I have a moment in a scene where I want the two characters to break what has become an awkward silence, at the same moment. I wonder if there is a trick to this. The last time I tried it I was not fully happy. I explained 'They both spoke at once' "xxxxx" from her and, "xxxxx" from him. It was a bit clumsy but in the context, worked. Any ideas, or suggestions how this may be structured? FYI the context is two people who, thus far, have only had a professional relationship having a meal together, there is a hint of romantic chemistry, so far dismissed by both women.
Oh, I know I did this in one of my manuscripts but I can't for the life of me remember where. I'm pretty sure it was something like: "So, are you together?" the waitress asked. "No," John said, as Jill said, "Yes." They looked at each other. "Well, I suppose," said John, as Jill said, "No, not really."
Yeah, using 'as' to tell the reader the are concurrent, that works. This is what I just tried, not sure, though. Speaking together, their attempts to break, what had become an awkward silence collided above the bread basket and collapsed into shy smiles from them both. It was Gemma who braved reality by saying, “what’s going on here Alice, this feels weird all of a sudden?”
Not exactly sure on this. It's a tricky one. I like the method you have here. I am pretty certain, however, the comma after 'break' should come after 'silence'.
