There is a lot I would love to say. The past 24 hours have been great to say the least, all of it leading to me finally taking a change in the deep end. This'll be long, but if I will introduce myself here, I might as well do so with a bang! Today I binge watched an anime, Your Lie in April. A touching show about music and tragedy, it did not just bring about my love in music, but it is helping me bring out even greater changes, I feel. As I write this I am listening to a song, (That's the song <--) I would love you all to listen to this spectacular beauty as you read this. A wonderful song, but it does even more for me. It feels as though it is what I am feeling the moment I write this. I am full of hope. I am no one special, and I am fine with that. I was born nineteen years ago, in those years i experienced tragedy for myself, went through the hell of bullying and depression, even rape. I want to note, that may sound like an introduction to a story of sorrow, but it is far from it. As I write these words, relive the memories of torture in my head, I smile. I am smiling through all of this. So here is who I am: As said, I am nineteen years old. Born in the beautiful month of April. I say beautiful, but I abhor it due to my absolute terror of bee's and wasps. Anyways, I grew up the majority of my life with only my single mother to help me. I actually also had a twin sister and an older sister. However I stood out from the rest of my family. It took a while to figure it out, but eventually we discovered that the reason I would act out is due to being born with Autism. Asperger's actually, and now we are looking into even potentially being diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD. I was depressed until only thirty minutes ago with everything piled on top of me. I did not see myself as a person, I saw myself as someone who hurts, in constant pain, both memories and current life. I am over 350 lbs at only nineteen years old. However that won't stop me from change. All of this change started as I walked outside at 3:30 am this morning. Staying up late. At 9:00 pm yesterday I finished the anime Your Lie in April. I felt hopeful, revived with my love of music. But it actually did so much more. As I was outside I let my imagination move, I had a 6 foot long pipe, made out of plastic, pretty bendy to say the least. I used it as a tool to let my imagination flow, act like I was in some kind of combat scene. Play out the childhood I hardly could due to depression, anger, anxiety, autism and yes, even rape. I stopped, I looked up at the big Montana sky. The smoke from the nearby fire having cleared out as the night's cool air slowed down the raging inferno. I saw a shooting star. The sky was empty, nothing but stars. I couldn't help but smile. I love astronomy, I understand scale, I know how small I am, but at the same time I couldn't help but think of a quote from a video I have recently seen. I thought to myself, "I may be small. But I am alive, I am large. I am a small part of a vast nervous system that is part of all of existence. I am part of the collective consciousness that is the Universe. But yet I am myself, I think for myself. I am free. I have a consciousness of my own, and whether there is a god or not, that consciousness that is I, will exist for eternity." Me bringing up god, that is rare for me. I am not religious, I actually despise god as any religion views him. However I can't help but feel comfort in the concept of a god. I then had thought to myself, "God if you are out there. Help me, break me out of the chains of my addiction. Food. Gaming. I don't want to be lonely. I don't want to be depressed anymore." Is this bringing faith to me? "No, I am not depressed." I had decided I would no longer be depressed. I will break from my addiction. "Whether you are there or not god, it doesn't matter. Help would be nice. A sign of your existence would be the greatest thing I could ask for. I could be talking to myself for all I know... And that would be fine. If I die tomorrow I will be okay. I feel okay, I feel hopeful. I can be who I want to be, this consciousness is my own. This is my life to live, I will improve myself. Nothing will bind me, not even my own bodies cravings can hold me down, never again will they hold me down. I would be a fool to say that I will never crave, that it will be easy. But I have been through hell. It is okay. I will get through this, addiction, depression and my regret." Regret, the strongest emotion I feel. I have a philosophy of moving on, becoming better. However I cannot heed me own advice. I will regret. However that is fine. Regret is now a part of me, but I will use that regret to fix my mistakes, not feed into my depression which will spiral myself into more regret. This is my moment to shine to become who I am meant to be. No, I am not meant to be anything--- I am moving to be who I want to be, not what anyone says I should be, and not for anyone but myself. I can finally say the truth about myself- my new self. I love myself. How I have become, I love the adversity I have faced, every moment of despair has made me who I am, has improved myself. I love those who care for me. I will be okay. Even better: I will become healthy, kinder, smarter. And most importantly, I will become someone I can be proud of. No- I am healthy. I am kind. I am smart. I am proud of what I have done, who I have become and who I will become. I am proud of myself. Do I believe in god? That was my last question. Whether the conversation was with myself, or with god doesn't matter. This did not change my faith. I am an agnostic who doesn't care about his existence. I care about the present and do what I can to be a good person. I don't need faith. Would I like it if he helped me? DAMN RIGHT I WOULD. But it's okay, I am fine without the help. I have friends and family to support me. This may have a lot of cliche's. You may call this story of mine to be false, or at the very least dramatized. I don't blame you, I realized that there are cliche's in there, it does seem dramatized. But it was true, all of it. This is what I thought. My neck began to hurt from looking at the sky for so long. Seeing the dim outline of the Milky Way, the light not too bright so it outshone anything, but still too bright to get a good view. But I knew the Milky Way was there. Our galaxy, our home. My home. It is a sign of hope for me. I used to be scared of the dark, the night. But now I take comfort in it. I came here after my talk because I needed to write about it. I have stories I want to tell, to touch people with and bring to light. I have come to these forums to show myself to the world, show who I really am and help myself become who I am. I love writing, it is not going to be my career. I mean I would love to someday write a book. But l am here to write about myself, a bit egotistical yes, but I am a changed man today. This is where I change, and I want to document my change, my journey from the beginning, the pain and suffering. The good times and the bad. 7/29/2017. This is the first day of the rest of my life. Once again, it may seem over dramatic, but I am being as honest as I can with my experience. This is not a melodrama. It's my life. I want to thank everyone that has read this. I will not be rewriting my work. This is my first and only draft of this piece of writing. I feel this is where my story is in it's purest form, the most honest it can be. This may seem rushed, scattered. But I will never change or delete what I have written. I can't wait to write for you all even more. I will be writing again soon. Thank you all for being here for me to share my world with.
Welome sir/sirette. This is the forums guide to let you get started here. https://www.writingforums.org/threads/new-member-quick-start-guide.132102/ Good luck with your works.
Welome sir/sirette. This is the forums guide to let you get started here. https://www.writingforums.org/threads/new-member-quick-start-guide.132102/ Good luck with your works. View attachment 11030
