A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for Chapstick. The clerk hands him the product and says "Is that going to be cash or check?" The duck says "Just put it on my bill." ________________________ Same duck walks into the pharmacy the next day and asks for condoms. The clerk says "Want me to put these on your bill?" The duck says "Are you insane? I'll suffocate!"
Some cheesy jokes here. No, really. Q. How do you coax a bear out of a cave? A. Camembert! Camembert! Q. What cheese can you use you blindfold a horse? A. Mascarpone Q. Which is the best cheese with which to build an inpenetrable hilltop castle? A. Roquefort Q. What's the craziest type of cheese you can find? A. Em-mental Q. Which cheese did the pope bless in 2010, claiming it was the holiest of all cheeses? A. Swiss
A female school teacher, a plumber and a lawyer all died in an accident and went to the Pearly Gates where they were met by St. Peter. They all wanted to enter Heaven, but St. Peter told them they would have to an answer one question before they were allowed in. If they answered correctly, they would go to Heaven and live in Paradise for all eternity. If they got the answer wrong, they would be sent to Hell and suffer for all eternity. So he went to the school teacher. She was a young woman in her mid 20s, quite attractive, worked with children and was very polite and friendly. So he asked her a question. "Back in 1912, a ship on it's maiden voyage had a terrible accident and a lot of people died. What was the name of the ship?" The teacher didn't need to think long before answering "The Titanic". St. Peter smiled, said it was the correct answer and opened the Pearly Gates for her. Then he went to the plumber. The plumber was a middle-aged man, bachelor and quite friendly, but he had certain... body odors... not quite pleasant to be around. St. Peter thought about this for a while, then decided on the question. "How many people died when the Titanic went down?" The plumber thought about and remembered he had just seen the movie on TV a few days before he died. "I think it was... 1.517 people." St. Peter sighed, but agreed it was the correct answer. The plumber went through the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter turned to the lawyer: "Name them."
A guy is at a job interview. "What would you say your strengths and weaknesses are?" the interviewer asks him. "Well, I know my weakness is that I have a bit of trouble separating fantasy from reality. I get them confused sometimes." The guys says. The interviewer asks "What about your strengths?" The guy looks at him and says "I'm Batman."
A man having a midlife crisis buys a brand new Corvette ZR1. Pulling out the car lot he has fun pressing the gas pedal and feeling the rush. On the interstate he accelerates as fast as he can, before he know is he's driving 120 MPH. Looking in his rear mirror he sees the familiar red and blues of the highway patrol. Not wanting a ticket he punches the pedal, and is soon driving at 180 MPH. "What am I doing?" he says to himself, and slows down to pull over. The officer walks to his window. "It's 4:50, I'm off in 10 minutes, if you can give me a reason for speeding I haven't heard before, I'll let you go." The man thinks for a minute. "Well, my wife ran off with a police officer a few years ago, I thought you were bringing her back."
A guy places two cats that appear identical in every respect (weight, breed, color, etc) on a slanted tin roof and lets them go. They both start sliding down the roof, but at different rates so that one of them reaches the edge faster? Why? One cat had a greater mew (mu) - That's the geekiest joke I know.
Three pieces of string are hoping to be served drinks in a pub. Bit of a problem. They're a touch under-age but also ,well, pieces of string. The first piece of string, a very fine and brand-spanking new piece of string, approaches the bar but is turned away by the barman. The second piece of string, more humdrum than the first but still, a very usable piece of string, approaches the bar but is turned away. The third piece of string, a very manky, dirty and worn piece of string, approaches the bar... 'Barman, three pints of beer please.' 'But you're a piece of string aren't you?' 'Nope. I'm a frayed knot.'
I love this jokes I'm no good at jokes.. I'm rather boring so I guess I'll tell a kind of cheesy one. What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?? Artificially intelligent..
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge! Show him your badge!!"
A cowboy strolls into town and heads toward the whorehouse. He walks in and asks one of the women, "Who's the cheapest whore ye got?" The woman says, "Well, there's Marlene on the top floor. She's only a dollar...cause she's dead." So the cowboy walks up stairs and finds Marlene naked on the bed. He does his business and gets dressed. When he goes downstairs he sees the same woman he talked to and says, "That girl up there, I thought ye said she was dead." The woman replies, "Who, Marlene? She is." "How come her nose keeps runnin' then?" The woman looks at him and replies, "Oh, she must be full."
What kind of flower buys Father's Day cards? A sunflower, of course! That was on my popsicle stick...it's been a long time since I had a popsicle, I guess, because I forgot that they have corny jokes on them.