Sorry for my recent rash of threads, but you guys are just that good of a resource. My issue today is that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with my wording. I'm a big fan of Game of Thrones, which uses a lot of old-sounding sentence structures and refers to pretty much everything in a dramatic way. I'm worried that my novel has a tone so strong that it comes off saccharine, like it's taking itself too seriously. This is such a hard balance to strike that I want to get it just right before I continue writing. Please judge from a short excerpt whether I need to tone it down a notch or two: context: they are on an airship
I don't think it takes itself too seriously or sounds saccharine, but it does come across as a bit wordy. Try shortening some of the sentences to vary it up, and try replacing passive voice with active voice wherever you can.
OK, thanks. This being an introduction to a chapter, it leans to the wordy side more than the rest of the chapter, but I agree things can be trimmed here. My rhythm is long and drawn out too often, like you said. I'll keep an eye on that.
