This is going to be a long post, I hope you won’t find it to heavy… So awhile back I started up my external hard-drive to do some spring-cleaning. I found a very old original story of mine. I ended up reading it, and realized why the publishers I sent it to back then weren’t interested. I started thinking that maybe I should redo this story into something possibly publishable. Since I might find myself in need of advice, I thought that I might as well start a thread I can return to whenever I get stuck. Here is the summary of the story in its current non-reworked form. Haruka Mamoru is studying to be an archeologist. On the worksite he one day finds a necklace, which looks like a silver-phoenix embracing a ruby-orb. The necklace turns out to be magical and Haruka finds himself transported to a world much unlike his own. There he meets a man his own age named Ai Hisakino, although he prefers to be called Fuu. From him Haruka learn that the necklace is called the Heart of Suzaku, and that the one wearing it is chosen by Suzaku to be his vessel. Suzaku along with his brothers Seiryuu, Byakko and Genbu are gods who for generations have ruled and protected the humans. And Fuu is also revealed to be the Chosen of Suzaku, which mean that he is both Suzaku’s bodyguard and his source of nourishment. The gods feed on the life force of humans, although only Suzaku has a specific person as a donor, his brothers pick new ones among the volunteers every time. However, the brothers do not see eye to eye that much and very soon Haruka finds himself in the middle of war between Suzaku on one side and his three brothers on the other. The war, or game as all four gods tend to call it, is eventually cut short. The four demon kings Qinglong, Zhuque, Baihu and Xuanwu have started to act. Well, they started popping up here and there earlier, but it is during the war they really start to make their move. Suzaku realizes that he cannot handle them on his own and as he kowtows to his brothers (which they comment on because it is so unlike him) he manages to gain their aid. The gods and demon kings face of a couple of times until the demons challenges the gods to a final winner takes all match. The gods have come to realize however that all the demons want is to be able to leave the shadows and end the oppression they have been under by the humans. A peace treaty is formed and both humans and demons try to live in harmony. Haruka is returned home. During his stay in the other world however he and Fuu have fallen in love. But because of Fuu’s position as Chosen there seemed to be no hope for a relationship. Suzaku however realizes that he has lost his Chosen’s devotion, he frees Fuu from this oath of servitude and send him to be reborn in Haruka’s world. And a few days after his return Haruka meet Mahou, Fuu’s reborn self. Mahou had regained his memories from his other life a few years prior and been searching for Haruka since then. The story end with the couple kissing. So, what needs to be changed? Well… MAGIC: I was very inconsistent with how it worked. At times it worked like bending from Avatar: The Last Airbender, characters even calling themselves fire elementals if they had fire powers. At other times they seemed able to do whatever they felt like or just what the plot needed them to do. And they are able to teleport. Maybe not a problem in itself but somehow friends and foes alike are able to teleport right into the middle of Suzaku’s private home. He is a ruler, so shouldn’t some magical protection be in place so assassins can’t do that?!! Yeah, I need to set firm rules about how magic should work. TO MANY CHARACTERS: The gods possessing humans turned out to be a serious issue. It’s fine in this story, but I have sequels. In them the vessels might as well been the gods themselves since the plot has zero need for them. Therefor I have four characters who rarely appear at all. Haruka got his spotlight because the story started with him. I have begun thinking of going the reincarnation route instead of the possession route. Then eight characters would become four. But reincarnation has its own issues. That means that there is a gap of maybe twenty years before they are fit to rule again. And if I remove the ruler part… What should their purpose in the world be? SUZAKU AND ZHUQUE: During the final battle Zhuque confesses to Suzaku. And from the first sequel on, they are in a long-lasting relationship. Looking at things from the beginning though, it’s not that way at all. There Zhuque is insane and having an obsession with Suzaku – his end game being killing him the most painful way he can come up with. Then I got the destined love idea somehow and Zhuque’s character became inconsistent in his portrayal. And if I go the reincarnation route, how can I have them as soul mates? And I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this couple. THE HEARTS AND THE DEMONS: maybe I should call the necklaces sonething else, since calling them Hearts could become confusing when characters talk about the brothers’ hearts in a emotional sence. Soul Stones, maybe? Since the necklaces contain gems which houses their souls. And also calling the enemies demons when it turns out in the end that they are not all evil and most of them just want to live in peace. But I’m not sure what I could call them instead, either... ZHUQUES SPECIES: looking back, having them have wings 24/7 when they are humanoid-looking otherwise could cause issues had it been irl. And since they have markings in their skin I could make them able to manifest wings at will and they appear as part of the skinmarkings when they are not out. Another thing about his species is that they are one single sex, meaning that any member can both impregnate or become pregnant. Still they are all refered to as males. I could call them hermaphrodites instead, but the BL fan in me opposes. Maybe I should just remove the parts about Zhuque giving birth to Suzaku’s kids... I don’t know..... Well, that’s all I have for now. Input would be nice, if you have any. Or just any thought about this. And if you have any questions for me, feel more than free to post; I promise to answer to the best of my ability.
Hi Gladiolus83 - I'm one of the forum moderators here, and I want to welcome you to the forum. I hope you don't mind that I moved your post from General Writing (which is a category for stuff that doesn't fit elsewhere on the forum) to Plot Development, which seems to be what you're concerned with here. Topics can quickly get buried in General Writing, so this is the place where you are most likely to get the feedback you're looking for. Anyway, while I have your attention - if you haven't already, please take the time to read our New Member Quick Start and our Forum Rules to get you oriented. And feel free to contact me if you have any problems getting settled in. Just click my owl avatar and 'start a conversation' with me, and I'll do my best to help. Back to the bones of your story, then. Good luck. I'm sure there are many members here who will be happy to give you feedback. You might want to take a look at some of the other threads in this section, and give THEM feedback. It will help them, and also may give you ideas for your own work. Cheers for now, Jan
I realize I have thrown everything I had at you in my initial post, and perhaps you might wonder exactly what input I might need at this point in the process. Well, I’d like to start with the decision that will determine how much truly needs to be changed for the rewrite. And that is… Possession or Reincarnation? I started thinking about this change when I realized I had underdeveloped characters whose only reason for even being in the story was as the gods’ vessels. By changing it to reincarnation I would get rid of that problem. However, that would mean my foundation is gone and I mostly have to start from scratch. An online acquaintance I made recently gave her input and she seemed for the possession idea, however she thought that “gods” and “possession” didn’t fit so I suggested to call them Guardian Spirits instead. She hasn’t replied about that yet... So, what are your thought? Let me have it
