My fantasy story is about an 18-year old knight who was trained from 5-years old to 18-years old as a knight. He is an expert when it comes to using a two-handed double-edged longsword as a weapon. He is also an expert when it comes to empty-handed martial arts such as ones that involve punching, etc. Currently, he is continuously training as a knight in order to be the best warrior he can be in his whole life. Age 15 was the age he began fighting in battles. He also frequently hunted and killed dangerous criminals(such as bandits, street gang members, pirates, etc.) in villages and in city streets. There were evil knights that often challenged him to duels to the death and he defeated and killed all of the evil knights that challenged him. He also defeated many criminals, invader imperialist emperors, barbarian savages, terrorists, etc. when it comes to duels to the death. He was one of the best martial artists and individual warriors in the entire world. He hopes to retire as a knight at the age of 40. This 18-year old knight is a nice person. From the time he was born to his current age, he never bullied people physically, emotionally, and verbally. He hates the idea of committing immoral deeds such as theft, rape, pimping, murder, etc. He hated gangsters, brutal imperialist conquerors, brutal uncivilized barbarians, and terrorists very much. This is why he loves being a brutal vigilante towards criminals such as bandits, pirates, street gang members, etc. He often captures criminals(such as bandits, pirates, street gang members, etc.) alive and brutally tortures them to death. My story is set in a world where various nations are brutally conquering each other. In this world, demons and vampires are widespread all over the world that they present so much threat to humanity. Also, the 18-year old knight doesn't want to get married. He wants to be single and virgin forever. But his 40-year old father wants him to marry and have children. His father was somehow a bad person because he pressures the 18-year old knight to marry and have children by saying to the 18-year old boy that he will have him killed if he didn't marry and have children. The 18-year old knight's father is a very powerful political person in the government. The 18-year old knight's father is also a very skilled and very respected military commander in the military of the nation where the 18-year old knight is from. The 18-year old knight's father uses his political power in order to pressure the 18-year old knight to marry and have kids. The 18-year old knight's father doesn't just pressure the 18-year old boy into marrying and having kids. He also pressures the boy into how many he should marry and who are the ones he should marry. The 18-year old knight's father wants his son to marry a group of 30 sacred temple warrior maidens and have kids with all of them. He pressures the 18-year old boy to do this by threatening him with death. The 18-year old knight said to his father that marrying more than one wife and having more than 3 kids is too much for him but his father was persistent on him marrying all of the 30 sacred temple warrior maidens and him having children with all of them to the point that the 18-year old knight can't do anything to go against his father's wishes. The group of 30 females that the knight boy is forced to marry are very skilled warriors when it comes to protecting sacred temples and their nation. Sacred temple warrior maidens are not part of the military of the nation that the 18-year old knight is from but they act as a sort of special elite warriors for their nation in some times. They are special elite warriors because they possess battle skills that are exclusive to them and they are one of the best groups of warriors in their nation. Sacred temple warrior maidens are basically females. Aside from being warriors, they are also dutiful servants of sacred temples. They also engage in exorcism against evil spirits as well as spreading religious messages in sacred temples towards common religious people who are temple goers. Normally, sacred temple warrior maidens are virgins who do not marry, have lovers, have kids, or have sex but they are allowed to. Once they marry, have lovers, have kids, have sex, or all of these acts, they are no longer allowed to be sacred temple warrior maidens. Sacred temple warrior maidens must always be virgins. The 30 females that the 18-year old knight boy is forced to marry eventually decided that they want to marry and have kids. They don't want to be sacred warrior temple maidens anymore. All of them want to marry the 18-year old knight boy and have kids with him so they all agreed to the decision that they will share him together. No one knows why they like the 18-year old boy. Anyways, polygamy is normal and legal in the culture that the 18-year old knight boy is from. In his culture, only rich males practice polygamy but the 18-year old boy is not rich so he is kind of angry towards his father for forcing him to marry all of the 30 sacred temple warrior maidens. Eventually, he is forced to find a way to get a job that will make him rich. The group of 30 sacred temple warrior maidens that the 18-year old knight is forced to marry are platonic friends toward each other because they have been friends with each other since they were below the age of 11. They were raised to be sacred temple warrior maidens since they were below the age of 11. They are nice people in that they do not commit immoral acts. In the end, the 18-year old knight boy married all of the 30 sacred temple warrior maidens. By the way, no one forced the 30 sacred warrior maidens to marry the 18-year old knight boy or have kids with him. All of the 30 sacred warrior maidens were virgins when the 18-year old knight boy married them. When the knight boy married all of the 30 females, the age range of the 30 females were from 18 to 22. In this group of 30 females, there are: 7 eighteen year olds 5 nineteen year olds 7 twenty year olds 5 twenty one year olds 6 twenty two year olds There are also females who are a bit taller than the 18-year old knight boy and these are them: 3 of the eighteen year olds 1 of the nineteen year olds 3 of the twenty year olds 1 of the twenty one year olds 2 of the twenty two year olds The rest of the 30 sacred temple warrior maidens are the same height as the 18-year old knight boy. The relationship of the knight boy towards his 30 wives(who are former sacred temple warrior maidens) is fine. He was forced to marry all of the 30 females but he began to like and love all of them in the end. All of his 30 wives are submissive and loyal to him. They do household chores for him like cooking, etc. Before the 30 females became pregnant, all of the knight boy's 30 wives are addicted to having sex with the knight boy which is why they demanded that he always have sex with each of them. The knight boy was forced to comply so he always had sex with all of them. After that, each of his 30 wives demanded to him that he should have children with each of them which resulted in the knight boy's 30 wives having enlarged pregnant bellies. When the 30 wives of the knight boy were still sacred temple warrior maidens, they all wore the same dress and that is a long elegant sacred dress but after they stopped being sacred temple warrior maidens, they started becoming individualistic in their clothing so they wore different clothes. Then they all started wearing the same specific combination of clothes and that combination is made up of: 1. A buttoned dark-blue feminine lightweight blazer. 2. A buttoned light-blue blouse. 3. A light-brown long skirt. The long skirt's bottom edge reaches the ankles of the 30 females. The long skirt is not pleated. The long skirt is soft and relaxed which means it does not gradually widen from the waist to the bottom edge. The long skirt is straight which means it does not gradually widen from the waist to the bottom edge. 4. A pair of short pure-white socks that never reaches the upper halves of the 30 females' lower legs(the legs below the 30 females' thighs). 5. A pair of dark-brown shoes. The knight boy always gets turned on when his 30 wives are wearing this same specific combination of clothes while the buttoned dark-blue feminine lightweight blazers of the 30 females are unbuttoned and his 30 wives have enlarged pregnant bellies due to him impregnating all of them. He always loves to hug his 30 wives' enlarged pregnant bellies. When the 30 females are wearing this same specific combination of clothes, the buttoned dark-blue feminine lightweight blazers of the 30 females are unbuttoned most of the time. This same specific combination of clothes did not come from the knight boy because it was the idea of his 30 wives. Before the 30 females wore this same specific combination of clothes, they were individualistic in what they wear which means that they wore clothes that are different from each others'. Many people and the knight boy then felt weird about the knight boy's 30 wives beginning to wear this same specific combination of clothes. Eventually, many people and the knight boy realized that the knight boy's 30 wives made the idea of this same specific combination of clothes as a symbol of their wifehood and femininity towards the knight boy. Many people and the knight boy also realized that for the 30 females, this same specific combination of clothes was also a symbol of the sisterhood that the 30 females have for each other. The knight boy was confused by all of these at the start but he liked all of it in the end. By the way, none of the 30 females are wearing objects that tie their hairs or are on their hairs. Their hairs are all free and relaxed which means their hairs are straight due to their hairs being naturally straight. Also, none of the females are wearing make-up. Also, none of the females have nails that are painted. As for the biological looks of all of the knight's 30 wives, these are their characteristics: 1. All of them have long straight deep-dark-brown hairs but each of their hairs have small differences with each other. 2. All of them have pale skin. 3. Many of them have different eye pupil colors from each other. 4. All of them are physically fit. None of them are fat or overly thin. 5. All of them have the same body shape. 6. All of them are tall. 7. All of them are in good shape. This is the combination of clothes that the knight boy wears in times when he is just a civilian and not in service as a knight: 1. A pure-white lightweight hoodless jacket. 2. A pure-white T-shirt. 3. Pants. The color of the pants is light-grey. 4. A pair of short pure-white socks that never reaches the upper halves of his lower legs(the legs below his thighs). 5. A pair of pure-white shoes. 6. A pair of pure-white thin gloves. As for his biological appearance, here are his characteristics: 1. His hair is short and black. His hair is short to the point that it never reaches his shoulders. 2. He has pale skin. 3. He is tall. 4. He is muscular. 5. He is physically fit. 6. He is in good shape. The knight boy and his 30 wives live in a village. In the village, he hunts and kills vampires and demons that try to harm his 30 wives. So what do you think of this warrior fantasy story of mine? How can I further develop this? What should I add? What mistakes does it have?
My first thought is that the main character doesn't marry enough virgin warrior maidens. 30 is... do you even matrimony, bro? My second thought is that a central antagonist appears to be missing here. It doesn't have to be a person, but it would be a lot more compelling if there was some kind of force pushing back against the protagonist (I forget his age, 19?). It's good that he has some conflict with his father and his demanding wives, but it might be beneficial to have something that clearly threatens his newly adopted way of life. As it is, the brigands and terrorists sound like small potatoes, pests that one just mops the floor with (and tortures to death) instead of something that challenges every facet of the main character, tests his very limits. It could be an evil wizard, it could be a tornado, it could be cancer, it could be boredom—anything, something that puts him in a difficult position with a lot to lose.
I don't understand what the story is. You go into details about specific clothing, but what's the story? Not the setting, not the world building, not the very weird amount of detail specifically about virgin wives and ages, but the actual plot.
Forty-two? And, yeah, as @Selbbin says "A pair of short pure-white socks that never reaches the upper halves of his lower legs(the legs below his thighs)." doesn't even make the beginnings of a story, so the question isn't really how to "further" develop the story, the question is "where's the story?"
This was my first thought too. You went on describing some of your setting and your characters in pretty specific detail at places, but you did not really mention any sort of plot or development. Your post is just a messy outline detailing characters and the setting. This is what I would write when I'm brainstorming my setting and its always something strictly for me to see. To me personally, the setting sounds kind of wacky. A virgin warrior? 30 wives? And they all want him? But he doesn't want them? My question is... what do you want this to be? A comedy in a fantasy setting? Or something more serious?
"I don't want to "marry" all these comely maidens who are all in good shape, i want to remain a virgin for ever" Said no 18 year old boy ever that aside As far as i can tell there isnt actually a story here... you've put a lot of thought into what they are wearing, but very little into what they are doing or why
this bit kind of got skipped over in all the excesive warrior maiden stuff , but if hes a nice person who hates the idea of violence how come he regularly tortures people to death ?
The scum he tortures to death are criminals. Basically, evil men. For him, the criminals deserved it.
For a nice guy who doesn't like violence its very inconsistent to also be okay with torturing people instead of just killing them cleanly... someone who righteously tortures evil men is fine as a character someone who is nice and kind and doesn't like violence is okay as a character but both in the same character... not credible
What's wrong with my protagonist knight boy not wanting to marry the 30 sacred temple warrior maidens? He is not your typical horny teenage boy who engages in casual sex and casual hook-ups. He has huge self-control.
That makes for an interesting premise. He sees himself as peace-loving, but thinks it's ok to use violence and torture against the violent. Of course we do that (aside from the torture parts) as a society (at least in America), but only certain people are authorized to use guns and violence and throw people in cages (at least in certain cities/states). I'm assuming when it says 'he' uses violence against terrorists etc it means mostly his hired help does? This suggests a theme about a person's self-image being different from the reality of who they are. That can be a very interesting story.
Yes, he doesn't want to marry the 30 sacred temple warrior maidens but the 30 sacred temple warrior maidens want him. Like what's the plot hole there? What's so funny about this?
Maybe we're all trying to impose modern Liberal values onto a story taking place in a different setting. It sounds Middle Eastern and set in an earlier age. In a time/place before liberal values were established torture and multiple virgin wives were the norm, at least in certain countries. A ruler could kill and torture without trial and be considered kind and benevolent. It would depend on the laws of the land. Why does everybody bristle about this but then go comment on stories in the Workshop where barbarian hordes are sacking villages and raping the women, and not make the same kind of comments there?
1) its not so much that its a plot hole as that theres no plot... this is a potential set up, but not an actual story 2) its also deeply unrealistic... the 18 year old boy doesn't want any/all of the attractive women, not plausible... that 30 attractive women who are virgin temple warriors all want to give that up to be with an 18 year old boy ... also not plausible (out side of some sorts of harem erotica)
you can absolutely have a character who is considered benevolent and yet still has people tortured... but that's different from saying "hes a nice man, he doesnt like violence... but he tortures criminals because they deserve it" your barbarian hordes in said workshop stories aren't generally described as being peace loving and friendly that kind of discontunity breaks the readers imersion in the story by making them think 'wait, what?" Rather like going to the trouble of establishing a setting where temple warriors are virgins, only to then have all 30 of them want to give up their status to be with an 18 year old, or indeed to have a setting where temple warriors are untouchable but have the 18 year old's father pick them to be his wives rather than many other more suitable women
@James203 If you like the ideas and characters then go for it. But you can’t expect everyone else to like it. You posted on a forum asking for feedback, some folks think your character is unrealistic. That’s cool. I read a story I thought had an unrealistic character a year ago. It won a Hugo and got picked up by Netflix. My opinion didn’t matter. Writing is a journey. Give the story your best shot and see how it turns out.
I agree, but this can be fixed with adding just one word. people are hypocrites all the time, so I don’t necessarily have trouble with the thought this knight believes he is peaceful but is still a violent monster.
Ok, the difference is in whether it's the character or the author who condones the torture etc, and in what the purpose of the story is. And in whether the story is headed for violating community guidleines as stated in the site rules. I get it.
Also 30 wives is problematic in several ways 1)inside the story, we're expected to believe that an inexperienced 18 year old is able to satisfy 30 women to the point that they are all addicted to having sex with him, and gets them all pregnant at the same time ? not to mention how he affords to feed , cloth, look after 30 families in addition to all his knightly duties 2) Also why would the father want him to have so many kids - 60 or whatever children is going to be highly problematic when it comes to heirs and line of succession to whatever knightly estate he has. Ghengis Khan had 5 sons and they managed to nearly destroy the mongol empire fighting over who got to succeed him 3) the women don't appear to have much agency in this story... they are basically cardboard cuts outs who exist to have sex with the MC and tend to his every need...don't any of them have goals or needs of their own beyond being good submissive wives ? 4) from a readers perspective 30 characters who all look the same and perform basically the same roll is going to be difficult, how will the reader tell them apart/ remember who they are I'd tend to suggest that it would work better to significantly reduce the number of wives to like 5 or 10 at the outside, and also to give them different characteristics both physically and in character and personality so that readers remember who is who
You can keep all the sexing up the maidens and killing bandits and have the MC begin a corruption arc. That would be interesting to me. I mean, your MC is starting off as an ideal (makes me think of Siegfried from mythology), so the only direction he can go is downward. The nuance he gains is all negative, but storywise there's nothing wrong with that. The big twist at the middle of the book is that his father wasn't his father. It was some sort of imp who was corrupting him. Then the maidens aren't really maidens, but succubi. Or maybe one of them is (his official wife), and she's bewitched the others. I don't know . . . there are all kinds of crazy things that could happen. Yeah, that's what I would do. The first half fulfills carnal fantasy, and in the second the MC futilely tries to undo it. Let's say throughout the book he's chasing a big-bad who exists only in rumor (the big plot) and then he becomes that rumor, and that's the ending, when he finally accepts his role as villain.
I already stated in my story that the knight boy doesn't want to have more than 3 kids. His father forced him to have kids with each of the 30 sacred temple warrior maidens and his 30 wives all demanded to him that he should have a kid with each of them. I am still deciding on this but even if they all just want to be good submissive wives, what's wrong with that? Each of the hairs of the 30 wives have small differences with each other. Also, the 30 wives don't have the same height.
Those are very minor surface differences. What about their personalities? Some people are headstrong and overbearing, some are passive, some tend to use humor and sweetness to get their way, some use reason and logic etc. You can often tell people's personality types from the way they stand or a certain look on the faces, things they tend to say. What's his father's reason for that, and what are theirs? It would be one thing if he was wealthy and powerful, but he sounds more like a warrior/knight/monk.
Perhaps, but that is the modern world, so if you want the story to sell, you somehow have to adapt it. If you don't though, then you can do whatever the hell moves your boat. What the OP describes has spawned its own genre in Anime, which is known as Harem. And Fantasy as well as medieval era settings are extremely popular within the medium right now. I personally don't enjoy this kind of thing, which is why I stopped paying attention to the medium. There are such stories in the workshop? Maybe it's cause I'm still new so I haven't encountered any. It's not funny per se, but a virgin 18 year old being chased by 30 different women that want him definitely has potential to be comedy. Clearly, though, you're aiming to have a more serious tone about this, which is why I asked you. I would also like to know that.
