I am trying to get this query letter right I would really appreciate some feedback. I introduce Moonbeam. A contemporary crime novel complete at 55k. Danny felt safe tucked away in the little Welsh seaside town. He just wanted to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid, now-and-then. But Megan, Facebook and a lost camera card collide and drag him back out into the open. He needs to choose; keep running, and leave Megan, Joe and Celia to the mercy of Ralph Teller, the gangster who was hunting him. Or head down to London and end this thing. Within two days, two are dead. Within another two, he’s arrested and being blackmailed by a bent cop, who is jockeying for position between rival drug dealers. By the end of the week, he needs to rescue Celia from Teller. In the process, a few more shit-heads die and he loses the one surviving member of his old army troop, Mouse. Problem is, the bent cop who still has hard evidence that could send both Danny and Megan to jail, is now owned by the remaining gangster. Danny needs an ally, one who can neutralise, DI Skelton. Then he can get back to his boat, some peace, but most of all, Megan.
I really like this idea after reading it once, so I read it twice. Please add these commas. It makes more sense with them. Megan, Facebook, and a lost camera card Megan, Joe, and Celia Within two days, two are dead. Who are the two who are dead? I'd like to know if you can say. By the end of the week, he needs to rescue Celia from Teller. Why? I'd like to know this too if you can say. shit-heads is one word: shitheads. Also now and then doesn't need hyphens. Is the army troop important? It hasn't come up until the second paragraph. It doesn't make sense to me with the rest of what you've written. Is there another gangster and that's why he's "remaining?" I didn't understand this. Who is DI Skelton? The one who can neutralise? This didn't make sense either. I think if you can clear these things up and I can read it again, I'll have better input for you. I do like the premise of your book so I think that's big. Good luck.
This letter has been through many changes since I first posted it. My most recent effort, one that I have used is this. Dear.. In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller with series potential, complete at 78,800 words. The problem with hiding from the Tellers is they never stop hunting you. Danny feels safe tucked away in a little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. When he meets and falls for the captivating Megan, a Facebook post she makes inadvertently drags him back out into the open. Danny is torn. The ruthless gangster Ralph Teller blames him for the death of one of his brothers, and now Megan is in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph. However, two of Teller’s henchmen show up, and in a violent confrontation with SAS trained Danny, they both die. As he watched the bodies they’d trussed slip into the sea with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, Danny is acutely aware that he and Megan are now complicit in murder, and if they don’t ‘deal’ with Ralph soon, they face a similar fate. MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they look for a way to get at Ralph, while contending with the machinations of a greedy, bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival. MOONBEAM will appeal to fans of Robert Galbraith’s Strike series, and the TV series, Gangs of London, created by Gareth Evans. Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing. Thank you for your consideration. Francis de Aguilar
I like this one so much better. Great job reworking it. I wrote a few notes under each paragraph. Use them if you like. Sorry it’s just in parentheses. I wrote this in my notes on my phone. The problem with hiding from the Tellers is they never stop hunting you. (New word for hunting. It sounds kind of blah to me). Danny feels safe tucked away in a little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. When he meets and falls for the captivating Megan, a Facebook post she makes inadvertently drags him back out into the open. (What’s the post? Can you say?) Danny is torn. The ruthless gangster Ralph Teller blames him for the death of one of his brothers, and now Megan is in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph. However, two of Teller’s henchmen show up, and in a violent confrontation with SAS trained Danny, they both die. (I didn’t know what SAS was, but I’m American. Also after reading the next paragraph, I thought Danny was the only one who killed the two. Then you think Megan was involved too). As he watched the bodies they’d trussed slip into the sea with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, Danny is acutely aware that he and Megan are now complicit in murder, and if they don’t ‘deal’ with Ralph soon, they face a similar fate. (Tell more about “deal.” I’d like to know what that means even though I get it). MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they look for a way to get at Ralph, while contending with the machinations of a greedy, bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival. (The greedy, bent cop seems to appear out of nowhere to me. I don’t know what to make or do with him even though he’s certainly necessary).
