1. treasuringlife

    treasuringlife New Member

    Dec 18, 2006
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    Chesapeake, VA

    I never believed in hell

    Discussion in '"I never believed in hell"' started by treasuringlife, Dec 28, 2006.

    I never believed in hell. Even as a child I wondered about heaven vs. hell, God vs. the devil, Angels vs. Demons. Could these things possibly be true or was the bible just a fictional book written by a brilliant author attempting to reach far into the depths of our imaginations.

    By the time I was about six I had already proved that Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth fairy were all myths in spite of my parents trying to prove otherwise. Once I reached my teen years I began to investigate the existence of vampires, cults, witches, and of course the existence of god.

    Its not that I enjoyed such dark things but I enjoyed the search and soaked up all the answers that I could find. I spent endless hours laying on my bed scribbling various things into my journal, listing question after question, and theory after theory. All was well in my world for I had been able to investigate and prove the non existence of many tall tales, superstitions, and even a ghost story or two. There was but one unanswered question. Did heaven and hell exist this was something that I was still trying to prove after many years.

    It was Monday morning and I was late as usual. I worked as an investigative reporter for a local paper and all though I enjoyed the work that I did, I craved for more challenging pieces. My newest assignment was to do a piece for the holidays on remembering victims lost by drunk drivers. I had found a meeting place that was starting this morning across town so I was hurrying to catch my train. I made my way down the stairs to the subway filled with faceless people pushing and shoving trying to make their way to catch the train. As soon as I made my way down onto the platform I saw my train pulling off. “Great, just perfect! If I am late to this meeting Mr. Adams is going to kill me!” I said out loud. Just then I felt a hand on my shoulder, instinctively I turned around thinking that it was a mugger. I had already had my purse stolen twice while riding the train and was not about to have it happen again. “Not this time you jerk!” as I turned around grabbing at the hand I heard a soft voice say “Ms. I’m sorry did you drop this?”

    It was a girl maybe twelve or thirteen. Her hair was all matted and looked like she hadn’t brushed it in weeks. Judging by her appearance she looked as if she was homeless, probably seeking refuge from the cold down here in the unused tunnels. “Ms. is this yours?” she said again as she held up my journal. “Oh yes thank you.” I said as I reached to take the journal. “Here let me give you something for returning it.” I said as I began to shuffle through my purse. Her sweet voice said in a whisper “There’s no need, I figured that all of your answers were inside of your journal!” and with that she disappeared into the crowd.

    I was about to go after her when my train pulled up. I wanted to go after the girl to see what she meant but I couldn’t be late so I followed the crowd into the train. Ten minutes later I arrived across town and found my way to where the meeting was about to begin.

    As I walked in the room trying not to interrupt the speaker I could see the pain in the eyes of the victims family members. I took a seat in the back just as a lady was stepping up to the podium. She began to introduce herself as she spoke in a confident yet soft voice.

    “Hi, my name is Tammy, Two months ago my husband Al was driving home when he was hit by a drunk driver. He didn’t see the car run the red light and he and my daughter were killed instantly. This is the first time that I have been able to get up and speak but I now want to share with you my story. Please be patient with me as I would like to read something for you” the room sat silently as we all listened to her. She told us a story of the events that had taken her family from her and then said “This is my final entry from my journal I hope it helps all of you find the answers for which you are seeking” she cleared her throat and took a moment then began:

    “I never believed in hell. For if I believed in hell then I must believe in heaven and in god. If god was real then why, why has my heart that was once filled with joy, comfort, and love been somehow chiseled into a darkened chamber of stone filled with nothing but numbing coldness?

    There couldn’t be a heaven or hell for my life now doesn’t seem to shine with rays of light but has evolved into a black hole surrounded by never ending nights of emptiness. The revolving days have all but gone by, and I am left with nothing but the painful thoughts of the once anticipated holidays.

    My dear love if there were a heaven or hell then you and our beautiful child would be here with me. I wouldn’t be longing to feel your comforting touch and the warmth of your body pressed against mine. The many days, weeks, and months that I have been without you have taken with them the feeling of your touch. How I crave to recapture the endless hours that we spent strolling through the countryside; our fingers intertwined together molding as one, as we watched our daughter dancing through the mounds of gold, red and orange leaves that fell on the path. I now walk down that path not able to feel the two of you beside me, just left with the endless hours that I have spent in solitude, no longer enjoying the crisp air as we walked together.

    That time has been and gone with no sign of your presence for the darkness has engulfed the endless hours again. The leaves have now completed the traditional cycle, and I sit here alone in this house we built with nothing but the haunting memories to keep me company, wondering why, why if there was a heaven and hell are the two of you not here to help fill this empty void in my heart.

    I keep searching and searching trying to find my way back to you but the memories have faded far away into the shadows and I find myself tired, weak, and cold with nothing left in me to help pull my way back from them. I have retired once again to the room where we spent most of our hours. Here I hope to feel your presence even if just for a night but am once again left with nothing but the haunting memories and begin to think that there is a hell and I have began to walk down to its gates. With no way of shaking my feeling I will rest hoping that if there is a hell than maybe I will journey to heaven with you so now I will sleep.

    My Darling, the rest did me no good for I woke today after a week of slumber and found myself still here in my hell. I have just lit a fire as it is getting late, the dark red embers briefly lit the room and for a moment I escaped into a world where you were here with me, but realizing your absence the light was quickly shadowed by the fires blackened smoke. The room is filled with silence and I realized that where your hand once was has been replaced with a cold glass filled with nothing but artificial warmth enabling me to escape through the dark filled days, the time, and the empty holidays still to come.

    Why, why if there is a heaven and hell am I left here in this life without you, I have nothing but the constant stream of tear drops racing down my cheeks. Through my blurred eyesight I gaze over to the empty bay window where the Christmas tree always stood so delicately dressed. The memories of us listening to the seasonal melodies and sipping hot chocolate as we trimmed the tree have began to drop from my memory with each dying needle and like the tree, I am left with nothing but bare aged limbs.

    Outside the window the soft falling snow blankets the earth as if to smother all of the life from the hardened ground beneath it. My haunted mind ponders the ill thoughts of wondering out into the chilled cold breeze and succumbing to the void between the earth and the snowy blanket, freezing my pain of your absence and ending the forthcoming cycle of my life.

    How, how can I go on into another year without you? Shall I walk this dark journey of my life alone? My body feels limp and not able to continue this path that’s before me. My love you were always the strong one lifting me up into the light out of the darkness. Cant I end this year instead of beginning a new one filled with cold, dark hours?

    The countdown has begun as I lay where you once were hoping to feel your warmth, for there have been no signs that you ever existed other than in my mind, meticulously I prepare our history and important memorabilia for those that will arrive. My trembling hand now holds the picture of us embracing one another and the light in our world is shining brighter than I remembered. How, how if there is a heaven and hell have you been stolen into the shadows and out of my life? I am embodied with nothing but a trembling shell; with each tear I wish that not one more breath escaped from it. From behind our picture falls a piece of unfamiliar paper folded in two as I open it up I wipe the tears away and focus my blurred eyes to see a little piece of you. The writing was unmistakable and in that moment I could feel a part of my darkened chamber encased heart beat as I read:

    “My dearest love,

    As I am writing this I am distraught by the thought that there will come a day when you will be searching through the darkness in need of comfort that I am no longer able to give you myself.”

    “I am so very sorry that I had to leave my intended place beside you. Yes I know that you must be overwrought with an emptiness and feeling so lost, but believe me when I say think of the time that we had together and the love that surrounded us not of the times that we are without one another. I know that you have never believed in heaven or hell, but I am back with my father in heaven and no longer in pain. Please for me you must wipe away your tears, never forget me but continue your journey and move on with the rest of your years. God will let you know when it is your time to come home to me, for now though remember your heart will always be entwined with my heart and one day I will hold you in my arms again.”

    Thank you my love, through the darkness I felt your warmth break through the dark stoned chamber allowing my heart to beat with each ray of light the sun shined down my way. My minutes have become days and my days have become weeks. Though you are not beside me I know now that you are always in my heart. Yes, yes there is a heaven and a hell you lead me back up the path from the depths of hell and now my days have been filled with invaluable time knowing that one day you will be at the end of my traveled path and I will have plenty to share with you.

    Today as I sit out by the lake, my hands engulfed into the warm earth planting seeds, I look around and see the garden’s life is beginning its cycle. It’s birth showing your favorite colors of purples, yellows, and whites. With my eyes closed I feel the warmth of your touch sent down with the sun’s rays. Thank you my love for making me believe in heaven and hell. For I know its not my time and I will one day see you again in heaven because you have saved me from my own hell!”

    The lady finished her story and in a soft voice said “Thank you all”. I sat in my seat in complete amazement for the woman’s reading answered my questions of the meaning of heaven, hell, and god. As I opened my journal to take down notes I noticed a picture placed on the front page. It was of a smiling happy family. As I looked closer I realized it was the woman that had just spoken, with a man, and a girl. It was the girl who had found my journal that morning. I thought to myself “She, she was truly an angel. Yes she was right I had found the questions that I was looking for!”

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