I don't know what else to do but post this:

Hi.

I feel you @ILaughAtTrailers. I really do, but everybody here has been spot on and supportive. I too know the fun of being an insecure man, always getting rejected by women. I know it sucks, but hey that's life and don't let it get you down. I can tell you from exp. that looks are not what makes for a good time. I was with a very beautiful woman for 9 years (married for almost 5 of them). A lot of our relationship was fighting and sex (also other things, and yes we loved each other, but we simply made mud). Still to this day I am trying to figure out how that relationship worked. Anywho, back to my point. Dating is complicated (at least here in America, not sure about the rest of the world ), and is more of an art than actual science. You have to figure out what will work for you, and be sincere in your approach. The more physically attractive the potential partner is, the stigma of getting rejected increases due to ones feelings of not being worthy. Only so many outcomes may occur in the interaction:

1. She says no.
2. She says yes.
3. You become her friend.

Be yourself, and be comfortable with yourself. Rejection happens to everyone (even the attractive people). You have to sift through potential partners, and try to find the ones that are a good fit for you. I know it sounds weird, but avoid those that have ridiculous 'standards' in place (i.e. specific height requirements, body type, etc.). Those types are far to shallow to have meaningful relationships with, because they lack qualities us 'Nerds' look for. Seek out those that enjoy having decent conversations, and all the good qualities you are looking for. Beauty is a perception of what is on the inside. Having an emotional relationship is far more rewarding than a physical one. Don't get me wrong sex is fine and dandy, but you can get burnt out on it if you don't feel an attachment to the other person.

And because I cannot stress this enough, it is ok to be rejected. Given enough time it rolls off like water on a duck, and you don't even care about it so much anymore. So be yourself, be honest, and be sincere. Don't give up, there is a good lady out there looking for a nerdy guy like you. You just haven't found each other yet. Good luck, and go forth like a Boss! You got this.

 

I don't like this word, "rejection." If you slave on a story for months, submit it to a magazine, and they decline it, that's rejection. If you date someone for years, then ask them to marry you, and they say no, that's rejection. If you happen to run into a girl,who is just one out of the hundreds of thousands you find attractive, and for whatever reason, one or both of you aren't feeling it, and that particular interaction doesn't go anywhere, that's not rejection.

 

My two crushes in the same quarter can’t look at me for any reason.


I think I'm creeping them out or are scaring them for some reason. I am at university and it's my first quarter returning after a two year break. There were two girls that I was interested in who just did not look at me. I don't know why. I'm white and I think I'm good looking but I think maybe I give off a troubled vibe like I would hurt them. I am twenty-four and have never had a girlfriend. I kind of have been a recluse my whole life so far. I seem to be making friends easily so far however.

With the first girl, I was in a group project with her with six people: me, three girls, and two guys who are all fat, nerdy, or extremely jewel. So we're in the group project and of course everyone starts talking and contributing. My crush is very open, casual, social, and is talking with everyone -- except me. When I'm talking, her head is deep in her computer or her notes. It was so weird because she talked so casually with everyone but not me ever. Like no matter how minuscule the conversation was. I was so hurt. I don't know why she did it. Over the course of the few weeks, I tried to talk to her, make small talk and she always answered me and what not and seemed to be comfortable, but then she would just return to ignoring me. It was like, "please get out of here, you're creeping me out, I don’t want you to ask me out" FWIW, I caught the nerdy girl several times staring at me and she sometimes wouldn't even look away, like she wanted me to know. She's not attractive. She didn't talk to me ever neither but at least she wasn't like my crush and just ignoring the hell out of me like I should die. Even when I was mentioning when we should meet again, something as small as this she would talk to the fat guy and the jewish guy and nod her head and stuff at them but with me it was like I was stupid or something and she just didn't care about anything I had to say. So the group project finished and nothing ever happened. If she had just looked at me once or said anything I probably would have asked her out. But she didn't. I think she did it because she didn't want to give me any sign that she liked me so that she wouldn't get asked out because I'm a creep.

The second girl in the same quarter is in math. I sit in the back and she sits in the front. She looks at me for never more than a few seconds but always passes my desk -- everyday I might add because this class is five days a week -- when she could easily just go around but she doesn't. It was puzzling. I kept thinking like something is up. I liked her obviously and was constantly taking glances at her. She had a friend in the class and while they were talking together, the friend always kind of caught me looking at the other girl and her back like a few times. I don't know why. Anyway, after the quarter, I find out this chick is in the same dorm-area as me, and I walk by her twice on the first day back. I try to look at her just once so I can talk to her but she just blatantly stared at the ground or looked in the other direction like she was scared of me. I was crushed. I don't know what's wrong with me.

 

Smile, introduce yourself, and see where things go. You can do this. Use the handshake introduction method.

Now give it a try:

"Hi, I am (name)(extend hand). We are in (class course) together, and I thought I would say hello." Or "Hi can you help me with (assignment) that I am having trouble with?" Each approach has its advantages.

She is not scared of you, you are more scared of her.
I know confidence is a hard thing to muster up, but try to have some. Worst case she shoots you d0wn. But you won't know unless you try sparking a conversation. Dating is tough, so lace up your boots and face the challenge, soldier.
No more excuses, your challenge is to start making female friends. This will help you feel more comfortable, and allow you to talk about things with women. With out the aspect of dating. So spread those wings and learn to fly.

 

Your problem is that you suffer from flawed thinking, as a result of social inexperience and virginal preconceptions about life. You suspect that the reasons your crushes are ignoring you is that they're intimidated by your good looks, and you think the fact that this "nerd" girl looks at you confirms this. At 24 years old, you really cannot afford to be thinking like that. Stop looking at interactions with females as a mission to date, and start just enjoying the conversation for the sake of talking, especially if the girl is attractive. I understand and empathize with your insecurity, but you can only fix that from within- counting who stares at you and who doesn't is better left for teenagers.

I'm also not sure what this business is about you being white, or why you think that matters?

 

Hey. You're turning this into a MASSIVE roadblock for yourself. Sitting home with a blanket over your head stewing about how everything you ever try to do is doomed to failure is ...well, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don't think there is anybody here on the forum who hasn't felt scared about being turned down in love. Trust me, it can happen at any stage of a relationship—not just at the start. If you want a relationship you must understand that it's going to be fraught with risk from day one.

Falling in love is the most risky thing you can do, because it's hard to come back when you've been turned down, especially after years of being with somebody. However, the rewards are (usually) worth the risk.

It sounds to me as if you're looking for a risk-free way to get a lover, and there isn't one. Not for you, not for anybody.

I very much doubt that any of us here on the forum have never been turned down or left for somebody else. We've all been there. Rejection in love is so common it's almost not worth mentioning. It takes time and trial to find a girlfriend/boyfriend who is in it for the long haul.

One thing is certain, though. If you continue to obsess about the act of attempting to get a girlfriend, you won't. Not because you're unattractive, weird, horrible, rotten, stupid etc, but because you never get out of the starting gate. Or if you do get out of the gate, you lose the race, and so you never race again.

Perhaps 'asking her out' is a bit premature at this stage. However, instead of you waiting for her to notice you, and concocting all sorts of reasons for why she doesn't, why don't you 'notice' her instead?

Just smile and say 'hi' when you pass her in the hallway. If she responds positively, then it will be easier next time. And pretty soon, after saying hi a lot, you will find a way to start a conversation. If you're in the same class, and live in the same part of campus, etc, you'll run into her a lot.

Put your best self forward, and concentrate on finding out what HER best self is. Don't imagine a personality for her. Find out what it actually is. She is a real human being. She'll have flaws as well as attributes. Don't turn her into a piece of unattainable fiction in your head.

If she doesn't respond to your 'hi' or gives you the cold shoulder, then you might try doing it one more time. If she still doesn't respond ...then let her go. She's not interested. She is not 'the one.' Don't stalk her. That is weird. Don't run for cover. That doesn't get you anywhere.

Just. Move. On.

The more chances you take, the better your overall chance of success will be.

 

Being white isn't an advantage in dating. It's a little bit of an advantage societally, but a good number of white people actually prefer non-white people, just as there are non-white people who prefer white people. Personally I've never understood race based preferences. Any race can be just as easily sexy to m.e
Anyway, I suspect that the trick to dating is probably, like most human interaction, to treat it like a normal conversation, to a degree. Apply certain standards and tricks or whatever but don't let them consume who you are and who they are. Just kind of talk to them. But I really wouldn't know about this or really social stuff much either so
Oh yeah, I should mention I'm Asperger's and I feel you on finding interaction difficult. I spend a lot of time worrying about how I come off. It's not as easy for me as other people, 'cause my brain is weird. Just talk to people you know about this; especially people like your parents who would be more experienced and know you well. I know my parents give good advice, and they understand me well so they can give that advice well in the context of me.

 

I don't think this is about love yet. One of the main issues is he hasn't really talked to them. So all he can really say is he likes their appearance and the few things he does know. I think it's better than it's not some "love at first sight" thing, because there's less pain. If this was about relations with his long-term wife it would be worse because there's much more to lose. These are just some girls. Agree heartily with everything else you said.
@ILaughAtTrailers, don't worry about this as much as you are. There are really more fish in the sea, it's true. And you don't seem to be in love so it shouldn't be very difficult to move on when you barely know them. Just talk to them, then ask them out once you've got a little time to know them and get it over with before it becomes worse. If you succeed then you get what you want quicker. If they reject you immediately, that's actually good, there's less wait for the pain. Extending everything out by agonizing on whether to even go up to them will make it more painful and waste time thinking about it all. Of course, don't rush into it, but that's not really much of a risk here, is it? You've had time to think. Go, go, go.

 

Yes, totally. I hope I didn't give the impression that I think he's already in love with this girl. He is falling in love with somebody who doesn't yet exist. A different thing altogether.

 

Yep, which is why I still don't believe in love at first sight. But that's a conversation for a different time and a different thread.

 

Ha ha! Well, when it happens to you, I expect you to eat your hat. In public. On this forum!

You'll be so happy, you won't mind the flavour.

 

Yes. I wanted to say something along these lines myself, but you've said it better. He should stop categorising people in such a teenagery way. He's not giving women the chance he would like them to give him.

 

It won't because it will happen in a sensible over-time manner based on bonding and shared experience!!
Also, I really would like to continue that discussion because I did a bit of reading and noticed some things. PM me?

 

I'm going to do it. Just talk to her. I can be confident, dammit. If she was afraid of me, and that was why she was staring at the ground, I think she would have at least glanced at me to acknowledge me and give me some sign that she wasn't afraid of me to protect herself but because she didn't look I think that's a pretty strong tell. I've been walking by so many prettier girls than this chick I like and it all goes like this: we glance at each other and I think 'okay, yep she's hot' and then we just walk by each other and nothing happens because we don't know each other. But with this girl it's like there's this fire between us and I can't breathe and I myself can't even look at her except in very small glances. Seriously, this is the first time I'm giving her any indication that I like her and I think that if she likes me too that of course she wouldn't know what to do other than stare at the ground.

 

I don't know if that means she likes you, but definitely talk to her a few times and get to know her. Then you can decide if you really want to date her.

 

Okay.

I guess this is going to be a long one.

When I read your post, I got this air of two things;

one: you're an asshole.
two: you're much more like one of the sheeple in another way.

You seem to define yourself for the fact you like Taylor Swift. And with all due respect, who cares? Who gives one iota of a flying fuck whether or not you wanna listen to Shake It Off or not. I like different music. It doesn't make you a statistic because of something like this.

What I see is that you have a lot of self-loathing or low-esteem that you're mixing with crazy shit. You hate where you are, you hate how things go. You think the world is just here to punish you or something but it isn't. I'm not going to sugarcoat this, or pat you on the back and tell you what a special snowflake you are, because you aren't. You are the same organic material that we all are, and somehow because you're self aware and conscious of what goes beyond your own perception doesn't mean you're here to be punished.

Find something that makes you happy, man. Whatever it is. Whether it's writing, fucking inanimate objects, marrying a horse. Doing whatever the fuck you want. Don't question why you are here, don't assume why you are here. Just put your hands on the ground and feel it and realize you are here and that's it. Find something worth being here for. You didn't like your old jobs, you didn't like people. We get it. The world sucks. But it only sucks as much as you want it to.

I'm not telling you to smile and put on a fake act and pretend the world's sunshine and rainbows, but damn, man--cut back on the edge. You're angry, I'm aware. But the only way you're going to get out of this slump is if you do the things you want to do. There's this girl? Talk to her. If shit goes south, if she doesn't like you, who cares? You're free to move on and find something else to pursue instead of dolting on this stupid shit.

ALSO-- YOU'RE A VIRGIN.

ALSO--SO THE FUCK WHAT?

Nobody actually cares if you're a virgin. Do what you can to change that. Make mistakes, fuck up, listen to Taylor Swift--fuck strangers in the rain and public restrooms. Piss in the wind. Drink beers for breakfast. Lose yourself in something stupid. Walk naked down a beach. Do something, anything other than being in your own head and criticizing yourself or looking at the world so cynically.

And don't, do not, give me any bullshit like "well you don't understand." Because I've been diagnosed with Manic Depression and PTSD in the past as well as crippling anxiety. So believe me when I tell you, your mindset is easily defeated, if you stand up to it.

 

Yes, you are. Everything, all of it, you are over-analyzing. I do it too and trust me, it doesn't get you any further to where you want to be so try to stop.

Live in the moment. Ask her, don't ask her. Apply for a job, don't apply for a job. Buy flowers, don't buy flowers but don't think everything to the death. The answer won't always be positive but it won't always be negative either. If she says yes, great. If she says no, you know you need to move on. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means that she isn't the one. So keep moving. Make yourself a priority for a change. Don't always think there is something wrong with you because things don't go your way because we are all dysfunctional. Even the hot girl with the cool clothes and the shiny hair. We all have demons. We are also all decent and caring and struggling to find ourselves so focus on what you like about yourself and bring that to the forefront. Shower. Dress the best you can. Smile. Be kind and if you can't be kind then be quiet.

Just be you.

 

Which do people mentioning "the one"? You realize people can and do fall in love more than once? Even in heavily unrealistic fiction this is commonly acknowledged. Love just doesn't work that way. It's not destined or perfect or anything like that. It's an entirely rational concept that is mystified because we don't fully understand it, and people want to make it something higher. Even though their concepts of it actually degrade it in my opinion

 

Interesting outlook. I don't share it, but it's interesting. Here's what Wikipedia has to say about rational love:



There do seem to be two kinds. To each his own. I certainly don't think less of somebody whose idea of love is different from mine.

 

Okay, can I present the very real possibility that this is accurate? It is very, very possible that you are creeping these women out. I'm thousands of miles away from you and this thread is creeping me out a little.

I admit that I've skimmed a little, but from what I've read I've seen absolutely no reason for you to believe these women have any interest in having a conversation with you. So you know what? You don't get to have a conversation with them.

Women are human beings, not goals, targets, or opportunities for you to learn social skills, not unless they consent to doing so. And if these girls are deliberately avoiding eye contact with you, avoiding the chance to talk to you, they are NOT consenting. They want you to go away. You should respect that.

This doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, it just means that there's no vibe there, no relationship potential. So you have to let it go.

You may also want to spend a bit more time being less judgemental. There are fat people all over the world who've managed to find love; obviously Jews find love... I'm honestly not even sure, in this day and age, why anyone would think that being Jewish is in any way an unattractive feature; there are people who are what you fear you are (ugly, skinny, etc.) who find love. I don't know if you're doing some sort of defensive aggression thing (judging others before they can judge you) or what, but... it's ugly. If you were the best looking guy in the world and I heard you spouting hateful shit, I'd avoid talking to you or looking at you as well.

Being insecure is no excuse for being an asshole. So stop judging other people, stop harassing these women, and try to make some friends. Relax, and see where things go.

 

Reminds me of the Greek:

Eros, Filios, Agape. Love involving the body, the intellect and the soul. One just has to recognise the kind one feels.

 

You're making a huge mistake. Take it from those who've been there- this is not a wise way of thinking, for many reasons, including a false conclusion.

 

@idontlaughattrailers
She's right about almost everything here except one.. You have every right to talk to whoever you want, and you SHOULD use women AND men to practice your social skills. Just don't do anything illegal and you're good. It's unlikely these girls are in love with you, but there's no reason to assume they hate you or are not neutral.

Bayview is what is known as a hardcore feminist. They are men's worst enemy. They've crippled young men like yourself into being scared of women. She is literally the last person you should be talking to. If you want to be successful with girls, please do not take any advice from her. Like I said, she's right about the other things in her post, but the idea that you should be afraid of these girls is extremely damaging to both sexes.

Like I've said to you before, I've seen girls appear "creeped out"by men for months, only to suddenly start talking and flirting with and inviting them to places, out of the blue. You have no idea what these girls are thinking, which is why you need to get in there and make a story, hopefully a good one. It is essential that you become reasonably comfortable around girls, especially attractive ones, or you really will need to go to Nevada. You will not develop this comfort if you are scared that girls dislike you. Again, I repeat this because it's so important. You don't know these girls like you, but you don't know that they're creeped out by you either. Do not listen to that discouraging post.

 

Can we not pseudo insult people due to their views here? Regardless of how you feel in regards to "hardcore" feminism,this is not the place. I`ll admit that he should practice his social skills on both guys and girls because...well there social skills you got to be social. I`ll also echo something I`ve heard before but can`t quite place where. Don`t judge every interaction, on whether or not it will result in a romantic relationship. You can miss out on a lot of good friendships and interactions if you judge it all on a romantic potential. Be social, practice those skills, talk to people make friend's. If something romantic comes out of it, that`s great but even without that a good friendship can be worth a lot.

My point may have been muddled there so I'll clarify. Be social, talk to people, practice those skills and don`t stop being sociel if it`s not going in one direction. If you`re just friends just be friends that`s a good thing. I`ll also agree with Bayveiw that if you pick up cues that they don`t want to talk to you shouldn`t press too hard. Granted it`s not also easy to pick up such cues, and not everyone is just gonna tell to shove it to you're face but if you do pick up on them or you are told to shove it let it go. Pressing, it will just make you come off bad and it won`t go anywhere. Plus you can find someone you does want to talk with you rather than wasting you're time with someone who doesn`t. Not saying it`s always easy to pick up on it though. I believe that`s what Bayveiw meant rather then that you should cower in fear as Numbers seem to have taken it.

As for the judgemental thing. I think you`re using this to vent so things are slipping out but it`s a good idea to try and not be overly judgemental especially if you're trying to expand a social circle or get to know someone. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

 

I know too many guys who are scared to death of talking to girls. It's because they've been taught (by someone) to be afraid of looking like "creeps." It's an insane fear. Out of five pages, the first person to discourage him from approaching girls was a member who has time and again shown very strong feminist views. Coincidence? This isn't about insulting anyone. I say what I said for the benefit of all. When you scare guys into hiding their interest from girls, you create creepy people. It's a bad thing. Just trying to correct it. Apologies to all, the insults were not intentional.