I sometimes felt like I couldn't be or wouldn't ever be a writer. Pretty sure ya'll can relate. Just because I couldn't write everyday, or some days were hard, or I managed an hour or a few pages and yet I kept thinking: "It still not writing 8 hours a day good!" or replace that with whatever imagery and emotion you attach to the idea of The Perfect Author. It's probably how you imagine your favorite authors as they slave over in a cute cottage at their desk to produce your favorite novel. Or maybe you've got this romantic stylized ideal of the author lifestyle. We all do it, and we all have our fantasies. It's a goal. Our desire to achieve this little slice of heaven that we dreamt for ourselves. But we just don't have the ethic. We aren't disciplined enough. Our writing isn't all that great. Why wouldn't the next person also pass on our work? Holy. Crap. I didn't sign up for this! To write? YES! but not to fill my love and dreams with a miasma of anxiety and doubt. Covid-19 and the usual horrors of the world are doing a bang up job of that already. I can give myself better. Did you ever work out? I did. I managed 5 pushups before my arms gave out. In a week? I managed to end up easily at 10. Half a week later; I was at going for 20 and getting closer every day. So... Why when do I write a page; or a paragraph; or jot down the outlines of my scenes in my journal; why do I compare myself to this person, or this personal ideal of myself, that exists in the future? They've been writing for years! They've already got the practice and daily struggle down. We just started. So, good job on your page or paragraph. But you do it everyday, right? Eventually it's a lot of practice and actual, tangible writing. So, don't worry if you can't "push up" as many pages per day as your perfectionist-self demands. You're getting there, you're doing the "work out" everyday. If you can't do 100 push ups, and you force it, you will literally break. So, why do you expect your untrained writing brain to be able to handle an intensive 8 hour work load? That ideal? That's your goal. That's that perfect sense of control and place of being. So don't compare yourself to your dream. It's a beacon to guide you to your personal cherished success; not a being that is beyond or strange to you. So, you didn't sign up for this depressing self-made predicament. Write, and love the rides your imagination takes you on.
