Ok, hi. So I wrote up a tearer for my wip--a historical thriller--and I would like some feedback. I am mostly interested in general thoughts and feelings, but I'd be open to a suggestion or three. There's a lot that did not fit in the teaser, so I am more than happy to answer any questions; this often helps me think through things. The one problem I've had, is being unable to fit the year my wip starts into the teaser, no matter how I play with the wording, it does not seem to fit. Anyway, for those who wish to know the year is 1849. Historical Thriller, mainstream drama | legal | adventure | romance | LBGTQ+ literature Royal Navy Lieutenant Owen Wilde returns from the Arctic a living ghost. Tormented by his decisions and suffering in mind and body, Owen is unprepared to face the questions of his superiors. The loss of the ship and two-thirds of her crew cannot be overlooked, and spreading rumors of mutiny and cannibalism leave Owen's surviving men in a tenuous position. Debts owed the living conflict with promises given the dead, and it seems for a time that innocent and guilty alike will be condemned. Still, Owen is not new to keeping deadly secrets, and he holds out hope for the salvation of those he managed to save from the icy northern waters. However, the proceeding soon threatened those whom Owen holds most dear, and he is left facing an impossible choice; his family, his men, or the truth. Owen will face death no matter the path taken, but his decision will shape the consequences for those left behind.
It sounds like a great story, and I like the idea of setting it after a return from the Arctic, ratther than it just being in the Arctic. The teaser seems a bit jumbled (was "tearer" a Freudian slip? ). This might be more than you want, but the points that stood out for me were:- - Owen is mentioned six times which seems like overkill - If he's a living ghost facing the questions of his superiors, "tormented by his decisions and suffering in mind and body" might be redunant (and cliches?) - might the questioning be in a naval court-martial type situation with a name that sounds 1849? - or maybe give the ship's category/class so it sounds 1849 that way - "in a tenuous position". If it's that they'll be hanged/executed it might be quicker to say it here with a view to dropping "will face death" in the last line I don't normally mind about starting sentences with conjunctions, but here I think it does worsen the flow. The parts I felt were usefully informing me about the story are the underlined ones. I don't know enough to suggest an edit, but it's that the naval court martial (or whatever they were called) is as deadly as the Arctic - and maybe worse because it's somehow putting his loved ones in danger as well. Zooming out slightly, that irony of the court being as dangerous as the Arctic feels like it's the "central irony" of the plot, and that therefore these 3 sentences could probably be boiled down to one. The "impossible choice" doesn't seem tense to me: everyone would choose their family. It's enough that his family are placed in peril - and it might be good to hint at why: is the real culprit trying to use them to intimidate him and change his testimony, or have some ice zombies followed them home? "Owen will face death no matter the path taken, but his decision will shape the consequences for those left behind." (original) "Owen will face death no matter the path taken, but his decision will shape the consequences for those left behind." (edits mentioned above) "Owen will face death no matter the path taken, but his decision will shape the consequences for those left behind." (if it doesn't matter don't mention it) This last line struck me as word spaghetti, possibly reducing to "The main character will make a decision!" The previous sentence was stronger, and could be stronger still if the central irony can be brought out in tight, punchy terms.
Thank you. Because the exploration of a moral dilemma serves as the driving force behind the plot, there was no reason in focus on what happened in the Arctic. I use the fragile state of Owen's mind to create several flashbacks as a way to reveal information, you catch a few glimpses, but that's all. It's more than I expected, but I don't mind. I don't feel able to reply to everything, but you did make me think of a few things. A lot of your observations about the writing itself are simply things for me to take into consideration. Yes. Although Owen avoids a direct court-martial due to his status, his men are imprisoned to await trial. He'll be expected to speak at the inquiry, the trail, and write a full report on what happened. Not sure how I can make this sound better..? Brigantine, underclass. I don't think calling the ship by a name not known to the general public would be a good idea. That's fine, you have been more then helpful. As to putting Owen's loved ones in danger; the admiral in charge of the court-martial found out Owen has a male lover (George) who's been have relations with Owen's wife (Sarah) as well. They are in a poly relationship, but it's like a the admiral cares about that. He's threatening to reveal Owen if the later does not comply with allowing his men to be hung regardless of guilt. Owen himself would face the death penalty if this where revealed, and there's a chance George would as well. Their relationship started well both when in the Navy, although has since left. Sarah, their children, and both their extended families would face devastating repercussions and likely ruin. I could not find a way to work George and Sarah in without a lot of extra words, but I agree. And yes, I admiral is trying to get Owen to change his testimony. No ice zombies, although that did make me smile, this is a thriller not a horror novel.
I had to read this twice. Perhaps work on phrasing. I read it at first as Debts owed the living conflict. On second reading I saw what you were saying. Perhaps something like "He felt he owed something to the dead, but that conflicted with what he owed the living." My current NaNo is historical also, about a holocaust survivor living in Texas in the 1950's, and based very loosely on someone I actually knew as a child.
