I'm on an editing jaunt. I found this, wherein I use the word 'her' three times in one brief sentence. Please help me fix it. It needs fixing, right? After a few moments, when it seemed like the boy would not immediately return, Celeste seemed to deflate, as if setting down a great burden. “Oh, Marko, that was… stressful.” He went to her, put his arms around her, and held her to him. “Can you tell me what happened?"
You could leave out put his arms around her because he can't hold her without doing it so we know. "He went to her and held her close".
I have a passionate dislike of echoes but funnily enough I am not sure that it bothers me much as a reader (as the writer I can see why it would!). Maybe it's because it is such a common word it becomes invisible as "said" tends to in dialogue tags. easy enough to eliminate if you decide to with something along the lines of "He crossed and folded his arms around her." or "He crossed and gave her a hug."
How about: "He felt his heart open to her, he went to her; he put his arms around her, he held her to his him-ness. Heavens! Has any he ever felt as much in his him for a her as he felt for her her in his him?"
After a few moments, when it seemed like the boy would not immediately return, Celeste seemed to deflated, as if setting down a great burden. “Oh, Marko, that was stressful,” she squeaked. He went to her, Marko put his arms around her, and held her to him. “ Can you Tell me what happened, baby.?"
Just 'He put his arms around her' would do it, I think? He has to go to her to do that*, so no need to be explicit about it. The holding close will probably be imagined anyway by the reader if that is likely from the characters' relationship. * Unless Marko is Inspector Gadget or Mr Tickle.
You could just go straight for, "He held her close". Does it matter that we must know he travelled over to her? Like, in order to hold her close, he has to go to her anyway. Unless he's at some great distance away, it may not be necessary.
I thought about that too. But it does depend on how close they are in the scene, he may have to show he travelled but not if he had been standing next to her the whole time. I wasn't sure if the "boy" and "Marko" were the same person. If he is near already you could just say "he pulled her close" but I like held better.
@J.D. Ray, I see you like to be descriptive. But do you really need to tell us how she looked deflated ? No need for "as if setting down a great burden". And I don't know if deflating would look that way anyway. Setting down a great burden would probably make someone look relieved not deflated.
It’s these sort of things, including several other bits of feedback here, that I appreciate and are helpful. It’s tough writing in a vacuum (particularly because of all the dust flying around when it’s in use). Thank you, I’ll have to decide how to resolve this, but all your input has been helpful. Well, except that one person up there, but that was just funny.
BTW, the “boy” was essentially a bellhop that had delivered them to what is, in effect, their hotel room. The setting is in a time before hotels, and manor houses opened their doors to travelers. Call it a “proto-hotel”, I suppose. At any rate, it’s clear when reading the entire section.
Take a look at the Seduction of the Minotaur. It may not be your genre but she wouldn't survive this forum. And yet, she is considered one of the great women writers of the 20th century. Check out the repeated words for Golden....
