"There you are Mr Tom, and some Hobnobs, your favourite." vs "There you are Mr Tom, and some Hobnobs. Your favourite." I have been told by an editor that I should have it as version 2, but 1 seems fine to me. Comma splices and run on sentences are a big problem for me.
The first seems 'righter' to me, but I don't like the 'and'. "There you are Mr Tom, have some Hobnobs, your favourite."
In dialogue I'd probably let it go, but it's a bit awkward... not so much a comma splice as just a weird collection of fragments. I really have no idea what's being done with the hobnobs? Are they being served to him, or does he already have them, or...? I'm pretty sure you need a comma before "Mr. Tom" and that just makes the who thing even more clunky. I'd be tempted to break it into two sentences, at least. "There you are, Mr. Tom. And you have hobnobs--your favourite."
I would have done it exactly the same way as @BayView - comma before 'Mr. Tom', then a full stop, and an em dash between 'hobnobs' and 'your'. Dammit, I want hobnobs now.
Agree with the others. But I have to say again, I know the accent/dialect/whatever you're going for, and I'm not sure these lists of fragments achieve it. It comes off more Rain Man than Eton posh boy. I won't mention it again because I know unsolicited critique is annoying.
Also, is this a paid editor? The comma before Mr. Tom is, in my opinion, pretty much mandatory. I think a professional editor should have picked up on that...
You... you don't have hobnobs in the US? I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry for your loss Hobnobs are the most delectable food in the entire universe. Crunchy-oaty-golden-syrupy splendidness coated in chocolate. Sweet, but not sickly, so you can never eat too many. And the texture, my god the texture! They crumble slightly when you bite into them, but as you start to chew and the golden syrup warms up they yield and go slightly gooey, but still kind of crunchy. Like a million tiny biscuits cascading down a torrent of molten biscuit, helped along by a current of sweet, sweet chocolate. If you have even the slightest love for your taste buds, you should import some. They are, frankly, orgasmic. They are the sex of the biscuit world.
No, not that I'm aware of, though now I really wish we did. Your love of hobnobs is impressive, mashers
OMG, @mashers , I never dreamed you could write like that! Having once been referred to as "Mr. (my Christian name)", I should have realised the social status of the speaker...I (wrongly - but in company with @Tenderiser ) assumed it was Tom's father again.
Yes, sorry about that, Francis. I should really know better, having read the whole MS... *proffers Hobnobs in apology* Another great thing about Hobnobs is you can give them a proper dunk in your tea and they never break and sink to the bottom.
Love doesn't even come close. It's a desire which is sensual, physical, spiritual. At times I feel that hobnobs inhabit my very soul. Actually I didn't know either until I wrote that post
Ooh yes, I forgot about that. If hobnobs are the sex of biscuits, then hobnobs dunked in tea is the ménage à trois of biscuits.
I'm thinking maybe you should write about food a lot more often. Hobnobs, and whatever else you find to be particularly delicious. I like your description far more than the pic Shadow posted.
Maybe I should. Perhaps I'm wasting my time trying to write sci-fi. Not much call for an erotic description of confectionary in that genre. TBH that isn't the best picture of a hobnob. Try this:
Now you're just flaunting them! They really do look delicious - and I'm desperately trying to think of anything in the US that's comparable, but there's nothing. Is there a recipe for something similar over there? I can make my own That is a shame, because in this you are brilliant.
I did search for hobnob recipes and found some, but I don't know if any of them would resemble the originals. I would suggest getting someone in the UK to send you some. And make sure you get the chocolate ones, as they do come in plain format as well. Thanks! I had no idea. Not sure I could replicate it with other foods though. Maybe I'll try.
If anyone finds/knows of a recipe that is fairly close - please send it to me. *Note to self* Make friends with someone in the UK who would be willing to send hobnobs. You're welcome. Make sure you post when you do! @Francis de Aguilar I apologize for the threadjack.
*shrugs* I'll do it if you really want some! Maybe there's a market for a book of eroticised descriptions of foods from overseas Oh yes, sorry about that!
I do, and you are very kind to offer, but I would feel awful about it. Any food from the US you want to try? There's a niche market for everything. Okay, I'm really done now - sorry again.
We send Jaffa Cakes to our daughter in Australia to remind her of what she's missing...it's OK while the plane's at 35,000 feet, 'cos it's pretty damned cold up there...but after it's been on the tarmac at Brisbane for a couple of hours...she tends to eat them several at once...
