I suppose this is a question of show and tell. I'm in a quandary over the motives of a non-POV character. I have hinted at them earlier in the scene, through his actions and a piece of dialogue, but I'm wondering if I should also have a related character trying to puzzle out what he's after. I'm not saying that the speculator has the right of it, and there may well be an element of misdirection. I submit for your review a passage from the story in question. Pay no attention to the language itself, it's a rough draft. Her brother's words had stung deep. Why had he said that? Was he trying to seed ideas in her head, or was he simply being cruel? With Ehlio, it could go either way. Lithiel was firstborn, and her brother envied her the throne. He had never suggested that in word or deed, but Lithiel knew. She could sense it, somewhere in that place that binds siblings together. But why now, when Ogdru burned and the throne was no better than an oversized chair? The more she thought about it, the less she trusted Ehlio's motives, and her own reasoning about them. Was she simply being paranoid, as he had suggested? Come to think about it, why had he mentioned that at all? Did he hope that, by implicating himself, he would deflect her suspicions? Or did he mean to stoke them? He was playing some sort of game with her, Lithiel was certain of that, but she had no idea of the rules or the pieces or what the board looked like. Is this too heavy-handed? I feel that, perhaps, there is too much telling going on here, at least considering that there is some showing earlier in the scene. As readers, do you mind having character motivations stated or at least suggested to you, or do you prefer a more subtle touch, being given just enough to figure it out on your own? I'm wondering how I can get the balance just right.
Let the reader get suspicious all on his/her own. We are not stupid, and know that an author generally only put on the page what is necessary to the story: so if a character acts strange I'd assume that the author has very good reasons to let this character act strange. It's another 'story' if the POV character needs the introspection, because of story purposes. When it is vital to the plot that the POV character gets suspicious/unsure, then a little introspection is warranted, even necessary. The key here is what the story demands, not what the author wishes.
I think keeping some of this character's internal monologue (the passage you posted) would be good as we can still feel connected to the character in all this, however, I do think you should cut down the amount of internal monologue you have written in that passage in order to find that balance between understanding how the character feels (and what they know/believe) and allowing the reader to build their suspicions. I really like the lines 'She could sense it, somewhere in that place that binds siblings together' and 'He was playing some sort of game with her, Lithiel was certain of that, but she had no idea of the rules or the pieces or what the board looked like' and felt that, on reflection, the rest of the internal monologue could be cut and then shown or implied in a different/less blunt way. Perhaps try playing with those two lines I mentioned in the previous sentence. For (a rough) example: Her brother's words had stung deep. Why had he said that? He was playing some sort of game with her, Lithiel was certain of that. She could sense it, somewhere in that place that binds siblings together. Yet she had no idea of the rules, or the pieces, or what the board looked like. I hope that helps
I wrote a couple more pages, and came to the conclusion that, yes, some introspection is needed for the sake of the story. Her suspicions make her act against her wishes, and is the first good look we get at her ruthless side - she basically gambles with her friend's life in order to gain information. I feel that a small internal monologue is needed to set that up. Yes, you're absolutely right that the passage needs trimming down, and I like what you did with it. Thanks.
I'd whack it up like this: Her brother's words had stung deep. Why had he said that? Was he trying to seed ideas in her head, or was he simply being cruel? With Ehlio, it could go either way. Lithiel was firstborn, and her brother envied her the throne. He had never suggested that in word or deed, but Lithiel knew. She could sense it, somewhere in that place that binds siblings together. But why now, when Ogdru burned and the throne was no better than an oversized chair? The more she thought about it, the less she trusted Ehlio's motives, and her own reasoning about them. Was she simply being paranoid, as he had suggested? Come to think about it, why had he mentioned that at all? Did he hope that, by implicating himself, he would deflect her suspicions? Or did he mean to stoke them? He was playing some sort of game with her, Lithiel was certain of that, but she had no idea of the rules or the pieces or what the board looked like. She asks some relevant questions in the first part, but for most of the second part she's thinking about what's she's thinking and then rethinking and wondering why she's rethinking it. It's good to pose questions, especially when they're directed to the reader (albeit obliquely), but the salient points can be overrode by too much dithering. Also, I think snapping the gag off on "... the throne was no better than an oversized chair." That's a good line with some good food for thought. Let the reader chew it over without hitting us with another half a dozen questions. ETA: I'd also consider swapping "Lithiel" out for another "she," if you're sticking with an interior monologue theme... having her think her name, even if not a direct thought-quote, looks a bit weird. Like she's referring to herself in the third person. Only Homer can do that.
Right you are, Homie. I strongly *RE-EMPHASIZE* that I simply wrote down any and all things that came to mind in a mad flurry. I might have given it a lil' spitshine before taking it public. That's on me. Anyways, now that the structural integrity of my colossal vanity is no longer threatened... I like your take on it as well. I'm not sure yet which bits to keep and which go in the furnace. I left it the way it is in favor of moving the story along (see? I'm learning!) Hey, good catch. I'm not sure I would have spotted that. Thanks! I'll give it some more thought, but I think perhaps Homer is right.
