peoples lives?

I think that if you say there is only one way, that you are being closed minded. Besides, life is an adventure, we should try all kinds of things to see what works best. Try working, or try staying at home, if it is possible, and see what works the best for your family. You might be surprised, you might like the one you thought you would hate.

Just love all the little people. They are looking to you for love, hope, and security. Let's try not to let them down.

 

I understand where you are coming from Maia. You must have gone through hell. But that's your family, and in a very different time. It's unfair to make such a black and white statement especially since, I've only seen you talk about your own experience. That was your family. Obviously I can't judge a family I've never met, but it sounds more like the problem was not rooted just in you working, but having no other resources, attitude, and the personalities of your children.

Remember, even if you didn't have any family or friends who could help, others do, and other children migh have responded to that situation differently. A friend of mine in college had a baby between first and second year. Everyone was supportive when her son got sick and she had to miss days, and she had a friend who didn't work who looked after the baby while she was at school.

If my mother had worked, my grandparents would have cared for me and my brother until she got home. There are more community centres, afterschool programs, subsidized daycares, workplaces with daycares. In a story about the mother of octuplets, they mentioned a charitable organization that provides nannies to those who can't afford it. When parents get divorced, if necessary, you might be able to create custody agreements that will allow mom to work and Dad care for the kids during that time. Or Dad could be willing to do it anyway. Today, we know how to have both parents work and still make sure children get everything they need, and the resources are there.

 

I went back to work full-time when my daughter was six months old. Me & my husband both work 40 hours a week and still don't have enough money to pay all of our bills. She began nursery, & at first I thought people would think I'm a bad mother. But from my point of view, I need to be able to provide my family with food, clothes, and a house to live in, even working full time we are struggling to do that. I refuse to claim benefits as an job-seeker, because I have a job (whether I enjoy it is a different story), and think it would be untruthful of me to leave it & say I can't get one. Another part is that as my daughter is an only child, nursery gives her friends to play with that she wouldn't have otherwise, teaches her how to share & general social skills. She absolutely loves nursery, and I have no doubt that she knows she has a family who love her when she finishes. I don't see the point in me staying at home & keeping her at home with me just so that my husband can have his tea on the table when he gets in?
Also...why would it be the mother who stays at home & cleans the house & looks after the children? I am better paid than my husband, if anybody would have to be a stay at home parent why shouldn't it be him?
Pah, just my ideas on the subject. In an ideal world nobody would have to work and could spend all day every day just being a happy family with an immaculately tidy house, but that won't happen, and wouldn't be practical anyway.

xxx