Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

Ha! According to that, I've been in one long existential crisis since before I was even grown. If it wasn't for the fact I recognise that others feel the same, I'd have opted out years ago. Thank goodness for shared experience.

 

You'll be alright. We all end up in the same place anyway. So what does it matter?

 

Ah, but do we? I'll freely admit that the worst of my crises have been brought about by the fact I'm not even a smidge religious, prompting the nihilistic cry of: What's the point <Insert interrobang here.

 

I haven't been reading this thread lately because I've been struggling a lot with anxiety, and I felt like putting myself in a little bubble. Today was particularly bad and I ended up having a little cry on my way home from work.

But this evening I went to my first political party meeting, and for two hours I was trying to pluck up the courage to speak. There were 40 people there and public speaking is one of my worst nightmares: one I've tried to face repeatedly, but still terrifies me.

Anyway, I was so annoyed with myself because I knew I would come home angry and frustrated that I'd been too shy to speak. So right at the last minute I stuck my hand up, and actually it was fortuitous timing--I got the last comment of the meeting, so nobody could reply to me. I made my little speech and even though I'm sure it was obvious I was nervous, and the delivery could have been way better, I said what I wanted to say. Doesn't sound like much but it was a big achievement for me.

Tonight I'll lay awake going over and over what I said and wondering how stupid it made me sound, but I would rather do that than go over and over how useless and cowardly I am for not having the courage to say my piece. With anxiety, you have to choose your battles...

 

I'm having one of those days. Feeling everything and nothing and my brain just can't hack it. I know exactly what is going on. Doesn't help a jot.

I'm a big co-morbid mish-mash of symptoms right now. I know I'm running manic... I suspected this would happen. Since my meds were changed, despite initially feeling okay, I've felt an upsurge in energy, which in itself isn't a bad thing, but can I feel my relative mental stability starting to come apart at the same time. I don't know whether it's down to the lack of sedation but I'm writing again, and I'm back to having to confront what other people think. It's a lose/lose situation. If someone says something negative, I think they are out to get me, if they say something positive, well, I can't help but think they are either, a: trying to gee me up, or b: totally deluded and unable to see me for the completely useless excuse for a human being I am.

You should have seen the state of me last week, on the run up to the judging of the 10th Anniversary comp. Borderline 101. It was like waiting fo find out which ring of hell I was going to end up in, while standing unprotected at the mouth of a blast furnace. To say I was feeling sensitive doesn't come close.

I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I find it so hard to put myself and my emotions on the line. It's like when I sat exams back at school. Anything less than an A didn't mean I hadn't studied enough. It meant complete invalidation of all that I am and, in the end, I bailed without proving to myself, and the world at large that, yes, I am good enough. That's my usual tack, to completely withdraw to protect myself and others, (I'm capable of lashing out at the drop of a hat, and I don't take prisoners) but I can only do that so far as I have responsibilities, and to fail to live up to those would make me feel worse than I already do. So, nothing else for it but to plough on and try to find humour in the situation, when what I really want to do is curl up in a ball and feel immensely sorry for myself. Sometimes it feels like the last forty years has been marred by my inability to compartmentalise conflicting emotions.

And yes... even as you read this I can feel you judging me. *sighs*

Consciousness, that annoying time between naps.

 

@obsidian_cicatrix I'm not judging you; I totally relate. But you know what most people would do? They wouldn't even try, so there was no chance of failure. You took the braver route and your story was at least two people's favourite.

 

@Tenderiser On this occasion, I tried. I've just got to the age where I'm seriously taking stock, and it's obvious to me that I've missed out on so much of life, mostly through my own fear of living. Perhaps, the worst part is that I allowed myself to believe my circumstances were a reflection of my worth. On good days I realise that is not necessarily the case, on bad days, I believe I deserved every damn minute of it.

I'm just gonna hang tight and wait for the next BP mood shift... that's normally what it takes to drag my ass out of this self pitying/loathing rut.

Next thing I know, I'll be thinking I'm better than everyone else.

 

Just remember @obsidian_cicatrix - master has failed more than novice has tried.

 

When I see people like dad or my older sister roll their eyes or complain whenever I screw up around them or when people insult me when I do dumb things I often beat myself for messing up too much. I often wish I could do better so people like my older sister and my dad don’t get on my case, but it’s hard because the solutions either go right over my head or never come to me in the first place, which me feel even more dumb. Because of this I have this strong suspicion that most people are judging me behind my back whenever I screw up, either in their heads, under their breaths, or to other people. It’s hard to ignore then when you derive your self-worth from other people. This is where my negative self-talk, poor self-image, and the anxiety primarily come from.

 

Took the words right out of my mouth -- except mine comes from coworkers, not family.

I worked at Petco for a year about three years ago. I've only been with them now for about a month. And for some reason, they expect me to know how to do everything because I worked here once upon a time. But it's completely different this time since I'm a manager now.

Just the other day, I was learning how to receive truck. Someone wanted to surrender animals, and my boss told me to do it. When I asked him how, he just shook his head, turned, and walked away without a word. He made me feel like there was something wrong with me for not knowing, like I wasn't trying hard enough. And nothing is worse for me than feeling inadequate.

But you just have to remind yourself that their opinion of you is none of your business. You're doing the best you can, and that's all you can do. If they can't accept it, that's their problem, not yours.

 

Thanks.

 

I dread going to work. Today still be fine -- I work a mid shift, so I won't be the MOD at all today.

But tomorrow I have to open at 9 by myself. And no other manager will be there until 2. Several problems with this. 1) Because I'll be the only manager, I'm not allowed to leave the building, which means I can't take my allotted smoke breaks and have to eat lunch in the break room, which I never do. I guess it isn't a huge deal. It just feels unfair. 2) This will be the first time where I'm the only manager for basically my entire shift. 3) Saturdays are busy. A lot happens, including animal adoptions, and I don't appreciate that my first shift completely alone is the busiest day of the week. 4) We're having a special reptile rally event that day, which means it'll not only be busier, but I'll also have special things I need to do. None of which have been communicated to me.

I hate being a manager. I hate it so much. When I was first offered this position, I thought it'd be great. I had a great team, great managers teaching me, and I'd be fine. No. I have a terrible team, terrible managers not teaching me, and I'm not fine. I'm freaking out. My stomach hurts, I'm so panicked. I can't do this. I just can't! But I promised my husband I'd try. At first, we agreed in six months. Then I got him down to three months. Now he's down to the beginning of October, which is only two months since we're going on vacation next week until the beginning of August.

I hate feeling this way. I used to think I was so good handling responsibility. And it turns out, I am... but only when there are no consequences when I fail. I can rock out some projects. I can get a list of tasks and get them done pretty quickly. But now that there are stakes, now that I can screw up the store if I mess up, I realize I'm not as good at responsibility as I thought. I'm not rising to the occasion -- I'm crumbling. I'm collapsing in on myself, pulling my knees up and just trying to stay in one piece. I feel like I'm one mistake away from fracturing into a million pieces. I just don't want to do this anymore. I've been so happy recently, finally the person I always thought I could be. And now I'm moving backwards. If I stay in this place too long, I'm afraid I'll lose myself again.

I just can't do this anymore.

 

@Lea`Brooks

I thought the same and ended up staying with my last employer for 8 years, don't ask me how. In my experience, your grievances are some of the most commonly felt. Employers convenience will always take precedence over yours. Understaffing is all par for the course these days. Sucks but that's how it is. There were times I thought I was going to completely lose the plot and there were plenty of tears and tantrums, but my self-esteem required that I didn't give up. It took approximately two years to settle myself but I'm glad I persevered just to have experienced what it was like to work that job those last 6 yrs. Chances are, if I'd looked for another job, (Edit: With less responsibility) I would have encountered similar problems, only I'd have been even further down the pecking order, and you know what they say about shit rolling downhill.

 

Friday I went to a clinic to see if they could help me with the way have been feeling for the last few years. I orginally wanted to go to that clinic but they refered me to an adult one instead which only succeeded in making me worse. Four months down the line I was able to go to the young adult's clinic only for them to say, we'll go through your details, problems, diagnose you but you will be refered back to adults (This is because of my birthday). I have now just got confirmation that I will not be going to the young adult's clinic and they haven't really 'diagnosed' me just suggested things which is the same thing that I've been through for the last twelve months. Backwards and forwards from the doctors saying you seem to have low esteem, easily worried and very tearful. I even had one doctor say its probably part and parcel of my autism. I don't think so. Not anymore. I've always been negative but over the last two years I have got lower and lower.
Just wanted to tell you, get it off my mind.

 

Not actually asking for medical advice, just personal, so I hope this doesn't violate the rules.

I have a cousin who lives in Chicago, and I just found out she's bipolar. She's been posting really strange things on Facebook, one after the other, for almost three days straight. And since she's the kind of person who never posts on Facebook, it's been weird to see her so active. Plus, she's been posting all through the night too so I'm not sure how much sleep she's gotten. And just now, she called me to ask for help about a baby bird. When I asked if she moved him, she said, "No, I just put my batman toy next to him to keep him safe."

Now... I don't know anything about bipolar disorder. But does this sound like a manic state? Should I do something e.g. call her parents and have them check in on her? She had a breakdown about a year ago and spent a couple months in a hospital. So I just don't want her to spiral out again. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

Certainly can't hurt to talk to her parents. Maybe they've already checked on her, which may give you some peace of mind, but if they haven't I bet they would like to know if they're daughter might need help.

 

Struggling with depression more than ever. I'm just so tired of the world and people.

 

I suffer from depression and anxiety. Been to a number of therapists and been on all sorts of prescriptions. I'm off of both right now and feel like I'm doing better. Three years ago though, I nearly killed myself a couple of times. I think my biggest problem is that when things start going wrong, at that time, they cascaded and everything went wrong at once. I got depressed, which caused insomnia, which cause auditory and visual hallucinations, which made me feel like I'd lost control of myself and didn't want to be on the ride anymore. If it weren't for my wife, I'd probably either be dead or committed right now. Now I'm not on the ride, I'm back in the driver's seat. I'm always worried about those voices though, I know they're still in the back seat, I still lose lucidity from time to time.

 

So I was over in the "Why can't I just write" thread, and talking about the four stories that I wrote last time I tried StoryADay. (Where you write, you know, a story a day.)

And realized things about those stories, many of which I had realized already, but something about it feels vaguely new to me:

- Those stories are all about being denied love from where you expcted to get it and getting love or a substitute somewhere else, and betrayal, and destroying--sometimes by consuming, once by removing from existence--those that you're supposed to or expected to love. And some mishmash about love and hunger and food. I didn't see those themes until months after I wrote them.

- I was vaguely trying to recall why I stopped that StoryADay after only four stories, and I realized or re-realized that it was because my mother died the day after I wrote the last one.

- So (duh, semi-realization) those stories, AND the decision to do StoryADay in the first place, were a reflection of my mind during the time when my mother was dying.

- And, yes indeed, when I look at those themes and I look at my relationship with my mother, my response is "Oh. Yeah. That makes sense." I was on the way to the transition from "Mom never loved me and probably never will." to "Mom never loved me." Without the "probably." And dealing with perhaps some guilt over the fact that the loss of that "probably" was not a loss, but a relief.

- And the closest thing to love that Mom expressed for me was making fried chicken. F... bleeping chicken.

- So maybe I did StoryADay because I had something to tell myself.

- So maybe I have the craving to do it again because I have something to tell myself again.

Maybe.

 

ChickenFreak

 

Hello lovely people. I thought I was doing pretty good but then I had an 'initial consultation' with a group therapy chap and he made me feel more sick and broken than ever. I went from "nearly there" to "on the verge of slipping entirely out of existence" in about 8 minutes. Well done, that guy.

I get that he had to try me out with confrontation to see how well I'd cope with the group but a heads up or at least an admission that he was trying to rile me would have been nice. I'm so angry and upset and there's not a bloody thing I can do. I essentially paid for someone to be rude to me for an hour. I don't want to be thinking about it all the time: replaying the meeting and what I should have said... and what he would have made of that and thrown back at me so that even in my own fantasy version of it I don't "win". Don't want to feel like that smug little git has got under my skin, but he has, by being smug and gitty.

Anyway... "hi"

And apologies for whinging about counselling when I'm pretty damn lucky to have access to such a thing. I know a lot of people don't.

Also, this thread could do with an alternative to 'like'. Do we have an 'I hear ya. Have a cookie.' option?

 

^ You should strangle that clout. Some people are in that position because they like to watch others squirm, I think. Really makes everyone else look bad and makes it difficult to find the legit ones who actually wanna help.

 

Hi @Sal Boxford.

Imo, that sort of tack should be employed first in a private setting, not a public one. What was he trying to do...add some humiliation into the mix?

And yes...an 'I hear ya' button would do well in here, though I'm not sure it's possible. I end up liking a comment, just because the person posting it had felt free to unburden, but, you're right; it's not quite the same thing.