Ha. You caught me out! No, I am not a twin, but I find them intriguing. I dated one for nearly 11 years, and I have a couple of friends who are twins. There is certainly a connection between them that doesn't exist in 'regular' sibling relationships. I find this interesting. There are also many instances in real life where one twin survives either birth or some accident later on, and feels something is missing from his/her own life afterwards. I don't mean missing the person, as in missing anybody in particular that you loved, but missing in the sense of a limb that's been severed, or a connection that is incomplete. They sometimes don't feel as if they are whole people, and often express this thought. One of the things that has struck me in the twin relationships I have been involved in, is the sense of responsibility one of them feels for the other. They feel as if they should be taken together, and that what affects one affects the other. I remember the guy I dated for so long. There was never any doubt in my mind about which of the two guys I loved, but they were identical twins, and used to have fun occasionally pretending to be the 'other' one, just to see if I'd notice. I remember they would sometimes phone me, and pass the phone back and forth during the conversation, and think it was really funny when I thought I was talking to one and instead was talking to the other one. I remember that once or twice the 'wrong' one would appear at my door, pretending to be the other one, just for a laugh. While I was easily fooled during the phone conversations, I was never fooled in the face-to-face. They didn't dress alike, but they shared clothing, so it was perfectly possible to find my boyfriend wearing his brother's varsity jacket one, day, and then his own the next. It was an odd experience, but I took it in stride. Oddly, there was never even the slightest notion in my head that 'oh well, if it doesn't work with him, I can always go for his brother.' I think the connection was stronger in their minds than it was in mine!
Well, when you grow in the womb together, sure, it's special...but as they grow older, they can grow apart. It's very sad, actually.
But what is very interesting is so often they don't grow apart. I wonder if this is stronger with identical twins than fraternal ones. I don't know any fraternal twins.
God dont tell me this. I have twin 4 year olds. I can see the possibility but dont want to contemplate it.
I'm a twin actually. It sucks because with my family I don't feel I have my own identity. I don't feel I have my own identity when I'm not with them as well and I have to constantly be making sure I'm not doing the same things he is or acting the same way because I see what he does - hating it - and always want to make sure that I'm not doing that because I hate it so much. It has made me very insecure. It's like looking through a mirror all the time and seeing everything you hate about yourself. I love my brother and we're very similar but it's really hard to keep remembering that not everyone lives their lives this way; that most people have their own identity and can be comfortable with who they are because they're not always looking at someone who reminds them of themselves and don't have to constantly be thinking about themselves and thinking, "Am I like that?" With my book, I'm making some headway; in the plotting aspect at least which is all I really like to do. I've conceived that there's going to be five books, each with their own plots and climaxes and all connecting with the story's overarching goal. I think there's going to be six main characters that I'll look the story through; because one is just not enough. What's worrying me is that these five books are really like every other book (or story) because in each of them something happens and then it builds to a climax and there's emotions and then it ends happily, or back to the status quo, and something has changed of course and they have to lead down a new path. It worries me, though, that no one will like it because they've "seen it all before." It's a fantasy story but there is no "evil villain." The main characters, in a way, are the villains because that's how they look from the outside and to society, but because we see the story from their perspective we know why they're doing it and we can see they're good people just trying to make their lives better; and that the people who are trying to stop them in each book (the antagonists) are just the people who are trying to do right by society and trying to make their own lives better and so there really is no villain like you'd usually see in a fantasy story; there is no bad guy and they're all good people trying to get what they want; they're just getting in the way of each other. I don't know if this is good enough to write an acclaimed series about and maybe I'm just doubting myself. If it's this easy to create an antagonist for a fantasy story without having to make them doing it just for the sake of evil, like every other hero/villain story a author has done, then why haven't they done it? Why didn't they do it? It almost seems lazy and like the author has no respect for the genre and will just resort to cliches because it's easy and not take years trying to make it better. I know I only came up with it yesterday, or the day before, but figuring out the climax of each book, and the motivations of how the heroes and antagonists get there, has made the plotting and coming up with subplots that much easier for the books. It makes starting seem all that much easier. One thing, I guess, that is static and apparent in all my drafts of this story are these "moments" and big climaxes of each book that the characters have and that it's these moments that I'm trying to create and build towards authentically that has been the most struggling. Like how one of my characters goes off on their own tangent in the second book because they don't feel part of the team and have to go prove themselves and they get in trouble and deal with it and then in the third book that same character is filled with an overabundance of confidence because they've done what they've accomplished in the second book and now they get in more trouble and learn more things. It's these character arcs that I feel I now have to create and maneuver because it's the only thing that's been constant in these drafts and story outlines because they're the moments that I'm trying to build towards and create and there's really no easy way to do it and make it all seem "natural" and "organic" and have it all connect and seem not like it was orchestrated to be that way because it was. That seems like it's going to be difficult but I guess later tonight when I go and try to do it and work it in the first book, we'll see how much easier it is knowing now what I know about how each book ends. The character arcs represent, I suppose, the theme of each story and, what like another poster in this thread said, if I don't know what the theme is, my characters will show me. I like to think of my writing process as the snowflake method, and while I'm not intentionally using it and thought, wow what a great idea, I was using it before I even read it; I like to figure out the big picture first and then split it up and grow it little by little. I've always felt that that's just how I want the story to be told; always leading up to something contrived and not a "see where it takes me" because I've always felt that I have known where the characters were going it was just never put into words. I'm not a pantser-writer and I can't just write something without knowing where I'm going. I think my story may look formulaic when people are reading it because of this but hopefully because of the characters and its premise people will enjoy it. After all, Harry Potter is pretty formulaic with each book and so are every NCIS episode and House episode and Grey's anatomy episode, but all those shows rocked and so maybe mine being plotted and following a general formula, no matter how obvious I think it is, will be okay and I'm just overthinking it. I think I just want to be told that I can do this. That my idea isn't cliche and overdone. That my story is exciting and has the potential to be a hit. That if I stick through it I can make it. I just want it to be what I've envisioned it to be and nothing else. I think that requires a lot of plotting and it's out of respect for the story and not so it just makes my life as a writer easier. If something like this has to take my frustration as a cost and expense to make it then I'll pay that price and hopefully at the end I'll have what I want and I'll never have to write another book again. It's just been so long that I don't know if any other writer is experiencing this or has experienced and everything just comes easy to them or if I'm just some idiot who doesn't know how to write this story and my idea of accepting nothing but the best is just some excuse I've created because I don't have anything to show for it yet. I just want to be told that I've done it, that the book I want to write will be here and on shelves and out of my mind for the world to enjoy but it's not, I'm still struggling with pulling it out of my head in the form that I want it to come out as. I want it to be here, in the way that I envisioned it, why is that such a hard thing to ask? I'm not a writer, I just have this idea and now I have to learn write and learn what a freaking story is and it's the hardest thing ever. Writing is easy. I'm writing right now. So then why is it so hard?
I bolded that line in your quote: "I just want it to be what I've envisioned it to be and nothing else" - and in your OP you said you want your book to be "perfect". Honestly? I think that's why you're stuck and tortured by your story. Stories grow - they're much more like a plant than a brick house following a precise blueprint. Sometimes it is not how you've envisioned it to be - sometimes it's actually better. It's natural to want your book to be what you envisioned it to be, but "that and nothing else" is a little dangerous. It's often that we can't forsee how a situation will unfold until we come to writing it, and then we find it takes a different turn. If you force it to go the way you've planned rather than letting the story organically grow within the framework you've set down for it, but with some wriggle room, you risk creating something that is stilted and a story that doesn't make much sense. Anything is easy when you're good at it. So how do you get good at it? You learn, and you practise. The key here is: enjoy the practise. It's a journey. Think of all the writers you've read and loved. You think they just picked up a pen one day, or opened a blank word document one day, and hammered out that brilliant little story you read? You think what you're reading is a first draft? You think they were born this good? No. No. And No. The answer is No. It's a journey, that's all, and there're peaks and valleys, as with all journeys. The view can be majestic either way though - it's just how you see it. Let yourself enjoy the journey. Mistakes are okay - that's how you learn. That's why you get critiques. That's why you edit and rewrite. Every writer needs these things, even the pros. This book is first and foremost for you. The only guarantee in writing is your own self-satisfaction. So enjoy the writing. Don't be so hard on yourself. Let your story - and yourself - breathe a little. You know how you hold a kitten, a baby, a butterfly, or a flower? How you're supposed to hold something precious? You hold it gently. Squeeze too hard, and you'll crumple the butterfly's wings, you'll suffocate the mewing kitten. In the end, whether the story is perfect or not, it doesn't matter - will the world end? Nah. Will you die? Nah. Will anyone you love die? Nah. Your story is supposed to be fun. So go on. Have fun. And if it's not perfect, laugh and learn, and do it again. As long as you keep getting up, you haven't failed. As long as you keep learning, you will get there. And to be honest, learning is the only real success anyway. The moment you stop learning, you stagnate. Have a little faith in yourself. If you don't believe in yourself, you won't reach the end. Whatever stage you're in now - it's just one stage. One stage in many stages. If you think you suck right now, well that's just right now. That says nothing about how good you'll be tomorrow, or next week, next month, next year. So set your mind on improving - not on being perfect. Perfection doesn't exist, and you'll spend your life chasing it like that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Whatever you write, there will be people who will love it, and there will be people who will hate it. Yes, there will be haters. And so what? Let them hate. Because you love it. That matters more, sometimes. And as long as you're always learning, what can anyone say that can hurt you? Because you know whatever fault you have is only temporary, not permanent. And, by the way... Yes, you can do this. Just make sure you let your story breathe a little. Remember it's a flower, not a brick house. Let it surprise you a little, and have fun. You know, I am reminded of an analogy I heard once in church but I think it applies well here. People who want order go to the cemetery. People who want life go to the nursery, where it's a whole frigging mess and it's loud and it's chaotic and it's... full of brilliant, sparkling life. The blank page is a playground. Play, and don't be afraid to get really, really messy. Perfection belongs in the cemetery.
@drifter265 I'm struck by a couple of the paragraphs you wrote and would like to comment. With my book, I'm making some headway; in the plotting aspect at least which is all I really like to do. I've conceived that there's going to be five books, each with their own plots and climaxes and all connecting with the story's overarching goal. I think there's going to be six main characters that I'll look the story through; because one is just not enough. What's worrying me is that these five books are really like every other book (or story) because in each of them something happens and then it builds to a climax and there's emotions and then it ends happily, or back to the status quo, and something has changed of course and they have to lead down a new path. It worries me, though, that no one will like it because they've "seen it all before." You describe storytelling structure which has stood the test of time. What will make your story different is what you do within that structure. Something happens. Well, yes, let's hope so. What it is that happens is what will make your story unique. Things build to a climax. Yes again. That is what readers want as well as expect. This isn't 'life,' this is a story. Emotions. Yes, I hope so. While it's possible, I suppose, to write a totally intellectual story that has no emotion in it, I know it's not the kind of thing I would want to read. The story ends happily, or back to the status quo (in which the reader and hopefully the characters have learned something along the way) or something has changed and they set off in a new direction. Yes. I suspect you've summed it up rather nicely here. I don't see any cause for worry. This is not something everybody has seen before, but something that everybody expects from a story. Leave any of these elements out, and your story will simply be a vignette or an essay. Maybe what you're worrying about is that the 'something' that happens will be a cliche, or the emotions won't be believable, or the conclusion will leave readers unsatisfied. That is what you should be focusing on, not on the fact that you're structuring your story loosely along conventional lines. It's the detail that will make your story unique. I really like what you wrote below: It's a fantasy story but there is no "evil villain." The main characters, in a way, are the villains because that's how they look from the outside and to society, but because we see the story from their perspective we know why they're doing it and we can see they're good people just trying to make their lives better; and that the people who are trying to stop them in each book (the antagonists) are just the people who are trying to do right by society and trying to make their own lives better and so there really is no villain like you'd usually see in a fantasy story; there is no bad guy and they're all good people trying to get what they want; they're just getting in the way of each other. A story that has antagonists but no 'villain' is a strong story, because it's not mapped out. The way you envision your charcters, as good people just trying to make their lives better or trying to make a better society, is very mature and worthy story fodder. 'Villains' are boring, really. People getting in the way of each other is a much more interesting concept, and you've opened up so many ways this story can go. Well done. Just get in there and get this thing written! You may be worrying yourself out of starting, which would be a shame. If you want everything to be perfect, hey, you're in for a LONG and very frustrating life. Nothing ever is.
So many wonderful things in this post I just don't know which to point out. I could pick a certain part and elaborate my idea on it but what would the point be? What you said was wonderful, I want to acknowledge you for it, and it's one of those posts you hope to get when one starts a thread like this. However, lol, on the "me trying to be perfect too much" bit, I still think it's the path I want go down and making sure it's right and that all the plot holes are filled and that the character motivations are right to how I feel they were meant to be and what I feel in my heart is right for the characters and the story. If I were to go down the other path and just write for the sake of a draft and a story, I don't feel I would be happy with it and I tried that previously with a 52,000 word draft and I ended up scrapping it, although it was with the same characters and same plot and everything - it was just not how I wanted it to be; the pace wasn't right. So I think I'm going to stick with my painstaking perfectionism of the story and I think I'll be rewarded in the end. A clever thing I've recently discovered is that all that is really important in a story is, I believe, at least in my case and in my story, is that the climax is the most important part of a story. That if you know why a climax is happening and who it involves and how it ends, that you can then know how the story starts and what you'll have to do in the middle and that then is your silver-lining; it's the middle part in between the climax and the beginning that you can do whatever you want in and explore and be imaginative and creative and take chances. That as long as you have the beginning and the climax and the end right, you can't mess up the middle as long as you get to where you're going. Figuring out the climax, for me at least, has always been something I've overlooked and I've always struggled with with the beginning and character motivations but now that I know the climax, which I can't express here how helpful it's been without giving the actual plot details away, I feel starting and coming up with an interesting middle easy and not at all stressful and difficult like I have in the past have felt. Too much of another rant like I always do, so I'm going to end this reply here. Yes, the story is definitely about emotions. The characters don't start in an existential state-of-mind. It's really about how they get there that I want to explore. But, mostly, the story I feel is mainstream and will be able to relate to a large audience in terms of its emotions and themes it explores; that I'm not trying to go for a "life is meaningless" theme. I guess what I was questioning was a story structure that has stood the test of time; you're right, I shouldn't be questioning it and should actually be emulating it and also expecting audiences to expect that about my story. I think what got me, though, at the time, was that my story, I think, was feeling so much like every other story in terms of the building up to the climax and letting go that I felt I was just copying them when I should have felt that I have reached them; like my story is good enough now and has a point and isn't just random things happening. At the time I thought I felt it was a bad thing that my story was like everyone else's but now I'm thinking that it might actually be a good thing. Also, not all the stories I'm thinking I'm copying are every story, I think I'm only thinking of the good stories because not all stories are good and not all stories follow that traditional pattern. I think what I want to achieve with my story anyway is this classic format but with my own spin on it. Now I just don't think that that's a bad thing to think anymore about my story being. So thanks for reiterating that. As for the villain comment, I appreciate that. My story is set in fantasy (very very light fantasy and there is no magical creatures or magical people or special powers but a very minor power that sets the motivations for the characters and a backstory) and so when I first started plotting the story I didn't have a villain that I felt comfortable with with my story that was just there for evil and I would try it and it would never work because I wanted my characters to be in a fight against themselves not some insurmountable wall like a darth vader or something lazy like that. So I think that's also why this story has been so difficult to write as well. I don't know, I'm also just very new to this (2-3 years) and have been just working on this one idea but I love it and can't get it out of my head and just love plotting it and wondering where it can go and then how to make sense of it all into some comprehensible manner so me or someone else could read it.
I really like the idea that you've rejected the 'pure evil' villain that is so common in fantasy these days. That is such a cliche! So many better things to do with fantasy than that. Again. I think you're on top of what you're doing, actually. You'll be fine. It's normal for people to have doubts while they're writing, and to occasionally look at the book as a whole and think: what? who am I kidding? I remember standing in the middle of a large bookstore (Borders, in Glasgow, while it still existed). I looked around me, and a sudden thought came: just what the world needs, ANOTHER damn book. I felt like that guy at the finish of a tackle in American football. The guy who goes and jumps on top of a heap of about 15 other players. Sometimes he has to leap high into the air to actually land on top, but what in hell is the point? That ball is DOWN. It was a pretty profound moment of doubt for me. But I got over it!
But you're just saying this, aren't you? You have nothing else to say but you want to say something anyway?
Ha ha! Nobody who knows me at all would ever say I have 'nothing else to say!' It's getting me to shut up that's usually the problem. Actually, this is what gave me confidence in your writing: It's a fantasy story but there is no "evil villain." The main characters, in a way, are the villains because that's how they look from the outside and to society, but because we see the story from their perspective we know why they're doing it and we can see they're good people just trying to make their lives better; and that the people who are trying to stop them in each book (the antagonists) are just the people who are trying to do right by society and trying to make their own lives better and so there really is no villain like you'd usually see in a fantasy story; there is no bad guy and they're all good people trying to get what they want; they're just getting in the way of each other. That's a mature outlook. It gives us readers a conflict that we will become involved in, because we will come to see both sides of the issue—and maybe have to make a choice who to support. That's what life is like, most of the time. Fantasy rarely reflects real life, and so often is just for 'fun' and can become cliche. Your version sounds like a conflict that will be difficult to resolve (excellent from a storytelling point of view.) Unless the two sides can find common ground, one of the two will be left without what they need to exist—and that creates suspense AND story motivation. This sounds like the kind of story I would like to read. Someday. Once you finally get it finished. Now ...stop worrying and get writing again! I'm not saying you won't encounter writing problems and self-doubt along the way ...we all do ...but I think you've got the foundations of a great story already in place. Hopefully folks on this thread have given you a few things to think about, which is always helpful. Good luck, and have fun! NOW I'll shut up, because I have nothing else to say! And breakfast awaits ...
What the heck is a story? It's just random things happening. It doesn't even have to make sense or have a theme. The theme, really, just writes itself and should only reveal itself during writing; it shouldn't be planted. Take "Lost" it's just a mystery show and yet a theme and purpose comes out of it when they're not even trying. I don't even know if there is but you watch it until the end and all you know is that you like it and it keeps you going from episode-to-episode and it's just random things happening. They literally just make it up as they go; but of course it's following a logical pattern to fit it all but it's still mostly just being made up; their minds created the connection as they went because that's how the mind works; rationally. My story is just working the same way, I feel. Just random things happening to keep the audience entertained; you'd think the audience would see that they're being fooled so clearly; but that's what they want, isn't it? The only thing that gives it purpose - that it's not just random things happening and actually leading towards something and creating a theme - is the fact that it's the character's personalities and motivations that's driving the plot and the events happening. You'd think that if the audience knew this that would say, "Of course that's what's going to happen! This story is boring!" but that's not what they would say because a story is not about the events happening and watching it just to see what would happen; what the events are about is revealing the character, little by little and working its way seamlessly into the plot. That's how my story is different. My characters are unique, a story like this has not been done this way before with these characters; that's my twist I have over every other book. All those things that happen in my book that I feel are so pointless? Yes of course the events are pointless but it's not about the events because the events that happen are the events that happen in every book and so of course I feel they're cliche and going to be boring and expected to the book but that's not the point of them; the point is to reveal what my characters do in the story and in those very cliche situations to reveal how very different they are from every other character the audience has seen. That's the point. That's the point of a story. It's not to recreate the same thing every audience seen, it's to give the audience a new perspective and you do that with characters; when you do that with characters you get theme. How the characters react to all those very typical and cliche situations that we create and all know so well; that's theme. It doesn't have to create itself, it doesn't have to planted, it doesn't have to be intentional. The theme should be in the first paragraph when your character is introduced; the theme is who the character is. Everything after that is just reiteration and driving home the point of who your character is; the theme. Yes, my story is boring because the plot elements are the same as everyone has seen but the characters are not; that is the point.
I don't know why but I've been wanting to come back here and write my thoughts down again but I've been scared to. I think it's because I don't think anyone would care. But, for some reason, it's lifting to get out of my head and write my thoughts into words and bring it into reality. I feel I'm in my head so much, and I am, that sometimes I don't exist. That my thoughts here aren't real, that they're not important, that they're stupid, that I'm stupid, that I have nothing to say, that I'm worthless and pathetic and untalented and retarded. It's an awful feeling to have when I think back to having those thoughts about myself, and how awful they are to even have them or consider them about myself, and I wonder if anyone else has these thoughts or if I'm the only one and that that's why my life is so boring, pathetic, uneventful, and why I've dropped out of school many times and quit my part-time jobs many times and have no friends or have ever had a girlfriend. Why would I want to keep coming back here, why do I want to just talk about everything that I think is wrong with me? I just want to be what I envision and I think I'm this awesome person but then I go to a family event or my job or any social thing and I'm forced to talk and say my words out loud and I realize I'm not this awesome person and that I'm in fact a loser and I leave all this events feeling like crap about myself and never want to be social again; that I just want to stay by myself, with my books, and my TV, and my writing and pseudo-version I have about myself that no one can understand but me because when I try to act or talk in the cool and clever way that I think I do it just comes out like I'm retarded and socially-awkward and I feel I'm trapped in my head with this idea of myself that no one else can see because I don't know how to show it. It sucks and I get depressed and I'm starting to realize now that there is a difference from the moment people first meet me they expect me to be normal and social and fun but then they recognize something and I don't talk with them again in the same way. It's like they avoid me. It's like people see something else that I'm not seeing and like there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm just living in my head too much and I have this version of me that only I see and everyone else just sees an inferior and more handicapped version; I don't know but it sucks and it scares me and makes me want to kill myself; like, what if I'm retarded and everyone's just playing along and being nice and not telling me and I'm just stuck in my head and have this bliss about myself that no one else sees but no one wants to talk about because they're going, "Hey he's retarded and confident about himself why should I be the one to let him down and tell him or hurt his feelings?" At work and at social events I see how everyone is talking with each other and it's normal and fun and natural and then they get to me and it's always different. They don't look at me, they avoid me, the conversations don't flow as naturally as I see other people when they do it. I try to wonder what everyone else sees when they look at me and I see they see some quiet kid, who's twenty-three, working at McDonald's and never talks and has dropped out of college and that when he does talk it comes out as illogical and gibberish and they always have to ask "What?" again or they just end up leaving while I'm trying to talk to them and there's not even a break or a goodbye. At work I just stand there and unless there's something simple and logical that I can do and that I can understand and that's specific enough I can do it, but if there's something like coming up with an idea on my own, like stocking materials without having someone to tell me or starting a conversation with someone and not having seem forced, that's what I fail at; I need to know what I have to do and it has to be specific. I can't just stand there and have them expect me to know what to do if they at first didn't tell me what to do. Something vague like, just make sure the place is cleaned and stocked, is not specific enough. That little speck of dirt all over the counter, that half-full stock of merchandise that needs replenished? That all looks fine to me but then when the manager comes over and tells me to clean it and stack more cups he talks to me like I'm an idiot and like I didn't see what was wrong. But I did see what was wrong and I just didn't think it was "dirty enough" or "low enough" and I was just waiting until when it became urgent to do it. If they're going to be vague like that, they need to tell me, okay if it gets to "here" fill it or if it gets "this dirty" clean it. I didn't think it was dirty or that it needed stock, I didn't think it was enough yet, they were too vague, and then it's my fault that it wasn't done and they had to tell me do it. I feel at work I just stand there and brisk back and forth talking to myself in my head while everyone else is doing work and something useful and I just have to wait for customers to take their fucking orders. The new guy comes in and he's seventeen and I'm supposed to be smarter and better than them at this and they're already at drive thru and moving at a hundred miles an hour and I'm still at the front just acting like a retard. It's fucking embarrassing. I feel I'm smart, too smart, and I think I'm realizing it might just all be in my head. I like to read, I like to write, I like to figure out problems, and be logical and do math just for fun but when it comes to being social and doing anything involving my motor-skills or doing any kind of application out in the real world that any "normal" person could do I just fail and want to kill myself afterwards. It really sucks. Like, what if I am just trapped in my head and I'm unable to talk or act in the way that I want because I'm disabled or handicapped or something and everyone is just being too nice to tell me? If I'm not able to say or show that I'm being hurt by someone emotionally, then aren't they just going to think he's just John, he's retarded and doesn't understand, because I never talk about it or show it even though it's all in my head and the only way I'm able to say it is in this post because I can think clearly and and express my thoughts freely? I always have felt that something was wrong with me. I always read on posts by celebrities or someone with a mental illness that people always say, "oh yeah, I knew something was wrong with me from as young when I was five and had this and this experience," but I can't remember that far. I can remember maybe one or two instances from when I was eight or less than ten but that's it. My whole life I've just been told I was normal and I was in normal public school (not special-ed) but I never remembered having real friends or a social life. I stayed at home and played games in my head and on the computer and maybe had one friend who was my neighbor but we stopped hanging out when junior high came around and I don't know why; maybe I just liked being alone more. My uncle and aunt were all I really hanged out, that and my other family members as well, and they were rich and would make me laugh and it was fun and I never felt anything was wrong with me. I always just felt something was wrong with everyone else because in my head I was normal, if I then acted in the real world, and I did something wrong, I would blame them not me but it kept happening and it keeps happening and I feel I might be asperger's or retarded or just not know it. I feel trapped in my head and unable to express my thoughts in actions or words about my emotions because I'm unable to. I can't relate to anyone or have friends and I feel I piss people off with my stupidity because of how I apply myself to the real world. I just watch TV and sit on the computer all day and get mad when someone tries to help me be a better person like they're the weird ones and I'm not. Working at McDonald's I see a lot of homeless people and idiots and people who are really quiet and emotionless; and I can point them out immediately because the ten people previous to them who came in were completely normal and knew how to talk and make facial expressions and laugh and make it seem natural and I know they're that way because my co-workers are that way and they don't feel out of place and I take their order, give them their food and they move on and I don't think about them anymore. But it's the people who are different, the weird ones with their different subtleties who stick and stay in my head all day and I wonder, "Am I like that?" I wonder if I do because I know who the normal people are, I know how a normal person should act; I see it and I talk with them at work and it's natural and not awkward and I can see they're not struggling at all; I see they enjoy it. I don't enjoy it and I struggle immensely (is that even the right word or am I just trying to use some adjective that I want to use to show just how much more I struggle at this and with words and with talking with people than everyone else? I question everything I do that's out in the real and wonder if it was the right thing to do or say because every instance in my life so far - socially - has been a failure and no one tells me why. They just stop talking or walk away or don't say goodbye or look at me ever again. My whole life I thought that I was normal, that I was like everyone else, that those "normal people" that I watched all day - I thought I was like them and was natural but I'm not, I'm different). I see the retarded girl walking on her crutches up to the counter and it takes her entire mental capacity to order a hamburger and a large diet coke with two cups so that it doesn't slip out of her hand because she shakes so much and that someone else has to get it for her and after everyone that had come in that day, SHE is the one that I relate to most. I see that in her head she knows what to say, she knows what to do, but her body won't let her, it won't let her do it in the way that she wants, but she knows how, she knows it's pissing everyone off and that it's different but she's not stopping, she keeps going, she's there, she's ordering and giving me instructions on how she wants it because she knows her handicap but everyone is looking at her like she's retarded and she doesn't know what she's doing. But I see what she's thinking, I see what she's doing and I see that she understands; she understands it all, but that that's her life and she can't do anything about it. She's just unable to move without shaking or stuttering or without having to use a crutch to walk. Has people her whole life told her that she was retarded or did they just always say the right things to her and then move on to never talk to her again? It was probably the latter and her whole life she was probably told nothing was wrong with her except a little this and this because people know she has feelings but yet she knows something is wrong with her and she wonders why people avoid her. In her mind, she is sound; in her mind, she is not struggling; but out in the real world, like talking and walking and just giving an order, that's the hardest thing in the world for her to do and I can see that and I can relate to it and I wonder, am I the same? I am writing this long-ass post and you might think that I talk a lot but I don't, people will tell you I am the quietest person they know, but, in my head, this is what goes on, these long discussions with myself and how I don't understand the world and how I think everyone is doing something wrong but me but they're not, I'm the one that's different, I'm just trapped in my head and it's scary how real that is. It's why I can seem blissfully happy to people even though I'm disabled and have something wrong with me, it's because I don't something is wrong with me. I am so normal and smart in my head it's almost insane how people don't see it in the real world. But they don't see it and I'm just "that guy" who is quiet and who has to be told exactly what to do because I only act if my instructions are specific and are not vague. I cannot do something on my own if it's what someone else wants because I only know what I want and if someone tells me, "Can I get some ketchup?" I ask them specifically, angrily, "How many do you want?" Then they'll say, "Just a couple," and I'll say, "Three? Four?" and then they'll say, "Six," and then I go get it and am thinking, the whole time, "Why the fuck didn't they just say that? A couple means three or four and this person wanted six? What the fuck is wrong with them?" But there is nothing wrong with them, there is something wrong with me; and it's hard to admit that because admitting it will bring unhappiness to me (that sentence is awkward and I don't know how to rephrase it to express my feelings or emotions in any other way). Or when someone says can I get a soda or a vanilla shake, I have to say, "Small, medium, or large?" and I do it angrily because I see how much I'm annoying them by asking them that question and it's like, "How else am I supposed to know?" All people see when they look at me in a social situation is that I'm struggling. They don't know why and they don't know how but they see it. No one's ever told me that but I know it because I try to see how they see me when I'm talking to them and all that I see that they see is me trying to form words to complete a sentence that revolves around a thought in my head and it never comes out logically; it never comes out like it does in the movies or tv shows or in the way I see "normal people" saying them and it always comes out difficultly and not in the right way and using humor for me is difficult because I know what humor and I know what to say and how to say it to be funny but I just can't do it because I can never get the words right or the tone right to be funny and when I do it people are just always unsure if to laugh or not because they don't know if they'll be making fun of me or hurting my feelings or if it was even intentional; all that they see is some kid struggling to say and do something that they know knows understands their disability but is doing it anyway and the "normal people" don't know how to react. I look how normal people act and how they talk and how natural it is and I watch TV and movies and see everyone doing the same thing and because I've never been told directly about my disability, I just assume that I'm like all those normal people. But just because I just know how to act normally doesn't mean that that's what I'm doing, because I'm not; it's difficult for me and I feel like that girl in the crutches who talks in a high pitched voice and is shaking because I know she knows how to act normally but her body and words and mind just aren't letting her. I feel that I'm her but I don't feel inside that I am; I think that's why I like being alone so much; I don't feel so different. When I'm in a social situation (yes, that means just being with anyone) I feel that my body and mind just aren't letting me act in the way that I want and that I'm retarded or something and I feel that that has to be okay because that is my life and I can't change it. All I can do is express my pain and emotions in the way that I can and want (on this forum and in writing) because I feel that's the only way that I can because I clearly can't "show" or even "say" it. I feel can only write it and I don't feel that in any other way people can see my pain and struggle that I have to deal with when I'm with people because I suck that much socially. I can't even talk about my feelings but I can think them and I can feel them and I can try to write them like I am now. All my life I have known something is wrong with me. I can't point to you a specific moment or experience or instance to show or explain it to you but maybe that's only because it's everyday that it's like this. I don't have real friends, I have family that I hang out with and my cousin who is around my age who is completely normal and who I assume likes to hang out with me but I don't know why, maybe because I only laugh at his jokes and boost his confidence, but I'm not a fun person to hang around with I think when all I can talk about is wondering what's wrong with me. I can't talk about my goals or friends or some movie I watched like normal people because just doing any of those things or even thinking about doing them is such an accomplishment for me. It's not "just life" for me, those things are an event, and I hate small talk and talking about them. If I'm going to watch a movie, it has to be planned and meticulously organized. If I'm going to have friends, it has to be planned and analyzed. If I'm going to go back to school or get a job it has to be planned and it has to be "right" it can't just be spontaneous. My brain doesn't work like that. I will panic, I will freak out, I won't understand, I will want to go hide in my room and wonder what's wrong with me, I'll want to go back on my computer, read my book that I've read for the fourth time already or watch the same show that I'm obsessed with that month, or the game, or story I'm writing that I'm obsessed with in that moment; anything to keep me from having to do something that I don't understand or that I don't have a plan for or have figured out or is logical. I know my sentences are coming off as weird. I'm reading them and I see what I was trying to understand but they're not coming out "normally" I see that and I don't want to go over them and edit them. This is a first draft and I will not proofread it. I just want to get my thoughts on paper or in the real world for someone to see because I feel - I know - that I'm the only one who's having them and I can't express them in any other way to anyone else except when writing. This is, I believe, in the longest form and most efficiently expressed, anyone has ever heard about my struggles. I can't talk in this way, I can only write it, and I try to say them all the time in person but no one ever wants to hear it because I can never say it. I struggle, I can't learn, it's been too long, I'm 23 and I'm still not "normal" yet like everyone has told me. I'm different. I might have something wrong with me. And that's okay. Even though I might get depressed and want to kill myself over it one day because I'll never have sex or a girlfriend unless she has asperger's as well like me but I think that will be rare. I was born three months premature. With my twin and I see his quirks and differences as well and I wonder, "Am I like that?" and I've always thought I wasn't because my differences are different than his and I was always told I was normal. But I am different. More than him. I'm different in the way that I live in my head. That must be a scary thing to think about for someone who's reading this but I'm not unhappy it. I've been living with it and have adjusted my life to it and I have found happiness; it's just when I'm with people that my differences are pointed out and I feel bad about myself and realize something is wrong with me. All my life I have wondered what was wrong with me and being premature I always forget. Most humans born premature will have something wrong with them. Having asperger's tendencies is not really something wrong I feel. I feel it's a gift, a viewpoint no one else in the world can have but me. I see how normal people act and I wonder, "how boring it must be to be like everyone else," and I go back to living in my head and thinking about the complex things that I do that I feel no one else does and feel good about myself. There was a quote I heard or read or something that went, "It's only the people who can see the world differently that have the mind capable of changing it," and I feel I have that kind of mind. This is a writing forum, however, after all, and there should be something about writing. Well here it is. In my story I've always thought about it in pictures and emotions, not words. I know Karen is supposed to go on this adventure and that she has these "moments" of insecurity and doubt and fear and I can see it and feel it clearly in my head but when it comes to putting it in words and making actions out of it it's difficult. Writing this book is difficult. I know what happens, only I do though. When people ask me what my book is about I see it in my head and I've seen it there for years, the same images and the same characters and the same feelings, and I've been trying to put it in words but it's difficult because it doesn't feel "right." People ask me when I tell them I'm writing a book, "What is your book about?" and flashes of these "moments" pass by me in my head and I feel them and it makes me warm and I want to smile at the joy my book brings to me but the only thing I can say to their question is, "Umm, it involves, umm, these things," but I can never say what I want to say because I don't think in words, I think emotionally and in images and it sucks. People must think I have such a boring life but I don't feel I do. I just live in my head. I don't have a girlfriend or friends or a social life or do anything exciting but I'm not bored just because I don't have anything to show for it. I have ideas in my head that I hope one day the world will see and I can change it but because I don't know how I don't know if I ever will. Just writing this book and this series, I hope, will be enough. Asperger's Syndrome is defined by WebMD as these symptoms: Problems with social skills. Children with Asperger's syndrome generally have difficulty interacting with others and often are awkward in social situations. They generally do not make friends easily. They have difficulty initiating and maintaining conversation. I think this goes without saying for me. I'm already feeling I'm having a difficult time just explaining all of this to you that I feel all is wrong with me. Difficulty interacting with others and often are awkward in social situations? Yeah, that's me. That is the definition of me. I can't express to you how much I've felt that exact way in every time I'm in a social situation because it's ALWAYS difficult and awkward. It's never easy. They generally do not make friends easily? Yep. They have difficulty initiating and maintaining conversation? Yep, abso-fucking-lutely. You see how I can have emotion in my writing and you can see my frustration in it and that there's tone and a voice? I can't do that in real life. Saying "Abso-fucking-lutely?" in a way that comes off as funny and you can hear my emotion in my tone when I say it? I can't do that. It has to be "absolutely not" in the most boring and monotonistic way you've ever heard even though in my head I knew I should have said it funny like that like a normal person would but I couldn't. It's too hard for my brain to do just do something like that in the real world, it's hard for me to do anything in the real world. I don't make friends easily and I abso-fucking-lutely can't initiate or maintain a conversation without having it be the most difficult thing in the world and it is so difficult that I revolve my entire life around avoiding it. Eccentric or repetitive behaviors: Children with this condition may develop odd, repetitive movements, such as hand wringing or finger twisting. No one has ever pointed anything like this out to me so how would I know I do these things? My sister does tell me that when I have my long hair I twirl it in my finger so much when I'm talking with someone or just being by myself that it almost falls out. Or when I'm in a conversation with someone and it's not going the way I want (like they all do) I start patting my leg with my hand really fast because the anxiety is overwhelming me and I don't know how to express it in words or in actions other than in anger with my hand and I just want to tell them to SHUT UP and leave me alone but I know it's not the right thing to say or do and so I just nervously twitch and pat myself or something else until it's over. People probably look at me like I'm crazy and don't see how much I'm struggling because I'm not showing it or saying it or doing it other than twitching and going crazy in my head and looking like about to erupt. God, how it must suck to be everyone who has to be around me. No one wonder I don't have friends or a girlfriend - I can't talk to anyone without having it be the most difficult thing in the world. Unusual preoccupations or rituals: A child with Asperger's syndrome may develop rituals that he or she refuses to alter, such as getting dressed in a specific order. I've always thought this was normal but I like to wear the same thing for about two weeks before I decide it's not normal to change into something else. I don't like my hair in any other way other than the way it is when I wake up or get out of the shower and I don't like to wear clothes that are bright or could bring attention to me. I don't like to be spontaneous with my style and, honestly, I wish the thought of style that everyone always seems to be stressing out about didn't even exist because I feel it annoys people that I don't have a style with my clothes or keep up on my hygiene because I just don't care about it and would just rather keep things the same for as long as possible before changing them. Some people just call me lazy but I would seriously have a panic attack if I was forced to change my clothes everyday and shower because I would just blow up and say to them - no, yell at them! - because I would say, "Why do you care! I don't want to! Just leave me alone!" and they would think they'd actually be helping me because if I had a style and better hygiene that I would have friends and not a so boring life but my mind just doesn't work like that. I really don't care about my style or hygiene, but everyone else seems to about theirs and it's the weirdest thing to me to see because, why don't they just not care like I do? You see, I feel THEY are the weird ones and that it's not me. How messed up is that? If that's not asperger's syndrome, I don't know what is. Communication difficulties: People with Asperger's syndrome may not make eye contact when speaking with someone. They may have trouble using facial expressions and gestures, and understanding body language. They also tend to have problems understanding language in context and are very literal in their use of language. Oh, eye contact. Fuck you, eye contact. I'm aware of it every time I'm with this someone and I go, "make eye contact, make eye contact," and then when I do I look away and the whole conversation in my head becomes not about what's being said but about whether I should be making eye contact with this person. You see, social cues like that are so freaking difficult for me to understand, interpret, or apply, that it overwhelms me that much that I can't think about anything else other than what that person's face is looking like and doing and what mine is doing as well and I can't even enjoy what's being said even though I know I'm supposed to. On the inside I'm just freaking out about all these social cues the other person is giving me and trying to interpret them while also trying to keep up with the conversation about what's being said that I already have half-forgotten because I was so worried just about making eye-contact. So, you - a normal person - do you have problems like these? I don't think so. You just see some kid who is acting like a retard wondering why it is so difficult for this person just to make eye-contact and saying something when it's the most easiest thing in the world for you to do. So yeah, I can see how people could think I was different. I know how to act in my head and I know what I should be saying in my head to have a normal conversation, but all the social cues and what I should be doing with my own body that I'm trying not to have come out as offensive because doing anything with my body while talking to someone is the most difficult thing to do, is something I know how to do in my head but is the most difficult thing to do out in the real world because of all these things that are happening with the other person. Communication difficulties? Yeah, this whole post. Limited range of interests: A child with Asperger's syndrome may develop an intense, almost obsessive, interest in a few areas, such as sports schedules, weather, or maps. My interests and things I like are not as specific and boring as those things but I could define my life into chunks that can be identified by the things I was obsessed with in them. Like Diablo 2, poker, and now writing this story. I've done really nothing but those three things in my life and I feel I've gotten pretty good at them despite having all of them having failed so far. I'm dumb apparently but I'm not dumb in my head I feel, I feel I'm just dumb applying it which is what dumb is. Fuck. Coordination problems: The movements of children with Asperger's syndrome may seem clumsy or awkward. I've always thought that my awkwardness and clumsiness looked "cool" but it's probably not. Acting "normal" and being normal just seems so boring to me. Remember that thing I said about having difficultly with social cues? How I act and posture myself around people is a big thing I think about and acting normal and boring and being straightforward I don't like. I like being clumsy and awkward and doing things in weird ways because I think they look cool but I probably look dumb. Maybe that's why I have no friends. Skilled or talented: Many children with Asperger's syndrome are exceptionally talented or skilled in a particular area, such as music or math. Oh math. My one true thing I like in this world. Math gets me. I was born for math. I'm jizzing in my pants right now just thinking about it. Going from one logical step to the next and figuring out the answer. I see writing my book as just one big math problem figuring out all the different holes and plots and characters and working the scenes and making it flow in a logical manner. I am not near finishing it but I am getting there, figuring out what problem at a time until my whole idea is out on paper. It's going to be great. I guess a normal person would tell you how they graduated with a math degree at the age of twelve or found it really easy and would just go on and on about all their accomplishments with math because they like it so much but I'm not like that. All I can see in my head is that it excites me and knowing that there's an answer and that it's just waiting to be solved and then you're REWARDED because you solved it. You see, if all math problems just have one solution, then the only thing in your way between the problem and the solution is you and the time you put into it in solving it. There is nothing else in your way. That's how beautiful math is. That's why I love applying math to my book and trying to figure it out like it's a math problem and that it has to be logical. There has to be an inciting incident, a complication, a climax and a resolution and there has to be characters and a theme and a problem and subplots and there has to be scenes and each scene has to flow logically from the next and at the end there has to be presented one big idea, a point of view; and that once I've figured out all the variables a story needs I'll have enough to write it. This probably seems like a terrible way to write a book and not fun at all but for someone whose brain works the way mine does, it's the most fun math problem there is because it's fusing being social and using math at the same time. All math is is logic, it's not numbers. Numbers are derived from logic. If I want to create a trashcan with the right dimensions to fit exactly under the sink I will have to get out a piece of paper and write numbers on it of the size of under the sink but if I build the trashcan to do that it wasn't because I was good at numbers that did that, it would be because I was good at logic. Eh, that wasn't the way I wanted it to go but basically math is being smart and thinking smart and that numbers are used to capture the abstract that can't be said. When you look at four chairs you think of four chairs. Do you count them individually in your head? What about the legs, the pieces of wood? Whatever, I don't where I'm going with this, I don't think in words, I think in flashes of brilliance, and have a difficult time putting it in words. I think if someone who knew me read this they would have a different opinion of me and that the first thing they would say to me after reading it would be, "I didn't even know that you thought like this. I just see you drooling and staring at the wall." I think I have asperger's syndrome. What do you think? Would a normal person write something like this?
I think you need to take a step back here. You are overwhelming yourself because you are thinking of 7-8 books now, but you haven't even gotten the first one in a place where it can be workshopped. This is an issue people have in achieving all sorts of goals and it derails people all the time. They want to lose weight, but instead of going into the gym and starting to work out a couple times a week, they read and debate over countless workouts that are used by body builders to eek out 300 lb bench press. Sure the person can't even do a 100 lb bench at this point, but why even bother trying to hit that goal if they aren't on the right path to bench 300 in 4 years? So lets simplify, (ill use madmen since you used it as an example) What is the overall concept of your story? - Life in a 1960's Ad agency What is the concept of the First Book/Season? - Secretary Peggy Olsen meets her new boss, industry legend Don Draper. As Peggy strives to prove herself in this male dominated world, the history of her enigmatic boss begins to be revealed. Is this over simplified? yes. Does it accurately describe the first season of the show? yes. Sometimes you need to boil your idea down to its most basic form in order to get started. In truth, if you can't simplify a story like this, there is no way you are ever going to pitch the idea to a publisher. So for the time being i think you would benefit from answering those 2 questions. Ignore the ideas you have for books 3-4 down the line, since at this point those dont matter. In order to drive from Chicago to LA the first thing you need to know is how to get to St. Louis.
Lost had a very defined theme before they even started making it. They had a detailed framework and 30 episode concepts in place before they even started filming the show. Now you are correct that they kept a lot of things fluid, but my feeling is that you are thinking that the producers were just running around a beach with a camera going "wouldn't it be cool if this happened?" and that is totally not the case. They had a general concept "A plane crashes stranding the many survivors on secluded island in the middle of the pacific ocean. The passengers initial focus on being rescued quickly shifts to survival as they discover that this island is not all it appears" Then they wrote each season like an author would write a book. So season 1 is book 1. It fits in the overall concept, but then adds a theme of its own. Each season then builds on the mythology that they have already created. The plot points in season 5 can not exist without the groundwork laid in season 1. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop look at the completed works of an entire TV series as the starting point for your book. Before Lost was a 6 season long TV series that had weaved an intricate web of mythology, it was a single season that was about people stranded on a weird island.
@drifter265 - It's possible you have Asperger's, but seeing as I'm not a professional in these fields, I cannot make an assessment, and no one else on this forum could either, unless they were formally trained. However, it's obvious to me that you're confused and angry and yes, as you said, you're different. There are things in your head you want to get out and you feel you can't. My understanding is that you feel highly misunderstood and it's like you have no voice. My honest advice to you is this: seek professional help and therapy that can help you deal with everything you're feeling and thinking, a professional who can help you express all the things you want to express. Perhaps some kind of therapy. I don't necessarily mean talking - stuff like art therapy, music therapy etc could be of great help, potentially. Get tested for Asperger's, if that's what you suspect you have. Seek out other people with Asperger's and see how they have come to cope with their lives and seek support from them, because they are the people who will really understand because they've had to live it. Whatever you do, don't stay trapped in yourself like this. Get tested on what condition you might have, get the help you need from the appropriate professionals and therapy, and seek others like yourself. You don't have to be alone.
