Okay, so I'm writing this side-story which serves as a supplement to my main one. I'm writing this to get a feel for one of my characters, who stars in this story, as well as make sure I don't burn out when writing the main story. That's beside the point though. The point is that, this story is about the main character, Ryker Cooper, who is basically 'possessed' by the main antagonist, a monster who goes by his official title of 'The Shadow Man.' Ryker also has his one name for him, created when he was much younger, which is 'Mr. Midnight.' Both of these names are subject to change, but they aren't the focus of this post. So, Ryker meets a man who calls himself Hunter. He claims that he is sort of like the Shadow Man's other half, someone who shares a life force with the Shadow Man. He says that, if one of them die, so does the other. The catch? Hunter is immortal. Nothing he can do will kill him. The Shadow Man can die, however. He has an ability that allows him to infect someone (He's currently infecting Ryker, and has been for some time now.), and then, if the infected makes a certain sigil at the place where the Shadow Man was born, he will absorb the infected into himself, which is his only way to survive. It's not elaborated into how often he has to do this, but he can only infect one person at a time, and Ryker's been infected since he was a small child. The catch of the ability is that the sigil can also force the Shadow Man to absorb himself and not the infected, so long as he is inside of the sigil when it's finished. This will basically cause the Shadow Man to absorb himself, but this will turn him into something to be absorbed, but then there's nowhere for him to go to be absorbed, so he won't be absorbed. His essence would just sort of scatter across the world, making him irreparable. Hunter intends to have Ryker, as the infected, trick the Shadow Man into the sigil and kill him. What's the twist? Hunter is the Shadow Man, and he's trying to trick Ryker into creating the sigil and get absorbed. This is revealed at the end of the story, and I want to make sure that it doesn't just come out of nowhere. Okay, I'll start by listing all of the abilities that the Shadow Man, who I'll just call Hunter from now on, has. First, he can infect one person at a time. If that person draws a sigil at his birth place, he can absorb that person and extend his life. Second, he can manipulate the infected's mind, depending on how mentally strong his target is (Note here, Hunter actually preps Ryker for having a weak mind by making him constantly react to him, causing the people around him to believe he's crazy and send him to a mental asylum. He then waited for a while while Ryker's mental strength deteriorated.). Third, he can teleport to any point within a mile-long vicinity of the infected. Fourth, while there is an infected, that infected is the only person that can see him. Fifth, in order to infect someone, Hunter has to sneak up on them and touch their head while they're asleep. The infected will then see him in their dream that night. If they had no dream that night, then they would immediately wake up. Sixth, he can appear in the infected's dreams at will. Seventh, the Shadow Man can read the thoughts of the infected, so long as the infected isn't actively aware of his presence. Note: Hunter lies to Ryker and tells him that the Shadow Man can completely take over his mind of he gets too close. This is to push Ryker to making the sigil. He's also basically forced to tell Ryker the truth about the other abilities or else everything else Ryker's seen so far wouldn't make sense. Basically, Hunter uses these abilities to misdirect his infected into creating the sigil and getting absorbed. He does this with Ryker: constantly keeping him on edge; making him fear strangers so he wouldn't ask for help; and appearing as the Shadow Man to make Ryker keep going, even if he wants to stop. Eventually, Ryker starts to suspect that Hunter isn't being completely honest, due to him growing mentally stronger throughout his journey to Hunter's birthplace, but he never questions it because he's being chased by a monster. Ryker gets suspicious because Hunter only ever appears to him whenever 'the Shadow Man' is near. He's also shockingly good at guessing what Ryker is feeling, and is very good at saying exactly what Ryker needs to hear at any given moment. Hunter can read these thoughts, so he backs off with these skills, and starts appearing more whenever 'the Shadow Man' isn't around. This only further serves to make Ryker more suspicious. But, he doesn't press the issue as he's running from a monster right then. At the end of the story, Hunter calls the Shadow Man 'Mr. Midnight,' which is Ryker's name for him, as encouragement for finishing the sigil. This is revealing because Ryker has never once said that name out loud to Hunter, because he was embarrassed about how childish it is, and Hunter as admitted to not reading Ryker's asylum files, so he shouldn't know about Ryker's naming him 'Mr. Midnight.' At that point, it all clicks and he finally understands everything that bothered him about Hunter. They're the same person, and he's been caught in Hunter's trap. Sorry that this was long, but setting up a story-redefining plot twist and revealing it at the end of that story requires a lot of setup. So, I'm wondering what you guys feel about this. Is that enough setup for that twist? Having Hunter accidentally dropping hints that his abilities are surprisingly similar to the Shadow Man's, and then him saying something that he should have no knowledge of, unless he's the Shadow Man? There's also Hunter's insistence that Ryker do the thing that would kill him, but differently so that it'll kill the Shadow Man instead? Thanks for the feedback!
Why does knowing Mr. Midnights pet name reveal their identities? Isn’t it more likely that Hunter is involved with someone from the asylum who told him? Why does Hunter tell him the sigil does something so related? Sorry if I missed it, but if it were me, I’d make the sigil if someone told me it would make a hot cup of coffee.
With regards to the first, that's a fair point. Within the story, Hunter tells Ryker that he's never read Ryker's asylum file, and pretty much only knows his name. That in itself is supposed to be the first clue that Hunter knows more than he should because, if he hasn't read the file, how does he know Ryker's name? It's implied that Hunter doesn't know anyone at the asylum, either. I admit that it's a bit of a forced reason, but I can't think of a better reason for Ryker to learn the truth at the end. As to the second, that's a good point. I'm not really sure why I have Hunter tell the infected about the sigil killing them. I mentioned that Ryker's seen all of the other abilities in action, so Hunter's forced to tell the truth about them, but that one's an exception. Ryker's never seen it, so he could probably just lie about what the sigil does. I think it'll work if Hunter only says that the sigil can kill the Shadow Man, and leaves out Ryker's death in the equation. Then he'd reveal Ryker's death as a sort of victory lap at the end.
Fore-shadow the twist ending. It sounds quite complicated and I had to read this small synopsis twice just to fully understand your plot enough to answer, so with such a heavy plot you may not want a twist ending. You want your reader to be satisfied, you want to make promises to the reader and make sure you deliver. To me, Hunter, sounded like the most interesting character who I would want to read about. But the only way I could advice you not to have a shock ending is to find ways to fore-shadow the ending.
I like it. My only problem is Hunter's 'motivation for helping' seems odd. He wants to help someone kill his other half, thus killing him. Unless he's been around forever that would immediately raise some red flags.
This sounds like a cool idea, I'd read it! I agree with the others it's important not to overcomplicate it where you don't have to - for example couldn't Ryker have never told anyone, even at the asylum, about the name Mr Midnight so that there is no possible way Hunter could know it without being in his head? I think if I was reading it and all you have to go on is Hunter's word that he doesn't have any contact with the asylum I would think there was some shady conspiracy going on there (which is fine if that's what you're going for - maybe Ryker suspects Hunter of working against him or keeping tabs on him but not neccessarily that he's the shadow man?). I also think you'd have to have a really strong reason Ryker trusts Hunter in the first place, because if you're already facing off against a monster and another entity conveniently turns up and doesn't help all that much I'd be pretty suspicious. I don't think there's anything wrong with plot twists if they're well executed. I agree it needs some foreshadowing not to seem cheap, but I am always disappointed if it's too obvious too. Sometimes foreshadowing seems like it's setting up a red herring but then turns out to be the actual twist, which can feel very anti-climactic.
Yeah you'd have to be careful how you handle that - you could always go the Dragon Heart route [SPOILER ALERT] and he could claim he is prepared to die to end the Shadow Man's tyranny but needs a human to help him do the deed? I love that film....
