Hilarious Quotes

I started this thread because my friends and I (well, only me) are writing down and saying things that sound hilarious that I'm going to use as my facebook status's. Everytime they say something quite hilarious, I get my notebook and write it down.

Come to think of it, are there any hilarious quotes that you've heard or said that mad you roll in the floor with laughter? (or, just laugh really loudly)

 

I don't really laugh out loud that much anyways, but I've always found Ambrose Bierce's quotes quite amusing. I also like Mark Twain's quote, which goes something like this: "A classic is something everybody wants to have read but nobody wants to read."

 

Jack Handey is a great source of these:

 

Demetri Martin is a brilliant guy, in addition to partly stand-up comedian (he uses lots of charts and stats and things).

"Here's a break-down of pillow fights. Man vs. Woman: Cute. Man vs. Man: Gay. Woman vs. Woman: Awesome. Man vs. Pillow: Crazy. Pillow vs. Pillow: Crazy Awesome."

 

My friend once told me, "I'm not the smartest crayon in the toolbox."

This was right after I made fun of her for asking me if there was cheese in lasagna.

 

^Haha, now that's really funny!

I once read a license plate that said, "PB4UGo". That cracked me up.

 

This isn’t really a quote though, but it is a billboard street sign. If you saw the movie “Don’t Be a Menace,” you will notice the character’s street address name on his mailbox that reads, “Penetration Avenue.” I found that to be funny because they often on their way to prison (penitentiary).

 

The late Spike Milligan is reputed to have said he wanted the words 'Now do you believe I'm ill' put on his gravestone. Did he get his wish? I don't know.

 

My favorite was from when I was in high school. Some girl was in front of me and the lunch line, and I kid you not, she says:

"No! I can't have french fries! That's bread!"

I couldn't resist. I said:

"Sweetie, they're POTATOES!"

 

For amusing quotes, they don't come any better than Mae West's;

'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted'

'It's not the men in your life, it's the live in your men that matters'

And of course not forgetting her most famous quote;

'Is that a gun in your pocket? or are pleased to see me'.