I might have been drinking when I read the back... I can't find what I was referring to >.> I swear I saw it, though. Honest.
*rocks back-and-forth in fetal position* I can write better than this, I can write better than this, I can write better than this...
Oww! Why would you do that? At least give us fair warning before you send such revolting muck streaming down our eye holes. I think I have like five new brain tumors from reading that. Favorite line: "She was really scared." That, right there, is the stuff of accolades.
Reviewer: "If I'm being honest, I bought it because it looked hilariously bad. It WAS horrendous - so much so, in fact, that I couldn't even get a laugh out of it."
Call me optimistic, but I genuinely think that this book might have been a parody. I mean, a book so poorly written and practically drowning in every medieval fantasy cliche... look, all's I'm saying is I'll sleep better tonight if I just keep telling myself it was written with a "so-bad-it's-good" mentality in mind.
This thread makes me sad. I imagine the little old guy with his white hair and the spectacles, and the little old lady wears her apron. Across the room Pinocchio sits in a rocking-chair. 'Honey,' says Grandpa, 'why don't we publish our silly story?' 'Darling, on the internets? That would be wonderful. The grandchildren could read about the dragons...' 'Hey, I'll go see what people thinks on the on-line.' "YOU SUCK" "This is shit." "LeaRn to Write, morons." ..................
Oh my god, reading that made me so uncomfortable. I actually want to go hide from how sad that was. I want to give that book a hug and tell it everything will be okay. Is that what I sound like when I write? What if that is what I sound like and no one has bothered to tell me. Oh my god. How? I have no brain anymore because that book has destroyed my brain. My brain is leaking out of my nose and of my mouth. There was a dark cloud in the sky. Someone help me for the love of god.
That story made me excited! They fought a dragon and dragons are scary and mean! I like King Aurthorr because he is a good king who defends his kingdom from the scary dragon! He is very brave and courageous! And he is sorry for the villagers' loss! He is a very kind and gracious man who cares very much about his people! I want to be like him when I grow up!
Yeah....for curiosity sake I went there. I have a few thoughts. Stuff like this ensures that self publishing will remain the brunt of ridicule for some time to come. It's all the reasons why readers don't like self published titles. Lack of quality in writing, editing, publishing. By titles like this getting out there in front of the public it just reinforces the idea that only mainstream publishing produces quality work. I don't want to encourage myself to write by looking at the worst of what's out there. I am not going to compete with the worst when seeking an outlet for my writing (I hope). Better to spend my time studying better writing and trying to reach a standard than just assuring myself I'm not the biggest fool on the planet. I know it sounds like I'm pouring cold water on this thread. But there is something very tragic rather than funny about the existence of that book. I just can't find the lols. Maybe it is the fact this writer truly believes they've written something worthwhile. Buried deep in that is a real person's dream and no matter how inadequately expressed I can't laugh about it. I almost feel like the most polite thing to do is say nothing at all. Successful writers, yep critique away, they've earned their right to be scrutinized by getting to a certain level. They have to hold their own. But this...
I'll take your one crappy, unknown fantasy novel and raise you Ayn Rand! Here is the first page (pretty much) of Atlas Shrugged: Question? How dark is the dusk so you couldn't see a bum's face, only his eyes? Isn't that a really cartoony image? I know it's a theme of this piece of trash novel to be either-or, good or bad, and all characters are either purely good Objectivist caricatures or purely bad, evil, socialist caricatures, but light doesn't work that way! Nor, Mrs Rand, do people. Some of the description is ok, but they are spoiled by Rand thinking you are an idiot who does not understand what she is saying, such as this line: The 'old painting in oil' is a good image, shame it's being used in such a hackneyed way. You don't need to say 'the color of a fading masterpiece', we get that with the word 'oil painting', also, isn't this a rather too idealized way of viewing a city, a masterpeice - oh what am I saying? This is Ayn Rand. Of course she would think that. You also, really, don't need to say the shafts of skyscrapers were 'turning brown, like...' you can just go straight to the interesting painting metaphor with 'the clouds and skyscrapers were a fading oil painting', there, I've saved a bit of space and the exact same thing is being said. But obviously brevity is not the point here, she's writing until her hand hurts. Sorry to go into a little rant, but Rand's writing sucks so much!
@Lemex - My dear, dear English friend. Allow me to fill you with horror with a book called The River of Souls by Robert McCammon. I borrowed it from the library thinking it'd be a good thriller set in Colonial America. I was wrong. Read the first few pages and be beholden to the horror. I don't want to copy/past it all, but let's just say it's filled with purple-prose, clumsy dialogue, shitty scenery, and a sketch plopped right in the middle of the paragraph. I mean it literally. This is how it looks like in script form, dialogue isn't exact, but it should sum it up. CHARACTER #1: Nuuu, don't do it man! D: <sketch of bad guy and protagonist, with bad guy butting into protagonist and...there's a sword above them for...some reason.> BAD GUY CHARACTER: Argh, I shall do it because I'm...an evil bad guy and...stuff. Uh...ARGH LOOK AT HOW HIDEOUS I AM! >:[ I returned that book as soon as I could.
Your link doesn't work, but I was able to find it on Amazon. Good god! The first two sentences: Told me all I needed to know. These are the kind of sentences no serious writing group should even bother bringing up, it's like prose from a young teenager who doesn't give a shit. In fact, I was asked to help out in a few GCSE classes and the most disinterested students had lines exactly like this, maybe even this. How was that ever published!?! The guy has done the impossible. He's made Ayn Rand look good!
I spotted so many things wrong with the first few pages that I couldn't bear to read any more. You'll notice that there's continued descriptions of how the bad guy looks, but nothing about his personality. It's like we're supposed to think he's evil because he looks like a hog. Never mind the absurd implication that this guy had been picking out random people to kill for a long time and no one, no one did anything to stop him. This was the paragraph that made me stop reading, even though I could hear my brain crying at just the first two sentences: Yes, Matthew. It's necessary that I quit reading this book and spend my time doing something enjoyable.
