The Mosquito Coast, Paul Theroux A tale of European Anglo arrogance filtered through its American offspring Allie Fox who attempts to take his children to a new land (Honduras) that no one is using (are there Hondurans?) and create a utopia for his family, cut off from materialism. He will will win over the natives (are they people or monkeys, not sure) with the magic of his white anglo saxon ice.... holymotherofjesus, ICE up in the *!%&^* ($&!%^# jungle!!!!
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn Who in the fuck breastfeeds a six year old? ...and some other stuff I can't remember.
I remember there being a crushed pie brought to school and the teacher humiliating the poor girl by telling her to keep it, she needed it more than the needy. Also, suet was mentioned. I remember because I had to look it up. Had never heard of it to that point. It wasn't until I saw the film that I knew to say sue it, not sweat.
A guy in long-johns goes off to stop a life form that eats nuclear waste while fighting a living costume. Now take a wild guess at what I just described.
@Wreybies - what on earth is a suet? I stared at it for ages wondering if you made a typo lol. A way of writing "sue it" in an accent...? @Kaitou Wolf - I actually have no idea... but now I really want to know! I keep wondering if it's some kind of Marvel comics I don't know about lol.
It's a type of lard you can use to make pastry. On the one hand the pastry has enough calories in it to kill a rhinoceros; on the other hand it is delicious. And since no-one seems to have done this one yet: War And Peace War and peace.
Here are some actual bad examples, not just witty and accurate one-liners, but amalgams of reviews I disagree with about books I recently read: A know-it-all who thinks he is a child prodigy whines about what a failure he is while he tries to explain mathematically why all his girlfriends dumped him, and his irritating Muslim sidekick and his Mary Sue new-best-friend are forced to listen. A teen girl with cancer falls in love with a pretentious douchebag who is basically a male version of her, and together, they annoy everyone with their oh-so-clever metaphors and they intrude on a poor old author who wrote a book that is apparently better than this one. Both kids die because that forces the reader to cry, making this book seem deep and tragic, making more people buy it, making the author rich.
@daemon - but only one kid dies? What's the writer on about?! Unless it's a different cancer-teenage-romance they're on about...?
Suet is a kind of fat. It's pronounced the way one would say sue it (at least in the U.S.) but has nothing to do with litigation.
Someone should so use the word "suet" in their WIP and have the speaker genuinely think that's how you spell "sue it"...
The bad review assumes (validly or not) that she soon dies off-screen. As a bad review, it is an illustration of what happens when a reader dismisses the element of mystery and the subjectivity of interpretation. Actually, my personal favorite interpretation is that her last words in the book are her last words in her life. Not because I dislike her, but because it is the cleanest, most cathartic way it could end. But I like the fact that the ending is open to interpretation. I like to consider other possibilities, even the possibility that she miraculously recovers and lives a long, healthy life. No great story answers all the questions it asks.
I was gonna do The Canterbury Tales first but couldn't come up with anything witty. Plus, I keep mixing the actual stories of Chaucer with the Pasolini movie.
The Stars My Destination - Tattoo'd genius lunatic rapist idiot left for dead in space, is nuts, falls in love with a blind loon, gives the power back to the people. Turns out he's humanities future and a holy man for his fellow savage tattoo'd brethren. Did i mention he's nuts? He's also stupidly violent.
Heart of Darkness- Some white dude from Britain travels to Africa to find some other white dude from Britain. Along the way, white dude and friends nearly get killed half a dozen times because white folks can't traverse jungles. He finds the other white dude whose gone on the crazy side and made himself out to be a god. Or something. He has a last minute realization of wrongness and dies muttering 'the horror...the horror...' White dude returns home (possibly while nearly getting killed half a dozen times in the process) and lies to other white dude's wife all while fearing that deep down, he's a monster and he must act like he's not. Notes from Underground- So there's this bitter guy who likes to suffer. He likes to feel sorry for himself and stew in the misery pot. But he doesn't like to do it alone, so he spreads his misery onto everyone, even a prostitute. Harry Potter- Some orphaned white British kid turns out to be the Chosen One, the savior of the world (Britain), and oh so special. He is abused by his cliché aunt and uncle, goes to a magical school that is divided into four houses that's basically designed to group kids by personality traits because that's, like, so totally rad and cool. Anyway, some dark lord that wasn't killed all the way is brought back to life, and Harry has to beat him all by his lonesome while the rest of the world (Britain) either sits there and does nothing, or tries to impede him. Dumbledore pulls an Obi-Wan Kenobi, Snape apparently lacks the capability of moving on with his life as he hates Harry for the heinous crime of physically looking like James and having Lily's eyes. The final climatic battle that we've all be waiting for boils down to Harry lecturing Voldemort and Voldemort basically killing himself with his own stupidity. Courage and honor is good, ambition and glory is evil and if you're the latter, you're basically the next Dark Lord just waiting to come out. @Mckk - I think daemon is talking about The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. We could discuss that book in its own thread if you wish, @daemon.
Now I'll badly explain the books I was forced to read for school growing up: The Cay- This is a story of a racist white boy named Philippe. After narrowly escaping a sinking ship that was torpedoed by the Nazis (I named the sub the SS Plot Starter), he winds up blind and stranded on an abandoned island in the middle of nowhere. But fear not, this blind kid has two companions: A cat named, originally enough, Stew Cat, and an old black man named Timothy. You can already guess what's happening. Blind kid feels sorry for himself, learns life lessons from Timothy (aka, the embodiment of the 'magical black guy' cliché) and at the end, Timothy dies (of course) and Philippe and Stew Cat are rescued by the USS Deux Ex Machina. There's a sequel to this book that reveals Timothy's past, something we really could've used in this book to give Timothy depth to his character so he wasn't just a flat 'ethnic minority teacher who must teach the stupid racist boy tolerance'. We have to see the twerp again feel sorry for himself and wait for some operation that'll give him his sight back. That sequel ends with the kid back on the Cay with his family...somehow. The Cay that was in the middle of nowhere, that absolutely no one save the men on the USS Deux Ex Machina, a cat, and a little blind boy, knew existed. What, did HMS Convenience beam the location into his head or something? Bridge to Terabethia- There are two kids, a boy named Jesse and a girl named Leslie. They run to the forest where they pretty much act like kids. They create a magical kingdom, have pretend fantasy battles with imaginary monsters, etc. Then Leslie drowns and the kid is forced to grow up. Where the Red Fern Grows- A young boy has two red dogs. He loves them very much. He goes on wonderful adventures with them and wants to be with them forever. Until, that is, a mountain lion comes out of nowhere and murders the hell out of one of the dogs. The other dog pulls a Padme Amidala and dies of a broken heart. The boy buries the two side by side and is forced to grow up. Call It Courage- A boy almost gets himself killed repeatedly on a solo hunt to prove that he's a man. The Giver- To see color in a black and white world, you must know pain. The Count of Monte Cristo- "Hello, little child, I am the Count of Monte Cristo. Were you thinking I was going to go on an entertaining revenge romp that rivaled Batman and Indiana Jones? Too bad! Watch as I talk to people...and to more people...and to even more people. Without once doing anything spectacularly badass. "
Pretty spot on. It's from a Marvel prose novel by Diane Duane called Spider-Man: The Venom Factor. It's one of my favorites and part of a trilogy.
And dumplings! Suet dumplings YUMYUM! Especially Yorkshire ones that are soft and doughy and ... OMG I'm so hungry right now ... You can also use it to make steamed puddings like jam roly-poly and spotted dick and, oh, I have to go find some cake now ...
Sir Gawain and the Green Knight A green dude makes a bet that if Gawain can kill him, he'll kill Gawain in a years time. So Gawain kills him, then goes looking for the green dude in the north because the guy was still alive after Gawain killed him. Gawain gets almost-lucky, and then doesn't get killed by the green dude.
Hahaha! I would have also added 'Only time in literature where a character payed a prostitute to not sleep with them'.
@Link the Writer - I loved your Harry Potter and Giver explanations. The Giver one actually made me laugh out loud That was such a terrible book - such a waste of an excellent idea. I don't understand how it could be considered a "classic" - it's so poorly written!!! GAH just thinking about it! The writing pretty much matched the monotonous, bland world it created. Although, there's a movie of it, and the trailer looks nothing like the book. I'm actually curious - thinking they may have actually improved it! Someone do Narnia, LOTR, His Dark Materials, Hunger Games, I Am Legend... pleeeeease! Ooh and Terry Goodkind and Lee Child novels! I'd be curious to see a Henning Mankell one too. And the reason I won't do them myself is because I can't write humour, so I'm just kinda waiting...
I Am Legend Man is inside his house, hiding from vampires outside. Wonders around during the day, looking for things that can help him, but finds nothing, and he ends up being put in a rather funny mood. And then he lets a girl in because he'd a guy and he wants sexy time, but OH NOT SHE'S A VAMPIRE. He's put to death, so sad, the end.
