I have read the opinions of some, saying that attraction to a girl's looks is nothing but lust, and that attraction should be based solely on her personality. But even though I love the personality of a girl, especially one that is kind, having all the qualities I desire, I am also attracted to looks, and cannot find myself being happy with someone who I do not think is beautiful. Therefore, when I see two different girls, the one attractive, and the other unattractive, I am inclined to talk to the attractive one, not for any selfish sexual purpose, but to get to know them in order to establish a relationship of commitment. Unfortunately, I have never been able to form such a relationship with a girl. But what is your opinion on this matter? Isn't it sexual attraction that first draws you to a person? Or should we entirely reject sexual attraction and pursue people that we know for personality's sake? I am not saying that personality is unimportant, or that we should pursue mean-spirited attractive people, but that we should not base our decision solely on personality, but also on who we find beautiful to us. People seem divided on this issue, some saying that we should simply date a friend who we have known for a long time, because we know them so well, and saying that the more we know a person, the more beautiful they appear to us. But though the appearance of a person has become less repulsive to me the more I have known a person, I have never been able to find them beautiful. It is therefore my opinion that a relationship should be built on both sexual and emotional attraction. However, I don't consider myself very attractive, so I'm not sure what to do about that. What is your opinion?
Different strokes for different folks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that. Each to their own etc.
It depends entirely on what you're looking for. If it's a person with which you want to have a sexual relationship as well as a permanent relationship, you should be honest with yourself about it. And don't short-change yourself; it is not up to you to determine how sexually attractive you might be. Just be who you are, and know that you're not perfect, but always try to be better in ways that might make you more attractive to others. But relationships can be built on mutual respect and admiration without having a sexual connotation. These "Platonic" relationships are as important as sexual ones over the long run, because they're based on much more than just lust ... shared life experiences, shared griefs, shared joys, shared interests. You're depriving yourself of a huge part of your humanity if you're selecting companions solely on whether they'll sleep with you, or if not sleeping with you makes it a deal-breaker. I have a number of female friends, I'd go on what you might call "dates" with them ... lunch, dinner, a concert ... but I'm also married, and everybody understands that sex is off the table. I value these encounters, and I think they do, too, and I would deprive myself of them because they don't have a sexual component. Of course, if you develop a relationship like this and you think that there's a possibility that it could go farther, and if there are no impediments (like them already being in a relationship), then it doesn't hurt to ask about their feelings toward you. Just be prepared to take a "yes" or "no" answer with equal grace, without judging. And don't ask the question unless you're confident that the girl will be answer the question with equal equanimity; if it's a "no," then you can move on with the friendship unimpaired. There's an interesting play called "Same Time, Next Year" about a man and a woman who meet once a year for sex. But over the years, they find that their interest in each other's lives dwarfs their libidos. (There was a pretty good movie made from the play, if you want to look it up.) I think that most marriages, and certainly the most stable ones, are made of this sort of attraction.
If at least some of us weren't sexually attracted to each other... I don't think the species would last long ;-)
It's perfectly natural and normal to be attracted to the 'more beautiful'. But that's attraction based solely on looks. If, after getting to know a person who (whom?) you didn't find physically attractive on first meeting, you then begin to develop strong feelings towards them because of their personality and the chemistry between you, then you'll probably find you don't have much say in the matter (that's proper attraction, although not necessarily love). If at that point you deny your feelings and reject them anyway, based solely on their looks, well then more fool you.
I think without the personality component, seeing them as the person that they are (and the qualities that come with that), then it's just lust. It could be said that the likelihood of a relationship lasting long based solely on superficial features is low.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being sexually attracted towards another person. Sexual attraction exists for a reason. But a sexual relationship and a loving relationship are two different things. Some of the comments in the thread make me think: the phrase "she gave him a lusty blow" has sure changed meaning over time.
in general theres nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to a girl (exceptions exist like best mates wife, your wife's sister and so on), however as nao says love and sex are different things... you can love someone without being sexually attracted to them, and you can want to bone someone without even liking them that much we have had this discussion before https://www.writingforums.org/threads/does-sex-equal-love.159513/ people can also be attractive without being beautiful and indeed good looking without being attractive
If someone looks great then it definitely triggers certain chemical reactions. Thing is what happens thereafter? If you never approach such people and interact with them then one can only rely on that chemical reaction as your point of reference. If you actually speak to the person with the stunning eyes or what have you, then you are changing the process. Presumably, you would be concentrating on the conversation at least to some degree. Let's say you are talking Astro Physics but you keep looking at the girl or guys chest, you are probably going to fail with the conversation. If you are concentrating on the person and what they have to say then you will start to pay less attention to how they look as it is now not the only point of consideration. Therefore there has been a shift hasn't there. You now don't just see them as an object or a pretty thing or what have you. You begin to evaluate great amounts of information; what they have to say and how they behave. I think this thread is more about preconceptions, I mean a beautiful girl/boy. An older/younger person. Same rules apply in my book. I guess what I am saying is, never judge a book by its cover.
No not at all. Most of my ex girlfriends were not super attractive to me at first. They became more and more so the closer we got. Often I realised later they were more attractive than I had previously given them credit for, I just had some fantasy of what I imagined I wanted that I thought they did not fit. But then when I focused more on the person and less on the fantasy I realised actually they were better looking I had given them credit for. Often I neglected to notice some things until later when I started hanging out with them more. Or maybe I liked them more and so they became more attractive. Many of the insanely hot types I just couldn't get over my insecurity to talk to for any kind of sustained period. I put this down partly to fear of rejection and partly out of shame over my own desires. I have noticed I am more comfortable talking to someone I think I deserve/have some possibility of actually attaining sexually. It is also about things in common, since the most attractive peoople devote their lives to looking good, and I spend mine almost almost doing the opposite. I have often felt frustrated by my inability to attract what I most desire in my fantasies, but I live with it.
If you get the fundamentals right in your relationship and you respect your partner, take a concern for her welfare, enjoy her company, can keep her secrets, value her intellect, encourage her hobbies and interests and support her through life decisions- you can afford to be a selfish jerk sometimes. All of us lie from time to time, but if you have to lie and manipulate someone to get what you want, there is a problem (and it doesn't matter who is to blame). People don't talk about it much because it can send the wrong message, but being selfish in a relationship is actually healthy to the extent you need to be aware of what you want out of it and where your boundaries are. Being selfish doesn't automatically make you a bad person and in any conflict it helps for you to know when to stand your ground or what you can compromise on. Hurting someone when its needless and easily avoidable does make you a bad person however. The hardest part of a relationship is clear communication as saying "yes" and "no" when you mean them. It's just too tempting to stare longingly at your crush and agree with everything she says, or avoiding confrontation because you don't want to hurt her feelings or lose her. If you don't have the guts to tell the truth and be honest with someone, you're not going to be able to navigate the conflicts that come up as you grow and develop together over the long term. Being a little selfish can make you braver, bolder and sexier as a result. Good communication is the foundation on which everything else is built and no relationship can last very long unless you are both honest with each other and what you want. The "interesting" stuff starts when you both explore things together. Speaking from experience, regret is actually worse than rejection. When your young and everything is new, rejection hurts more (particularly if you lack experience, feel very confused about what is expected of you and aren't sure what to do), but if you avoid asking someone out you'll regret it because of all the things you missed doing with them or finding out where the relationship would have went if you'd asked the question and been honest about how you felt. Rejection passes but regret has a much longer shelf life: it's there to annoy you and not to make same mistakes twice. But the critical issue is that you put aside these hypotheticals and ASK HER OUT. Then you can decide whether you love her for her looks or her personality and question your moral purity as you enjoy her company. If nothing else, the view is better when she makes eye contact and smiles back.
Or finding out they are incredibly 'busy with work' these days But I agree with the basic point. Rejection helps you but it does take quite a lot of energy to go out there and get rejected repeatedly. People say it toughens you up but it can also make you feel way worse about yourself. It is better to approach dating with an attitude of experimental playfulness but easier said than done.
Rejection sucks and I think it is ok to admit that. It is probably healthier in the long-term to accept that you are going to feel a sense of loss for what happened or what could have happened. Being "tough" really isn't about not crying or not feeling angry or anything like that. It's more about having those emotions, processing them and then being able to move on and take the next step. emotional injury and physical injury aren't that different and it takes time for things to "heal". If you bury the pain of rejection, it's probably going to make you pretty twisted, resentful and cynical. everyone gets hurt and the experience of rejection is not unique to you or that relationship and you shouldn't feel like your dealing with it on your own. Nor should it be shameful or treated as weakness to express how you feel when you do get hurt. You have to love yourself enough to admit it hurts. The "toughness" comes in not giving up rather than denying the pain is there. The confidence comes with experience and "experimental playfulness" as you put it means you have opportunities to take risks, make mistakes, learn from them and enjoy the successes too. If you can get to a point where you think that you love someone enough to want them to be happy and free to make their own choices, you may find yourself accepting they can go out with other people. You may still day dream and wonder occasionally what it would be like to be with them, but that's just part of being human. it's because you care about yourself and another person and it lingers even when things don't work out.
Nothing wrong with sexual attraction. That's how reality works. We're animals because we come from the animal kingdom where males have huge feathers or they make weird sounds to show interest in females that appear fertile. Is it wrong to be with someone or love someone solely on looks? Yes, cause that ain't a healthy relationship. But physical attraction is as normal as blinking, adding import to it only makes problems seemingly appear.
unless she's your brothers wife, you are married to someone else, she's your boss etc etc and so forth
The rational part of my mind agrees with everything you said but love and sex in particular trigger lots of irrational thoughts and patterns and behaviour. I just have to accept it is bigger than me and I cannot control it, for it is the force of life itself. You are right though, I tend to repress everything. Wish I could just be done with desire in many ways. It is hard to admit the truth of what we ultimately are, so I play a fictional role as a good little pure thing. Life would be easier if I could actually become that. But I always get dragged back into the world of sex sooner or later, often with sad or shameful results.But then later I look back on it and try to make sense of why I took a risk doing that or went against my better judgement by doing that with her I think, hey, at least I was being a human being, rather than some prematurely dead heap of flesh and bones.
My opinion - as a gay man - is that the astounding amount of after-market complexity we load onto interaction between opposite sex people is fascinating. Like, Mr. Spock fascinating. From the cultural side of things (not biological), the way we send young boys and young girls to two completely different, utterly incompatible schools of cultural and interpersonal engagement, I'm amazed men and women are even able to speak to one another at all - ever.
Very early on, when you find out that your (then future) wife has an identical twin, say "wow, that's amazing, I have an identical twin brother". Then you can pretend to be your own brother and everything will be okay* *unless she's lying too, in which case you're buggered, but you probably deserve each other
People aren't going to look different physically just because you know them better and they have good personalities. It's just, looks can become less important if you end up attracted to the person in other ways. The key here is that you become attracted in some way. You mention getting to know someone and never finding them attractive, that isn't just about their looks. I do find it a little disturbing when people are judged on shallow reasons (their height, whether they wear a suit or cargo shorts, some extra weight, etc) but I think a person is allowed to be as discriminating as they want when it comes to their personal preferences. Also, I think some things that might be defined as "shallow" are probably just health indicators we are evolutionary designed to find attractive/unattractive. It's hard to fight all those years of evolution.
