1. amerrigan

    amerrigan Active Member

    Oct 13, 2016
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    Synopsis From Manuscript to Publisher - with your help

    Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by amerrigan, May 18, 2017.

    The novel is finished! 270 pages containing 100,000 words of epic science fiction action and far out comedy is sitting here on my computer - and now its time to force it in front of people's faces.

    The path of the journey should go something like this:

    Beta Readers.
    Polish more.
    Deal with rejection.
    Something, Something.

    (If you know of any more steps I should follow, please comment!)

    I've printed out hard copies of the manuscript and forced my giant bricks of bound paper upon friends and family - with a red pen tied to its spine. Hopefully having my book floating around in their house will remind them to read it (a lot better than a file on a computer, and my nagging, ever would)

    And while they are away reading it (and me too of course) I've worked with a very knowledgeable friend to help me bring my synopsis into existence.

    I present it now for your critiques and comments:


    Sorcery and the Art of Giant Robot Maintenance.

    We meet our heroes during a crisis. On a planet where humans are a minority that are hated due to an ancient war, Arnon Ray - a robot builder - and his son are working against prejudice to become heroes by fighting a giant robot.

    However, things start to become muddled when another father/son duo - who are also working against prejudice to become heroes by fighting the same giant robot - get in their way. This pair are Fiest, an amateur wizard, and his father.

    The two teams clash and distract one another, leading to the death of Arnon’s son and Fiest’s father at the hands of the robot. But Arnon and Fiest are clearly marked as ‘destined to be together’. For, at this time, a dark spirit emerges and informs them that there is a ‘greater destiny’ that will unfold if they stay together.

    They work together and manage to save the city from this robot.

    But, despite this promise of destiny, the two of them are being separated by the forces of confusion. Even though they destroyed the giant robot, the prejudice against humans prevents them from coming forward as the heroes that saved the day.

    Now, the entire planet is plunged into a state of confusion, miscommunication and frustration.

    Where did the robot come from? Who made it? Who destroyed it? And – is there another one on its way?

    The villains of the story, a group of evil aliens who did not build the original robot, make things worse by constantly betraying each other, and by manipulating the public’s opinion to meet their nefarious desires.

    The confusion gets more convoluted. One of the villains publicly claims that the robot was built by two humans that Arnon and Fiest coincidentally fit the profile of. They are seen as these ‘made up terrorists’. However, fiction starts to become a reality when Arnon finds the plans for the original robot. Building it may be the only way to save the city from further attacks.

    The spreading darkness of confusion slowly motivates a team of odd-balls to gather toward Arnon and Fiest. The members of this team are:

    A girl who won’t stop floating, a murderous battle-droid obsessed with asking his victims for his password, a wizard who can only cast spells when he is drunk, an immature engineering student who is obsessed with making people like him, a warrior-woman who is so intense she frightens her own friends, a fat old alien that looks like a chia-pet, and an archaeology student who is built like a classical fantasy barbarian; but doesn’t realise people see him this way.

    All of these characters seem useless and ineffectual - and half of them want to arrest Arnon and Fiest for crimes they didn’t commit.

    Arnon makes a decision that he thinks will clear the confusion and will bring everyone together to reach their foretold destiny - he comes out of hiding and convinces the humans to build a robot that will protect the planet.

    But, this only makes the darkness of confusion reach its thickest, as the very act of them building the robot is what motivates the villains to build one of their very own. During this ‘who will finish the robot first’ race, the tension for the characters reaches its peak:

    Fiest loses the ability to cast spells, otherwise he will die.

    Because society is prejudiced against Arnon, the project is taken from him.

    And the group of villain’s ingrained desire to betray one another constantly leads them to sabotage their own construction - until one of them goes insane and starts to believe he is a super-hero.

    When both robots are eventually launched, things go disastrously wrong for our heroes and our villains. As both robot-designs were stolen from the other side, each team has actually built the other team’s robot. Now, neither of them will work unless they agree to swap. After which, a non-battle takes place as neither side wants to damage the thing they’ve worked so hard to build. The climax of the story goes awry.

    But, by this point, all of the confused characters running around each other have managed to completely distract each other from the real source of the original calamity; for neither side of this fight actually built the original robot.

    Now, that robots successor arrives and destroys everything both the heroes and villains have been building.

    In the midst of this ultimate disaster, an understanding of the ‘greater destiny’ finally dawns. Fiest and Arnon meld together their magical and technological abilities to create a heroic robot that can defeat their horrific foe. After a long battle the heroes are victorious.

    Everybody breathes a sigh of relief as the world is free from the darkness of confusion, and life goes back to normal.


    And that's the synopsis! IT IS TOO LONG. 800 words. Needs to be 500-600. But I don't know how to cut it down any further without confusing the reader.
    Last edited: May 22, 2017
  2. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

    Aug 12, 2015
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    London, UK
    Have you had, or are you planning to have, beta readers who aren't friends or family? I would never send anything to an agent/publisher without doing that. I've heard of people who do, but I think they drastically reduce their chances of acceptance.

    Forgot to wish you luck! It's a long road but you'll meet some great people at the very least. :)
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
    ToDandy and amerrigan like this.
  3. jannert

    jannert Retired Mod Supporter Contributor

    Mar 7, 2013
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    I'm not inclined to read a synopsis—especially if I haven't read your story. It's not designed to sell your story, it's simply for agents or publishers to decide whether or not you know how a story works. And it gives away the ending.

    I am totally in agreement with @Tenderiser, though. Proofread, polish ...then give it to a cross-section of beta readers.

    They can be friends and family members, but it's great to get feedback from some who aren't as well. These can be expert writers or simply readers. Take all feedback on board. Edit, proofread, polish again. Then give it to a new batch of beta readers. See if they point out the same issues your earlier ones did. If not, you probably ironed out those problems. Tackle any new problems the new batch of beta readers have highlighted. Rinse and repeat until you are pretty sure you've nailed the story and fixed all the problems in it. THEN write a query letter and send it out.... and good luck!
    amerrigan likes this.
  4. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin Funky like your grandpa's drawers.... Staff Contributor

    Jan 8, 2017
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    Rhode Island
    Avoid friends and family like the plague. It's fine if they want to read it but you can't trust anything they say from a critique standpoint. They are biased and compromised--reading your work will be more about you than the actual product. And it's not even so much about hurting/not hurting your feelings, but people who know you might "get" certain things about your writing that a random reader will not. Things about your personality, sense of humor, inside jokes, etc. Especially if there are humorous elements to your story, as you said. People who think you're a funny guy to begin with will be more inclined to laugh, whereas the rest of us might be like, "huh, that's not funny at all." You want total strangers for beta-reading, and the more ruthless the better.
    Foxxx, Rosacrvx and amerrigan like this.
  5. amerrigan

    amerrigan Active Member

    Oct 13, 2016
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    I’m hoping this thread will help other people on the same path who come on here and read it. (The path of trying to squash a complex book into the confines of the bite sized pieces you need to create to get it published) So, I just want to preface this by saying that I’m NOT talking about the things I’ve done so far from a ‘defending myself’ standpoint, but from a potential point of view of ‘this is what I’ve tried, and other people in a similar situation can learn from my experience’.

    Okay, here we go.

    Okidoki, I've added a beta reader step to the to-do list! And thanks!

    My friends and family are good with grammar, and I write so fast that I'm a bit clumsy with it. So by getting them to proofread it, I hope to fix those surface level problems.

    That's alright, you don't have to read the synopsis before you read the book. Are you wanting to read the book? I wasn't going to send it to, what I now know are, beta-level readers until I’d fixed my grammatical errors... but I can send it to you if you're open to it. There have been large chunks of it floating around the internet for a while now. So while you’d be within the first ten people the read the whole thing, around 300 people have copies of a lot of it already.

    With the synopsis, though. I kind of just wanted to see if I'd written a synopsis how it should be done. Because, I’m trying to figure out how you write a synopsis for this kind of book. The book is a complex story. It is a fantasy style plot that covers a large cast of characters whose stories weave in and out of each other. As such, this synopsis can only ever be a 'tip of the iceberg' of the many twisty turny plots that take place in the book. I've had to really pull it back to fit the word count of a synopsis and, following the advice for writing a synopsis online, I’ve just focused on one of the multiple characters in the story.

    That's why I'm asking for feedback on the synopsis. It was really hard to know what to include in the small amount of space it has, and because I’m too close to the book, I think I need someone else to tell me if the synopsis reads well and conveys what it should.

    Yeah, I get why to avoid friends and family. I’ve read a few threads here about using them, and why you shouldn’t, but as I said above, they are very good people for when it comes to grammar and things in that realm. Which is a good proofreading level of judgement.

    But, you are right, I’ll need to source strangers as beta readers at some point.

    As to the comedy aspect of it. The 'knowing me personally' and 'inside jokes' etc. I’ve tried to find solutions for the ever present question of ‘am I really funny?’ already – It helps that I’ve actually worked with humour for a while now, so I’m not really at the level of ‘please reaffirm my belief that I am funny’.

    I’ve gotten all of the inside jokes out of my system long ago through some of my other creations.

    It’s actually a good idea for anyone wanting to write comedy to go through that process. To try to empty the tank of what you and your colleagues have made funny for yourselves, and then start from the blank canvas of: ‘what is going to make that random person on the other side of the world laugh.’

    As I said above, I’ve made large chunks of the book available online, mainly to test how the comedy is working this time around. The feedback has been positive.

    My real problem at this stage is with the synopsis. My comedy is within the very sarcastic Douglas Adams style voice I tell the story with, and I feel that any synopsis is completely drained of voice. As it only tells the plot. It does not convey the quality of comedy in the book at all.

    Is it okay for a synopsis to do this? I mean… the plot of any comedy isn’t funny in itself, it’s the stuff that happens along the way that contains the comedy. So for me to pull it back to a synopsis level really makes it dry and humourless.

    How do I get the reader of the synopsis to know what kind of comedy to expect when they read it?

    I’m not confident that this synopsis does that. But, I also think that maybe it isn't meant to…
  6. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

    Aug 12, 2015
    Likes Received:
    London, UK

    The beta level comes after proofreading - the manuscript should be as perfect as you can get it before you send to betas. So I'd go ahead with your friends and family and their red pen, and then find some betas.

    Betas aren't proofreaders. They act as unbiased readers who tell you whether the higher level things - the plot, characters, emotions - work for them. Think of it as previewing your Amazon/Goodreads reviews, and having a chance to chance to change what they say (if necessary) before you publish. E.g. if several of your betas say they hate the main character and want him to fail, you're probably going to want to change that.

    What do you mean by "large chunks", and where are they available online? This could be an issue for publishers, depending on what you mean by "large chunks" and if they're searchable or password-protected. Small publishers tend to be more flexible but larger publishers--the ones you want to be published with if you can--generally won't publish something that is, or has been, largely available for free online. There are some exceptions, but it holds as a rule.

    A synopsis doesn't need to be voice-y. The query and manuscript should get the humour across. As @jannert says, the only purpose of the synopsis is to show an agent/publisher, without reading all 100k words, that you have a complete story with a satisfying ending. Don't worry about it sounding 'dry'.
  7. amerrigan

    amerrigan Active Member

    Oct 13, 2016
    Likes Received:
    Well, my wife's mother loves her kindle, so I was putting it up on amazon at 10k words at a time so she could easily download it and read it, and I made each part of it free for a few days so she didn't have to pay for it, and I put the free link on reddit and asked people to give me feedback on it. Under half of the book was put up that way.

    It wasn't ever really offered or advertised as a product though, nothing I'd personally consider as 'published'.

    They are not accessible right now without paying money for them, and I'm sure if I delete them from my amazon account then they'll be gone from the web completely - well the mobi files will still be out there on the people who read it to give me feedbacks kindles, but that's about it.

    Bayview did mention this issue to me a while ago, which is why I stopped posting it on amazon and told people who wanted to read it to wait for it to be finished as a whole book.
  8. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

    Aug 12, 2015
    Likes Received:
    London, UK
    Publishers may still consider it published, unfortunately. But nothing you can do about that except wait and see, and cross the bridge when it comes to it. :)

    Just for future reference, a book doesn't need to be on Amazon to be downloaded on Kindle. The Kindle owner just needs to email the mobi file to their Kindle as an attachment - there's a guide on Amazon help somewhere.

    Okay, back on topic - I didn't critique your synopsis because space adventures aren't my thing, but it doesn't seem like anyone else is going to either so I'll give it a go. Give me a few hours and see if I come up with any useful feedback :D
  9. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

    Aug 12, 2015
    Likes Received:
    London, UK
    Bearing in mind that I'm not a publishing professional and curse the very existence of synopses, these are my thoughts on yours. I know some people get very upset at others rewriting their work so please feel free to totally ignore me if I've overstepped the mark. This is the only way I know how to try to help with queries and synopses.

    There are too many names here. In a synopsis you should restrict yourself to three or four at the most - MC, sidekick, antagonist, and possibly a love interest. If anybody else needs to be referred to they can be "a sorcerer" or "a waitress" or whatever. For synopsis purposes, Ralian and Maxim aren't important, so I suggest removing their names.

    I also suggest condensing this paragraph because it reads like exposition and backstory and is confusing - to me, anyway. Removing some of the proper nouns will help but I think you also need to simplify Arnon's description: he's a space adventurer but also an astro-mechanic and also a Mech and also misjudged as a criminal. He doesn't appear to go on a space adventure in the synopsis, and it doesn't impact any other events that he's called a Mech and is misjudged as a criminal, so I would stick with:

    "Arnon Ray, an astro-mechanic..."

    Here we have the introduction of the antagonist, presumably - Zardam One. But the synopsis never explains why he's an antagonist, except that he's "evil." Who made him? For what purpose? Why does Arnon have to defeat him as opposed to the authorities, or professional Robot Destroyers or whoever?

    "Arnon Ray, an astro-mechanic, uncovers a plot to [do bad thing] with an evil giant robot, Zardam One. With [reasons nobody else can/will stop it], Arnon has to [do whatever he has to do to stop it]. Arnon and his son join a father-and-son team of wizards but, in an attempt to uncover who's behind the plot, Arnon's son and the elder wizard are killed, leaving him in charge of the wizard's son, Feist. [I don't like the repetition of 'son' but you get the gist.]"

    If you do keep the part about astro-mechanics being treated as criminals, you need to explain why. It's not logical that mechanics are seen as criminals.

    Why don't sorcery and giant robot maintenance gel?

    I'd delete the first sentence - seems redundant, and the criminal element seems irrelevant.

    "Arnon doesn't know how to raise a wizard and Feist and his mystical sorcery don't fit into the practical, nuts-and-bolts world of astro-mechanics. [Replace with whatever the not-gelling reason is.]"

    They forget about the threat of Zardam One, and their relationship issues, to go treasure hunting? I'm guessing not, so I think you should continue those threads into this paragraph.

    Does Fiest want to go on the mission? Does he want to abandon his sorcery and become a mechanic so he fits in? Has he come to like and respect Arnon and wants to impress him? Does he want to avenge his father's death by scuppering Zardam One? Or does he just want something to do? Motivation is important.

    "A grieving Arnon throws himself into a mission to find ancient technology that might help him dismantle Zardam One. Feist welcomes the distraction but Arnon refuses to take him to search the underground labyrinths, and goes instead with Garlett, a female astro-mechanic.

    Grieving, frustrated, and abandoned, Feist [explain briefly how he discovers it] realises Arnon is planning to build a giant robot of his own [which would be bad because...] His anger explodes in an uncontrollable blast of magic that almost kills Arnon."

    Could you explain in a few words what that proof is, or at least what the pure intentions are? Is he building one just to defeat Zardam One, and not to gain power of his own?

    Who curses her? If this happens during the labyrinth search I would mention it up there ^, before Arnon returns and gets magical-blasted. Otherwise it reads like it comes out of the blue for plot convenience.

    "Fiest is shunned by the community of mechanics who hate and fear his magic, especially after his outburst. Lonely and ashamed, he attempts to lift Garlett's curse but, without the guidance of older and wiser sorcerers, fails. Unable to take the hostility any longer, he runs away."

    Okay, since Fiest is tempted to stay by a mission, I'm going to assume he either wants to be a mechanic or wants to stop ZO to avenge his father.

    "Arnon catches Fiest before he flees and tempts him to stay, promising to involve Fiest in his plans to destroy Zardam One. Finally, Fiest feels like he belongs--until he finds out [how? if it can be summarised quickly, do it] Arnon is just using him for his powers: planning to rile him up to another magical outburst, creating a distraction so Arnon can steal [thing he wants to steal, hopefully because it will help him destroy the robot?] unnoticed. Arnon swears he just wants to find a way for them to work together, for the other mechanics to see how useful Fiest's powers can be, [and does Fiest accept this or not?]

    Both the tower and the love interest come completely out of the blue. Put the bit about F falling in love in the paragraph where he tries to save G from the curse (and maybe give us a hint of her personality--why F loves her, and if she shuns him along with everyone else or not...) and, I think, leave out the bit about the "evil-looking" tower. I think you're going for humour, like subverting a fairytale trope, but I'm not sure it works?

    "Fiest doesn't know who to trust any more. He leaves, holes himself up in a tower, and dedicates his days to finding a cure for Garlett, battling frustration and yearning for his father's guidance as he fails over and over. When he's attacked by [who] because [reasons], Arnon comes to the rescue.

    Zardam Two appears out of the blue - he needs to be introduced at the appropriate time with an explanation. And what happened to Zardam One?

    "Fiest finally feels accepted [I know I said this earlier], and throws himself whole-heartedly into becoming a worthy apprentice to Arnon. But while rescuing Fiest, Arnon developed an allegiance with a young engineer named Corbin who's everything Fiest isn't: [Explain why Corbin is a better sidekick.] Arnon and Corbin begin constructing their own giant robot, to [Just save the city? Or defeat Zardam One?], waving aside all Fiest's offers to help."

    "All Fiest has left is Garlett [who hopefully is being sympathetic...?], but she's fading fast from the curse [hopefully...?]. With increasing despair, he realises his magic is getting weaker despite all his efforts to save her. He seeks out a doctor in the hopes of regaining his strength, but the news is grave--his failed spells are destroying his immune system [or whatever], and one more could kill him.

    A desperate Garlett loses her last shred of hope when Fiest tells her there's nothing more he can do, and she withdraws from him as well."

    Zardam Two attacks before Arnon and Corbin are ready. [Example of something horrible ZT does? Or is about to do? Give us some stakes.] As the city crumbles and its citizens fall, Fiest realises there is one last hope--he can cast a spell [can you specify the spell? Like a Reticulating Spline Spell or whatever? Just for some colour...] to complete Arnon's battle bot, and defeat [the people behind the Zardams?] once and for all. But a spell of that magnitude will drain his last reserves, and cost him his life.

    This doesn't work at all because the synopsis only gives a throwaway mention to the clash between wizards and mechanics. In fact, it sounded like they're both fellow outcasts - the Mechs distrusted as criminals and the wizards distrusted as heretics - and should be allies. If this is the ultimate theme of the book then it needs to be threaded throughout the synopsis.

    I also think, for this to work, we need to focus more on the relationship between Arnon and Fiest. It doesn't sound like Arnon cared about him throughout the synopsis, so I can't believe that in the last two lines he had a change of heart and took the boy's death hard. The emotion is mainly missing from your version, so if you want the end to have an emotional impact we need to have a better understanding of the relationships here. The deaths of Arnon's son and Fiest's dad are never mentioned beyond the first paragraph, and I get no sense of Fiest being a lost child looking for a father, or of Arnon missing his son and trying to be a good dad to a boy so different from him and his kind.

    I wonder if it would help for you to rewrite this from Arnon's point of view? We start and end with Arnon but the middle is mostly about Fiest. It might help focus things.
  10. amerrigan

    amerrigan Active Member

    Oct 13, 2016
    Likes Received:
    Thanks! I've copied and pasted it into word and I'm going to go through all you've written thoroughly there. (I only read a small bit of it before I wrote this)

    I will say one thing before I go do that though... I obviously didn't cement that the Zardam One is gone and destroyed by the end of the first paragraph. I wrote 'they defeat it' to write it as briefly as possible... but it is gone. Blows up. No more robot.

    The general idea is that no one knows where it came from, or why it did what it did, and most of the plots and characters are motivated by this lack of knowledge. Panic and ignorance lead to the classic comedic plot structure of 'confusion' that the book follows.

    I do realize that this version of the synopsis does not convey that at all, because the choice I made in order to stick to word count was to focus on the emotional journey Arnon takes through the confusion. But this only covers about a tenth of what the book really does, and hardly describes what the book is actually about.

    Fitting it to synopsis word count is a tough puzzle to crack. That's why I brought it here for help.

    Maybe it would've been best if I put up the full 4000 word synopsis up, the one that explains everything clearly, and then asked how to get it down to 600 words....

    Anyway, I'll go read all you wrote now and come back after I've done the work.

    Thank you so much for putting the time in! It is appreciated beyond words.

    Edit: I've read over it now, and you are essentially asking a lot of questions that can only be answered by massively expanding the word count, and would have been answered had I not taken things out to fit the word count.... synopsis are HARD!
    Last edited: May 19, 2017
  11. amerrigan

    amerrigan Active Member

    Oct 13, 2016
    Likes Received:
    I had posted another version of the synopsis here, but I then realised that it was twice as long as the required word count, so I'd taken it down to work on it again. I got it down to 800 words, and changed it so it followed the plot structure I'd used to write it rather than the 'emotional journey of one of the characters' which synopsis instructions tell you to do. I felt that this approach was lying about what you would get if you read the book.

    For any one interested, here is a brief summary of the plot structure outline I followed to write this book:


    ‘Classical Comedy’ is a plot in which the two main characters are destined to be together, but something is preventing them from doing so. Over the course of the story, whatever is keeping them apart is removed from the equation, usually after a great deal of increasing confusion and miscommunication, which usually results in mass hilarity. In the end, the confusion is cleared up, the bad guy is punished, and everyone joins together.

    Act 1: The “Shadow of Confusion”

    The two main characters are ‘destined to be together’ but they’re being separated. This could be physical separation, or emotional separation. Either way, there’s confusion, miscommunication, and frustration - and the designated duo are not aligning properly.

    Act 2: It Gets Worse

    The confusion previously mentioned gets even more convoluted. The darkness separating everyone is at its thickest, and the tension for the characters is at its peak. Things are going disastrously for our hero and heroine.

    Act 3: The Confusion is Lifted

    Someone or something explains the misunderstandings, all the characters breathe collective sighs of relief, life events are free to be arranged as normal, and the bad guy is either punished or repents in time to join the party.


    Last edited: May 22, 2017
  12. Laurin Kelly

    Laurin Kelly Contributor Contributor

    Jun 5, 2016
    Likes Received:
    If a publisher requires first publication rights, then posting it as you did would likely violate those terms. However, there are some smaller publishers that don't require first publication rights (mine does not), and of course there's your crazy outliers like Fifty Shades of Gray and The Martian who snagged a major publisher even though they'd posted the work online previously.

    But like @Tenderiser mentioned, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. The most important thing to do is get that manuscript as polished up and perfect as possible.
  13. amerrigan

    amerrigan Active Member

    Oct 13, 2016
    Likes Received:
    From my point of view, the quality of its level of 'previously published' is on par with a few sample chapters of it being published in a small press magazine, like a university newspaper that nobody reads.

    I don't really see how the small amount that I put on amazon, unedited and in draft form, could possibly be considered as using up my first publication rights.

    So if you could explain to me why this would be the case, then I'd really like to know.

    Because, if I don't have to write a synopsis and query letters and deal with rejection, and just have to resign to trying to self publish it all on amazon, then I'd rather get straight to doing that.
  14. Laurin Kelly

    Laurin Kelly Contributor Contributor

    Jun 5, 2016
    Likes Received:
    Well honestly, I'm just going off of the many comments I've read here by folks here whose opinion I respect. It's apparently Not Done in the larger publishing circles and with agents. I will let those more knowledgeable respond.

    As for me, I published a complete first draft on my first novel online for free and still got a publishing contract, but I've been told many times here that my experience is way more of an exception than a rule.
  15. amerrigan

    amerrigan Active Member

    Oct 13, 2016
    Likes Received:
    Hmmm... okay.... sigh... I guess I'll keep working on the synopsis then. Dang It.

    Anyway, I've now wiped the small parts that I'd put up on amazon completely, so there is no sign of it ever being there - and I think that should solve the problem.

    If not, then please let me know.

    Thanks for reinstating the problem. Even if it didn't turn out to be an issue in the end. It's still good to try to remove the potential hiccup from the process.
  16. amerrigan

    amerrigan Active Member

    Oct 13, 2016
    Likes Received:
    Thanks again for doing this. You did a really great job, and I don't think I thanked you enough for it.
    Tenderiser likes this.
  17. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

    Aug 12, 2015
    Likes Received:
    London, UK
    You did! Don't read anything into my silence - I wasn't online much at the weekend. :)

    The crux is how small. 20k? 30k? 40k? And how many downloads did you get?

    The thing is, even if Big 5 imprints are going to have an issue with it, you're still okay with many small publishers which, IMO, is still better than self-publishing. So don't panic!

    You'll still have to let the publisher know - there will be some kind of clause in the contract that you have to disclose this kind of thing - but it definitely won't hurt that you've taken it down.


    I think your new synopsis is a little too editorial and, in places, reads more like a structure guide than a synopsis. It needs to be much more straightforward: "This happens and then this happens. As a result, this happens." Phrases like these don't belong in a synopsis:

    We meet our heroes during a crisis.
    Arnon and Fiest are clearly marked as ‘destined to be together’.
    the two of them are being separated by the forces of confusion
    The villains of the story,
    The confusion gets more convoluted.

    These are basically telling the agent/editor what to think. Instead you explain what happens and let them make their own conclusions. E.g. don't tell us we meet the heroes during a crisis - describe the crisis. Don't tell us the characters are marked by destiny - describe the dark spirit and what he says (you did that, so you don't need to also tell us they're marked by destiny). Don't tell us about "the forces of confusion", just explain how the two are separated. Don't tell us who the villains are; describe their villainous actions in a way that it's obvious.

    Do you ever read IMDB entries? If you're familiar with the synopses on there, that's a good place to start: a bland, bald description of events with no inferences or editorialising. Maybe try writing one for your favourite movie and see if that helps you do it for your book?

    ETA: I just checked out the Wiki synopsis for the first Harry Potter book, and I think it's a good example (though in an agent/editor synopsis you wouldn't include all these names - they're there to link to their corresponding wiki articles):

    Full synopsis (1,000 words) here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Potter_and_the_Philosopher's_Stone
  18. amerrigan

    amerrigan Active Member

    Oct 13, 2016
    Likes Received:
    Okay. I think I'm starting to get it... maybe...

    My attempts to write the synopsis have been attempts to find which parts to skip over, or summarize, and figure out how to write those skips/summaries as briefly as possible, which is causing my errors.

    With that in mind, here is the full description of everything that happens in the book. I've tried to make it bland, but I feel like I didn't succeed. I also tried to keep names to a minimum, only using them when it reduced confusion by naming the character. (I know you've said not to name Ralian and Maxim before, but they hang around longer in this description, and it became too confusing not to name them.)

    The description is long, and complex - and I didn't check it for typos, because there's a lot more work that needs to be done before its polished - - so I guess I'm warning you before you start reading it that it will take a while, and I can understand if it makes you want to flee.

    So... here goes...


    The planet T’zarn is half-way between the human planet Hearth and the Trakzi planet Chell. The latter two planets have been at war since anyone can remember.

    T’zarn, being in the exact middle of this war, is a bombed out husk that is filled with creatures who hate humans and Trakzi just as much as each other.

    Ralian Secrade, an expert wizard, and his apprentice/son Fiest Secrade, are being chased through the streets of Sant Geist by a lynch mob. Ralian has received a divination that a great evil is emerging in the city, and the two of them have run into trouble while searching for it.

    Ralian tries to get Fiest to cast his first spell so that they can escape the mob. But it fails. Fiest cannot use magic properly.

    Meanwhile: Arnon Ray, a member of a scavenger society called ‘Mechs’, has been following a trail of ominous technology to a building in Sant Geist. He, and his son Maxim, have blown a hole into the side of the building. They are about to attack whatever is inside when two wizards are pulled up from the street by a magic rope and jump through their hole.

    Inside the building, Ralian and Fiest discover the Zardam One. It is a robot that fills the entire inside of the skyscraper, and it is about to be launched by the Trakzi.

    Fiest and Ralian fight Trakzi soldiers, trying to prevent the launch. A powerful Trakzi wizard named O’ath Kurn appears. O’ath Kurn uses his Trakzi magic, which smells bad, to throw Fiest back through the hole and out to his death.

    Ralian and O’ath Kurn break into a sorcerer’s duel. Ralian almost loses himself to the rage-filled black magic, because of Fiest’s death - but he fights off the urge to use it, because anyone who uses black magic is instantly cursed by it.

    Instead, he clobbers O’ath Kurn over the head with his wizard’s staff and runs outside to search for his son’s body.

    Fiest, however, had landed on the hood of Arnon’s vigilante-vehicle The Hornet. Arnon is forced to land. On the streets below Arnon and Ralian meet.

    There is prejudice against wizards, and there is prejudice against Mechs - so the two teams are not sure of each other. As they slowly start to realise that they have almost identical goals, the building behind them explodes.

    The Zardam One emerges from the building and instantly murders ten thousand innocent people. Their mission to prevent this catastrophe has failed.

    Ralian asks Arnon to fly The Hornet up to the robot so they can find a weakness. After some convincing, Maxim decides for his father, and the four of them fly toward the robot of mass destruction.

    On a rooftop Arnon finds the robot’s weak spot and points it out to Ralian. Ralian casts a fireball at the Zardam One. It misses. The robot turns around and murders Ralian and Maxim with its heat beam.

    In the midst of despair and rage, Arnon hijacks a flying motorbike and tells Fiest to fly it in front of the robot to distract it. Arnon intends to suicide-bomb The Hornet into the robots weak spot. Fiest does not want to do this. While they arguing about it, a black wizard, The Necron - who has been drawn to the city by the cries of the dead souls - finds Fiest.

    The Necron tells Fiest that he has a greater destiny intended for him. In order for this destiny to come about Fiest must go with Arnon and together fly The Hornet into the Zardam One.

    The Necron then flies away to distract the Zardam One while they do this.

    The Necron starts attacking the chest of the Zardam One. It opens to reveal that the robot is actually a giant suit being controlled by O’ath Kurn.

    The Necron and O’ath Kurn have a sorcerer’s duel high above the city.

    In The Hornet, Arnon tries to get Fiest to stay behind, saying that The Necron can’t be right, because what kind of destiny could there be for Fiest is he dies in a suicide dive to take down the Zardam One?

    Fiest refuses, and together they dive bomb the distracted robot.

    At the last second, Fiest, filled with rage over his father’s death, loses himself to black magic, and casts his first spell – a black magic rope that pulls him and Arnon free from The Hornet. They shoot out to safety as the horrific machine explodes behind them.

    The city has been saved – but in doing so, the pair have kick-started a series of events that will unravel over the course of the coming weeks.

    Sant Geist is actually a giant hole in the ground filled with destroyed battleships. These ships were converted into a hive society.

    Deep in this hive, avoiding the tragedy above, are two Mechs searching for treasure inside a giant ‘enterprise-like’ warship.

    These two Mechs are suddenly murdered by a battle-droid that guards the ship.

    Back on the surface, Fiest gathers his father’s belongings from their home. He meets up with Arnon again. Arnon has somehow managed to steal a Trakzi battle-cruiser. The two of them escape from public view down into the obscurity of the Mech underworld.

    Arnon takes Fiest into his home. There, Fiest gets his first taste of bigotry against wizards as Arnon’s service droid, Forky, refuses to call Fiest anything other than ‘guest user’.

    Arnon holds a midnight vigil with other Mechs to mourn his son. Fiest chooses not to join in. He is plagued by doubts over the new reality that his life has suddenly become so quickly since his father passed. He knows that being a master-less sorcerer’s apprentice on T’zarn leads to a bleak future.

    The next day, on the surface of Sant Geist, an alcoholic Hearth Military Wizard named Captain Velt watches the news. The report shows a Trakzi politician, B’Orange Marp, who is lying to the people of T’zarn. Marp is trying to convince everyone that it was the humans who built the Zardam One. Captain Velt decides to deal with this by getting ridiculously drunk.

    That night, at the University of Sant Geist, a young Trakzi student, Judor H’rgan, breaks into the human engineering department’s top secret lab and sneaks past a sleeping human student, Corbin Quest. Judor steals the designs Corbin has been working on. They are plans to build a giant robot for the Hearth Military.

    While fleeing the university, Judor trips over something in a dark alleyway. He lands face to face with a passed out Captain Velt. Velt doesn’t seem to notice anything, but his face is forever implanted in Judor’s paranoid mind.

    Judor makes it back to his frat-house, where he opens a secret door that leads down to an underground lair. A cult is waiting for him. This cult is led by none-other than B’Orange Marp himself, but his leadership is under constant contention. Every other member of this cult are constantly trying to betray each other, with the sole purpose of becoming the next ruler of T’zarn.

    Judor reveals the stolen plans and the cult argue over what to do with them.

    Marp wants to build fake human-robots so that he can destroy them and convince the people of T’zarn that he is a hero, which will lead them to demand Marp become their ruler.

    Another Trakzi, Worlax, wants to use the plans to make robots so he can take over the city by force. Marp allows him to do this - seemingly allowing Worlax’s plan to compete against Marp’s.

    The next morning, an archeology student Tacolis Nestler discovers Captain Velt in a gutter and takes him to the human frat-house to care for his ‘injuries’.

    In the frat-house a panicking Corbin Quest shows up. He is convinced that the Hearth Military is going to lynch him for allowing the Trakzi to rob him. Upon walking into his own bedroom and seeing a Hearth Military officer there, he has a panic attack.

    Once the situation is explained to Captain Velt, the Military Wizard makes it his mission to help solve the mystery and get Corbin his life back.

    Underground, Fiest is trying to fit into Arnon’s world. The two of them, with Forky in toe, climb onboard two more Hornet themed vehicles. They travel down through the tunnels to the unexplored regions below. They are followed by a tribe of other Mechs. Arnon has a reputation for finding impressive treasures, and the rest of the scavengers want a piece of this pie.

    Arnon tells Fiest that they need to split up to lose these followers. Arnon wants to keep this mission a secret. Fiest, not knowing that this secretive behavior isn’t normal, agrees and the two of them drive in separate directions.

    Fiest is followed by a small group of the Mechs. They race through the tunnels as Fiest tries to lose them while following Arnon’s confusing map.

    One of the Mechs catches up to Fiest. She is a woman, about Fiest’s age, named Garlett. She is flirty and confident. Both of them are distracted by meeting each other.

    She is attracted to Fiest as he is the new-boy-in-town, while he is attracted to her as a confident, streetwise and very cool woman.

    Some other, nastier, Mechs catch up to them. Garlett and these other Mechs begin to fight against each while racing through the tunnels.

    This results in an epic accident.

    Fiest casts his black magic rope and saves Garlett from annihilation.

    Fiest and Garlett land at their destination. But there is a circle of Mechs waiting there who have seen Fiest use magic. They are highly prejudiced against wizards.

    Arnon arrives, disappointed that Fiest has led all of these Mechs to their destination. The Mechs accuse Arnon of bringing a dangerous element into their homes.

    Arnon doesn’t care. He simply shrugs and walks off to search for the treasure hidden inside this ‘enterprise-like’ warship that he has found.

    Arnon gives Fiest a map that tells Fiest where to find the wizard’s quarters on the ship. Fiest goes off on his own. He locates some treasure - a super-powerful wand designed to be used by a very advanced Trakzi Wizard, and a huge stack of Trakzi magic books.

    Fiest returns to his hornet-themed vehicle with his booty. There he finds Forky being attacked by the nastier Mechs. They are trying to find clues as to what Arnon is looking for.

    Fiest defends Forky. But he does it by using the Trakzi wand. The result is a frighteningly overpowered blast that send everybody fleeing in fear of this evil-sorcerer.

    Fiest checks on Forky to see if he is okay, but instead discovers that Forky contains the digital blue-prints needed to build the Zardam One.

    Fiest loses himself to rage.

    Meanwhile, inside the massive ship, Arnon catches Garlett following him.

    Because Arnon misses his son, he decides to let Garlett join him. Together, Arnon and Garlett overcome a series of death-traps until one of them explodes in Garlett’s face - casting an ancient Trakzi spell on her which causes her to float and never come down.

    Garlett insists that Arnon continue on his journey. They struggle with Garlett’s ‘curse’ and use it to help them overcome more of the death-traps. The two of them find out the abilities and limitations that Garlett has acquired. She can walk on the ceiling, but she cannot control herself when in mid-air. She can only pretend to swim, but it really gets her nowhere - if there is nothing for her to hold onto, she will float uncontrollably ever upward.

    Arnon and Garlett struggle to overcome the final obstacle. Frustrated, Arnon remembers the loss of his son. He reveals to Garlett that the treasure he seeks will be something he can use to honor his son’s death. The two of them start to open the chamber in which it is hidden.

    Fiest bursts through the door, black magic ropes whipping insanely from his body, speaking in angry magic tones - he has become a monster - losing himself to the darkness of black magic.

    He attacks Arnon, accusing him of building the demon that murdered his father. He is irrational.

    Arnon refuses to fight back, letting his body resign to Fiest’s attacks, and telling him the truth about the plans. That he stole them after the Zardam One exploded. That he doesn’t know if he is going to build it or not. And that he had only convinced himself to collect its pieces so that the Trakzi couldn’t get them first.

    Fiest insists that Arnon would not be able to resist building it, just as Fiest is unable to resist the vengeful power of black magic coursing through his veins. If Arnon builds a Zardam, he will be releasing another demon into the world.

    Arnon claims that he can control robots, and that the Zardam he builds, under his control, would not be a murderous being.

    It is at this time that the guardian battle-droid emerges. Arnon and Fiest put their differences aside and go back into their partnership in order to overcome this problem. They try everything to defeat the robot, but, in the end, it is Arnon’s abilities as a ‘robot-whisperer’ that saves them.

    Fiest, amazed by this, starts to have faith in Arnon. Perhaps he could control a Zardam.

    However, this is no longer relevant, as, in the background, a group of Mech thieves make their exit with Arnon’s treasure.

    It is Fiest’s fault that they were able to steal it. Now Fiest wants to make up for the theft by getting it back. However, Garlett’s curse prevents them from acting.

    Fiest uses his magic rope to pull her into him, and he makes a promise that he will find a cure for her. Suddenly, the two of them have entered a very intimate moment, and the two young lovers kiss – far too soon.

    Fiest is now blinded by love. He ignorantly takes Garlett home feeling like a hero riding off into the sunset. Waiting at Garlett’s home is a mob of angry Mechs who have been told there is a wizard in their midst. Now, seeing that Garlett is infected with a magic curse, the mob decide to burn Fiest at the stake.

    Arnon saves Fiest by admitting that it was Arnon’s fault that Garlett is cursed. Fiest reiterates his promise to cure Garlett. But, in a typical ‘anti-vax’ fashion, the bigoted parents refuse the aid of the only professional that could help her. Fiest, frustrated by all that has happened, tries to run away and never return.

    Arnon catches up to Fiest. He doesn’t want Fiest to leave. He offers Fiest a way to make up for attacking Arnon, revealing that he knows where the thieves who stole his treasure are, and that he needs Fiest’s help to get it back.

    Arnon and Fiest break into the thieves’ compound, but Arnon is acting strange. He usually has a very confident plan of action, but this time he is refusing to take the lead or even to give Fiest any advice.

    Fiest gets more and more frustrated with Arnon, until the two of them are captured and taken prisoner by the thieves.

    Still, Arnon refuses to do anything, leaving Fiest to try to handle the situation by himself.

    The compound is suddenly rocked with an explosion. Arnon and Fiest escape amidst the confusion.

    When they return to their vehicles, they discover Garlett waiting there with their treasure. She had escaped from her parents, and she had blown up the compound and taken back the treasure for Arnon.

    Fiest is angry at Arnon for his lack of input into their raid. Arnon admits that he was trying to get Fiest to lose control of his magic again. He wanted Fiest to become a monster. This would create a distraction that gave Arnon an opportunity to steal back the treasure.

    Fiest starts to feel angry and used. Arnon defends himself - saying that most people who saw Fiest become a monster would try to burn him at the stake, while Arnon tried to find a way for Fiest to be useful. Fiest accepts this logic, but is still unhappy.

    Back on the surface, Worlax has built a large portion of a robot by following the stolen human plans. However, the plans are incomplete. He calls Judor for assistance, as Judor is an engineering student. Judor starts to see the potential of these plans unfold before his expert eyes, but he has to put this to one side, because he has an ulterior motive for visiting Worlax.

    He opens the warehouse doors and allows B’Orange Marp to launch a raid on the construction site. Marp’s fake-robot-busting crew destroy Worlax’s work. However, Judor, being planted with the seeds of another plot, allows Worlax to escape with the plans.

    At the human fraternity, B’Orange Marp’s raid comes onto the news. Tacolis, Corbin and Captain Velt watch the story break, and hear B’Orange Marp claim that this new robot was also built by humans. Marp attempts to make these claims more believable by saying the humans were dastardly wizards and criminal Mechs working together.

    Tacolis starts looking online to see if anyone has tried to sell any of the plans. His search results show that the Mech-thieves were trying to sell Arnon’s treasure online. Their ad says ‘local pick-up only’, and states its suburb. The three of them go down to Arnon’s suburb to search for a wizard and a Mech who are working together.

    When they arrive they ask around for clues. The locals tell them that there is an evil wizard who cursed a girl. He is living on the outskirts of town.

    A warrior woman named Roxen asks to tag along. The party of four journey out to the ominous tower. Fiest has moved into the tower because he is trying to cast Trakzi magic to save Garlett, and Arnon cannot stand the smell of it.

    A battle takes place as Fiest tries to fend off this group of heroes with his wand. The heroes overpower Fiest, but Arnon shows up in his newly rebuilt version of The Hornet.

    Roxen recognizes the design of the ship and reveals to everyone that she is Arnon’s sister.

    Roxen came here to pay her respects for the death of Maxim.

    Because of this family connection, the two hero groups lay down their arms. They have a meeting to exchange stories.

    Arnon is told that Corbin was robbed, and that the Trakzi have now replaced the stolen Zardam One plans with the plans they stole from the humans.

    Arnon fears the worst, and decides to stop keeping secrets. He gives Corbin the plans for the Zardam One so that the university can build a robot and protect the city.

    The university and the Hearth military combine forces to begin building a new Zardam.

    Meanwhile, the dean of the university, who is a Trakzi and a member of B’Orange Marp’s cult, calls Judor into his office.

    He reveals to Judor that the human fraternity is building a robot, and reprimands Judor for giving the plans to Marp instead of using it to benefit the Trakzi fraternity.

    The dean and Judor come up with a plot to build a robot using the stolen human plans, and by importing parts from Worlax’s fake-fake-construction sites.

    They are going to build their robot in the building right next door to the humans. They chose to do this for two reasons. One, to protect the construction from Marp. And two, so that when the humans launch their robot, the Trakzi can spoil the launch by revealing their own robot right next door, and by defeating the humans using the element of surprise.

    The dean and another cult member begin manipulating the public’s opinion so that they are for the building giant robots.

    Corbin and Arnon start to work together. Corbin expresses his anxiety to Arnon, saying that those around him still haven’t forgiven him even though he made up for the robbery by giving them the plans to the Zardam One. Arnon tells him that the real problem is that the Trakzi has their plans, and the only way for Corbin to be truly forgiven is to stop the Trakzi from using them.

    Meanwhile, because Corbin and Arnon are getting along so well, Fiest starts to feel distant. He tries to replace Arnon with Captain Velt. Velt takes Fiest to visit a Hearth Military’s Wizard base. Fiest starts to regret aligning himself with Velt, as it appears Velt is trying to get Fiest to sign up for the military.

    This is not the case. Velt has actually brought Fiest to the base to visit a doctor. It turns out that Fiest’s attempts to cast both black magic and Trakzi magic have clashed within his bloodstream. Fiest has been infected with magical cancer.

    Fiest can no longer use magic, otherwise he will die.

    Fiest goes to Garlett to tell her the bad news - that he can not only no longer find a cure for her, but also, he can’t even use his rope spell to catch her should she float away.

    Since the night that Garlett escaped from her parents, they have demanded that two guardians always follow Garlett around wherever she go. Her life is a complicated ritual of disability. She and Fiest have never had a chance to be alone together. Their emotions have become stifled.

    Now, Fiest can no longer contribute at all, and Garlett decides it is time to let him find his own path in life, rather than sacrifice his future to care for a disabled girl that he barely knows.

    Heartbroken, Fiest considers talking to Arnon, but he sees that Arnon has replaced Fiest with Corbin.

    Fiest goes back to his room and withdraws into himself, wondering what exactly this ‘greater destiny’ that he was promised could be. Surely not this terrible situation.

    The humans appear to be winning the robot-building-race, when the human’s construction is suddenly struck by lightning. The robot explodes.

    Now, the entire city is aware that there was a robot being built by the university, and that another is going to be built in its place.

    With this secret revealed to Marp, he approaches his cult to demand that they allow him to use the university’s robots to stage a catastrophe so huge that the people of Sant Geist will be forced to rise up and make Marp their leader.

    His cult members betray him, and Marp is left alone to angrily troll the internet while the rest of the villains move on without him.

    Judor, who is in the middle of all of these Trakzi plots, starts to suffer from sleep deprivation. His tired mind starts to play tricks on him. He always sees Captain Velt everywhere, and, not knowing that Velt is simply working next door, starts to believe that fate is toying with him, and that Velt will one day recognize him from the night of the robbery and cause the walls of Judor’s life to crumble down.

    Judor’s paranoia leads him to go insane, until, eventually, he starts to believe that fate want him to become a masked vigilante super-hero.

    He loses his mind and starts performing good-deeds in a disguise, which results in him suffering internal guilt over the non-evil acts he has committed. They are crimes against Trakzi-nature.

    The day finally arrives when the humans are launching their robot. Arnon decides to resign his place as the pilot of the robot so that Corbin can pilot it in his place, and earn back the respect he lost.

    However, the Hearth Military informs them that neither of them were ever going to pilot the robot, and, instead, they put forward a pilot of their own.

    Arnon and his crew fly their hornet-themed vehicles away from the construction site in a tantrum and watch the launch from a distance.

    They see the human robot’s reveal, and then they see the Trakzi reveal their robot right next door; piloted by Worlax.

    The entire city panics – but neither of these robots move.

    Worlax, and the Human pilot, look out of their robots. They see their enemy’s robots, and they realise that while the humans have built a robot following Trakzi designs, the Trakzi have also built a robot following human designs.

    Now, in order for both robots to work, they must swap.

    The robot’s exchange hands.

    The fight begins again. But now, nobody knows who to flee from, or who to cheer for.

    Also, the two pilots simply walk around each other, taking swings but deliberately missing. Neither of them want to hurt the machine they’ve spent so long building.

    Corbin suddenly has an epiphany, and he leads Arnon’s crew into the Trakzi construction site to take over the control room.

    There, he communicates with the human pilot of the Trakzi robot, informing him that they know exactly which parts of the Trakzi piloted human robot are its weak-spots.

    With this knowledge, the humans have a resounding victory over the Trakzi.

    Then, the Zardam Two appears in the sky and crushes both robots with a single blow.

    Sant Geist has no protector.

    The city is doomed.

    Or is it?

    Arnon reveals to his crew that he has built his new version of The Hornet incorporating the treasure that they had found below.

    If they all press a button inside each of their four hornet-themed vehicles, something amazing will happen.

    The vehicles all begin to transform into the shapes of body parts. Two arms, and two legs.

    While The Hornet itself transforms into a torso and head.

    Then, these five body parts drop unceremoniously out of the sky and crash in a pile on the ground.

    Everyone is angry at Arnon. Did he really think the parts were just going to attach themselves together after they’d transformed? A stupid mistake.

    The city is doomed once more.

    Then, Fiest realizes that he is the only person who can do something.

    He climbs onto the prone torso of The Hornet and begins casting an epic rope spell.

    Garlett, who knows he will die if he casts the spell, leaps from her vehicle and tries to save his life, but all she can do is flail wildly in the air as she floats away.

    Her guardians save her, but it is too late.

    Fiest casts his spell, the black magic ropes shoot in four directions, and he pulls the body parts together, forming The Hornet into a whole.

    The Necron suddenly appears and floats around Fiest. He reveals that Fiest has reached his destiny – and the two wizards vanish in a massive explosion of black magic.

    The Hornet rises out of the black magic mist and charges toward the Zardam Two.

    The following fight is a long and epic struggle.

    During the battle, the Zardam Two attempts to pull out one of The Hornet’s arms - but a black magic spiral clings the arm into its socket.

    The Zardam Two seems to realise that magic is involved. A horrible stench fills the air, giving the Zardam Two immense powers.

    The Zardam Two easily conquers The Hornet using Trakzi magic, but The Hornet refuses to die. The black magic keeps it together, surviving blow after blow, and rising to its feet to continue fighting.

    In a final ditch effort to gain victory, both robots start to climb to the top of a building. Both intend to throw the other off the top.

    Suddenly, a masked-vigilante super-hero shows up and fires an explosive device between both robots.

    The building explodes, and both robots fall toward the city floor below.

    The Hornet splits back into its five vehicles, and they fly away to safety.

    The Zardam Two hits the ground hard. It breaks through the surface of Sant Geist to the catacombs below, causing a cataclysm of toppling buildings.

    An escape pod rises from the destruction, and O’ath Kurn escapes to fight another day.

    Judor, in disguise, has saved the city from the destruction of these two robots.

    Arnon and his crew go into hiding again. Arnon and Garlett wonder if Fiest is really dead, and hope that he may still be somewhere out there with The Necron.

    Now, the city is saved, and they all live happily ever after - as B’Orange Marp uses the battle between The Hornet and the Zardam Two as the ‘huge catastrophe’ that his plan needed, and he takes his rightful place upon the throne of T’zarn, ruling the people happily with an iron fist.

  19. Cave Troll

    Cave Troll It's Coffee O'clock everywhere. Contributor

    Aug 8, 2015
    Likes Received:
    Where cushions are comfy, and straps hold firm.
    I will need 5,000$ (US in cash). 2 beautiful women. And tenure.

    How will this help you get your book to the publisher, you may ask.

    How the hell would I know, I have tenure and am set for quite awhile. :p
  20. amerrigan

    amerrigan Active Member

    Oct 13, 2016
    Likes Received:
    Good call! Referencing Futurama in a comedy/sci-fi thread! Haha.
    Cave Troll likes this.

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