I feel like I'm constantly watching my life from outside my body instead of being caught up in the present moment like I'm probably supposed to be. Two examples: My emotions. I don't get mad or angry when things don't go my way, and I only get happy because I allow myself to be. I often mimic emotions other people are feeling to make them feel more comfortable. I've gotten very good at it, but I'm still not tricking myself. Don't get me wrong - I'm definitely not depressed. It is very easy to inspire and enthuse me. I'm happy at this very moment. Also, I try to make everything I do more efficient. This wouldn't be weird if it wasn't everything. The way I open the door changes a little every day, until eventually I'll hit a point where it works perfectly. Then I focus on keeping it perfected. I do this with, literally, everything. The place I set my soap when I take a shower.. the way I think about ideas. Anything concrete or abstract. Again, don't get me wrong - I'm not OCD. If something screws up, I just work on making it efficient again. Because of all this, it makes me feel like quite a robot. Does anyone else ever feel this way?
First, don't feel weird about this feeling. I think everyone feels this way to a point. I know I do. I often find myself overanalyzing everything around me. I'm a question junkie. I wanna' how everything fits together and most of all what makes people tick, because often I feel like I don't have a thing in common with the way other people work. You're not alone, Maestro. Not at all.
I am too much inside my head and not enough outside living, so I can relate somewhat to what you're talking about. But anyway, do you notice the common theme with both of the situations you described? Mimicking emotions to make others feel comfortable; focusing on perfecting a task to be as efficient as possible. Both of them are about control--trying to control how others respond to you, trying to control yourself to perfect your efficiency. I don't know what it means in terms of your situation, but I just noticed that theme.
I can relate to the emulation of expected behavior, and conveying an amiable demeanor even when I am miserable. And the disassociation with the moving environment is quite phenomenal sometimes, like if I had became a camera and am just capturing and not interacting with people; it is more intriguing than anything else.
so there's quite a few of us who feel this way, then? I wonder if it's one of the reasons why we turned to writing. Perhaps the control that Marina commented on can be attained in prose or poetry to a far tighter degree than in everyday life. Personally, i get the whole disassociation thing but I'm far too lazy these days to worry about getting anything right.
it is very normal to go through a stage in life where you feel like this, and 99% of people do go through it. My only word of advice to you, is that when it comes to emotions and moods, be yourself, express yourself. Don't pretend to be what you aren't. Always be yourself and if people can't be comfortable with that, then they obviously aren't the people you should be around.
I envy those of you who can control your feelings, like robots. I'm the kind of person who is very expressive; I've been told that I give off many tells from my face, my tone, my body language, even the words I choose. I dont try to; I prefer to keep it all inside. One of my goals is to become so emotionless that my feelings will flow in and flow out as unnoticeably and easily as breathing. I decided this long ago, when I decided that if people cant seem to acknowledge me for who I would prefer to be than that is fine; I have received enough criticism. They win. I will be a machine instead. I believe I'm becoming fairly good at it, but I have my days when, like a dam, I do burst. I find that as I become more reserved and more detatched, the more efficient I am. For instance, my GPA has risen from a 3.3 to a 3.9, and though I dont actually have more leisure time (I am actually quite busy), it is easier for me to handle more. Efficiency vs "humanity" I pick the former.
Be careful what you wish for, Mercy. I learned to suppress my emotions when I was younger. I was really good at it; I was practically Vulcan, all intellect and no feelings. Except the feelings were there, just buried deeply. It took me years to unlearn it, but I'm glad I did. The only benefit from those days is that I don't lose control in a threat situation or an emergency - I turn coldly rational until I have the luxury of becoming human again.
