Hi guys, As the title says. I now have a complete manuscript that I believe is close to ready for submission, and I've drafted a first attempt at a query letter. Any feedback you have would be very useful, particularly around whether I got the format correct, and whether the story description sounds interesting/have I given enough information etc. Dear XXX, I’m currently seeking representation for my completed manuscript. DIE FOR OLYMPUS is a 75,000 word stand alone story, with series potential, in the YA fantasy genre. I believe you may be a good fit due to XXX… Jason never though he was special. Until he met Sophia. The beautiful and mysterious hunter saved him from certain death at the teeth of a two headed dog; before abducting and smuggling him out of the country. As Jason tries to gather more information on his captors, the truth about his heritage is revealed. Jason is no normal teen. Jason is a demi-god. Son of Chronos, god of time, Jason has been selected to compete in a deadly contest for the amusement of the gods. As strength and power he never knew he possessed begin to awaken within, so does something darker; an innate rage against the gods that hints there is more to Jason than even the gods know. Can Jason survive the competition, while resisting the foreign darkness within? Or will he and his new friends die for Olympus? This is the first manuscript I’ve submitted to an agent, but have completed several other manuscripts in the past, and have attended evening creative writing classes at a local college. I now feel ready to take the next step with this manuscript. Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to hear from you in due course. Kind regards XXX
First off, I think both instances of semicolon use are incorrect (or at least non-standard) and will probably raise some flags. I've never submitted a query letter, but personally I would cut the second to last paragraph. I just don't think it's necessary to advertise that this is your first manuscript for submission, at least not in that manner. To me, the whole plot sounds like a generic Percy Jackson type story. Obviously you've done a lot of work with this so that's probably not a fair assessment, so my suggestion would be to find a way to make it seem more unique or original, putting in a few details that make it stand out. Also, there seems to be a lot of variation among agents as to how much mystery should be in the query letter, but I'm not sure ending it with multiple questions like you have is advisable. Again, I have no experience in this, but hopefully my comment will get the ball rolling and other users will share their thoughts.
I would cut this. They know why you're contacting them. I would write this like, "DIE FOR OLYMPUS is a YA fantasy novel, complete at 75,000 words. It is a standalone story, but has series potential." I always recommend making this part sound more confident. For myself, if I am going to make such a statement (I don't always include one), I say something like, "The mix of genres here (or whatever) should make this work land squarely in your wheelhouse." I think you need to mention within the same paragraph why Jason now thinks he is special. I know you meant "thought" instead of "though" there. I think the hunter saves him here rather than "saved." Two headed should be two-headed. And yes, as mentioned above, semi-colon use here is incorrect. I'd write it maybe this way: "Jason never thought he was special. Until he met Sophia. The beautiful and mysterious huntress saves him from certain death at the teeth of a two-headed dog - but not out of the kindness of her heart. She knows his true identity. Jason is a demi-god. Son of Chronos, god of time, Jason has been selected to compete in a deadly contest for the amusement of the gods." Lose the semi-colon here, too. Maybe separate sentences or a - would work better. "An innate rage against the gods that hints there is" is kind of awkward. Made me stop and have to think about what is meant here. A rage is hinting at something? Plenty of ways to rewrite that bit, though. The questions you use to close the query is a method that is very much up for debate. Some agents really do not care for them, but for others it's perfectly acceptable, as long as it's not done to excess. My own preference is to not use questions in queries. Also - "he and his new friends" - what friends? Not mentioned anywhere else in the query, so I'd say cut that, or mention his new friends somewhere. Yeah, cut this bit. Don't call attention to your being new and not being published. If you don't mention any writing credits, they know. Overall, you've got the structure just about right. It's brief, gets to the point, and it's certainly not a plot summary, which a lot of people (including myself) tend to do in their queries. Just needs a bit of editing. You're well on your way. Note - none of my own queries have been successful, and I'm certainly not an expert, though I have done quite a bit of research on the subject over the past couple of years. So take my thoughts with a grain of salt.
Thanks for the response, they've been very helpful. My first drafts usually have a good few errors (like semi-colons used incorrectly!). I'd normally wait a couple days then review, but got a bit excited about the idea of finally being able to query an agent, so posted here as soon as I'd drafted it. That's a fair comment, I imagine any story with Greek gods and demi-gods is going to instantly draw that comparison. In fact, when asked what my story was about in the past, I've often described it as a darker Percy Jackson crossed with The Hunger Games. I'll have a play with adding in some of the more unique aspects. Some very good points in here, and I'll definitely be taking them on board. Your re-write of the "Jason never thought he was special..." part reads a lot smoother than mine, thanks for the suggestion. I'll also need to rework the 'innate rage' bit too, I was unsure on that part to start with, so glad you flagged it as unclear. The questions at the end, I'll rewrite it in a way where it's more of a statement. "Yeah, cut this bit. Don't call attention to your being new and not being published. If you don't mention any writing credits, they know." Would you just leave this paragraph out entirely, or replace it with more biographical information? One other question I have - I found an agent that asks for a 'cover letter' and a synopsis, rather than a 'query letter' am I safe to assume that a cover letter is the same thing as a query letter? I've done some searches online for 'cover letter for literary agents' but the results keep turning up information on query letters. Thanks again, Will
My bad, the bio part completely slipped my mind. Yes, most query letters should include a quick bio of no more than 100 words. Only in rare cases have I seen an agent request that no bio be included. If you have no credits, maybe just a little bit about you and anything that you've done that might make you seem like someone who is an authority on the subject matter. For one book that has a lot of history and anthropology content, I mention that this was what I studied at university. For another, where refugees from a lunar colony have to repopulate the Earth, I wrote, "The first half of my life was spent in the wilds outside of (remote city), which greatly informed the wilderness survival content in this book, as well as the pre-industrial pioneer living." Yeah, I'm not sure why they would've said "cover letter," but they definitely meant query letter. Cover letters are more for submitting short stories to magazines. Very brief, basically just your writing credits, and if you don't have any, it's pretty much, "hey thanks for considering my piece, sincerely, me."
Thanks for all your help. I've been busy recently, so have only just got around to finishing my synopsis (or the first draft of it). The agency I was looking at says the synopsis should ideally be no more than one page, but mine is about one and two thirds, and I'm not sure how to trim it down while still providing enough detail to make the story make sense! Any tips?
It's difficult to give tips on this. All I can really say is, you'll have to cut out details that you believe are important. I like to have two synopses since the length they ask for varies a bit. One is 500 words, and the other is over 800 words. I prefer the longer one, but I figure they still get the gist of the story even with the shorter version.
Thanks, I might have to look up some examples of shorter ones. I do like the idea of having a couple different versions ready to go depending on the requirements of the agents
