I know what I'm trying to describe, I just want to test if its a good analogy. Tell me if you don't like it, so i don't use it. I was struck then with a rapid constricting and moving forward within/upon my mind.
1/ Do you intend to publish with within/upon as written, or are they alternatives that you haven't yet decided upon? 2/ I've no idea what emotion you're trying to describe. 3/ I'm not at all sure that what you've used is an analogy. Certainly it doesn't clarify anything! analogy əˈnalədʒi/ noun noun: analogy; plural noun: analogies a comparison between one thing and another, typically for the purpose of explanation or clarification.
No idea without further analysis, which means it is likely to remove the reader from the story while they try to decipher what it is you are trying to say. Not a good thing. I also dislike the use of "/". "A rapid constricting" - I generally equate "constricting" with panic, as in "my chest constricted". "moving forward within/upon my mind" I would associate with drug use or getting hit with a haymaker. In conclusion, your character is panicking because they are about to get punched, then they get punched.
I haven't got a clue what you're trying to say. If I read this in a book I'd think an editor missed something. If I read this in a piece I'm critiquing I'd boil it down to simple bad writing. It doesn't make any sense.
I was struck then with a rapid constricting and moving forward within/upon my mind. Sounds like a peristaltic brainwave. An idea or revelation is about to burst forth.
I could think about it for a while and come up with all sorts of things it might refer to. But the problem is, the reader isn't going to stop and ponder. They're going to keep going. And if the meaning doesn't come clear pretty quickly, they'll miss it. If it were me, I'd rewrite it in a less convoluted way. Spit it out, in other words. I think you'll benefit from that, in the long run.
Are you trying to convey confusion? I had to think about it, but I might see it being that? Context might help but overall, yeah, I'm blanking.
Thanks for the replies, I have done away with the sentence inside the peice. The emotion the narrator was describing was fear. again, thanks for the feedback. This forum is becoming a great tool
