1. CGB

    CGB Active Member

    May 15, 2014
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    Help with eye/gaze description

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by CGB, May 2, 2016.

    POV is "Manning" and the whole point of the paragraph is just to highlight that the guy ("Cannon") just has the look of a cold-blooded killer. This scene is taking place in an interrogation room, just as Cannon is allowed to enter alone while Manning is sitting there. Can you help me improve this?

    Cannon’s eyes were the deep blue color of frostbite, unblinking and unmoving in their appraisal. They bore into him with cold, unblinking menace. Like the hunter in a lion’s den, Manning could feel very acutely that he was in an enclosed room with an exceptionally dangerous man.
  2. IHaveNoName

    IHaveNoName Senior Member Community Volunteer

    Mar 15, 2016
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    There's a lot redundancy here, and you're doing a bit of telling instead of showing.

    Cannon’s eyes were the deep blue of winter ice; his unblinking gaze seemed to bore into Manning's very soul. Manning felt a chill run down his spine and he broke eye contact first, cursing himself for showing weakness before this man.
    CGB and Steerpike like this.
  3. Steerpike

    Steerpike Felis amatus Contributor

    Jul 5, 2010
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    California, US
    Instead of "Manning felt a chill run down his spine," why not just say "A chill ran down Manning's spine."
    NiallRoach and CGB like this.

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