Getting beyond "Cute"

I would describe my stories as "cute." That is to say, as a general rule someone will be able to read it all the way through without forcing themselves and at some point the corners of their mouth will turn somewhat skyward. That makes it "just okay" at best. I read some of the critiques on this board and I think, "Are we reading the same story?" I have a friend who is a GREAT fiddle player. But, I don't like fiddle music. So, what I learned from him is that just because I don't like something doesn't mean that it isn't great. For example: "Oasis" by davidm https://www.writingforums.org/threads/november-2018-short-story-contest.159911/ was the winning story in the November short story contest. I have no clue what that story is about. What am I missing?

That being said, how do I generate more emotional involvement with the reader? Any suggestions, even wrong ones, would be helpful.

 

Yes, exactly! It also tends to make my characters seem two dimensional (or so I'm told), and... how do I get my kids to do what I tell them?

I tried a couple of times to un-wacky the process and it went over like the classic "Lead balloon"
https://www.writingforums.org/threads/the-death-of-joe.160740/
https://www.writingforums.org/threads/annabelles-release.160486/
https://www.writingforums.org/threads/to-be-a-man.159601/

 

I just read Annabelle's release. Cute is the exact word that comes to mind. From start to finish, I couldn't help but thinking that "cute" was what you were aiming for. Am I wrong in this? Were you striving for something else? If so, what?

 

Is "just okay" the opinion you're getting from readers? Or is it your own take on readers' response to what you write? Is it that you feel that something being "cute" is sub-par, that it'd be better if it was less "cute"?

 

I'm going to answer this without reading your work and then go back and read it and add an ETA so if I like the writing I'm not influenced by it in my answer.

Emotional impact comes from people. Plots are inanimate. Plot in and of itself does not have emotion. The things that happen to people, and the way the people handle them (or not) is where the emotion is. I'm using the term "people" loosely in place of the word "characters" to help you connect with it personally, but by "people" I mean any character with a human-like emotion. Could be an MC that's a dog, if he has real human-like emotions.

Dig deep, connect with the people, make those people connect with us as readers, and make us care about those people, and you're more than halfway there. I'll take a story with fully-formed characters with real emotions and a flimsy plot over an "excellent" plot with cardboard characters any day. I don't care about the plot if I don't care about the people. Make us care about the people.

So...Who do you know? Who do you love? What makes them special? What do you hate about them? Who gives you a sense of longing that you didn't get to know them better? What regrets do you have that they might have? Write that.

ETA: I read Annabelle's Release (the other link led to an error page). You almost get the emotion in there a couple of times, but then you pull back. You know those hugs where you really want to hug someone because you care about them, but you're kind of shy about it, so you hug them and then suddenly break it off because it's uncomfortable? I think that might be what you're doing. That's how it feels when I read the parts where you really start to get it. It also feels maybe a bit....rushed, like, "Whew! I wrote that emotional line....OK, movin' on!" I think you have to let them rest a little more. (I do all these things too, by the way. My edits almost always involve injecting more emotion.)

I think you just have to keep at it, and keep practicing. It's not easy, and it's uncomfortable, but it gets better. Writing when you're alone in the house helps, if there are other people who live with you. (Meanwhile, keep writing the "cute" stuff too. It's OK to write more than one thing.)

 

No, I wasn't going for cute. I was going for sympathetic, empathetic, reader involvement... and I only got cute... again. Yee Gods!

 

You may have hit on the problem exactly, I zeroed in all categories. Maybe cute is as good as I get....

 

I don't believe that for a second. It's in there, I promise. The fact that it matters to you proves it's in there. It "just" takes practice to bring it out. It's hard for me, too. I have scenes I've written over and over, and I know that feeling of frustration and of thinking you'll never get it. (My opening scene is currently revision #21, having been written this way, that way, and every which way because it wasn't connecting.) It'll click when you least expect it. Don't give up!

Maybe find some emotional scenes that got to you in books and break them down to see what those authors did to bring out the emotion. Much like music, I think the pacing is an important element in this. That was something that stood out to me in yours. It was a little too rushed in places. That's easily fixed with practice. The fact that the commenters here enjoy your "cute" writing shows you have the skills to do it. So, I repeat: don't give up.

 

You can be long-winded and folksy, not cute. Sometimes you are impervious, and bull-headed toward criticism. But I like and respect the way you keep throwing the darts and one dart in the 99 will hit the bull. Then you might do it again 6 months later. You need to draft a few of the diamonds and post them away to the magazines.

You had the 'emotional involvement' with the 'drowning puppies' - so you do 'have what it takes' - but you maybe take the wrong turns with the conclusions. I think that's only repetition/experience .

 

I think there’s more than cute in there, but there’s IMO not enough conflict for a story. So I’d call it a good scene/vignette.

 

I really don't think the tone of a story can really limit a character's' depth. It might make it more difficult because you can't really use the same emotional shorthand as you can when writing darker or more romantic stuff, but like anything with writing, it all comes down to practice and experience.

A sack of Sweet Valencia Oranges will do the trick. They don't leave a bruise and'll let them know who's boss.

 

Oh, I think that is VERY well said, Shenanigator.

I reckon, in short, what the OP might need to do is forget about his readership. Forget about 'how' he is saying things or how they will be taken. In other words, 'forget' he is a 'writer,' and simply dig in and write a story as if he were writing for himself.

This is, of course, exactly the opposite of what is needed when it comes to polishing a story. But if a writer is too self-conscious at the start of the writing process, they will pull back anything they feel might be too revealing, or too this, or too that. Writing becomes an easy path from A to B, but doesn't go much further than that.

I also heartily second Shenanigator's point that the solution to this dilemma isn't creating another cracking plot idea with a twist, etc. It's forging a deeper connection with what the characters experience. Perhaps you (the OP) could try discarding any idea that comes to you as you write. Then wait for the next idea instead. If a character is prone to wisecracks, stop. Make them say something serious instead. And see where that leads.

This doesn't mean you will end up with a depressingly heavy story. It just means the story will lose frivolity. Don't jump on the most obvious idea every time, and forget about making the clownish, cute impression you seem to be prone to. (According to what you've said on this thread, @exweedfarmer , about your own work.) Write more honestly, from the deepest core of you. What really matters to you? What are the people like whom you really love? Do you get the love in real life, from parents, family, friends, that you feel you need? Do you get the respect you want from colleagues? What do you sacrifice in order to get this respect or love? What is it like to achieve something you really wanted? How do you feel when a person you're attracted to seems to be attracted to you? And how do you feel when that first impression proves right? Or wrong? What does it really feel like to succeed at something? And the opposite.

Try to get away from the 'words' and writing techniques themselves and dig more deeply into what the words are trying to express. Force yourself into another writing mode. And feel secure in that nobody else is going to see what you write, unless you want them to.

 

@exweedfarmer I just read "Annabelle's Release," and I don't think it was just cute. I thought it was good. I thought the dad was very sympathetic.

This line:

“We weren't perfect parents. I swatted your backside sometimes when maybe you didn't deserve it, and I missed a school play and a soccer game or two and I wouldn't let you go out with that kid who had all the hardware installed in his face. Whatever we did that you're even still a little bit angry about from your childhood, let it go. Leave it behind. Anger will do you even less good in the future than calculus.”

Seems like some kinda pivot point for me where I decide how I feel about the piece. Because the dad says so much, I think I want something more from the daughter's reaction, or a hint of something different. If it were cut down to just "we weren't perfect," and then he can't finish, leaving the rest unsaid, it might give it a very different feel, but somehow I feel like less here would make it work better with the daughter's reaction.

Anyway, I liked the piece. My main point is that the line I quoted above gets under my skin, and I feel like you could do a lot of different things with the whole story, just by messing with this line.

 

Everybody had great advice! I agree with all of the above it was well said. I just wanted to add that what works for me when it comes to bringing out emotional scenes, is treating it the opposite of an action scene. Slow it down!
Make sure you focus on all the little gestures, thoughts, expressions, movements. Also I keep rewriting it until I get the perfect balance. Some chapters, especially the more emotional ones, I have written many times over adding and subtracting, but it pays off in the end. Keep trying!

 

@exweedfarmer


@jannert mentioned writing from your core. I think this might help you do what most writers should be doing even if what they're writing is a total lie.

"Struggle" can be depicted in numerous ways, subtle or direct, but I think it helps if it's there. I often like to compare and contrast Hemingway and Nabokov when talking about writing because I love both their styles even though they're so different.

Nabokov writes with a manic and sometimes almost sexual tension (imo) whereas Hemingway is more cold, but the tension is still there in every sentence and and also across sentences.


I didn't get this I'm Annabelle's release. In terms of sentence by sentence, delivering that tension is something I assume we all want to improve at constantly and probably largely has to do with word smithing, but building tension across sentences is imo a story building skill and certainly one you might consider focusing on.

Imo, you continuously short the tension that could be running across your sentences by completely killing whatever buildup you might have before the last period. For example,

Annabelle asks if dads gonna kick her out of the nest. Next sentence or so dad tells us no.

Imagine the think that would have existed throughout the story if you had written this going into it thinking that the girl is afraid dads gonna kick her out but is scared to find out and the reader isn't sure if that's going to happen till the end. That's tension. Obviously this is an example, but if every question is answered as soon as it arrives, you're left with cute.

 

This. Also, if you don't already, @exweedfarmer , maybe start writing a journal, focusing on your feelings about events, people, your past, your wishes and wants, things that happen to you, others...Life, in other words, but from the perspective of how you feel about them as opposed to just reporting the events. I think it may help you dig deeper when you write other things.

I don't know where this number came from, but I was taught that to get the brain to relax and get to the good stuff takes twenty minutes of handwriting. It's also the amount of time suggested for meditation, so there may be something to it? I usually try for 25-30, to allow for the inevitable "Damn, the dog wants out"/"I forgot my water"/"I don't like this pen" and other procrastination tricks the mind tends to play.

Thanks, @jannert. )

 

An excellent observation, in my opinion. Yeah. That might be a concrete thing to work on. If a character is wondering about something, don't let them find out the conclusion right away? Certainly is workable, at least in some cases.

 

I think the problem with the story you linked is there is not a lot of conflict or much going on. Also, we don't really get a sense of any consequences this little talk may have on either of them moving forward. Everyone in the story is just okay and stays just okay. The characters aren't really developed. They could be anyone, which doesn't do much in terms of making readers feel for them or remember them. You might want to start by fleshing out your characters. Give them back stories and issues. Maybe the dad's an alcoholic and his wife left him. Maybe the daughter is pregnant and has an abortion scheduled for the next day. I'm not saying to use those examples, but they would add layers to this story whereas now you don't really have that. I would also have something going on at the house so it's not just two people talking in a blank setting. Maybe there are painters or movers. Maybe the mother didn't leave and she comes home from another shopping trip, adding to a progressive hoarding situation. What you have isn't bad, but it's not quite a story yet. I think you can get it there, but I do see what you're saying. It's sort of a cute, little anecdote rather than a story. Also, 18, in my opinion, is a little young for a parent to just say I'm done and good luck with your life. That's just my thought. Good luck with it.

 

Great advice all. Conflict, tension, emotion (that's going to be a trick.) I wish I would have posted this thread two years ago! First draft of something un-cute is finished but I'm going to let it simmer a few days before posting. Please check back. Working title "The Death of Joe."

 

The vote is in, Cute Sucks. People would rather cry than laugh. My latest de-cuted story The Death of Joe has gotten five responses and all of them more or less positive. Now the question is, "To Cute or not to Cute?" whether it is nobler in the mind to....

 

That depends a lot on the demographics of whom your asking. I wouldn't call one vote here a definitive demographic sample of anything. That sort of polling should be done of potential readers, not writers, because the market is readers.

That said, I think it's great that you want to stretch your repertoire. I think it will make all of your writing even better. No need to put yourself down about wanting to stretch and learn a new skill.

 

I didn't even realize there was a vote.