I saw this was suggested in another thread, so I thought I'd start it. Share your story's first paragraph for others to give you feedback. (To the mods: If this somehow violates a rule per critiquing, feel free to delete my thread and beat me with Twinkies.)
This thread really makes me realize how bad I am about having my opening paragraph be a single line. How about one of those? (I'm thinking about posting this entire story, if only it were a tetch shorter.) They laid her to rest behind the old watermill, in a small pine box under a pine tree, and Rey tried to tell himself that this would be okay because she'd always loved the smell of them.
I like it, but it almost sounds like she enjoys the smell of pine boxes, even if I know that's not what you meant. I'd nix the mention of the pine box, or maybe specify "...smell of the forest/grove in spring/summer."
Yeah, I think I initially had 'pine' again instead of 'them' to prevent the confusion/weirdness, but it was too repetitive. I like the idea of substituting forest or grove instead. Thanks!
I agree, "pine" more than twice would be too repetitive. I do like the idea of the pine box, for what it's worth.
"The creature looked up at the massive hunk of meat which was descending in its direction. It quickly scurried away but its feet could not carry it faster than its predator could attack. It finally stared up at the wooden ceiling as the enemy descended. It prayed to any god in existence that it would find a better place. Where the rulers were not so cruel and that it could eventually find happiness. It closed its eyes and finally, burst from the inside as the heavy weight slammed itself upon the victim. Its brethren watched, in the safer corners of the house, in horror. " I am worried about this opening because it is just an introduction to the much more important second paragraph where you discover that it was just a cockroach trying to escape the protagonist. I tried introducing the protagonist in a more exciting way as well as describing that he is living in a run-down place infested with roaches which is important to his current everyday life. Do you think this is effective and gripping or do you think I should scrap it?
Your opening is interesting, but the roach isn't the protagonist. An opening like this could work, though, from your protagonist's POV. If you're familiar with "Calvin & Hobbes," you know several strips depicted scenes from Calvin's imagination. If your protagonist is given to flights of fancy, then it would make sense for him to think of himself as a mighty warrior hunting down the beast. As an exercise, I did something similar, where I had my protagonist deeply concerned about a troubling situation he was meant to handle. He went through preparations like a soldier or doctor. Mask, check. Gloves, check. Coveralls, check. Weapon, check. As you go down the list, it gets clearer and clearer what he's going for, but it's not until the end of the paragraph you realize he's a janitor with a mop for a weapon, and his "foe" is a clogged and dirty toilet. It ends on a humorous note as he goes in, his eyes go to the ceiling, and he exclaims, "How does that even get there?" If you do something like that, then I think it could work, but it's going to be disjointed if you don't start from your protagonist's POV.
This actually sounds like the the perfect way to fix it. This was a way of introducing the protagonist as very eccentric and comical character and sets the humorous undertone, because he then bows his head in respect of his "fallen adversary". I think starting with his POV will make it a much better introduction.
The man looked down at his six-legged adversary with great respect and understanding. He knew that this would be considered an unfair duel because of his imposing structure. It did not upset him though. It was the decision taken by this creature to trespass on his home. Without warning, he began his attack. Slamming down on the creature perhaps a dozen times as it struggled to weave its way out of his onslaught. At last the man called upon his powers of intellect. He confused the creature with a slam of his hand right in front of it thereby stopping its direct movement. In the creatures confusion the man found enough time to slam his fist down on the table thereby crushing the trespasser. The creatures brethren could only watch in horror as it was instantly defeated. Sorry to turn this into a workshop thread, promise it'll be the last Thoughts?
A solid brick prison in which the inmates joined clubs based in a popularity food chain. Other people may call it school it, but I have a different name for it, prison. I mean think about it; there’s a dress code you have follow, people tell you what to do, and you spend a certain time in rooms. That’s how high school feels like more to me. Well good thing for me that graduation is right around the corner, am I right? That’s what people say at least, and by people I mean my mom. I’m not one for taking random ass advice from strangers. My mom is partially a stranger, so clearly I don't follow my own advice.
A solid brick prison in which the inmates joined clubs based in a popularity food chain, too bad my friends and I are at the bottom of that food chain. Sorry. I not good at English.
No. I don't rewrite people's work. The hard work belongs to you. Here is one of my resources to help people lacking in English. https://www.writingforums.org/resources/english-grammar-101.152/ Spend the next 6-8 months learning the concepts taught through that resource. -OJB
Got my reservations about this thread, but until someone says otherwise, I'll chime in. "Meat" makes it seem like the creature (roach) is interested in eating it, and "predator" makes it seem like the (man) is interested in eating the roach.
The dawn was calm as it patiently waited for the sun to make its appearance. The boys stood outside their family home as Enapay went through his morning ritual. With eyes closed, his hands moved in a tumbling motion as he slowly turned in a circle. His older brother Chayton grew impatient. “Hurry up! I don’t want to be late because of you!” he grumbled. Enapay ignored him as he worked through his final exercises designed to strengthen his focus. Satisfied with his practice, a smile ran across his face. Now I’m ready, he thought. Opening his eyes, he gave his brother a quick glance and they hastily departed. The light fog that had risen from the river swirled around their legs as they ran like deer among the rows of tepees. From the novella "The Village" by Mark Lemohr
Teddoca, second planet in the Beta Adriana system. One of a dozen core systems in the heart of the Star Empire of Humanity. Freehold, the capitol city of Tedoca Primus. The Imperial Palace of His Majesty, King Ullus Fernaan, Imperial Regent of Beta Adriana. In the restricted quarter of the palace keep, two Imperial Navy officers walk down a lonesome hallway, dreading their upcoming appointment.
It had been snowing for the best part of 24 hours. 100 miles to the south the snow had yet to reach those parts. All angles and sharp edges on the landscape replaced with a bulbous vista. It looked to a child much like a giant sticky marshmallow had exploded over the town covering everything in sight with its goo. The on setting whiteout blizzard driving hard and unrelenting against my face. They call it snow blindness for a reason. Seeing anything with this bitter northerly was making it almost impossible to navigate the terrain. The horrendous conditions only adding to the lack of people out on the street. A small win but a win all the same. It was at times like this having a whiter body would be preferable. Having such a bold colour in these conditions robbed me of any anonymity. The black and white contrast now obvious to anyone crazy enough to be out in this god awful weather. I've just started to patter on the keys so am aware this is quite amature. I know I need to use dialouge to pick the pace of things up and I'm probably doing too much telling and not enough showing.
From a short written a few years ago, nothing too exciting per-se. I have no idea why this is so hard. My hand shaking with a lit cigarette. Already half way through my third in ten minutes. That feeling of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. Taking another long drag, I tell my self to calm. You are going to survive this, I think to myself. Every fiber of my being wanting to get out of here, I take another drag. Ash falling sporadically from nervous shaking. Either way I will have to pass through and go where I fear. I have no idea what is so frightening about going in there. It is not like there is something horrific inside. Not like they mean any ill will to anyone right? Snuffing out the spent smoke with my foot, I slowly trudge to the door. Each step heavy with the weight of dread.
I'm confused why you are trying to make this one sentence. Take 'and' out and make it two sentences. I think in this case it's OK to have 'pine' three times. Sometimes you want word repetition for effect. They laid her to rest behind the old watermill, in a small pine box under a [big] pine tree. Rey tried to tell himself that this would be okay because she'd always loved the smell of pine. I added 'big' to contrast with 'small'. It's an option to improve cadence.
I like long sentences in general, and for this specifically I wanted "they laid her to rest" and "this would be okay" to be in the same 'thought' so to speak. I do have a bad habit of opening with ones that're too much, but I'm not sure that I agree this one is a problem for its length. I like the addition of 'big' though. I'd have to look at my current draft to be sure but I believe I took Sclavus's advice and made that 'them' into 'the forest' instead, so I'm not worried about the repetition. Thanks for the comments!
The doctor checked his watch and said those words to make it official “Time of death, 1033pm”. The police were already in attendance at the traffic collision between the two cars. PC Davidson was the policeman in attendance, “Where is the victims belongings? I'm going to have to notify the family.”
Hello everyone. This is currently the opening paragraph of the first short story I intend to publish. "Lisa Guerra had landed a permanent job, and it had not been her idea. She had temped for as long as one conceivably could before a succession of fortunes had won her an interview at the Royal College of Dentistry, and the post being offered her had come as much a surprise as it had an unwelcome disruption of her affairs. Eluding permanent work had long been Lisa’s means to keep unofficial the fact that her professional life, one she had envisaged to strictly involve art, had for years confined her to the mirthless world of clerical administration. Until then she had been reasonably effective at entertaining the poetic impression that she was, like others she knew, an artist in the somewhat sluggish making whose irregular office jobs were a means to sustain tolerable standards of living. This cheerful perspective had helped sustain the argument that her success as an artist, even in its unhappening, was the honourable ground on which her ardent devotion to three-month assignments stood. But the stern reality of her new predicament left no room for hopeful interpretation. Lisa was now, officially, a full-time Administrator." Among other things, I've been hesitating between "eager" and "ardent" devotion. I tend to like being intense in my descriptions, and given it's a satire I thought I'd go with ardent. The idea, essentially, is that she hates admin work too much to seek to be tied to a permanent role. Your thoughts are welcome.
