1. mrieder79

    mrieder79 Probably not a ground squirrel Contributor

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    Feedback needed--is this clear (194-word excerpt)

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by mrieder79, Aug 30, 2017.

    Vince ran, shouting back at the others. “Go, go, go!” He led them across the churning deck, dodging heaps of debris and holes big enough to swallow a bus, surviving on luck as much as reflex.

    They made the railing, and seconds later, Carson pounded into view, arms stacked high with rolls of gray tape.

    But that was all; he had no rope.

    More struts broke free, the deck dropped three inches, and a crane toppled overboard. Carson skidded to a wheezing halt and dumped the tape at Vince’s feet.

    “No rope,” he said between breaths. “Storage sheds are trashed—couldn’t find any.”

    Vince stared at the tape, at Chuck, at Doc, then over the edge, with no idea what to do next.

    An explosion rocked the platform’s far side. Fire bloomed, and greasy black smoke feathered skyward, carrying the pungent aroma of scorched rubber and burning diesel underlain by a too-sweet smell that reminded Vince of burnt hot dogs. To the north, a section of decking disintegrated, showering the ocean with steel rain. Fissures jagged outward from the gaping hole like spreading cracks in thin ice, devouring the deck and heading their way.

    _______________________________

    Is it clear what, "...heading their way." means? What do you think it means? I am concerned that I may have sacrificed clarity for brevity in this case, but cannot be certain. Thanks for any help.
     
  2. Megs33

    Megs33 Active Member

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    it sounds like the fissures are moving toward them; i don't think that can be misconstrued.
     
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  3. GB reader

    GB reader Contributor Contributor

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    No problem to see the fissures spreading their way.

    "devouring the deck" sounds a little strange, I see it as the fissures could "devouring everything on the deck"

    A painting description, I wouldn't like to be on that deck.
     
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  4. Bill Chester

    Bill Chester Active Member

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    I can picture the fissure devouring the deck, but what I see is CGI. A real fissure is a single crack (Griffith crack).
     
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  5. Trish

    Trish Damned if I do and damned if I don't Contributor

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    The cracks are heading their way. I think it's clear.
     
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  6. Mckk

    Mckk Member Supporter Contributor

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    Yes the meaning is clear (cracks splitting the deck and expanding in the characters' direction, destroying the deck as it happens) and I'd definitely keep reading if this were a book! Keep it up - love the vivid imagery!
     
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  7. Mouthwash

    Mouthwash Senior Member

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    Seems a little awkward for my taste. Maybe "in their direction?"
     
  8. mrieder79

    mrieder79 Probably not a ground squirrel Contributor

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    Thanks for the help all. :)
     

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