My sci-fi novel starts with a father seeing his daughter off to war. The problem is several readers have commented there is no sense of tension since the characters are confident they will win the war easily due to their superior technology. I tried to create some tension by foreshadowing a character's death right after the first paragraph. It goes like this: Chapter one Both his hearts swelling with pride, Commander Tarq watched his daughter walking towards him. Tarina looked decidedly dashing in her white fleet uniform. When she got close enough, Tarq bent slightly forward, and his two front antennas touched Tarina’s, sending a warm sensation throughout his body. If someone had told Tarq this was the last time he saw his daughter alive he would not have believed them. Does this work for you? If it does, should I consider starting the novel with it? Thank you in advance for your feedback
I don't think this is foreshadowing so much as spelling it out. In my understanding, foreshadowing is a more or less subtle hint of what is to come, allowing the reader to build expectations, or suspicions if you will. It's intended to suggest a certain event or course of events, so that if it happens the reader won't feel as though it comes out of nowhere. They might still be surprised, because foreshadowing often works on a subconscious level. More obvious variants can be equally effective, especially to maintain tension, and especially if subverted. In your example, the daughter's death is a foregone conclusion. That can still work, assuming she is not the main character; following an MC you know is going to die from paragraph one is unlikely to be very rewarding. Otherwise, I think it is a good way of suggesting that this faction's optimism is misguided, and that the war will be a far bloodier affair than they imagine. I wouldn't start the novel in quite this fashion, however. It doesn't work for me as a hook. I'd recommend describing the environment, however briefly, since we are after all dealing with an alien race. Reading it, I imagined this father-daughter meeting taking place right before the army/navy/whatever leaves for war. I imagined huge futuristic warships docked in the background, thousands of soldiers marching off to embark, adoring crowds, a lot of pomp and fanfare. But this could easily be a meeting of two people in a small office. Maybe drop a few lines of narration so we know what to imagine. That aside, it works well enough as an idea, and I would probably be keen to read on if the writing was good. Also, you seen to have an issue with tense in that last sentence. I think it should be "... This was the last time he would see his daughter alive..." or "... Would be the last time he saw..." Edit: I would also stretch the moment out a bit. Insert some dialogue, maybe some backstory via international monologue. Give us a chance to care before the hammer comes down. Right now Tarina is just a name in a uniform. Show us a little of who she is.
Tnx yes, Tarina is a very minor character' who dies in the next scene. And yes, they are in a fleet base very much like what u imagined it is described a bit later after a few lines of diolouges. I am going to listen to your advice and move it further down after the dialogues and the setting. Any suggestion how to make it more subtle? Tnx for the would suggestion. I totally missed it On the whole, would this beginning make u interested in reading more to see what is going on? Some readers suggested I must start with the upcoming battle scene, but I think a battle scene without a little background and chatachtrization is a bit useless. Tnx again
It just occurred to me I could refer to the fate of the planet they are going to defend ( as in everyone would be dead) instead
Thank u very helpful. It just occurred to me I could refer to the fate of the planet they are going to defend ( as in everyone would be dead) instead of the daughter's death The first paragraph is followed by a few lines of dialogue, followed by the setting. I am thinking about removing this and putting a hopefully more subtle foreshadowing there how does that sound?
@sean robins you're very welcome. I would really consider pushing the place-setting all the way up front, so nobody accidentally imagines the wrong thing. That can be extremely jarring. Edit: you don't have to describe it at length just yet. More than enough to say "They met in the starfleet harbor. All around, the Placeholderian war machine moved into high gear" or something. You can always give it more description later. I'm on my phone, so I won't be quoting. I agree that you probably shouldn't start with a battle scene sans a little context. Unless the focus isn't on the fighting itself, but on something else that just happens to... Happen... During a battle. One thing you could try instead of the "if anybody told him" line is to do a flash-forward into said battle scene, where Tarina gets a few moments of spotlight before promptly dying. Cut back to proud old daddy, oh so blissfully unaware. Done right, this could be jarring in the good way. It could fool the reader into thinking she would be the main character, and then they have their legs swept from under them. Start the story with a jolt. Show them that war isn't a ****** game. This would contrast effectively with the optimism immediately preceding it, and is a great opportunity for exposition re: the enemy. Of course it depends on the tone of your story and other things. How cynical do you want to get? Sorry, I seem to just keep on editing. Last time, I swear. Here's hoping you haven't read it yet.
I think i figured it out After that first paragraph, there are a few lines of dialogue, followed by a couple of paragraphs describing the setting, followed by this: “So for once I am off to save the galaxy, and you have to stay behind and watch,” smirked Tarina. “Do not get cocky, young woman,“ said Tarq, feigning indignation. “Who do you think had devised our overall defensive strategy against the Tyools?” “I do not know. The fleet admirals?” said Tarina, and they both burst into laughter. “Those guys can not find their own antennae unless someone smarter holds their hands”, saidTarq. Tarina laughed harder. It never occurred to Tarq this was the last time he would hear her laughter. what do u think?
I have to ask - why exactly do you have to start with Tarina's death, esp as she's a minor character anyhow? Why not start after her death? How did it all go so wrong - what's the mystery? You'd have a hook right away. A grieving father - reader will ask: who was she and how did she die? Which would be a perfect way of getting into all the background and battles before getting on with the rest of the story. Another question: is your draft even finished? You do realise the opening is one of those things that changes the most, and a good opening will entirely depend on the rest of your novel, right? Because only then will you know what to focus on, what's paramount for the reader to know right now.
You could technically consider simply opening with this dialogue, without the preamble. The dialogue reveals enough: there's a war, father's proud, they're certain of victory. I do like the implication that the father's the one who devised the plan, which is gonna spell GUILT after the death - that bit is nice. My only criticism would be: your dialogue reads very stilted. Few people say "do not" and "cannot" (which, incidentally, is one word) unless they're really trying to emphasise something. Think about how you'd normally speak and write it that way for dialogue. Dialogue is not narrative. Right now they sound extremely unnatural.
As with most things in writing, it will vary from person to person. The opening tends to be the thing most people get stuck on - it's worth just going ahead and writing rather than trying to find the perfect opening before you start. It's also often that your story changes as you're writing, meaning the opening now needs to change too. Sure, if you outline, you may find the opening easier too because you already have the overview - but that's my point. Esp for a pantser, you don't have the true overview until the novel is finished. Great that you didn't have to change your opening but I'd say that's more an exception and not the norm. My point is simply that you can see what the opening should be more clearly if you have an overview of the finished work already - an overview could be had from an outline or from a fully written draft.
as a way to differentiate my alien's speech from the human's, i have written all their dialogues without contractions on purpose. maybe i should mention it somewhere later on that they do not have contractions in their language; therefore, they do not get the concept in English either. i think i was influenced by Data and Spock thanks for all the feedback wish me luck!
i have finished the book. i have had it developmentally edited twice, and i just got my comprehensive edit done, and i am still struggling with the beginning. i must have changed it ten times already. funnily enough, i initially did start with Tarina's ship explosion and her death in the first paragraph, continuing with Tarq's point of view at the middle of the battle. it did have the advantage of starting the story with a bang; however, a lot of people (including my own editor) commented that without a bit of characterization and backstory, the whole explosion and battle scene was not very impactful. which is why i started with the father and daughter meeting before the battle. Then a lot of people commented there was no tension, so i tried to put the foreshadowing there to make it suspenseful.
This isn't foreshadowing it's narrating and telling the reader what's too come. Foreshadowing is much more subtle and I think like all tools in writing it is an art form. Brandon Sanderson does some very good lectures on youtube on this subject I suggest you do some research and know what you're trying to do. Watch the Sixth Sense. That movie is slapping you in the face constantly with the twist ending but unless you all ready know what's coming it'll catch most people out and you'll be kicking yourself that you didn't see that twist coming - that is foreshadowing. They didn't tell us or spell it out. It depends on the effect you want. Are you going for the death as a twist?
That's the thing - my suggestion is get straight to the father's grief. Forget writing the explosion - that happens off screen. You see what I mean? Go straight into something like: Tarq trembled, but he couldn't find the words, his throat too dry to speak. The whole of the Safina Space fleet had been destroyed in one strike. Two thousand ships, but all their missiles and pilots were for nothing because the enemy had seen right through their plan from the very beginning. Tarq's antennas skimmed the screens before him, frantically searching for some clue - anything - that would tell him why. How? There had to be a mole, someone whose twin hearts beat at a different time to the rest of them that they would give the entire fleet up to the enemy. Every single ship. Gone. And Tarina. He swallowed against the thought of his daughter. He couldn't think of her right now. Turning to the steward behind him, he asked, "Has anyone combed the battlefield yet?" He had to keep it together. "What data do we have from the debris?" "There's not been the time-" "Then get your asses out there and sweep the fucking space field this instant before I tear your hearts out and feed them to the worms!" "Yes, sir!" Tarq watched the creature disappear and the door close before him before he himself sank into the closest chair. He'd devised the strategic plans himself. He. He was the one in charge of it all. Now Tarina was dead. His antennas twitched, searching for somebody to connect to like a hand looking for strength. Hadn't she stood right here only this morning, right here in this space in her shining new uniform? White with gold stars, the emblem of Jupiter gleaming on her right arm. It had been like a second skin - she'd been made for that uniform. All her life. All her life. Tarq wept into his hands. I don't know, sorry, at some point I just started having fun writing Use it or not as you wish. Another suggestion would be right before Tarina's death. Take it from Tarina's point of view just as something goes wrong? Or if she knows she's about to die, does she think about her father? Does she blame him? Does she think to leave a goodbye note somehow, some voice recording? Basically, the point between the current father-daughter opening and Tarina's death. Anyway, foreshadowing isn't a bad idea, but as others have said already, what you did there wasn't foreshadowing. If you could somehow convey a sense of foreboding while the characters seem happily oblivious to it, that would up the tension a hundred fold, I think. However, that itself is going to be hard without the reader knowing some background, because the reader won't know to read into certain details to get to the conclusion that it's all gonna go wrong. But that's why I'm suggesting starting straight with the father - a grieving father is easy to relate to, and it makes the reader interested in whatever technology and world-building you need to feed now to make the whole thing make sense.
not her death in particular, but the whole situation: They are supremely confident they would win the battle easily due to their superior technology, but they end up being slaughtered. It happens in the next scene, so it is not really much of a twist, but this is the incident that starts the story.
I just thought of a way of foreshadowing, possibly. You could use the line: It'll be over by Christmas. I'm taking it from WWI in England. They were all so certain of instant victory, they were talking about being home in time for Christmas. I'm guessing a lot of Brits will probably straight away have some feeling or opinion on the line, they'll start making certain assumptions. It might be tapping into cultural knowledge a bit - however, even in the wider sense, it would show very clearly that your alien race was certain of victory. In any case, perhaps real world history might give you some inspiration. I haven't read everything on this site but it appears to be first hand accounts of when England first started getting bombed? https://www.iwm.org.uk/history/voices-of-the-first-world-war-over-by-christmas
This is a brilliant idea. thanks a lot after struggling with my novel's opening for weeks, i think i finally found the best idea to work with i think i will start with Tarina's death from Tarq's POV, have a flashback to the father and daughter meet, and continue with the battle, now with tarq himself being in danger. thanks again
