In my WIP, the hero's girlfriend is going to get kidnapped by a pack of monsters to force the hero out of hiding. The girlfriend has spent her whole life being abused by her father, leading to her feeling weak and trapped. While being held by the monsters, she learns that they consider living like animals to be the ultimate form of freedom. Free from human rules and expectations, where the only reason they need to do something is because they want to. Plus they're supernaturally strong, fast, and all in all the ultimate predator. The only drawbacks (to them) are that they'll die if they don't eat at least one human heart a night, or go out in daylight. To the girlfriend, this is everything she's ever wanted. The strength to fight back against the people who hurt her, being able to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. So she undergoes the ritual to become a monster, and transforms just in time for the hero to arrive and see her. She then becomes one of the story's main antagonists. What do you guys think? Does her logic sound...logical? Or can you at least understand why she would choose that?
To start with, I wonder if this woman has been wronged by the hero as well? If she was only wronged by others in her life and the hero is a ray of hope to her, then it seems rather odd that she might undergo the ritual at least from a storytelling standpoint (without brainwashing being involved, anyway, which at the same time would only further entrenching her in the mentality that she's just a pawn being used). All in all, I feel like, as a reader, I would need to sense from this woman that she *wants* revenge... not only that she wants to be freed from the physical and mental contraints of abuse that have shaped her into adulthood; perhaps she was targeted not only to bring the hero out of hiding, but because these monsters could sense a sort of kindred spirit in her? In that way, it could even serve as a "happy accident" of sorts... if they had no idea she was the hero's girlfriend, but merely kidnapped her with the aims of indoctrinating her, it could change from betrayal to a tragedy and the hero's desire to undo what's been done to her and truly show her the light. Of course, without fully knowing the story and all its various moving parts and motivations, it's difficult to make a precise call. For example, does the hero even like her? What sort of relationship do they have? Is it a relationship that's supportive, or is there physical or emotional abuses, or perhaps are they on the rocks and in desperate need of some ills to be put out in the air? All in all, the questions to answer are: who is she betraying? If her actions are not a betrayal, but are merely spun as an "inconvenient truth" is very different from if the girlfriend undergoes the transformation to get back at the hero/protagonist. Her motivation must be squarely grounded, as well as the motivations of the monsters and the hero. It's not just about what seems a convenient turn at the time for the sake of drama, but the long-term effects that must be considered in terms of how this event is meant to give meaning to later parts of the story. Is the goal for the girlfriend to be saved? Does she become the hero's new enemy? By looking at the whole picture and end goals, one can deduce what must happen in the interim to connect those dots. Hope this helps, and happy writing!
She doesn't think of it as betraying him. She's doing it for her own benefit and nothing else. What they don't tell her is that the ritual taints your soul, turning you evil regardless of whether you want to be or not, so in the end it does turn into a betrayal when she starts hunting him just like all the others. She gets her revenge during the ritual itself. To transform, she has to drink the blood of one of the other monsters, and then eat the heart of a human being. Her father is chosen for that honor. They are both going through a lot. The girlfriend has her father abusing her, and the hero spent his teenage years working to provide for his mother who's been faking an illness so she doesn't have to leave the house. They kind of latched onto each other because they could sense kindred spirits in each other, both of them yearning for freedom but thinking they were too weak to ever claim it. They think they love each other, but when they're presented with different means to earn their freedom, they learn how different they really were. He wants to save her at first, but the transformation is permanent. She wouldn't want to be saved anyway, having gotten drunk on all her new power. She becomes one of his enemies. The leader of the monster pack is the main villain, and since the girlfriend knows him so well she becomes a pretty major antagonist as well while they hunt him.
I understand it, but I don't find it compelling. That's the rub for me. Throwing away something great (their love) — something you likely want your readers to invest in — merely for her own benefit feels cheap to me. It's not satisfying. And I'm not suggesting you go with a happier ending either, just a more emotionally charged one. If this were my story and characters, I would make the girl's betrayal break both her and her boyfriend's (and hopefully my readers') hearts. To do that I would probably lead the girl down a road where she's forced to sacrifice her love (and humanity in your case) for something greater than her own life and happiness. Just my thoughts.
Then she's shallow and self-centered. That's not really revenge. Are we supposed to like this character or despise her? I know which one I'm leaning toward.
If you are not trying to invent 'logic', a weak person will never feel comfortable amongst strong. And, without comfort, the mind will get boggled - in this case, even if she did choose to force herself into this 'ecosystem' of wilded-outs, inevitably she will make a mistake - and her intentions can NOT be clear for a state-in straight. Short, it is not understable from a perspective of logical flow, but due to human freedom of choice, if she chooses that way - expected is that she will not be a clear, developed-personality character. The expected thing after this, she would probably betray those monsters too.
I kinda like the idea... especially with the added context that they're both dealing with their own troubles at home. I can believe that they're both too involved in their troubles at home to form a strong relationship. Girlfriend's actions might come out of left field for Protagonist, but it makes sense (to me) that she would make decisions with poor judgment if she feels weak and trapped. As Cephus said, this would make her shallow and self-centered. That's cool as long as you don't intend to get the reader to sympathize with her; I don't think that would work. Also, I would get pretty annoyed if Protagonist spent too much time lamenting over her after she's become a full-on monster.
