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  1. DanielsWrit

    DanielsWrit New Member

    Feb 20, 2013
    Likes Received:

    Need help for the most important part of my book.

    Discussion in 'The Art of Critique' started by DanielsWrit, Feb 20, 2013.

    Hi guys,

    I feel as though I am being entirely too choppy in the introduction of my story. I hope that you can give me a few pointers, as I flew the intro to get to the main body of the story but now question my intro majorly. Thank you for the help.

    A child, about the age of four, was playing with a tricycle in the sandbox. Bringing his hands up as high as his arms allowed, the child would slam the tricycle in the sand with such force as to splash sand over himself. With a cry of glee, the child repeated the motion again and again. At the sight, the man felt comforted. The child was his son, a blond-haired welp sitting all by his lonesome. The man couldn't be seen, failed attempts at grabbing the boy's attention made this apparent. Moving all around the boy, it were as though he were in a house surrounding the boy, but couldn't quite interact through the invisible barrier...
    The feeling of water was his next thought. He knew this feeling, but couldn't quite put his finger on the source. His eyes were comforted by the darkness on his slow climb back to consciousness, sped along by the sensation that his hands were touching something soft and slick with a watery residue. Beginning to come out of his stupor, the man slowly accustomed each of his senses to his whereabouts. As he lay on his right arm, his left came around to wipe his face. Moving his legs, he realized his bed was not on any couch or down-comforter-adorned-bed he had ever slept on. For the man who was accustomed to silk and feather pillows, the sensation of a rocky bed finally turned his eyelids open.
    “Sweet... holy... hell,” A murmur of the confused.
    Climbing to a sitting position in a lightning motion was all he could manage, pushing with his huge feet and calloused hands to close those last few inches to the wall he was nearest. A splashing feeling awaited his back. Memories of Anthony, his son, were fleeting reminders that he was not going insane.
    Kain Veriquer, CEO of Up Tech, was feeling as though he had to be insane to see what he was seeing, however. How he had arrived to this position, curled up against a wall facing demons from his worst nightmares, was beyond him. Hours before, he had left a conference in the main conference room. He remembered discussing the new technology. Waves of hope and pride rushed over him at the thought. But nothing could explain what had happened.
    Kain rested against a wall covered in a dark red moss. His crew-cut head lopped against the wall as he took it all in. The ceiling was barely visible in the darkness, but what little he could glean from the twenty foot space was that the ceiling consisted of a rocky surface. It was not the ceiling scaring Kain the businessman to near-death. A score of sacks, about five feet tall and three feet wide, were scattered throughout the room. Little could be seen of them, but the faint red glow coming from each made it apparent that the sacks were being suspended by a fleshy material, ceiling to floor. Worst of all, the sacks were moving.

    Josie could barely hand the commotion going on at the company. From the electric failures going on in the basement, to complaining workers, there was little she could handle in the alotted time of her normal fifteen-hour day. Worst of all, her boss and Vice President had gone missing, assumably for a sick day. But no matter.
    I got this far, she told herself, as if ritually, I will not give up now.
    This kind of thinking had gotten the red-haired firecracker in the position she was currently occupying at the world's largest scientific research facility in the northern hemisphere. She had risen from her cold home in the suburbs of Chicago to the Head of the Human Services Department//***// with pride and tenacity unparallelled in her peers.
    Her father had been an electrical engineer and an encouraging force in her life. Her mother, a grade school teacher, was always there for her and instructed her on the mechanics and virtues of life. Attending the University of Chicago after such an upbringing, Josie quickly rose to the top of her class and graduated with full honors with a Bachelors of Science Degree in micro-biology and a minor in Business. Receiving a call shortly after her graduation from Kain Veriquez was one of biggest moments in her life. Up Tech Co. was a well known distributor of top notch electronics for government and private needs. She shortly rose from the ranks of researcher to her comfy office and the presidents favorite.
    “What a bunch of crap” Josie muttered to herself as she walked down the aesthetic white hall of the company's corridors.
    Turning into her destination and knocking on the door, she waited for a response.
    “Come in,” Came from behind the solid oak door and it was all she needed to slam the entrance open.
    “If this is about Kain and Daniel, I don't have any answers for you” Nathaniel Powers, chief of the board of the directors of Up Tech Co. was a heavy-set man from the midwest. Josie looked at his open box of cigars in disgust, because today was not a day for pleasantries. He could often be seen puffing on one of his cigars, head stuck in his computer with large brown eyes sitting under a mess of eyebrows.
    Taking a breath, Josie sat down with contempt for the very reason that brought her into the large man's office on this day.
    “Is there any news on their whereabouts?”
    Grabbing one of his cigars, the man swiveled around to grab a torch lighter from the other side of his long desk, lighting the thing with a few puffs.
    “Of course not. You know I would let you know as soon as I hear something. Why don't you go about your daily business and leave this to the Board of Directors?”
    Disgusted and not a smoker herself, Josie resigned herself to the man's rhetoric. After all, what could she do? She knew she was treading on unsteady ground, but the fact that her boss, the one who had helped her so, had disappeared was reason enough for to be more than a little worried.
    “Sir, with all due respect, I would appreciate it if you would do that and let me know before anyone else.” With that, she exited the room, to, assumably, go back to her daily business.
    “Sure thing, doll,”
  2. minstrel

    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Staff Supporter Contributor

    Jul 11, 2010
    Likes Received:
    Near Los Angeles
    Welcome, Dan!

    Please read the forum rules. You're not allowed to post work for critique here until you've given two proper critiques of other people's work and have met a couple of minimum posting requirements (I think it's twenty posts, minimum, and two weeks of membership). These rules are to encourage participation. I'm sure a moderator will welcome you in your introduction thread and give you all the info you need.
  3. DanielsWrit

    DanielsWrit New Member

    Feb 20, 2013
    Likes Received:
    My apologies

    Thank you for the heads up.

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