I'm writing a scene where the MC is talking with an obnoxious middle-aged woman. She says that she's hard of hearing after the MC mentions music, and I want her to tell some annoying anecdote or joke. I have this: "I always tell my husband that if my eyesight were as poor as my hearing..." but I can't finish it for the life of me. Is this a common joke formula? Any pointers would be helpful.
You could go for the warm and schnmoozy -- if my eyesight was as bad as my hearing, I would never have spotted him in the crowd... or the slightly gross -- if my sense of smell was as bad as my hearing, I would let him use the bathroom first. It is a fairly common structure -- when I was a brat there were regular playground insults along the lines of "if I had a face like yours, I'd teach my arse to speak" -- but I think it would suit an older generation rather than a younger. I could imagine my parents using it, but not my son.
"I always tell my husband that if my eyesight were as poor as my hearing we'd be watching the window all day, and not this fantastic 64 inch widescreen I purchased over at Moron dot com," Madam Dickface chuckled, her fingers traced the acreage of screen, she sighed in orgiasticallyally ethers. "Well, that is quite some electronic package you have purchased...' said Krugerstein, his white teeth plain as an empty mind. {Shakespeare possibly}. 'What!' said Dickface, the trumpet at her ear.
A one two, boom boom. I'm hard of hearing, can no longer appreciate beautiful music, and he, hubby over there, he's hard of prostate and can no longer make the beautiful love. But that's okay, my eyes work fine and he ain't no longer handsome anyways.
Thank you. You all make me very glad that I started this thread. Yes, I already have included a large ear trumpet. I would not have considered even writing the scene without the ear trumpet. I would plagiarize your whole post if I could, but unfortunately I'm writing a fantasy, and there are no 64" widescreens. A magic mirror possibly. Thank you very much @SethLoki, but the scene takes place in very polite society and the woman is a prude. I will put your suggestion on ice, maybe for another time. @Hammer, the schmoozy one may be just what I need. The woman has been reminiscing about her girlhood under the tutelage of nuns, so she is in a romantic/nostalgic frame of mind.
I have filed it away for future reference. Perhaps this will become a running gag in my novel, crowdsourced jokes given by obnoxious side characters. You will all get a cut of the royalties, I promise.