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Loglines

Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by peachalulu, Mar 3, 2015.

  1. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Contributor

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    Perfect!

    The novel is from both POVs, the chapters roughly alternating between them. Or do you mean a logline for each one of them? Hmm.

    When a cricket ball breaks Rachel's ribs, she isn't expecting to fall in love with the batter, or expecting his dark secret to threaten her life.

    When Alex breaks a woman’s ribs, he doesn’t want to fall in love with her, resisting his growing feelings because of the dark secret threatening them both.
     
  2. John Franklin Dandridge

    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    No, no, no, you make perfect sense. Now, you can't use the word worthless for 90 days.
     
  3. GuardianWynn

    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    Huh?
     
  4. John Franklin Dandridge

    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    I don't think separate log lines would work. I say don't worry about the double protagonists, but make sure you have an antagonist or conflict that balances them.
     
  5. John Franklin Dandridge

    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    Your point about how will a reader react to the 27 words, made perfect sense. I definitely don't want anyone scratching their heads.
     
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  6. GuardianWynn

    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    So you thinik only my Valorie one had value. The other two kind of suck?
     
  7. John Franklin Dandridge

    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    No, I like them all. In your original post, it was hard to choose which was best when I thought they were different versions of a logline for for one story.
     
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  8. GuardianWynn

    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    Yay! I made myself a lair again! :D

    I thought I would suck at this. lol
     
  9. John Franklin Dandridge

    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    Ha, ha, ha... funny. I'd actually like to read some of your work.
     
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  10. GuardianWynn

    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    I am always up for sharing. Critics drive my passion to improve! :D

    If you really want to see. Lets start a conversation. I would be happy to show you. :)
     
    thelonelyauthorblog likes this.
  11. John Franklin Dandridge

    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    Awesome. I've never started a conversation in here (I'm new), so I guess you'd PM me?
     
  12. thelonelyauthorblog

    thelonelyauthorblog New Member

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  13. Lifeline

    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Contributor

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    How about that? :)

    Two commanders of opposites armies find out that their war has been unnecessary. Both got tricked. Now they have to stop a raging civil war.
     
  14. doggiedude

    doggiedude Contributing Member Contributor

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    When mother nature finally rejects the abuses humanity has placed upon it Senator Davies works to save two billion of Earth's inhabitants, but who will be chosen?

    Meh .. it's my first try at this thing. Pretty tough when there are six focal characters.
     
  15. Catrin Lewis

    Catrin Lewis Contributing Member Contributor

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    Not bad. How about,

    When Mother Nature finally retaliates against the abuses humanity has inflicted on her, a powerful U. S. senator works to save two billion of Earth's inhabitants. But who will be chosen? And how?
    I suggest not naming the senator at this point, because it's too much detail in the midst of all this cosmic conflict. But either way, your logline doesn't preclude there being six focal characters. In fact, I can see your novel following different stories about various characters and how they succeed or fail to be part of the privileged few.
     
  16. Ahen

    Ahen Member

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    Thanks for adding this to the discussion, I think this model sentence hits just about everything. I don't think it should always be in this order, but I think this gives all the essential elements. I might quibble about the addition of the word "disaster", not everything has to lead to a disaster. " leads to conflict" might be better and more universally applicable.
     
    peachalulu likes this.
  17. RVS

    RVS New Member

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    Here's mine. My full query will be posted in a few minutes:

    The civil war that rages in the kingdom of Arisia never affected Hunter Ashdown. All he wants in life is to explore the land, free from the memories of his dead mother and his missing father.
     
  18. Catrin Lewis

    Catrin Lewis Contributing Member Contributor

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    " . . . free from the memories of his dead mother and his missing father." But? But? What's stopping him? What's the complication? Gotta be something stopping him, at least for now!
     
  19. RVS

    RVS New Member

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    Yikes, I was assuming this was a page for query hooks. Don't know why I didn't notice sooner. Either way, that quote was meant to be a hook for any potential agent.

    My bad
     
  20. Catrin Lewis

    Catrin Lewis Contributing Member Contributor

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    Well, no, not really. Not "bad." But if I understand the matter, a hook of whatever sort is the part where you mention what's keeping the MC from achieving his goal. Just stating the goal is not enough.
     

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