I'm struggling a little with a description of one of my characters. This is an urban fantasy that involves gods, angels, and other entities. In this passage, Artemis is meeting with the angel Gavril just before a rebellion breaks out in the heavens. Thoughts? Too wordy? Cheesy? Good? Bad? “Did you get it?” a voice called from behind him. Gavril started, then turned as a woman stepped from the shadows, gliding gracefully toward him in a regal and unharried manner. As was befitting an exalted figurehead, Artemis arrived in full splendor, robed in the finery of her station. Bejeweled in strings of pearls, she wore a simple dress of pleated linen draped elegantly over her body. Clasps of gold pinned the garment at her shoulders, while the many rings and bangles she wore clinked musically with the sway of her arms. The setting star, Veix, hovered directly behind her, its golden light casting a suggestive silhouette through the sheer fabric of her gown, the narrowing of her waist and the fullness of her breasts and hips leaving very little to the imagination. He didn’t know how she did it. Even amidst a rebellion, the goddess was flawless. Artemis caught Gavril watching at her and smirked at the flush in his cheeks. “Eyes to yourself, angel. These goods aren’t for you.” Gavril cleared his throat, embarrassed to have been caught staring. “Shouldn’t you be wearing something a bit more… sensible?” “Like what? Tell me, Gavril, what does someone like myself wear to one of these things? I’ve not participated in a rebellion before.”
It depends on how accurate you're going for with naming her Artemis. Artemis is the goddess of the hunt in Greek mythology, so she's often depicted with a bow and wearing fairly ... sensible clothing. Stuff one wears to hunt in, I gather. If you're going for a softer version of her, then I suppose what you've got is fine, but I don't really know the context of how you've presented her rings true to someone about to go into battle. It seems it'd be difficult to fight wearing bangles and many rings, especially since she needs her arms and fingers to wield her weapon of choice. I feel like some sort of armor would be more appropriate? Unless this is the peace talks before the fight happens they're going to. Then I think the finery would work. Hope this helps.
Yes, those are great questions and observations. The attire I picked for her is important for what happens next in the scene. But you pointed out something else. Gavril shouldn’t have been surprised. He’d know the plan. Need to reword that. Thank you.
With all due respect, this doesn't sound like Artemis at all to me. Besides being Goddess of the Hunt, she was also a Virgin Goddess. She had no interest in men whatsoever and even made Zeus promise she never had to marry and that she would remain untouched. There are also stories of how she treated men who ogled her. One she turned into a deer and he was then brutally killed by his own hunting dogs. Therefore she'd most likely never play the role of temptress as it seems here. Her reaction to the angel looking is also weird in the context of her mythological persona. In fact, I would have guessed this was describing Aphrodite rather than Artemis. Just my five cents.
Thank you. Yes, this was done intentionally and makes sense in the context of the story. This is being told from the POV of the gods in an alternate reality/mythology sort of way.
I think it's a pretty well done section. I would hint that what he sees is just a fraction of her splendor. She could say this in some way. "You have not even seen my final form!"( haha!) If a man really saw the embodiment of her chaste perfection, the longing would burn through his sockets, his brain, and leave two smoking holes in the back of his skull.
