1. Francis de Aguilar

    Francis de Aguilar Contributor Contributor

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    Is this a comma splice?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Francis de Aguilar, Aug 9, 2017.

    "There you are Mr Tom, and some Hobnobs, your favourite."

    vs

    "There you are Mr Tom, and some Hobnobs. Your favourite."

    I have been told by an editor that I should have it as version 2, but 1 seems fine to me.

    Comma splices and run on sentences are a big problem for me.
     
  2. Earp

    Earp Not Sorry Contributor

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    The first seems 'righter' to me, but I don't like the 'and'. "There you are Mr Tom, have some Hobnobs, your favourite."
     
  3. BayView

    BayView Huh. Interesting. Contributor

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    In dialogue I'd probably let it go, but it's a bit awkward... not so much a comma splice as just a weird collection of fragments. I really have no idea what's being done with the hobnobs? Are they being served to him, or does he already have them, or...?

    I'm pretty sure you need a comma before "Mr. Tom" and that just makes the who thing even more clunky.

    I'd be tempted to break it into two sentences, at least. "There you are, Mr. Tom. And you have hobnobs--your favourite."
     
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  4. mashers

    mashers Contributor Contributor Community Volunteer

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    I would have done it exactly the same way as @BayView - comma before 'Mr. Tom', then a full stop, and an em dash between 'hobnobs' and 'your'.

    Dammit, I want hobnobs now.
     
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  5. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

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    Agree with the others. But I have to say again, I know the accent/dialect/whatever you're going for, and I'm not sure these lists of fragments achieve it. It comes off more Rain Man than Eton posh boy.

    I won't mention it again because I know unsolicited critique is annoying. :unsure:
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2017
  6. BayView

    BayView Huh. Interesting. Contributor

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    Also, is this a paid editor? The comma before Mr. Tom is, in my opinion, pretty much mandatory. I think a professional editor should have picked up on that...
     
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  7. Francis de Aguilar

    Francis de Aguilar Contributor Contributor

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    This is the receptionist at Tom's place of work. More Essex than Eton.
     
  8. Francis de Aguilar

    Francis de Aguilar Contributor Contributor

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    That's way better. Thanks
     
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  9. Trish

    Trish Damned if I do and damned if I don't Contributor

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    I completely agree with @BayView , but had to comment because - what are hobnobs?
     
  10. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

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    Chocolatey biscuity (cookie-y to USians) goodness.
     
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  11. Trish

    Trish Damned if I do and damned if I don't Contributor

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    Thank you :D I shouldn't have asked though, because now I want some.:(
     
  12. mashers

    mashers Contributor Contributor Community Volunteer

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    You... you don't have hobnobs in the US? I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry for your loss :bigfrown:

    Hobnobs are the most delectable food in the entire universe. Crunchy-oaty-golden-syrupy splendidness coated in chocolate. Sweet, but not sickly, so you can never eat too many. And the texture, my god the texture! They crumble slightly when you bite into them, but as you start to chew and the golden syrup warms up they yield and go slightly gooey, but still kind of crunchy. Like a million tiny biscuits cascading down a torrent of molten biscuit, helped along by a current of sweet, sweet chocolate.

    If you have even the slightest love for your taste buds, you should import some. They are, frankly, orgasmic. They are the sex of the biscuit world.
     
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  13. Trish

    Trish Damned if I do and damned if I don't Contributor

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    :superlaugh:No, not that I'm aware of, though now I really wish we did. Your love of hobnobs is impressive, mashers :superagree:
     
  14. Shadowfax

    Shadowfax Contributor Contributor

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    OMG, @mashers , I never dreamed you could write like that!

    [​IMG]

    Having once been referred to as "Mr. (my Christian name)", I should have realised the social status of the speaker...I (wrongly - but in company with @Tenderiser ) assumed it was Tom's father again.
     
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  15. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

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    Yes, sorry about that, Francis. I should really know better, having read the whole MS...

    *proffers Hobnobs in apology*

    Another great thing about Hobnobs is you can give them a proper dunk in your tea and they never break and sink to the bottom.
     
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  16. mashers

    mashers Contributor Contributor Community Volunteer

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    Love doesn't even come close. It's a desire which is sensual, physical, spiritual. At times I feel that hobnobs inhabit my very soul.

    Actually I didn't know either until I wrote that post :bigeek:
     
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  17. mashers

    mashers Contributor Contributor Community Volunteer

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    Ooh yes, I forgot about that. If hobnobs are the sex of biscuits, then hobnobs dunked in tea is the ménage à trois of biscuits.
     
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  18. Trish

    Trish Damned if I do and damned if I don't Contributor

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    I'm thinking maybe you should write about food a lot more often. :D Hobnobs, and whatever else you find to be particularly delicious. I like your description far more than the pic Shadow posted.
     
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  19. mashers

    mashers Contributor Contributor Community Volunteer

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    Maybe I should. Perhaps I'm wasting my time trying to write sci-fi. Not much call for an erotic description of confectionary in that genre.

    TBH that isn't the best picture of a hobnob. Try this:

    [​IMG]
     
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  20. Trish

    Trish Damned if I do and damned if I don't Contributor

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    Now you're just flaunting them! They really do look delicious - and I'm desperately trying to think of anything in the US that's comparable, but there's nothing. Is there a recipe for something similar over there? I can make my own ;)

    That is a shame, because in this you are brilliant.:D
     
  21. mashers

    mashers Contributor Contributor Community Volunteer

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    I did search for hobnob recipes and found some, but I don't know if any of them would resemble the originals. I would suggest getting someone in the UK to send you some. And make sure you get the chocolate ones, as they do come in plain format as well.

    Thanks! I had no idea. Not sure I could replicate it with other foods though. Maybe I'll try.
     
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  22. Trish

    Trish Damned if I do and damned if I don't Contributor

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    If anyone finds/knows of a recipe that is fairly close - please send it to me. :) *Note to self* Make friends with someone in the UK who would be willing to send hobnobs.

    You're welcome. Make sure you post when you do! :)

    @Francis de Aguilar I apologize for the threadjack.
     
  23. mashers

    mashers Contributor Contributor Community Volunteer

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    *shrugs* I'll do it if you really want some!

    Maybe there's a market for a book of eroticised descriptions of foods from overseas ;)

    Oh yes, sorry about that!
     
  24. Trish

    Trish Damned if I do and damned if I don't Contributor

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    I do, and you are very kind to offer, but I would feel awful about it. Any food from the US you want to try?


    There's a niche market for everything.

    Okay, I'm really done now - sorry again.:bigfrown:
     
  25. Shadowfax

    Shadowfax Contributor Contributor

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    We send Jaffa Cakes to our daughter in Australia to remind her of what she's missing...it's OK while the plane's at 35,000 feet, 'cos it's pretty damned cold up there...but after it's been on the tarmac at Brisbane for a couple of hours...she tends to eat them several at once...
     

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