1. Jrax16

    Jrax16 New Member

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    Query Letter Marvin The Monkey (Children's Story)

    Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by Jrax16, Aug 19, 2017.

    Please critique my query letter to an agent with honest feedback. Thank you!!


    Dear Agent:


    I am writing in the hopes of gaining representation for my story.



    Happy-go-lucky Marvin The Monkey and his friendly group of animal friends embark on an adventure around the town of Luccies- and adopt an unlikely new pal along the way.


    A vibrant group of animal pals: Marvin The Monkey, Dixie The Duck, Freddy The Fox, and Petey The Pig go on a walk to the park after drinking smoothies at the Loo-Boo Cafe. They encounter a lonely and upset rabbit on the side of the road while on their way to Fresh Park. The rabbit, Roy The Rabbit, is sad because his parents got into a fight and his mother left the house. Marvin and the group ensure Roy that everything will be fine and teach him the value of supportive friends in times of need.


    MARVIN THE MONKEY is a children's story complete at 885 words, and will appeal to children who enjoyed All A Book of Unconditional Love by Lori Haskins Houran.



    Thank you for you time and consideration!


    Sincerely,


    Daniel Klein


    Daniel Klein

    Danielklein0916@outlook.com
     
  2. CerebralEcstasy

    CerebralEcstasy Active Member

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  3. mashers

    mashers Contributor Contributor Community Volunteer

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    I don't know what is expected from letters to agents as I haven't sent any yet. But reading your letter, I did feel that it took a bit too long to get to the moral of the story within the synopsis. I felt that this should have gone first, before the breakdown of the plot. Also, like @CerebralEcstasy , I felt that there was too much unnecessary detail in the summary (such as the names of all the characters).

    So, building on what @CerebralEcstasy wrote:


    I am seeking representation for my children's book 'Marvin The Monkey', in which a downhearted rabbit learns the value of supportive friends in times of need. A brief synopsis of the 885 page book is as follows:

    A vibrant group of animal pals goes on a walk to the park after drinking smoothies at the Loo-Boo Cafe. They encounter an upset rabbit who is sad because his parents got into a fight and his mother left the house.
    The group ensure assures their new pal that everything will be fine, and teaches him the value of supportive friends in times of need.




    Note the removal of upset - you have already said he is sad. Also note the change of 'ensure' to 'assure', as 'ensure' is not the right verb here. Finally, the subject of that sentence is "the group", which is singular. Therefore, the verbs ('assure' and 'teach') should be third person singular, hence the addition of the final 's'. If you did want "assure" and "teach", then you would have to change the subject of the sentence to something plural, such as "His new animal buddies assure him that..."

    It might be an idea to check through the story itself for these potential corrections. A few grammatical errors in an adult or YA story could be overlooked, but in a children's story they are unforgivable and would no doubt limit your chances of publication.
     
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  4. CerebralEcstasy

    CerebralEcstasy Active Member

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    Thanks mashers! You summed it up even more succinctly than I did.

    I look at query letters like a cover letter for your resume, as its basically a cover letter to introduce your book and hopefully generate some interest in it.

    Like recruiters these people are inundated with requests and we need to stand out among a pile of paper with something that is brief yet informative.

    Sincerely hope this helps.

    p.s. I LOVE the idea of them drinking smoothies, which is why I left that part in. It sounds so cute, and I can just imagine the illustrations which could go with such a novel.

    Let us know how it turns out, I'd buy such a book for my grandchildren because it has a life lesson AND it promotes healthy living. I could even see you potentially marketing it to a smoothie bar, I know Booster Juice showcases a lot of 'healthy living' publications on their shelves where I live.
     
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  5. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin Funky like your grandpa's drawers.... Staff Contributor

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    Are you looking for an agent for an 885 word story? Or is this for a publication editor?
     
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  6. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    Younger children's books have a lot fewer words .. due to the big type and most of the page being pictures.. 885 is actually quite a lot for a story about a monkey who helps a rabbit stop feeling sad

    Little red hen by comparison was 506 (or so google tells us - its not like I sat and counted)
     
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  7. Jrax16

    Jrax16 New Member

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    Thank you everyone for the helpful words. I noticed that Marvin the Monkey is actually a franchise already and published a book in the same name. I think I'm going to just switch the names.
     
  8. Jrax16

    Jrax16 New Member

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    It's for an agent.
     
  9. Jrax16

    Jrax16 New Member

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    Do you mean "address" as in email address or mailing address?
     
  10. CerebralEcstasy

    CerebralEcstasy Active Member

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    Mailing.

    I realize most do their business by email, but that's no reason to not do up a proper business letter.
     

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