1. Masli

    Masli Active Member

    Oct 22, 2010
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    Marketing need feedback on my blurb

    Discussion in 'Publishing' started by Masli, Feb 6, 2019.

    After writing my novel (urban fantasy with a m/m romance) I thought the hard work was over... Or not. I'm finding that writing a blurb is the hardest part yet.

    I would love to get some feedback, so please help me :)

    Immortality isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It sucks.

    Dreaming of a place to belong, street rat Silas’ big mouth gets him in trouble. In dire need of rescue, he didn’t expect it to turn up in the shape of a sexy vampire.
    As Eclipse’s fledgling, he not only needs to acquire a taste for blood, he also needs to navigate the treacherous world of the rich and powerful. All while being forced to leave his childhood friend, Remy, behind.
    Will being with Eclipse provide him with the family he had always wished for? Or will his talent for attracting trouble get in the way of finding his happiness?

    Don’t miss Dinner at Dawn, the first in the Himura Saga by Mariska Slieker. If you like urban fantasy, witty humor, and steamy vampires, this will have you turning the pages!
  2. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

    Aug 12, 2015
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    London, UK
    I think it's a bit confusing and I'm left unsure what the story is about. But I like that I get a sense of the main character (he's a dreamer, has a big mouth, yearns for a family and acceptance) and I'm told vampires are coming back into fashion after the post-Twilight flood.

    I just dug out what my agent said about queries, which is what most book blurbs are modelled on (the publisher for my m/m used my query with a few small tweaks):

    [Note I missed out #1 and #2 because they aren't relevant to blurbs]:

    3) Tell me who the main characters are. If I get to the end of your query and I can’t tell who the main characters are, that’s a problem.
    4) Tell me the main conflict. What are the characters trying to accomplish and what stands in their way?
    5) What are the stakes? What happens if the characters’ goals are not accomplished?
    By the end of your query, I should be able to answer all of these questions. Be clear. Be concise. Avoid generalizations and emphasize what is unique about your book.
  3. big soft moose

    big soft moose The Moderating Moose Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

    Aug 1, 2016
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    East devon/somerset border
    is this a query blurb or a selling blurb for amazon (etc) ?
  4. Flummi

    Flummi Member

    Mar 17, 2019
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    Hello there!
    Please don't be mad at me, it's my first try at giving a feedback.
    I like the premisse of your book, but your protagonist comes over as a weak and clumsy. The work "need" appears a lot. Things happens to him, it's not somebody who carves a path for himself. Is it intentional?
    The first sentence feels a little disjointed. There are 2 interesting themes there, maybe they earn each a sentence?
    I personnaly like things presented the other way around, for exemple: "Thrown in the treachous world....", or "Cutting the ties with....", or "Will the fragile beginning of.... "

    Good luck with your book!
    J.D. Ray likes this.
  5. JLT

    JLT Contributor Contributor

    Mar 6, 2016
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    Well, there are two things right in the second paragraph that I noticed right away:
    First, shouldn't it be "Silas's" rather than "Silas'"? I know that exceptions are made for historical figures like Jesus or Socrates, but most rulebooks would say that if you pronounce the S, you should include it.*

    Second, as Tenderiser has already pointed out, you have a participle dangling there, unless you mean that Silas's mouth is doing the dreaming, rather than Silas himself.

    Yeah, I know that these are small potatoes, but when I see a writer make some elementary mistakes in the blurb, I wonder how good a writer he or she can be. There's no reason to have a strike against you before the potential reader even opens the book.

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