Help with this sentence.

The sentence in question is from a query letter. while it carries the info, it feels a bit off.

Danny drew the line at drugging and raping fourteen-year-old girls and despite his effort to disarm him, the gun went off, fatally wounding coke-dealer Eddie.

Or this:

Danny drew the line at drugging and raping fourteen-year-old girls. Despite his effort to disarm him, celebrity coke-dealer, Eddie Teller is fatally wounded when the gun goes off.

 

Without context it sounds in each version like Danny is making an effort to disarm himself. Apparently one of the he's refers to someone else, but without knowing the sentences that come before I can't tell.

Maybe 'Trying to disarm the coke dealer, Danny accidentally shot him instead.' Or add in the coke dealer's name, though that almost adds too much info to the sentence.

It also sounds like Danny will drug and rape 14-year-old girls, but won't go any farther than that. I suspect you mean he doesn't mind if someone else drugs and rapes 14-year-old girls, but won't allow them any more leeway than that. Which still seems kind of weird. Really, he has no problem with the guy doing that?

 

Okay, will make some changes.

Danny’s stops celebrity coke-dealer, Eddie Teller raping a fourteen-year-old girl. They fight, Eddie pulls a gun which, as they wrestle, goes off, fatally wounding Eddie.

 

That works much better. I don't think you meant to put the 's after Danny, it isn't needed, and I would remove the comma after coke dealer. I'd also remove the hyphen, that doesn't seem right to me. Just coke dealer works.

The comma after fight should either be a period or an and.

 

My two cents worth.

When Danny stops celebrity coke-dealer Eddie Teller from raping a fourteen year old girl, Eddie pulls a gun. In the ensuing fight, the gun fires, fatally wounding Eddie.

Coke dealer Eddie Teller's attempt to rape a fourteen-year-old girl at gunpoint is foiled when Danny attacks him. During the fight, the gun fires, fatally wounding Eddie.

 

I vote for the former.

In the second, I don't like the word "attacks" for a savior intervening to stop a rape. Also, guns don't fire by themselves.

 

Yeah, that slightly bothers me as well. I would say the gun goes off or something.

And I can see where 'draws the line at' can mean draws the line before. For some reason I read it as 'draws the line after', as if everything up to the line is fine but beyond it is no-go. But I guess it does mean before.

 

So this is where I am with this.

Danny stops celebrity coke-dealer, Eddie Teller raping a fourteen-year-old girl. During the fight the gun which Eddie pulls goes off, fatally wounding him.

 

I approve this message completely!

 

Good luck with your submission, Frances. I hope every single place you query sends a request for the full manuscript.

Explain to me the difference between a gun firing and going off.

Full disclosure: I learned to shoot as soon as I was big enough to rest a rifle on a firing block 60 years ago. My last target shooting session was Saturday. I know how they work.

Catriona, feeling a little patronized, but she'll get over it. Probably. One of these days.

 

You fire a gun, or a gun can be fired, but a gun doesn't fire itself. It's a subtle difference between fired or shot (same rules would apply I think) and going off. But fired and shot seem to imply deliberate action, whereas going off can be accidental.

Same as with a car driving off a cliff. I know, in standard parlance (non-writerspeak) ordinary plebians would say that (as most of us are except when we're deep in writerly mode), but in proper writing I'd expect to see either someone drove the car off a cliff (because cars don't drive themselves, Herbie the Love Bug and Speed Buggy excepted of course, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang too I suppose) or it went over the edge.

 

Yeah, it can go either way. My inner editor just flinched slightly on seeing it, but he didn't get out the red pencil. Like I say, I wasn't going to comment on it until Sapere mentioned it.

 

As can be seen from the other discussions, you can analyze sentences forever and still find 'improvements' for clarity. I still don't know what the right balance is between adding words to make it clearer versus reducing it, making it briefer and at the same time relying on the reader to use context clues.

Anyways, here's my suggestion:

Danny stops celebrity coke-dealer, Eddie Teller from raping a fourteen-year-old girl. During the fight the gun which Eddie pulls goes off, fatally wounding him, sending Danny into hiding.

The 'from' sounds better to me, but may alter the meaning.

In the second sentence, it's implied that Eddie shoots himself, but I don't know if the added part helps to eliminate any possible ambiguity on who the 'him' refers to. But maybe that would be insulting the reader's (in this case, agent's) intelligence.

 

I never get 'fatally wounding.' It sounds like he's injured, but oh yes, he is also dead. I think it would have more punch if the gun discharged, killing him.

 

It may be to imply that he doesn't die instantly, maybe giving him time to reveal the one responsible for his death? I don't know if that's needed since his brother would already know that Eddie is the last man to see him

 

Wow, so much help on this. I am closing in on it now. The thing about fires and goes off. Technically either are correct but I preference goes off. I could say, 'the gun discharges'. bit clinical though. Here is where I have got too. I have included the rest of the paragraph for more context.

Danny stops celebrity coke-dealer, Eddie Teller from raping a fourteen-year-old girl. Eddie pulls a gun, but is no match for SAS trained Danny, the gun goes off and Eddie dies. Danny grabs a pile of cash, gets the girl home safely, and disappears. He’s running from Ralph Teller, Eddie’s gangster brother, who has sworn to kill him.

 

Good points, but for the purposes of a query, which this is for the distinction is not really needed. Eddie dies, that's the inciting incident. thanks for helping me see that.

 

I like the addition of 'SAS trained Danny'. It works with the comma after Danny (in the part I copied) but personally I would make it a period. And I'm only very slightly bothered by 'the gun goes off and Eddie dies.' I just feel like there's a bit too much of the same structure; subject/verb/(sometimes object) (Eddie pulls a gun--the gun goes off--Eddie dies). You've done a good job of varying them in the rest of it, but there are several with that same construction jammed together right there. I think I'd try something like 'the gun goes off killing Eddie (or fatally wounding Eddie)'.

Lol, as somebody said above, we could go on tweaking this forever.

 

A big thank you to everyone who chipped in to this thread, it's been really helpful. As I mentioned its for a query letter. The whole (now updated) query is posted in the traditional publishing forum. If anyone would care to head across there and give it the once over, that would be fine indeed.