Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was 'Oh no, not again.' Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide
So I have read all of the posts. I always write in the first person. I find it difficult to write in third, even with the various states of mind's that I could go through any minute now. With the books I read, the writer tends to follow the formula of action, detail, action, detail, character connection. etc with dialog. I have a feeling I have to write more of what I doing, thinking and feeling. I sometimes act out the scenes to get an idea of what is the best action, response, dialogue and even the storyline. (I talk to myself a lot when I am alone. One time in college, I pretended to read a script in public as if I was acting in a play lol)
I have been reading books and I notice a trend. Action with I, detail, action with I, detail, thought/opinion/observation (Dialogue when needed) repeat. I have read a novel and highlighted the amount if I's in a chapter and then in another color highlighted thought and then direction. There are many in first person. After editing a first chapter in a novel that I finally feel happy with the storyline (took some dream searching and inspiration from opinions and freudian and jungian psychology). I found that editing down I's into describing what is happening and stating the obvious rather than first person telling. Example Excerpt Before "My jaw hurts from greeting and conversing with those around me I see a mix of familiar fans, supporters of the arts, critics and new faces crowding the three roomed space. Majority of my conversations involve praises and responses in regards to the collection with the occasional how-are-you’s from associates. The glass of red wine cupped I have between my hands had only been filled once and only a few sips that have been taken from the disposable plastic glass. The last sip I took was too acidic for my taste." After My jaw hurts from greeting and conversing with those around me There is a mix of familiar fans, supporters of the arts, critics and new faces crowding the three roomed space. Majority of my conversations involve praises and responses in regards to the collection with the occasional how-are-you’s from associates. The glass of red wine cupped between my hands had only been filled once and only a few sips that have been taken from the disposable plastic glass. The last sip was too acidic for my taste. I edited down the I's and simplified the actions. It is obvious I am telling there is a mix of people in the gallery but I do not need to say "I see" since I am observing it. Also I do not need to tell that I have a glass of wine cupped of I took a few sips. It is obvious without the I's that it is cupped in my hands and the last sip supported the sentence before hand Am I getting the hang of it?
I do better writing it first, getting the story down, then fixing it. The groceries on the list never changed. The store never changed, it was always Jake's Groceries, never the QFC. The QFC didn't have my brands, things weren't in the right places there. At home, each item had its place in the cupboard. It never varied. If something wasn't in the right place, it screamed at me to put it right. The lawn and car were always perfect, perfectly manicured, perfectly polished. When everything was just right, sleep, peaceful, beautiful sleep finally came. Nothing called or nagged at me to fix it, getting louder and louder, just rejuvenating sleep. Yes, but keep going. The ache in my jaw followed too much greeting and conversing with these people. A mix of familiar fans, supporters of the arts, critics and new faces crowded into the tiny three-room space. Praises had to be doled out over every collection, responses were owed to every "how-are-you" from dozens of associates. Now only a few sips of red wine were gone from the plastic glass cupped in my hands, the last sip, too acidic for my taste. You had a few unneeded details in that last sentence. Disposable and plastic are redundant. And if one finished a whole glass of wine, it neutralized the comment about a few sips.
This probably relates to something I have been looking into myself lately. It boils down to a case of blending descriptions, information and actions instead of just having a series of actions, such as I did this, I did that, then I went there. A great balance of the three will dilute the repetitive pronouns and make them more inconspicuous within the text. I truly believe that doing that creatively well is one of the many secrets to great writing.
I think you're doing a good job of minimizing "I", but I think you introduced some other unnecessary filtering in the process, in that second sentence. Instead of "There is a mix...crowding", you could say "A mix...crowds". Not a big deal, just a nitpick.
Thank you. I am definitely bookmarking this page. Compared to when I first started writing, this version is a thousand times better. Reading and rereading books does help with learning how a story flows and how a writer interprets a first person point of view (it is the only type of writing style I can get into because of how I can relate to the MC). Needs more editing but I am getting the ball started. I can see where my weakness is. I need to justify actions and simplify my descriptions. The version I sent was my first draft, many more chapters and edits to go. I am going to keep going with the writing then go back and edit. By doing this, I can get this done and if the storyline needs to change, I can do it after the fact. It is hard to dilute repetitive nouns sometimes. I have a thesaurus handy to help me find a word that is similar to a very vague one.
