1. Stained Red

    Stained Red Member

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    Help me figure out the sexuality of my MC (Erotic Fiction) *Sensative*

    Discussion in 'Character Development' started by Stained Red, Nov 30, 2016.

    I'm in the middle of writting a story about a young pornographic photographer who wishes that she could do something else with her talents, but is afraid of leaving a good thing for the unknown. She is a creative and expressive person. She is a virgin and is completely fine being one. All of her art (photography, paintings, sculptures etc.) is erotic seeing as this is the industry that she works in and which she has made her living. But she has no interest in partaking is sex. (She is more of a romantasist) holding hands, kissing, cuddling, but not sex. Now, she does enjoy watching others have sex and she does masterbate, but the thought of someone else touching her is a turn off. This is because when she was growing up she was molested by her "uncle" (Not her real uncle, but a family friend) and whenever another man touches her she becomes revulted and uncomfortable.

    I've been searching all day but there is a ridiculous about of sexual orientations and I can't pin point one that defines her the best, please help.

    To explain further, she meets a vampire (Couldn't help myself) that finds her attractive and wants to love her and have sex with her, and she finds herself wanting the same from him, and together they help her get through her problems, but she doesn't want to let anyone get too close or to fall in love.

    I hope my explaination is clear enough, my thoughts were all over the place with this one.

    To clarify:
    • She likes sex, but does not NEED it.
    • She does masterbate, but having someone else touch her is different.
    • She is still capable of love and sexual desire.
    • She is more of a romantasist.
    • She fears love and intimacy, because she believes it leads to sex.
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2016
  2. Simpson17866

    Simpson17866 Contributor Contributor

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    As an asexual/aromantic virgin who used to spend a lot of time on the main asexuals' forum, is it possible that "demisexual" is the word you're looking for?

    EDIT: just caught the bit about backstory in the OP, and now I'm not thinking this is even about orientation in the first place. What you're talking about would happen for rape survivors of any combination of sexual and romantic orientation.
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2016
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  3. Mikmaxs

    Mikmaxs Senior Member

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    As was said above, the term "Demisexual" seems to fit, though I'm not sure if it's completely accurate given your description. It sounds like she has no problem with being attracted to people, but rather specifically sounds turned off by sex, so...
    Romantic demisexual, I guess? I'm not great with terminology.
     
  4. Infel

    Infel Contributor Contributor

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    So she's a completely normal human female who is a little bit nervous about having sex because of past trauma? Sounds done and done to me.
     
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  5. Simpson17866

    Simpson17866 Contributor Contributor

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    That's actually the definition ;) Both your sexual and romantic orientations are hetero-/homo-/bi-/... instead of a–, so you might be heterosexual heteroromantic, you might be homosexual biromantic, you might be bisexual biromantic, any of the combinations that don't have you physically attracted to a gender that you're not emotionally attracted to (bisexual homoromantic is out, for example).

    The point of demisexual is that your romantic orientation comes first: if you're not emotionally attracted to a specific person, then you're not going to feel sexual attraction.

    More directly relevant to the OP, this.
     
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  6. izzybot

    izzybot Transhuman Autophage Contributor

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    Is not being interesting in sex something that changes or, at the end of the story, is she 'fixed' and genuinely wants to have sex with the vampire and is no longer uncomfortable about it? Sorry, just kind of getting mixed signals from the op, not sure exactly what you're describing.

    Consider this: she might be ace (asexual) and have no sex drive, but be sex-repulsed as well - separately - as a result of the trauma. Through the story she works through the issues resulting in her sex-repulsion and while she still has no sex drive, she can pursue relationships she thinks will lead to sex / actually have sex without it bothering her (it's just not something she'd ever really instigate herself).

    The thing I want to avoid here is you calling her ace but having the relationship 'fix' her asexuality. It's a bit of a nasty trope. Think 'frigid bitch who just needs a man to soften her up'. Right? If you decide she's ace, she needs to be ace - which is an inherent part of her and not something to be changed by a relationship.

    As others have pointed out, she could be demi (can become sexually interested in someone after forming an emotional attachment), or she could just be sex-repulsed as a result of trauma and it's nothing to do with her orientation at all. Or both, or the latter + ace as I laid out. It depends on what you're going for, exactly.
     
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  7. Sal Boxford

    Sal Boxford Senior Member

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    Does she need a label? Can't you just describe her behaviour and her feelings and leave it at that? I've pondered the label thing for years. Never found anything satisfactory so decided not to bother. Why should I spend my time trying to find an answer to have ready should anyone ever ask 'what I am'? (Although I do feel weird ticking 'other' on equal opportunities forms. Makes me worry people think I'm into marine life or something.)
     
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  8. Infel

    Infel Contributor Contributor

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  9. Simpson17866

    Simpson17866 Contributor Contributor

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    If a single word not being a perfect explanation of a concept were reason enough to scrap the word, then there wouldn't be any words left.

    I didn't know that I was asexual/aromantic when I was a 12-year-old who hadn't heard the words "asexual" or "aromantic," I thought I was a psychologically broken for missing out on an urge that made people fundamentally human, as axiomatic as eating or breathing or feeling pain.

    It's not possible to respect differences when you don't know that the differences exist. When there are no official labels, the only two unofficial labels are "correct" and "incorrect." How is a penguin supposed to accept himself for breathing air when he's been raised by fish for so long that he doesn't even know the words for "breathing underwater"? That it's never even occurred to him that there could be words for "breathing underwater"? That "air" is even a thing for there to be a word for, let alone knowing what the word is?

    How is anybody else supposed to?
     
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  10. Sal Boxford

    Sal Boxford Senior Member

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    @Simpson17866 I didn't mean to offend. I didn't say people shouldn't adopt labels, and @Stained Red can take that approach if she wants to. I offered my perspective (as someone with an incredibly similar background to her MC). I've found no benefit in labels. On the contrary, I've caused myself a lot of hurt and upset trying to find one that fits. And all because I feel other people expect me to explain myself. I'm done with that. I refuse to do it.

    I'm really pleased identifying as asexual is helpful to you; maybe it would be for the MC.
     
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  11. Simpson17866

    Simpson17866 Contributor Contributor

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    No offense taken.

    I'm actually under the impression that "non-heterosexual orientation is caused by sexual trauma" is one of the more damaging cliches out there.

    Oh. I am so sorry to hear that.
     
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  12. antlad

    antlad Banned

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    Has she struggled with weight since being molested young?

    Labels are for those that don't want to change.
    Labels are for those that only want to define a sliver of themselves.
    Ultimately, labels are for those that like to cover who they are.
     
  13. izzybot

    izzybot Transhuman Autophage Contributor

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    This exactly. It's especially common for lesbians and ace people. Meanwhile the sad reality is that these are groups more likely to experience sexual trauma as a result of being open about their orientations, far from the other way around.

    Well that's just silly. They're just descriptions. I can define myself as a brunette without saying it'll never change, it's all I am, or trying to cover who I am. What's the difference?

    At any rate, I'm under the impression that the op was looking for a label.
     
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  14. antlad

    antlad Banned

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    The problem with trying to label a sexuality....is exactly what the OP has stated.
    Most of the labels are relatively new.
    How many actually know what the word means? At 50 years old, am I expected to put down a book to look up what a word means, only to find out it is some niche sexuality? And then am I supposed to pick up the book and read again?

    For most people in this world (no matter what social media tells you), it is pretty simple:
    Straight
    Gay
    Everything else falls into one of those two and becomes a sub-set.

    Unless you are writing a niche book for a niche group, keep it simple and just describe and let the reader decide 'what' the MC is.
     
  15. Simpson17866

    Simpson17866 Contributor Contributor

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    What about me? Am I "a kind of straight" or "a kind of gay"?
     
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  16. antlad

    antlad Banned

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    hahah well, according to most in society (those who will label you), what do you think?

    A guy will ask 1 question before deciding.

    For most older than a millennial, the situation is black and white, as I am sure you know.
     
  17. izzybot

    izzybot Transhuman Autophage Contributor

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    Honestly? I don't care what you do. But there are people in your age group and older to whom these labels apply. There have been previous pushes to expand our vocabularies, though the labels have changed over time. Your age is irrelevant. This isn't new.

    My mom is a straight woman about your age, actually, and she has no problem with learning new things. Really not an age thing.

    Not really. Bi and ace people aren't subsets. If it helps, think of gay and straight as two options, while bi and ace are respectively 'both' and 'neither'. It doesn't make sense to consider them subsets when they are definitionally different. Might as well consider gay and straight to be the same thing.

    You know social media is just people, right? It's just people talking about their experiences. It's not invalid because it's "what social media says".

    Here's the thing: most people don't have the word 'asexual' in their vocab to decide on. Not labelling your characters is fine, but very few readers are going to be able to decide a character is ace if the narrative doesn't tell them. If I have a female character who only expresses interest in other women, most folks are going to be able to go "ah right, she's a lesbian," but this isn't the case for ace characters.

    If @Stained Red ultimately doesn't want to label the mc, cool, but writing her as ace only implicitly isn't going to result in people deciding that she's ace - because the main social perspective if ace people is that they're 'broken' or just weirdos or even that they're selfish or (if you're dramatic) soulless. For groups like this, I personally think it's important to utilize labels so that people don't have to be told they're 'broken'.

    More on point - again - I believe the op was literally asking for a label, whether they intend to write for a niche group or not. I'd prefer to not derail further.
     
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  18. Stained Red

    Stained Red Member

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    Oh my. My apologies I did not mean to start anything. I appreciate all of the answers, and just to clarify I wasn't looking to write to any niche, I just like to know my characters so that when I write about them I don't stray from their personalities and character and I wanted to educate myself of her sexuality (Even though I sort of just made it up) I knew there was something like it out there.
     
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  19. izzybot

    izzybot Transhuman Autophage Contributor

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    At least you've got plenty of options ;)
     
  20. BayView

    BayView Huh. Interesting. Contributor

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    What term is it that you wouldn't recognize? Demisexual, or asexual? I think demi's a bit new/obscure, but asexual has been around for quite a while and even if you hadn't heard it before you wouldn't need to look it up in order to understand it, surely... you know the prefix "a", you know the meaning of "sexual" - you're done!

    And honestly, is 50 really that old? I admit, I'm not there yet, but... I don't think I'll be past learning new things by that age.
     
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  21. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    On the OP I think you might have introduced some contradiction in your character description. If someone is traumatised after abuse and doesnt like to be touched , the chances that they'll enjoy romantic activity like kissing and cuddling is minimal. I'd also agree that it is best not to suggest that this trauma has caused their sexuality.

    As I understand it someone who is asexual is not attracted to men or women - this is different from someone who's either hetero, homo or bi who is unable to have sex or acknowledge sexual feelings due to past trauma.
     
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  22. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    I'd have said that this is over simplistic , if we must classify (and as i said last time this I tend to see people as people, I don't classify them by what they do or don't do with a consenting adult in private) I'd suggest that you are looking at four basic "categories" not two

    Hetero - attracted to the opposite sex
    Homo - attracted to their own sex
    Bi - attracted to both sexes
    A- not attracted to either sex

    It is also important to remember that any of these categories only applies sometimes - just because i'm Hetero it doesn't follow that i'm attracted to every woman I meet nor that I'm always interested in sex at all (which is where labels start to fall down)
     

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