Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

I have incredibly violent and sadistic fantasies about torturing my enemies.

Gets me through the day

 

I've had these same feelings. It's hard not to hate yourself for wanting to repay the world with hate. You know you shouldn't, because you're a good person, but it doesn't seem to be bothering anyone else that they're being so much less than they could be so why should you? It's an endless painful loop that you can throw yourself into.
You aren't a monster though, no more than the rest of us. I got most of my morality tales from books and movies, and tons of characters feel this same way. And if all of these characters from different authors have the same feelings, the desire to be destructive and hateful, this leads me to believe that this is a normal part of being human. Just don't let it consume you.

 

I've been feeling strange this past week. I'm presently unmedicated and yoyo-ing back and forth between depression and mania at an accelerated rate. It's bloody exhausting and my nerves feel frayed just trying to keep up with my fickle emotions. I'm a roaring lion one moment, and a cowering lamb the next. I have several packets of a med I know will level me out almost immediately but the cost in terms of my physical wellbeing is high. The question I'm asking myself is, is it worth tolerating the discomfort to give my head some peace? Don't think I'm there quite yet and there's no sign of psychosis, so I may just keep on keeping on.

I haven't had a proper holiday in 14 years. I'm well overdue. I've made plans with my best mate and his missus to go camping at the end of this month. I'm a rough and ready kind of camper and travel light, but this time I'm gonna experience the full on glamping experience. The mate's missus required a loo and a basic sanitation before she'd even consider it. (We might just have oversold the sanitation aspect. Hope she's not pissed when see sees the solar shower standing in the middle of a field of cows...lol) We've booked two unsual pitches ahead of time, one in a spare field on a working farm, the other in a coastal nature reserve and Eco park. I'm hoping if I pitch in on the farm with the mucking out and peat cutting, the farmer might be inclined to let me borrow one of his horses. I was always a keen rider and there's nothing like a good canter through open fields to blow the cobwebs away. The reserve will be fun too. If I'm lucky I'll be able to dolphin watch and I know for a certainty that the area is home to Basking sharks. I love swimming in the sea, so there's that. Also, we're bringing a telescope as that part of the country has no ambient lighting to spoil our view of the Milky Way.

One of the reasons I haven't had a formal holiday in so long, is that I book in one frame of mind, but there's no guaranteeing I'll be able to step on the plane when the time comes. It doesn't help my depression, that it's almost impossible to give myself something to look forward to, the proverbial carrot in front of the donkey's nose. Feeling good about this wee trip though.... it's totally within my comfort zone: fresh air, nature and the stripping away of the everyday trappings that usually conspire to complicate my ability to truly live.

 

I don't know if this will be entirely useful, but I find I use what I'm feeling at the time to help work through some issues. Take the feelings I don't want and give them a situation. Give them a situation or a problem and have my characters find the solutions. Sometimes finding solutions to the made-up problems makes it a little easier to deal with real-life ones. Also, the writing buddy is a really good idea. Someone to brainstorm and bounce ideas with, share critique, etc.

 

I know first hand how harsh a parents divorce can be on the children, even adult ones. When my folks got divorced, it turned my world upside down. I ended up going down a path that pushed all my writing away from me. I wanted to write, but i just couldn't bring myself to actually put pen to paper. So it remained just a dream.

I was able to deal with it by talking to myself, strangely enough, reasoning out all my problems with myself helped me work through everything. But what actually got me writing again, was just taking it a day at a time. When I woke up , i was like, lets write 2 pages today. Soon enough, all those "2 pages a day" turned into a novel.

Just hang in there and focus on the little things. You can change your life. You just need to do it tiny bit by bit. Small goals, even if its writing a single sentence a day. Soon enough, all those sentences add up.

 

Just had a breakdown. Fighting the depression is getting harder every day.

 

I'm heartbroken. Feels like my heart is drilling a hole through my chest trying to escape me. I have no idea how to deal with this. I can't eat and the minute I fall asleep I dream of him. Just made a fool out of myself and stepped away since all other options... what other options really? It's a very long story (7 years with on and offs, a slow demise) and I'm certainly not in the right mindset to write anything down maybe, but this is just the third day and it's denying to end. Time has stopped. How long does it take for this feeling to go away? I won't be calling him again for sure and I'm really hoping that he won't either since it's already hard, but I want to know: when am I going to start feeling normal again? I feel as if this is it. I'm never going to love or be loved again. I tried, I really tried and I failed again and again.

Thank god that I fell off my motorbike the same day my mental breakdown happened and I have a suitable absence note to cover me for work. I got 6 more days to get better. The thing is that I might seem in control- you know, doing stuff that need to be done, showing I'm functioning, but in all honesty I'm afraid that I might crash out of the blue and I don't get to have this luxury when I'm working.

 

Hang in there and take care of yourself. And maybe going back to work won't be the end of the world--it can be good to be distracted, right?

 

I guess, but I don't feel ready. Not by a long shot. I work at a calling center and most of our dear clients are really pissed off. It seems as dealing with lions, surrounded by vultures. I can't deal with the jungle right now.

 

That's always difficult. Medication manages my symptoms, but they don't always go away. I know how embarrassing it is to have any kind of episodes at work. People look at you differently after that and its always the fine line between being fired or not. You will always experience that anxiety or worry that they finally think you're too much of a freak to well function.

Just do you. If you lose it, remember to never take the blame for doing so. Not everything we have is in our control. I wish it were. I wish it were simple. But it is not.

 

Thank you. This somehow returned me to earth. If ever I shed a tear in front of them I think I'm gonna leave. I won't be able to stand it. Maybe I'm too proud and that's why I'm dealing with this whole issue right now. I hope there is a lesson to be learned on one end of this tunnel. And if I fail to control anything now maybe it's time for some radical changes in store. It's not that I like my current job so much anyway, it's that I can't stand this messy part of myself and I want nobody to witness it.

 

I think that's human no matter the community with mental illness or not. We all have some pride. I learned a long time ago due to my mental condition and the way it affects me that sometimes I simply have to swallow that pride. A lot more than most do unfortunately.

 

I really need to stop sacrificing my happiness to make others happy. But the unhappiness is only temporary. It'll get better. And I'm patient. I can be patient. I just hope it all won't be for nothing.

 

Maybe it's time I do to. I don't know. Part of me feels extremely wronged, while another feels ashamed and another feels guilty. But last time I've been sincere and lowered myself to admitting some important stuff about myself I was just left high and dry. Othertimes they have even been used against me. I think about the things I did or said that have been too harsh or inconsiderate. I want to admit that I was wrong. I'm imperfect. I got weaknesses. But when the time comes it is just so god damned hard. It makes me feel so damn vulnerable that I lose my words and now this. All for this. I feel as if I brought this upon myself. I should have never opened up to him or admitted anything. I'm a fool. Thank you again and sorry for the rant.

 

I found strength in admitting my flaws. Some may say I use my Disability or use my condition as a way to make excuses or to ask for those to take pity on me. Which is highly untrue. I simply got tired of feeling ashamed, or that I should feel ashamed for my conditions. I simply say if a situation arises, "I'm sorry my condition makes X difficult, but I will try better next time now that I realize this triggers X". Either they have to accept that fact and help works towards bettering my mental state or they don't. But I no longer see it as healthy forcing myself to be healthy in a world that puts demands on me that I cannot cope with or entirely deal with. Its exhausting trying to conform to what I am not. Its time for the world to coexist with us. Rather than fight against us. Does that mean I have lost of a jobs? You damn straight I have.

But! I think its better to be true to myself. Admit my flaws. Take responsibility for bettering my behavior. And losing out on those who weren't really there to support me.

Am I saying quit your job? No. But I am saying that I think everyone with a disability mental illness or not should not feel shame or guilt for the conditions they have. Be your own advocate and empower yourself.

 

Things that have crippled me with anxiety so far today (it's 1pm):

• Worrying that I've forgotten something in my overnight bag, even though I'm only staying 100 miles from home and in a city, not the outer reaches of Timbuktu, so worst case scenario is I have to buy an item. In my mind, if I've forgotten anything I will DIE.
• Worrying that the hotel shampoo will dry my hair out to Sahara levels like one hotel I stayed in one time in my 28 years, even though I've packed conditioner for that eventuality.
• Worrying that the conditioner will leak in my bag and everything will be ruined and I'll DIE.
• Being paralysed with fear because I didn't pack toothpaste because we only have one tube of toothpaste at home and others need it. Do I stop at a petrol garage and buy some? But petrol garages are so expensive! So I get to the hotel and find a convenience shop? But what if there isn't one? What if I get lost?
• Worrying that there will be no parking available at the hotel so I'll just have to, idk, abandon my car in the street.
• Having checked out the hotel menu a fortnight in advance, worrying that I still don't know what to order. What if I make the wrong choice? What if my maths goes awry and I go over the £25 limit and my company fires me for over-ordering even though I can just pay the balance?
• Worrying that people will talk to me at dinner because they feel sorry for me eating alone. Hatching plans to get there the moment dinner service starts to reduce the chances of any other diners being there.
• Worrying that if I'm the only diner, the wait staff will be attentive and I won't be invisible.
• Worrying that my alarm won't go off tomorrow and I'll miss my meeting.

So that was all before breakfast. I thought once I got to work and started on my project, I'd forget about it.

Except I arrived at work to find CARDS AND PRESENTS (it was my birthday on Monday and I took two days off).

• Worrying that I'll forget to thank somebody.
• Worrying that I won't show the appropriate level of gratitude.
• Dying of embarrassment that I had no idea people did cards and presents here, and I haven't bought anyone anything since I started in December.
• Worrying that people are judging me for the brand of treats I brought in to celebrate my birthday.
• Worrying that I missed someone off my, "Hey, there are treats in the kitchen!" email and they will think I hate them.
• Somebody coming up to my desk to wish me a happy birthday just as I'd taken a bite of my sandwich, and it was a tough ciabatta-like bread, so I had to make a snap decision: chew and swallow or answer? and knew it would take me half an hour to chew and swallow while they watched so shoving the bite of sandwich into one side of my mouth like a hamster and talking with my mouth full I HATE MYSELF

And this is when I'm on medication. Can you imagine my life five years ago?

 

Turns out I was wrong.

But it's okay. I'll learn how to be alone. I'll learn how to live with the isolation and accept that no one but me will know how I feel or what I'm going through. Maybe I'll even learn to love myself again. I don't know. I'm sure it'll get better. But right now it's so hard.

 

I just don't know how to be alone anymore. It's weirdly suffocating to feel like I could disappear for days and no one but work would notice. Like, what am I here for? What's the point? Subjecting myself to so much suffering, and for what? More suffering? The off chance that it may get better? What if it doesn't get better? Then I'm just trudging up a rocky mountain in a blizzard only to reach the top and see an even bigger mountain waiting for me on the other side. Just an endless line of mountains to climb.

I'm tired of climbing mountains. I just want to sleep.

Edit: Actually, what I really want is someone I can count on. Just one. One little person in this sea of people around me. One person who will listen when I break down, love me even when I'm being ugly, want to be around me even when they're tired, and put me above everyone else (except themself obviously). Not even a romantic person. Just a friend or family. Just someone. Someone to make me feel like I matter a little. Just a little..

 

Whenever I describe life on my medication spell, I use a very famous spell from the Harry Potter books. Its the Patronaus spell. Which I use to describe the way my medication affects me. People think oh you take medication then the hallucinations go away. But no its just like being affected by a patronaus spell. Its not as loud in my head and its not as powerful, but I still experience things from time to time. Bit like when Harry uses the spell and instead of hearing his mother screams it just becomes the warbling of the radio.

Its not a magical cure all that makes things go away. It just lessens it. Dampens it. Makes it fainter. Quieter.

 

I honest to God hate my anxiety. I'm just sick of it. Most days I can keep it under control but on days like today? I'm on edge, tensed and I'm using almost half of my willpower to not flip out around my coworkers. They need me to be focused, to be attentive.

 

I have to unload right now about my own anxiety. I am not very affluent money wise. I have a hard time holding down a job and because of it, it makes life difficult. I rarely get out of the house, and I mean I don't necessarily like meeting new people in the first place. But! I know logically I should do so, so I don't become a mind numbing individual who forgets English and how to adult. Problem is the places the groups I like to meet are ones that require money. And money is a really really big stressor for me. These people spend 14, 15 dollars, without a worry. Even when I have 100 dollars, I get anxious about spending 10 dollars, let alone 5.

I am supposed to be going to a brainstorming group today. But they meet. At a restaurant. So now I have to be the guy who sits at the table, with a cup of coffee and everyone else is eating. And I just hate sitting there looking exactly like what they think I am. Some pitable case of a human being who has no money, ever. Or not enough money to support or sustain myself. Yeah sure I get money like I am a child from my wife from time to time. But I mean it makes me look pathetic.

I always feel pathetic because I can't hold down a job. It puts too much stress on me and it puts too much stress on my relation and actually triggers fun episodes. I also tend to become less productive the more days I have to work.

I know I advocate a lot about not feeling ashamed of who I am with my condition that lives with me. But! I also sometimes just have these moments when I am super stressed out because I just....I am a big flashy neon sign of not functional enough.

 

@JPClyde I feel ya, I am a penny pincer for a few years.

Don't be ashamed to be the one sitting drinking coffee.
Could be worse, and you could be sitting around for
2hrs listening to people in their 50s and up talk amongst
themselves and ignore you of the two new people who
decided to show up. Granted that was a MUNCH and
not a writers group, in which everyone was coupled and
knew eachother from years ago.

So don't be ashamed that you're in a tough spot, they
are not all going to be so well off that they are not projecting
affluence even though they are in the same boat.
Besides you are going to talk writing not eat, so you are not
expected to blow money to impress them.

 

I started a blog today to document my mood swings and how I work through it. I don't know if it'll help me or anyone else. But it's worth a shot.