Query Letter How's this work for creating interest?

Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by doggiedude, Dec 1, 2016.

  1. jannert

    jannert Member Supporter Contributor

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    I think you're on the right track, but a question immediately arises. Why does Jason actually care enough that he 'must pursue them across galaxies' when before the murder, all he did was mess around with his powers and evade responsibility?

    I still maintain you (@doggiedude ) need to emphasize personality more than the overall plot details. "When Jason's father, the Emperor of Rhime, murders Jason's best friend, the young prince knows he will be next unless he can steal a ship and get off the planet. (...or whatever.)

    Focus on Jason's immediate problems, and you should be okay.
     
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  2. doggiedude

    doggiedude Contributor Contributor

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    If that's what he was doing, then yes. But he's only fantasizing about it the way any teenager would. It's not his fault his daydreams have special significance.
     
  3. dbesim

    dbesim Senior Member

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    I think that your revised versions of the synopsis for Shabin is a big improvement than the synopsis in the first post. I wasn't feeling that one but I am feeling your revised ones especially the second draft. However, I speak as a reader not a publisher. In my history of reading some of the work you've submitted in various short-story competitions and flash-fiction entries, I do think that you produce some fairly marketable work. Including Mapleberry. I read that entry in the 10 year anniversary competition and had a feeling it wasn't finished but it is a great story and am glad you extended it. I do however think that you need to put more work into writing better synopsis. You write great stories but people won't want to read it if the synopsis isn't exciting enough. It becomes the whole pitch. (I'd say that about the synopsis of Mapleberry too but that's probably off topic).

    I think your revised drafts for Shabin are a lot better. I don't know anything about the story but it sounds like a very different thing from what I'm used to reading and because I usually enjoy the style of the sort of writing you've produced over here, I think your stories are marketable. (I hope they put the time into reading it). Good luck!
     
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