Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

Great plans, Lea. Just relax and get away. Sometimes that's enough to give you a new perspective. Good luck.

 

That sounds like a plan Lea. Like Jan says just take it easy and recharge your batteries, enjoy the things you ordinarily can't. Feeling like you are unable to be true to yourself is a horrible feeling. I hope you find the peace you need and deserve.

 

Today was a sucky day. I realised I'm not at all happy at my new job, but also that I don't have the energy to job hunt again. I wish going back to my old team was an option--I didn't realise how much I would miss them until I was gone--but my old team is no more and the company has changed. I *might* be able to mould my new job to be more fulfilling, which is what I've done in every role in the past, but I'm not sure. It's not just that I'm so, so tired, but that this is a big corporation and not the small, family-like businesses I've been with in the past.

I feel so down about it. I don't need advice, because I know what I need to do. Just talking aloud.

I've also contacted my best friend twice since we had a stupid argument and she's ignoring me. It's been well over a month. 10 years of friendship gone, both of us propping up the other, because of a ridiculous disagreement that lasted less than a minute? Wtf?

 

Sorry, @Tenderiser . None of that sounds like fun. At all.

 

I'm been feeling much better, physically and emotionally. Unfortunately it's only because I'm suppressing it. Suppressing everything. Otherwise I'd fall apart. I went to therapy Friday, and it broke me again. I couldn't think or function. I just sat in my house after that, playing mindless games and listening to the same song on repeat (literally all day). Then I went to work and could barely do anything but cry. I felt like my skin was the only thing holding me together. That at any moment, I was going to explode and cease to exist. But I was the manager. I couldn't fall apart. The store depended on me. So I sucked it up. Pulled myself together. And now I'm moving again, though for how long, I don't know.

My therapist made me realize I'm blaming myself for what's happening. Not for what my husband did but for the aftermath. I feel like I should be letting this go. I should accept what happened and move on. I should love my husband and realize this is the life I chose and thinking anything else is wrong. I should accept our bland lifestyle and accept that life will never be perfect and accept this man and accept that maybe true compatibility doesn't exist. Throw out my "grass is greener" outlook and just accept what I have. Because there's no guarantee I'll ever find better. Maybe this is the best it gets.

But then she pointed out that the body doesn't lie. I've lost ten pounds in the last two weeks. I've had to buy basically an all new wardrobe because everything literally falls off of me. I was nauseous for a week straight. I had a headache every day. I completely skipped my menstrual cycle this month. I can't fake that. My mind is so fractured that it's tearing my body apart, system by system. Something is wrong.

But what if I still am to blame? I can't get over the "grass is greener" outlook. I've been like this my whole life. I always feel like there's something more, something greater for me. I've never been satisfied with what I have. Is that because there really is something better? Or is this just some stupid cycle I need to break? Will I ever be satisfied? Do I want to be satisfied? A lack of satisfaction creates transformation and experience. Forces you out of your comfort zone to find the spectacular. But where does it end? Does it ever end? Will I be forever on a journey to find the next best thing? Sure, exciting in the moment, but for long-term stability and happiness? If I can't be happy with what I have, will I ever be happy?

These are the thoughts I'm struggling with now. Comfort and complacency, versus excitement and passion. And I'm worried that, in chasing the latter, I'll miss out on something great. I'll give up my best chance at happiness looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. You're always told as a child to reach for the stars. Now that I'm doing it, I'm worried it's the wrong thing. Eventually you'll realize you can't reach them. They'll always be unattainable. Is that where I am now? Reaching for something I'll never have?

Ugh. Everything is awful.

 

No, no, I said that. lol That's me blaming myself.

I've been looking more into "grass is greener syndrome," and I don't think that's what I'm suffering from anymore. Sure, my mind goes there but it goes there because of underlying issues. The first serious relationship I had, I left because he basically called me an idiot on a regular basis. The second relationship I left because he didn't give me to opportunity to be myself. He criticized my clothes to the point where I started wearing what he liked. He criticized my behavior until I started behaving the way he liked. And he really didn't approve of my spirituality or know how to handle me when I got upset.

This time? He doesn't criticize my decisions or make me feel badly about my wardrobe or spirituality. He's gentle with me when I have anxiety issues. But he does make me feel like I'm the problem in the relationship. That I'm overreacting and need to see things differently. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again. Every time he breaks my trust, it takes me months to build it back up. Then he does something to break it again. It's starting to become a pattern that I'm not sure will ever be fixed.

So yeah. I feel like I have legitimate reasons to leave this time too and that it's not just me looking for greener grass.

 

Related note:

One caution about being single: it's completely addictive. I've avoided serious relationships for quite a while now, and I honestly can't imagine getting back into one. Friends with benefits, casual dating, long-term but low-commitment are all fine, but living with someone? Letting someone into my home to mess the place up and want things his way at least some of the time? Hell, no. Having to go to twice as many boring social events because we need to please his friends/family as well as mine. Nope, not good. Having someone there all the time, hovering in the background, walking around as if he has a right to, breathing my damn air....

You get the picture. Independence is nice. It's made me almost completely unwilling to compromise on any sort of relationship. The first roadblock that comes up? See ya. I'd rather be on my own, because being on my own is excellent.

 

I honestly haven't even considered it. I don't want to jump from a marriage to a relationship. I want some time for just me, to figure out who I am again. Dating may happen with someone, not necessarily Ryan, but I'm not ready to settle with someone immediately. I need to get my shit in order.

I've always loved being in a relationship. I like having someone to come home to and share with and take care of. Being single was fun, but I got hurt a lot and that was not fun. lol

 

A momentary lapse when I was first having a hard time. But it passed.

 

Maybe for your mental health it would be best to spend time alone, although I get what you're saying. I never liked being single either. It's just that your hubby has come across kinda scummy and I feel you deserve better, at least a better version of him (so counseling might be a good idea, as others have suggested). There are guys out there who won't betray your trust and who will have your side, who will be like "it's us against the world", and who will treat you right. Sure, everyone has their flaws, but certain flaws are toxic to relationships. Maybe your hubby is that guy (instead of this Ryan who sounds too good to be true, tbh), and he just has his reasons behind breaking your trust. There can sometimes be pretty serious issues and problems behind the mistakes we make in relationships, and especially men tend to keep these issues to themselves for fear of appearing weak if they let them out in the open. If your hubby is fishing for attention from other women, maybe he feels neglected or his self-esteem is really, really low. It doesn't justify his actions, but it might explain the lapse in his judgment when he did what he did.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine how heavy a toll it must take. I'd be in shambles too if I were in your shoes. Hang in there, take some alone-time, and hopefully you will find the right path to follow.

 

I just want a hug, or maybe snuggle with a warm body and know
that everything is going to be ok.
Anything would be better than feeling like I am useless and worthless.
Tired of feeling alone and without meaning or purpose.
I can't even write, because I feel like it will not mean anything.
Oh well. Maybe I am just as pointless and useless as I feel.
Wishful thinking, from a guy trying to figure out how to find
and feel love when neither exists presently.
Maybe my number is up soon, and all this pain will end. IDK.

 

I'm sorry, Troll. I don't mean to ignore your post, and I'll get back to you, I promise. But I'm too pissed to be sympathetic right now and I need to get it out.

So I said I've been doing good, right? I essentially said, hey, I need to function. I need to put my big girl pants on and pull myself together because I can't keep doing what I've been doing. So I did. And apparently, that pissed off my husband.

I came home and he barely spoke to me. I asked him at least a dozen times what was wrong and he kept saying he was fine. Now, I'm not blind. Clearly something was wrong, so I finally got him to open up. And he told me that he knows things have been better and I've been fine, but he can't keep pretending that everything is fine when it isn't. So I sat down and told him, as calmly and emotionlessly that I could that, no, I'm not okay. But I'm acting okay because I have to. I told him he betrayed my trust and it broke me. But I don't feeling emotionally stable or safe enough to discuss it.

Ohhh, and guess what he did? He fucking blamed it on me. "We were golden four weeks ago, then you went looking for something to be mad about. Everything is a crisis with you." I told him the fact that he didn't see that this was a crisis makes it a crisis. To which he said, "You've betrayed my trust before too. This isn't the first time you've gone through my shit." To which I replied, "and this isn't the first time you've had sexual conversations with women online. I thought we were over that, and you did it again."

Then I ended the conversation. Granted, this is the short version. There was much discussion before he started blaming me, but it doesn't matter. Because I only took two things away from it. 1) He blamed me because I found it. And 2) he doesn't think this is a problem.

My marriage is over. I'm still going to go through with couple's therapy when I get home. But if this is any indication of things to come, my marriage is over.

 

@Lea`Brooks ,

Don't worry about little old me, you have bigger things to deal with.
I am tougher than you might think. I know all about divorce and
moving on. So you take care of you, ok.

I am sorry yours didn't work out.

Take it easy, and know that I care.

 

Spoiler: happy picture

I hope this photo of me and my pets will at least brighten your hearts up a bit. 'Cause both of you are going through some phenomenal shit no one has to go through.

@Cave Troll - You mean something. That bullshit voice that tells you otherwise? Full, pure bullshit. You mean something to us. We may just appear as boxes filled with words, but know that there's a human being behind those boxes and we all love you.

@Lea`Brooks - OK, your husband can just go properly fuck himself and throw his sorry fat ass into the Potomac. Mistakes happen, we all fuck up, but blaming others like he's doing is childish and cowardly. He's not a man, he's a boy. A man child, much like his roommate. Seems to me he just wants to re-capture his youth by playing on his Nintendo Switch with his fuckbuddy roommate.

Sorry for the foul language, but the way they keep treating you is making my blood boil. They are fully grown men and they're acting like spoiled little boys and treating you like you're in the wrong.

 

I've been here more times than I care to recall. Yes, sometimes a hug will help a lot, but sometimes it's just not enough. You have one thing to understand though, people do care and love you, more than you probably realize. When I was dealing with this feelings to the extreme, I often flew into either a rage, or sulked into very dark depression. If you ever need to talk in private feel free to PM me, I have been where you are. I realize I'm not suppose to give advice on this thread, but I do have some suggestions if you'd like to hear them. I will say though that there's a light to be found in the darkness, but often it can't be seen until it's upon you...if that makes sense.

Edit: healthy activities like exercise will help a lot, trust me, but it's hard to get started doing it...worth it though.

 

I do try to exercise a bit. But 3 yrs with very limited human
contact is a bit taxing. Knowing that I am stuck alone has not
been much help, when my ex gets to be happy, and me forced
to be alone all the time.

 

Being lonely is a tough one. May I ask how long you were with your ex before splitting, if that's not too invasive a question? There's two parts to human contact, one is physical, the other is emotional and mental. Love brews in the latter, but it can be often hindered by the former. I figure you've tried dating, maybe even some dating websites? I will say that it's harder to find someone special the more you try, mostly if your mind gets too wrapped up in the searching, and desperation starts bleeding through in conversations. According to many people, I seemed extremely desperate, and it did not help me in the least...but I was completely unaware that it was happening.

It was worse for me though, I was 26 and had never been in an official relationship...I was jealous of people that even had exes. I'd get upset just hearing about someone's ex, and I had dates here and there but I ended them all myself because I just couldn't force myself to like someone that I truly had no interest in...it's not worth being in a bad relationship, and I was wise enough to spot one before in went very far at all. When I did find someone I truly liked, it was the oddest of circumstances...and it happened when I had officially given up in my mind. Within a week of finally telling myself I was simply going to quit looking and stop feeling the desire for it, that's when it happened for me. I had decided to start living for myself. I was even going to grow out a nice beard like the ones that some guys were sporting. All of these things switched in my mind. All I'm saying is that sometimes "looking" instead of simply "living" can help a lot.

Do stuff for yourself. A lot of friends told me to "get out there", go "make yourself available", etc. All that ever found me was a bunch of random people I didn't like... If you go start some hobby though, that you like, or get into things that interest you in some way (perhaps you have a few already, I had to create mine since I'm rather bland and boring), then you'll find someone that you'll get along with. Don't do it for that reason though, do it for you, and it has the added bonus of making yourself happier while you do it, and that makes one seem more attractive.

Sorry, that's a lot of information...but stuff I wished people had told me when I was in this sort of situation. Disregard it all if you like, not sure why I wrote all that, but maybe something in there will help?

 

We were to together approx. 9yrs, married for almost 5.
I have been trying to date, but with no such luck. About
to give up on the dating thing. I have no friends to speak
of as my last friend all but disappeared. I couldn't be more
available than I am already. No one is interested in a broke
honest writer. Just not meant to find that special someone.

 

9yrs...damn. It may be bad advice because everyone is different, but yes, give up on dating, but don't give up on yourself. You are who you are, and you should be that person you want to be. Sounds obvious, and maybe even vague, but it's true. I know what it feels like to lose friends as well. Every friend I've ever had has left me, I have none to speak of. I'll make friends sometimes, but I've stopped caring so much, I know they'll leave eventually.

There is someone out there for you though, I promise. Doesn't matter your financial state, your personal habits, your personality, or even your looks...but your mind is going to tell you that all of these are bad, even if you're the nicest person, with a great reflection when you look in the mirror. Shut that negative part of your brain off, it's wrong. Write down ten things that are good about you instead, and maybe even post it in the bathroom or something and read them every day. That's just a suggestion though, and one I've been told to do a lot.

Also, just thought I'd throw this out there, not sure if you are or not...but whatever you do, don't start drinking alcohol. Made that mistake myself, don't do it. It's a depressant. Also, you mentioned earlier that your ex is happy? Don't think about your ex. Forget them, and they aren't happy, because they've missed out on being with you. Do something for yourself, even if it's minor. Doesn't matter what it is. Taking a walk is very helpful, if there's a sunny day coming up especially, go to a park or something. Being in the sun will actually help your mental state too, it has a psychological and physical effect on your mind.

 

Hey, I feel kind of strange chiming in (me being the dedicated lurker that I am) but I just felt that I needed to.

Something you said really resonated with me. When you said that you are tired of feeling alone without meaning or purpose.

I felt that way for a long time.

I have been single most of my adult life and only after many years of frustration, at myself for not being good enough, at the men of the world for not seeing the good person I am- because I am damn it! I finally accepted myself.

Not just the good bits, which I could put up on some dating website like a pie chart of my accomplishments. Then, of course, Mr. Perfect would read them all and see how great we would be together.

But the bad. The awkward. The bland and the disturbing.

I know who I am.

And I am worthy.

I am not less for being alone.

I am a whole person and though, yes, I would still love to find someone in this life with whom I can share a deep romantic connection. If it doesn't happen for me, I still plan to live as much of this life as I can.

You are worthy too.

You are valuable, not because of the other person in your bed, but because you are you. In the crazy experiment of life, you won this chance to be here. To experience the beauty of sunrises, the horror of traffic jams, the healing power of music, the sound of rainstorms, the despair of 3am insomnia and the joy of creating art out of mere thoughts.

To me, there is no greater meaning in life than to experience it.

The pain and the pleasures of it.

Because that is what makes us human.

Anyway, that was just my two cents.

I shall return to my lurking.

Best,

-Dreamer.