Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

Thanks for the support after my little episode last night. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, but I literally fell asleep on top of my phone the moment I posted it.

I know I'm being silly and childish, but in a lot of ways I really am still just a frightened kid dressed up as a policeman and struggling to live up to what I've taken on.

That's why I like writing; it gives me a little world where I can make sure that nothing too awful happens to people who don't deserve it. Doing that in real life is hard.

I'm not happy being away from my team. We are- or, at least, we were- really close. They were my support network and without them it's just me and my poor, put-upon partner who is a girl ten years my junior.

Anyway, thanks for the replies. It's good to be at least a little less alone.

And, yeah, I'm not good company. Not in my eyes, anyway.

 

I'm going to start DBT in June for 15 months. It's targeted specifically at mother's with borderline who have children in care, so how wonderfully apt is that?

 

15 months! That's awesome. Most people around here get 6 weeks if they're lucky.

 

The strange part is that the forensic psychiatrist who assessed me down in Dublin in 2016 and 2017 recommended 2 years of therapy.

 

It sounds like Ireland has a pretty decent set up. Most personality disorders only improve with therapy, and a lot of it, because you have to learn to understand your thought processes and work to correct your negative cognitions, develop coping skills, and all of that takes time. I wish we had that here. Therapy should be covered just like medicine. There isn't always a pill for everything.

 

For those who may be interested, Darkness Into Light isn't just in Ireland. It also runs in:
Australia,
Bahrain,
Belgium,
Canada,
Germany,
Hong Kong,
Iceland,
Luxembourg,
New Zealand,
Northern Ireland,
Poland,
Qatar,
South Africa,
South Korea,
Spain,
Sweden,
Switzerland,
The Netherlands,
United Arab Emirates,
and
United Kingdom.
Each country and area will raise money for different causes, but most are fundraising for Mental Health charities.

 

I'm heading back to work today and I'm really nervous.

After what I'm pretty sure have been the three worst weeks of my life (I've had more dramatic disasters, but my PTSD means I'm dealing with the current stuff as well as those, rather than instead of them) I'm not sure how my behaviour has affected my relationship with my partner. How is a 22-year old woman going to feel about her 37-year old friend having a weeks-long meltdown in her direction and latching on to her as his fixed point? I've put a huge weight on her without her permission and without meaning to.

I'll be lucky if she doesn't taser me on sight.

 

Just remember to breath. That's need number one. Keep that covered and you'll be doing better than literally everyone born before 1881.

 

I had a dissociative episode at work.

I've been taken off active duty and told to report to our HQ next week so they can arrange proper treatment.

There were a lot of tears when I hugged my partner goodbye. I'll see her again a few weeks, I know, but it feels so permanent now.

I feel completely humiliated and so very alone.

 

*Hugs*

The fact that your HQ knows how to arrange proper treatment shows that many have gone before you, so in spirit, at least, you are not alone and have many comrades. Try to hang on to that.

You're very brave. Even brave people go through rough times now and then, and one has nothing to do with the other.

I'm sending you good vibes.

 

Life is life and and you've been through some. You're not alone and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

Thanks, guys. The last few weeks have been a real rollercoaster.

I've been hiding my PTSD from the Job, with only a few very close friends knowing about it. I thought the response to my diagnosis would be the same as the Army's was in my day ('Oh, dear, that's a shame. Well, there's the door...') but it hasn't been like that at all. I realised I couldn't do my job and reported myself to my boss who said he was impressed and proud of me for doing it and glad that I had, as he'd been preparing to come looking for me after a colleague expressed concern for my well-being. I explained that I had realised I was putting my partner at risk and that that had finally outweighed my fear of losing my job. I felt like I was explaining to Darth Vader how I'd lost track of the Millenium Falcon.

His response to that was that they'd never fire me for something that was done to me and that losing my job over this was never even an option. He made me a cup of tea and got me tissues when I started crying. I hadn't expected that.

They've all been so understanding and the official reaction has, essentially, been that PTSD is an occupational hazard in our line of work and is to be treated as an injury like any other, so I'm of to see our medics next week and see what they can do for me.

 

That's great (not the PTSD, the response). When I worked 9-1-1, the response to work stress was generally a write-up for inappropriate behavior, followed by assignments to what was in effect punitive details (working the difficult channels every night for a month, last lunch, etc). Do what the docs tell you, take a breather, whatever you need, you've got this.

 

Yeah, whatever they can offer me, I'll take. Apparently we have lots of options for this because it's so common. I just want to get this sorted and get back to my team, so they will have my full cooperation.

EDIT: Sorry to hear that, Moose. Yeah, he's a good boss. He's ex-SF of some sort, so I hadn't expected him to be quite so touchy-feely. Guess he's seen worse than this before now.

 

I've found that a lot of the people who have seen the worst stuff are the most understanding, you just have to keep the door closed so the rest of the staff don't know unless they need to.

 

You don't deserve to suffer like you do, no matter what you think. You need proper treatment. It didn't go down the best way, but this is an opportunity for you to get better and hit the street again a better partner for her. Engage with treatment. Be positive. Try your best. Good luck. Keep us posted!

ETA: I'm so glad your boss was supportive. They should have a lot of options for you. Our healthcare systems aren't identical, but I used to work an an occupational stress injury clinic (mostly PSTD treatment for vets and cops) and they had access to a lot of treatment options. I hope you get the same

 

That's heartwarming to hear—about your boss. I'm glad that compassion and understanding are still fully operational in this world. Best of luck to you for your treatment.

 

Sorry for cluttering up the wrong thread with this stuff, guys.

 

I'm glad to hear you have a direction to go during your hiatus. Thanks BSM for getting stuff where it needs to be. This definitely needs a dedicated spot. My little blab-blahs tend to the lecturous, so I'll rephrase.
Emotional issues are a physical action, therefore treatable. There's hope.
Treatment works. Don't be afraid.
We do care about our peeps. Don't be sorry for sharing. Let us know how things are going.

 

I'm having a bit of a panic just now.

My bond with my partner has been so, so important to me and she's been my rock in all this. I'm terrified that I'm not going to see her again or be allowed to work with her any more.

I'm getting kind of frantic. I don't want to go to HQ. I want to go and see my friend. I don't feel safe except next to her.