Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

@Lea`Brooks

I think having some constructive and meaningful communication could work.
As long as he is willing to actually listen to what you have to say, and not act
like a jerk about it.

You should go to Illinois, even if he doesn't like it.
He has to understand that you are not playing games
with him.

Though it is hard to say what will happen. In a way
it seems like he is acting out to provoke you into
being the 'bad guy' and leave him. And you are
not the bad guy in this situation, and you don't
have to put up with him and his idiot brothers
shit.

It hurts knowing there is a jackass doing everything
in his power to make your life a living hell.

Well I hope and wish you all the best.
Save yourself from the idiots running around poking holes
in your boat.

 

Bahaha! My roommate overslept and missed work. I just had to wake him up. I really have become his mother!

 

So I woke up with a panic attack (mild, thankfully) and the depressing thought that no one cares about me or would be bothered if I keeled over dead. Yeah... Thanks, anxiety.

 

I would care. Not just empty words.

 

Thanks. Anxiety can be a real bitch sometimes... :[

 

I would care too! My life would be far less enjoyable without my whale friend.

 

Thanks, I'm glad to have you as a friend too!

 

@Link the Writer I know it is a little cheesy, but I hope it helps brighten your day a bit.
Take it easy bud.

 

Me and my husband just got into a huge fight. Somehow he always makes me feel like I'm crazy and expecting too much from our relationship. Like all of these things are easily fixable and I shouldn't be making a big deal over them.

But I don't know if I want to fix them. I'm checking out. I'm tired of trying. And I don't know what to do anymore.

 

@Lea'Brooks

'I don't know if I want to fix them.'

Trust has been broken and, once that happens, it takes time to heal. Question really is, do you think any amount of time would make a difference and, are you prepared to wait it out on the offchance he realises his marriage is falling apart and genuinely wants to put it right? I made a similar decision myself once and, painful as it was at the time, I immediately knew I'd done the right thing. I left the marriage with little more than the clothes on my back, let him keep the car, our fully paid out home and contents, and my share of our business. Talk about tabla rasa. I don't regret my decison one bit, as to have stayed a moment longer would have destroyed any remaining sanity I had left. If you're at the the point where it doesn't matter what it takes to be free from him, then you have your answer. But don't do what I did... if it's hit that point, gird yourself a little while longer and make contingency plans. No point making life any harder than it has to be.

 

The only thing I really regret during my lifetime of nearly 68 years is the time I spent waiting for other people to get their shit together. You know what? They never do. You can't control what other people do to you, or don't do for you. You can only control what you do about it.

 

Exactly, Jannert. You can't fix other people, only they can fix themselves.

You need to ask yourself this: "Do I really want to spend the rest of my life being their mommy and trying to get them to act like the grown adults they really are?" My own mother has spent her entire life up to this point trying to fix other people who clearly aren't interested in listening to her and are hellbent on acting like children anyway. I do not want you to suffer the same fate.

Let me make this perfectly clear: You. Are Not. Their Mommy. They are grown men who should be pulling their own weight. If they had some kind of mental/physical disability preventing them from doing that, well that's one thing. I'm assuming they are not, that they are more than perfectly capable mentally and physically to do so and they just don't wanna.

For now, spend some time away from those two. Spoil yourself, indulge in whatever you want to do. Leave for a few weeks.

 

Thanks everyone. I guess I'll explain what happened a little more now.

We started talking about couple's therapy and when we were going to start. I eventually told him that I'm starting to check out of our marriage. He said that he realizes he messed up and he's still committed to me and that he's willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I told him that it really upset me coming home to a filthy house, and he said he was depressed the whole time I was gone and couldn't bring himself to clean. I told him that everything is starting to feel like a pattern. We have a problem, it gets fixed for a while, then goes back to the way it was. And it just keeps happening over and over. And I don't know how long I can keep going through it until I finally give up. He said that's how relationships work. I told him I don't like him working so much. He told me if that's my biggest problem, he'll find a new job, but we'll be making less money so we won't be able to save enough to buy a house in Illinois by next year. I told him we didn't have to buy a house -- we could move in with my parents for a few weeks or months until we find jobs, then get an apartment and buy a house later. He said that's going backwards and he won't go backwards. So I asked him when it would stop -- he said he's saving for a house now which is why he's working 50+ hours a week. So when does it stop? Once we have enough to buy the house, what'll be the next goal? When do I get to have time with my husband to enjoy my marriage? He said we can enjoy our marriage now but we've been on opposite shifts so we can't really go out together.

So on, and so forth.... Nothing got resolved and I didn't get to say exactly what I wanted. This is why I wanted to write the letter. I get so confused and overwhelmed when we have marital disputes that I forget all of my points. And now I feel like I'm the bad guy. Like I'm making all of this up and I'm a terrible person for even thinking about leaving. Part of me just wants to give up and give in. Just do what he wants. Live this life. Be okay with it. Accept that this is the best it'll ever be.

But then the other part of me hurts thinking about it. Makes my heart break a little. This is why I've reached out to suicidal prevention hotlines twice so far. I can't make this decision. I can't.

 

Why did you marry him? What were you so attracted to that you decided to make a vow to spend the rest of your life with him?

I'm not trying to guilt you into staying with him, and I'm really not a big fan of marriage as an institution. But apparently you are, or at least were, because you chose to marry this guy. So before you make any final decisions about ending the marriage, I'd really urge you to review the reasons you started the marriage. Are any of them still valid? What will you be walking away from if you walk away?

 

I honestly can't remember. I can't remember much of the good from our relationship right now. Here's what I do remember:

I remember cuddling a lot. Then being horribly self conscious and having little trust in him. I remember looking through his computer and finding loads of inappropriate things, which made me start therapy. I remember crying a lot and accusing him of cheating a lot. He was very gentle with me, not getting mad when I was being irrational. I remember having problems with our roommate, so we moved in with his mom, then had problems with her. I remember moving into a new place, with a new roommate that we had problems with. And I remember convincing my husband to get married. And then we did.

All I remember are the struggles. That can't be a good sign, can it?

 

Are you still seeing the same therapist?

I've never been in therapy, but assuming it would be appropriate, maybe you could ask your therapist if she remembers why you were so eager to marry this guy. I mean, based on what you've said it sounds to me like it was a mistake to marry him in the first place so I can absolutely see why you'd want to get out of the mistake now. But hopefully you and your therapist are putting some work into figuring the mistake out so you don't just go make the same mistake with somebody else...

 

That's a great idea, thank you! I've been seeing her for three years, right after our trust problems started and before we got married. Hopefully she has the notes from that time still. I'll definitely ask! Because yes, part of me is thinking it was a mistake to get married. Almost like I did it for all the wrong reasons.

I swear, if I get divorced, I'm never getting married again. What a stupid concept...

 

I thought we weren't encouraged to give advice on this thread. If we are, and it looks like others have been doing so, I would say - live what you got to live. Move forward, whatever that means for you, there is no other direction worth a damn except forward.

 

Absolutely we're encouraged, Albeit! Of course! This is a support thread! We just can't give medical advice like "take xyz pills" because (1) we're not medical professionals and (2) even if some of us were, it's not ethical/legal for us to prescribe medicine for someone who isn't even our client.

 

Thanks Link.

Scanned instead of read last night. I must be getting younger because I feel like just saying, "my bad".

 

I just rubbed it into my colleagues at work -- when they needed earplugs to protect their hearing from a loud noise -- that I have "natural earplugs". Dick move sure.

But considering what my boss did to me that time regarding my hearing impairment... making fun of me...

I took extreme pleasure out if it -- far more than I really should've.

 

@Lea`Brooks

I sent you a PM about this, but I wasn't sure if you got it, so I guess I'll post here. Is it possible your husband has Asperger's? My dad does, and a lot of the things you said about him are exactly the things my dad did. My parents almost divorced, until my mom realized that's what was going on. Here's a link to a basic rundown of some of the behaviors to look for.

http://heartlessaspergers.com/how-to-spot-a-man-with-aspergers-syndrome/

I really hope I'm not being too intrusive, but I want to help if possible.

 

I got it, but I wasn't sure how to respond politely. He doesn't have Asperger's. He's just a dick. lol

I'm getting divorced. I don't know when, but I am. I'm not in love with him. I haven't been for a while. When I go back to Illinois in July, I'm going to look for a job and an apartment. I don't want to start 2018 in Virginia. I feel bad for him. I feel bad that I'm going to break his heart. But the guilt is no longer strong enough to make me stay. There's someone more suitable for him out there. For me too.

I can't believe I'll be starting my life over. I'm scared. But I'm excited too.