I have two characters who have been in a romantic relationship for over ten years. However, since I've never experienced that kind of relationship, I would like to learn about what it's like from people who have actually experienced this. So, what's it like?
Well, I can't speak to that from experience, but why are you trying to write something you have such little knowledge of and are having a hard time imagining? Writing is hard. We don't have to make it harder. When our fiction includes the truths we know, I think it comes out pretty great. And it's most likely the case that any writer who does know what it's like to be in that sort of relationship or situation will probably do a better job with that material. Something really great happens when we start to write stories that only we have the answers to. Just something to think about. Your imagination will still have a field day even if you keep it close to the things you know.
It's not that I'm having a hard time imagining it, but I would like to hear from people who have actually experienced this kind of relationship to understand it more. Also, even though I've personally only experienced high-school crushes, this is something that I really want write.
It might be something you really want to write. And you may very well pull it off. I'm just saying you would probably write it even better a few decades from now.
I'm not sure if I can or should wait for that long. I plan for this couple to be the main characters in this second book of a series I'm writing. So, after I complete the first book, should I immediately start working on the second book or should I wait?
@Andi. Just Andi. -- You seem to be missing my point. Maybe it will click at some point. Maybe it won't. Not going to stick around this thread to argue or go back and forth. Good luck.
Hey there Andi! I think I can help you out! I've known my partner since we were in seventh grade. It's been a really, really long road, but we've known each other for over 12 years, and been in and out of relationships for most of that time. We're currently together. It's not easy, to say the least, but it does carry an underlying trust and understanding. In order to be with someone for that long, you really have to actually like them on some level, and what's more, you have to want to take the time to understand them. Eventually you learn enough about each other to really be able to help or hurt; in my case, it's a lot of helping. We can tell almost instantly when something is up, because we know eachother's quirks and habits. When something is amiss, it's pretty easy to tell. It's also very, very easy to cheer the other up, because again, we know eachother's ins and outs. However, there's also some downsides. When you're together with someone for an extended period of time, you start relying on them to compensate for certain lacks you have. For example, a certain family member of mine passed away while I was dating my partner, and I've relied on them to compensate for that void of love and understanding. Rather than overcoming it on my own and maturing, I ended up relying on them to provide that tender care. It's a pretty cut and try case of co-dependence, rather than interdependence, and on the whole it postpones maturation. It's been a negative that was always meant to be a positive. There are lots of those, and visa-versa, in long term relationships. When you're in a long-term relationship, and I'm sure any married couple here will agree, one of the most important things is communication and open honesty. The death of relationships is hurt turned to bitterness turned to resentment towards your partner. If you're writing a couple in a long term relationship, especially ten years, they know eachother pretty well, and LIKE eachother a lot. They also have some problems, probably, of relying on eachother too much, and each of them probably has a few things that they're VERY resentful of their partner about. However, their desire to be together must outweigh those, or they'd never have made it that far to begin with. Whether or not they actually STAY together is up to how you want their story to end. Hope this helps! Edit: also, I'm absolutely not trying to start anything, but I couldn't disagree more with the 'write what you know' advice. I do agree that you can absolutely translate your emotions to the page infinitely better if you've experienced them. But you should NEVER be discouraged from writing something you don't have any idea about as long as you're willing to do the necessary research to do it well. I'd hate for anyone to be PC'd into "you don't know it so you're not allowed to write about it". I've never been a wizard hero out to save the world, but if that means I'm not allowed to write about it, well darn it all!! I won't budge!! "The fake is of far greater value. In its deliberate attempt to be real, it's more real than the real thing."
Long term romantic relationships, differ as much as the weather. Some survive on continuous shouting matches, some survive on hugs and kisses, some on sarcasm. Just like everything in life, there isn't a magic formula for relationships. Look at yours, or others, parents, and see how they interact - Which some survive by not interacting lol. Some survive on trust, friendship, others on sex and/or drinking. Some on roses each week. The world is your oyster with this one. Relationships are a bit like painting a picture, there are no rules to say you have to paint something literally - go crazy, draw a weird line, use a strange colour. Relationships are the same, behind closed doors its a myriad of different feelings & attitudes that attract people to each other. As a writer you have the opportunity to explore this yourself. Good luck with the book. EDIT: what infel said ;-) Rgds
Agree with this 100%! All of it, but especially the Edit. I've never been in a long term relationship, either (I'm asexual), but by Book 2, my protags have been together for a decade, married for 6 years. I'm influenced by my parents', bro's and grandparents' marriages, but also taking it to a different level and making my protags' marriage unique to them. I'm not a spy (although I suspect a spy would say that, too. ) - my protags are. I'm not a neurosurgeon - my protags need one. I apply what I do know, and research what I don't. If we could only write about we personally know, how in the World were whole Sci-Fi and fantasy worlds created?! According to that logic, not only should I not be writing a spy thiller, but werewolves, vampires, superheroes from other planets, Dr Who and his various monster foes - all of these should never exist!
I think Infel has said it best. I am only in the early stages of a LDR, but definitely agree about the openness, honesty, trust, understanding. Depending on how your characters first get together will dictate the foundations of that relationship. Mine is very different from all of my previous relationships because we haven't yet met in the flesh, and so we make up for that with audio and video calls, and we communicate every day. You need to have some ways to bridge the gap between them. When you don't have a physical aspect to a relationship, it changes the dynamic. Other things like scents and sounds have more significance when you associate them with someone you can not touch.
The only problem with that kind of advice is that it limits what we can write about. I've never lived in a fantasy world, so I shouldn't write fantasy. I'm not a man, so I can't write from a male's perspective. That's the slippery slope such thoughts can lead to, in my opinion. I've never been in a romantic relationship at all, and yet there is at least one in most of my stories, and I never feel awkward about it. That's where empathy, or, "putting yourself into another's shoes" comes in to play. @Andi. Just Andi. We can all try writing about things we haven't personally experienced, and only then can we find out if we can pull it off. It never hurts to try.
I've been married to the same guy for nearly 24 years (together for 27), and we're still mostly crazy about each other. we met as dippy 20 year olds in college and are now 47 years old. I guess the one thing that I would emphasize is how much effort and compromise goes into a healthy long-term relationship as the partners move though different phases of their life both separately and together. I feel like I've been lucky enough to get my own Happily Ever After, but it's something that we have to work at and nurture every day.
There seems to be a preoccupancy with the concept of being "limited." I find this ironic as most members here are aware that few aspiring novelists ever publish, let alone even complete a the first draft of their manuscript. Considering how unlikely it is to finish, you'd think we'd be less concerned about being "limited" and more concerned about being driven forward. The point of @deadrat's advice is that "write what you know" makes it easier for you to write and easier for what you write to be good. Writing fiction is already a difficult task. It makes sense to want to make it as easy for you as possible.
Ah, for me it is easier to write about made-up worlds than the one I live in. My life is boring. I want fiction to take me as far away from the real world as possible, and that includes what I write. But, that's just me.
Sorry I couldn't reply to this earlier, but I didn't think I'd get so many replies so fast. So, from what I understand so far, a long-term relationship creates a deeper understanding and trust of one another as you've learned about each others quirks, personalities, and so on. However, this understanding and trust and also lead to co-dependency when tragedy hits. Yet, if the ones involved are both willing to be interdependent of each other rather than co-dependent, this could strengthen the relationship. Furthermore, some of the most important foundations of a long-term relationship include communication, honesty, trust, compromise, and understanding. If these aren't used, then someone who feels that they have been wronged by their partner can feel angry and resentful towards them. This resentment then festers until the relationship just dies. Let me know if anyone has anything to add to this. As for the "write what you know" advice, I understand it more as gain more experience in the subject before you start writing it. And, I do agree. I won't necessarily get into a long-term relationship now or in the future, but I should still gain more experience and knowledge on the subject before trying to write one on my own.
I'm certain there's a very similar thread - try doing a search. I forget what the thread title is, but the OP asked a couple of questions like, "When did you know this was the one?" and "What annoys you about the other person?" or some such things. I believe it received a number of responses, including my own. You might find quite a lot of info there.
Just my 2p, but... To me, it's more about what it isn't than what it is. Young love and new love are erratic and turbulent things, filled with highs and lows. My relationship with William has lasted as long as it has and is as successful as it is because we know one another well enough to know how to keep things at a 5 rather than let things swing between 1 and 10, emotionally. That kind of wild ride sounds exciting and thrilling, and especially when you're young, it sounds romantic and alluring, but that wild ride can only last for so long before it either ends or, if you're lucky, it smooths out and things become steady and even. That's how it is for me. William and I also have very different interests and things we like to do. A big part of the magic of our relationship is that we're both perfectly comfortable letting the other have his respective life. We're not two halves of a whole. We're two individuals, complete unto ourselves, who share their lives together. Not everyone will think that description sounds ideal, which only makes sense, since people are not all looking for the same thing.
Nobody has, so there's little chance of you getting it wrong. You're the God of your world. Let there be raspberry-flavoured rain clouds. Just try it @Andi. Just Andi. Even if you had LTR experience it's unlikely to be the same experience as someone else, so there's always the chance that someone else will question it. Do your research like you're doing, use your imagination, and write with conviction. Good luck!
Haha, but that's pretty much all healthy relationships really. You don't wanna look for someone to fix or someone to "complete" you. You want someone you can respect, and who's your equal, which usually means strong enough to stand on his own, which usually means the guy has his own life and his own interests and pursuits. Long term, you also learn to read each other well enough to adjust - you know what's important and what's not to the other person and for those particular things, you make an effort to accommodate, and the other person makes an effort to forgive, because you ain't ever gonna care about exactly the same things in exactly the same way to exactly the same extent. Part of the thrill of romance when you're starting is "Does he, doesn't he?" I guess. That excitement and disbelief of "Wow he chose me! This can't be real." When you've been together long-term, that thrill just isn't there because you know he loves you, and honestly, it's so much better. It's like having that home to go back to, that love you know you can rely on. It isn't exciting, but it's exactly what you need.
@Mckk - Unfortunately, I could not find the thread you were talking about, but thank you anyway. @Wreybies - That actually sounds like a really nice relationship. From what I understand, young love is unpredictable and it often leads to co-dependency rather than interdependency as the partners involved think of themselves as one rather than two individuals with individual needs. Long-term relationships, however, less thrilling and more predictable than young love, but that is what makes it more comfortable and reliable. Am I right so far? @pyroglyphian - Yes, I think I will write out this relationship, especially since I've got this much insight on it.
Not sure what your story is going to be like, so I'll just give a broad account from what I've seen: Don't forget how wrong it can go, though. I have not been in a relationship for the kind of time you want, but my parents have. They've been together for about 40 years. First of all, it's important to note the nature of my parents relationship is subtly different than what people consider relationships nowadays. They weren't really in love or anything, simply they liked each other enough, so they got married. The goal was just to raise a family. This was the norm where they came from and at the time they came from there. So, ideally, this kind of relationship would result in a compounding increase in their trust for each other and what not. But, what happened is more that over the years they built up a LOT of grudges and resentment against each other which caused frequent shouting matches, destruction of property(dad through a TV into the wall once, knocked crap off my mom's dresser and broke some perfume bottles, etc.), and an environment of lethargy, stagnation, and bad interpersonal problem-solving skills (for the kids). Nevertheless, divorce isn't in their nature, so they manage to find ways to compromise and avoid the problem for awhile. Another interesting observation is that, you'd think they would maybe get better at communicating with each other over time, but actually, they've gotten worse at communicating. They intentionally try to misrepresent each other in order to make the other one look like the one who is in the wrong. But I think the most important thing is to capture that cycle between when they push the problem aside for anywhere from a couple hours to a few months, and when they resume the loud, often polarizing arguments. If the couple has kids, another thing that may happen is that the kids will be called into their arguments to take sides and that makes for a very awkward situation. Could be interesting to explore. But, get that ebb and flow thing going. Because the environment in the house changes drastically when quiet and on okay terms and when on the brink of denunciation. Frequent threats for divorce, one of them (usually the dad) leaving the house for a few days, randomly taking it out on one of the kids, these kinds of things. Damn, feel like I just went to a therapy session. I'm only posting this because maybe it'll help. Good luck.
Wow, this kinda reminds me of my own family to some degree. Anyway, thank you for the advice. I might actually apply this to any built-up resentment the couple will likely have for the romantic subplot.
The thoughts expressed above as a whole is certainly one valid way of looking at long term relationships. However, I can't help but feel that at least in some cases calling a long term relationship "not thrilling" is more of a projection of ones own individual life on their relationship. Like people said above, one shouldn't necessarily rely on a relationship to fix their own life. If we believe that, really there's no reason why a decades long relationship can't stay sexy. It's two individuals independently growing and evolving themselves and also growing and evolving the life that they share. In that case, the only difference between your spouse of x years and the person you've never met before is that with one of them you share a history. The spouse of ten years is notthe same person you knew back then (if he/she is a growing evolving person) and you aren't the same person either (if you're a growing number evolving person). So the attraction of newness is still present at least to some extent. And, if you were truly attracted to each other from beginning, I believe that's still there also. Personally, if a relationship becomes boring after a decade, I'm not sure that if you didn't remove the relationship you still wouldn't be equally as bored. Likewise, if a relationship is still exciting, you might likewise still be excited with your life even without the relationship.
So, it's not that the relationship is stagnant and boring. It's moreso you know what that person was like in the past because of your history and you still continue to grow and change alongside that person. Is this a proper summary if what you're saying?
