1. GingerCoffee

    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    I need an original song lyric and my attempts sound hokey

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by GingerCoffee, May 10, 2013.

    So in my plot a bunch of teens in a small village are hanging out. They play instruments (there's no electricity). I want to write a short verse, a song one of them writes about the plight they feel, but everything I try sounds dorky. Are there any quick rules for song lyrics, like "show don't tell" is a rule for writing? Anything you might advise a new writer when it comes to song lyrics or poetry rather than story fiction?

    Thanks.
     
  2. minstrel

    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Most lyrics of pop songs, if you read them without the music, sound hokey, if not downright stupid.

    "I love you, baby
    Don't go away
    Stick around, baby
    I want you to stay."

    I just tossed that off. You can have it for free. It's dumb, but so are lots of pop songs.
     
  3. GingerCoffee

    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    I tried this but I hate it. It's to the tune of Poor Wayfaring Stranger.

    Surely there’s room
    for our small numbers
    For you know
    we can’t go back
    All these years
    with our few hunters
    We’ve not left
    even a track

    Your numbers grow
    while our’s diminish
    One day we will
    cross paths again
    Will we meet up
    with our lost kin
    Will we become
    dust in your wind


    The critique group thought dust in the wind didn't work so I do want to change that. I dunno, it's just hokey. I need more desperation, sadness, with only a thin ray of hope.
     
  4. psychotick

    psychotick Contributor Contributor

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    Hi,

    Might I suggest that since it's a book and there's no music, if you want to have impact go for poetry instead. People will happily accept poetry verse as song lyrics provided they don't hear people trying to sing them, and they'll make better sense.

    Cheers, Greg.
     
  5. GingerCoffee

    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    I want poetry, but I've not written poetry or song lyrics. Where do I start? I mean, besides reading poetry. I could read more, but what else? I'll read some of the poetry critiques. What else? Or is that it?
     
  6. Michael O

    Michael O Member

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    Find a song you like, take something relative to the plight and give the song new words. Number of kids singing is important to the song you choose.
    Say he/she is coaxing them into singing and not just playing. Think it's important the tune has a good change of being known by the reader.

    WELL, I WAS DRUNK THE DAY MY MOM GOT OUT OF PRISON
    AND I WENT TO PICK HER UP IN THE RAIN
    BUT BEFORE I COULD GET TO THE STATION IN MY PICK-UP TRUCK
    SHE GOT RUNNED OVER BY A DAMNED OLD TRAIN

    If readers are not Country Music fans then this would not be something to choose.


    Well the power's been off in town for such a long time (That has the same number of syllables as the song above. It carries the tune.)

    They're working hard to turn it on for you. (syllables are 10 above and 10 here. Just end it with a rhyme to you)

    That's how I do it:)
     
  7. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    i'm a lyricist, among other things, ginger, so if you email me i'll be happy to write a lyric for you that will do what you want story-wise...

    love and hugs, maia
    maia3maia@hotmail.com
     

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